There is no such thing as child-proofing your house

If you spray hairspray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3 year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoe it does not leak-it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Duplos will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin has at least a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you've come.

Enough money within your control to move out and rent a place on your own, even if you never want or need to.

Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour.

A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you're not ashamed to be seen carrying.

A youth you're content to move beyond.

A past juicy enough that you're looking forward to retelling it in your old age.

The realization that you are actually going to have an old age and some money set aside to help fund it.

A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.

One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry.

A good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family.

Eight matching plates, wineglasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make your guests feel honored.

A resume that is not even the slightest bit padded.

A feeling of control over your destiny.

A skin care regime, an exercise routine and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don't get better after 30.

A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship and all those other facets of life that do get better.

How to fall in love without losing yourself.

How you feel about having kids.

How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

When to try harder and when to walk away.

How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn't like to happen next.

How to have a good time at a party you'd never choose to attend.

How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely you'll get it.

That you can't change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.

That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over.

What you would and wouldn't do for love or more.

How to live alone, even if you don't like it.

Who you can trust, who you can't, and why you shouldn't take it personally.

Where to go - be it your best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.

What you can and can't accomplish in a day, a month, and a year.

Why they say life begins at 30.

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Memorize your favorite poem.

Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

When you say, "I love you", mean it.

When you say, "I'm sorry", look the person in the eye.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Believe in love at first sight.

Never laugh at anyone's dreams.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Talk slow, but think quick.

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?".

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Call your mom.

Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

Marry a person you love to talk to. As you get older, his conversational skills will be as important as any other.

Spend some time alone.

Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Read more books and watch less TV.

Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll get to enjoy it a second time.

Trust in God but lock your car.

A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.

In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don't bring up the past.

Read between the lines.

Share your knowledge. It's a way to achieve immortality.

Be gentle with the earth.

Pray. There's immeasurable power in it.

Never interrupt when you are being flattered.

Mind your own business.

Don't trust a man who doesn't close his eyes when you kiss him.

Once a year, go someplace you've never been before.

If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth's greatest satisfaction.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.

Learn the rules then break some.

Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.

Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Remember that your character is your destiny.

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Don't squat with your spurs on.

Don't interfere with something that ain't botherin' you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm. The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.

Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Generally, you ain't learnin' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.

Tellin' a man to git lost and makin' him do it are two entirely different propositions.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

When you give a personal lesson in meanness to a critter or to a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back.

Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's sure crucial to know what it was.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.