Entrenched in fear, I shall keep this secret to myself and shut myself off from the rest of the world. My doctor had told me that as long as I protect myself, I do not have to tell anyone about this unless I truly trust them. How can I trust anyone? The one person I trusted and loved, lied to me and gave me this dreaded virus. I could never do that to another person. The guilt would be too great to bear.
1992- I am no longer with the person who gave this to me. I left for other reasons, should have left earlier, but I decided to belive them about not knowing, because I was in love, naive, and afraid to let go of a bad relationship filled with lies and deceit. Did I only stay so long because of Herpes? Now I sit here and wonder what the hell I am to do about allowing another person into my life. My outbreaks are infrequent, why should I tell them? Most relationships don't last anyway, I will just play the casual relationship game and move on. Hey my doctor must be right, as long as I dont have an outbreak and protect myself, I will be fine and so will they.
1993- Playing the game, living in the rat race. Drinking, partying, one night stands. This is not me, I was not brought up to be this kind of person. I'm exhausted both emotionally and physically. I can't handle this dishonesty. I won't allow myself to get close to someone. Surely they would leave me anyway. I think I'll just throw in the towel and stay home. I can no longer live with worrying about giving this to someone. I've shut myself off from my friends, they are forever trying to fix me up with someone. I've gained some weight, maybe if I don't look so attractive, they will stop asking me out. Just gonna shut the world out. Maybe there will be a cure soon. My Lord, My God, why hast thou forsaken me? What lesson am I to learn here? You say that you never give us a cross that is too hard to bear, but this is too much to deal with. I am so alone.
1996- What the hell have I done to myself? I look horrible, feel terrible. Still alone, cut off from most contact. This is not what I had planned for my life. Something has to change soon. Out of fear of rejection I have cut myself off from human contact. In actuality, I have created my own prison, I have put myself in a guilded cage. I am not protecting myself, I am slowly killing off any piece of the person I used to be. Where is the wonderlust of yesteryear? Well, I got myself where I am today, guess I am the only one who can get me out of it.
1997- Ok life is gonna start changing. I make things happen, right? Bought myself a computer, Hmnnn think I'll check out the web and see if there are any new developments in a cure for Herpes. Wow, I can't belive how much information is out here? What is this about asymptomatic shedding? Oh God, I hope I didn't give this to someone unknowingly. I am sure they would have told me.
Hmnnn, what is this? Herpes, live chat room. Let me check this out. What name shall I use, who could be in there? Ok I'm gonna do it. Logging in now. Wow look at all these people? I am not alone in this. There are others just like me. Same fears, same issues. This is too good to be true! So much information, web sites, dating pages, pictures of people just like me. I am not alone anymore! I no longer have to feel like a second class citizen. Everyday people just like me, wow I feel reborn. I truly wish this was around years ago, I would not have wasted so much of my life in fear. But you live and learn I suppose.
1998- Life is good. It is so liberating to be able to finally talk about this. I come back almost everyday just to chat and speak freely. I have met so many new people in the past few months. Both online and in person. I am truly blessed to meet such wonderful friends. Loosing weight, eating healthy, working out. Life is back on track, I can do this. I can be me again. Maybe I will actually have all the things I thought I would miss out on. Marriage, children, a new circle of friends.
I now know there is hope. There may not be a cure for this virus. But I have met an exceptional group of people from all over the world. If this is the lesson that God gave me, then I can accept that wholeheartedly. I couldn't ask for a nicer group of friends, we travel together now, go out and socialize. The virus itself was never the issue, the emotional stigma attached to it is what I have been contending with all these lonely years in seclusion.
I no longer have to bear the shame of the scarlet H. The burden has lifted. I am becoming the fun loving, zest for life seeking person of yesteryear, and you know what? I love it!!
A personal note to all who have been affected by this. There is hope, there are kind people out there who care. Support, kindess and making new friends are important, as well as, maintaining a healthy mind, body and spirit. God gives you what you need when you need it, and I thank him for finally getting around to giving me all of you.
Thank you.