This is my testimony about my fight with Bi-Polar Disorder. These are my personal stories and discoveries. I do not claim that my perceptions are accurate for everyone, or that my coping methods will work for everyone. I do hope it helps, educates, encourages. Please let me know if I have helped you. The battle goes on!
I was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder (Manic/Depression) 15 years ago. I have been through 9 different anti-depressant drugs, and now am on Paxil. Most of the drugs did help to keep me "evened out" but some had side effects like severe headache, nausea and dizziness. After a while, each drug has become less effective until dosage or medication had to be changed. I have been suicidal on a few occasions, even to the point of putting the barrel of a gun in my mouth. This all sounds like bad news I know, but here is the up side:
I am still alive. I have two beautiful, intelligent, funny children, whom I love with all my heart. I have a great job and a nothing is too difficult for me to overcome.
Let me describe bi-polar disorder. This is manic-depressive disorder. Most people know about depression. Manic does not mean super-happy. It is more like the nerves and emotions are so over-primed, so raw, that it is hard to function. I tend to talk incessantly, have trouble putting sentences together, sleep very little and am easily angered.
There are chemicals in the brain that control the functioning of the synapses in the nerves. When the chemicals are out of balance the nerves do not "fire" properly. Inappropriate emotions and actions result. Think of it in two ways.
1)This is an illness. Like a flu, you are not in control of it, it comes when you least want or expect it, you are not responsible for this illness.
2)It is like the oil in a car engine. If there is a slow leak, the car will not work right and will eventually burn out. When your nerve synapses are not holding the chemicals that you need to function, you will wear down. Sometimes it results in a total breakdown.
Some things to look for:
fatigue - I often feel that I can't get out of bed, can't face one more chore.
over- or under- eating, either trying to comfort with food, or not having the energy to cook or even eat. It's too much effort
risky behavior, taking chances, promiscuity, reckless spending - for me this surfaces as not paying my bills on time. I'll write out the checks and everything, and then carry them in my purse until they are late
suicidal thoughts or actions, not as a plea for attention, more like a desire to end an intolerable situation. Always take these feelings seriously.
I have not only survived this mental illness, but I am living a good life. I am at least as happy as anyone else. I feel that, while I may never conquer the chemical imbalances, never be cured, I can survive magnificantly.
How I have overcome:
Caring Doctors-- If you are not comfortable admitting all of your symptoms to your Dr. (physical or psychiatric) you need to find a new one. Your Dr. should be sympathetic and comforting and willing to recommend someone else if he/she is not qualified enough. This is a life-or-death illness.
Medication -- how I hate having to take pills every day to live "normally"! I resent it, but I know I have to do it. The medications are out there for YOU, keep trying until you find what works.
Support -- you must have at least a few friends or relatives or counselors who you can call when the meds stop working or stress kicks off a depression. It's hard - but you've got to trust
Faith -- My faith in God, and Jesus Christ as Savior, has kept me alive. When I have been lowest, wanting to die and end the pain (not only mine, but the people around me) He has never left me. I will not leave nor forsake you For me, depression has been accompanied by demons. Satan sees the weakness that the illness brings to me and uses it to attack me, whispering worthlessness, despair, hopelessness. But, I know that God, the Holy Spirit, is stronger than Satan and stronger than me. He that is in me is stronger than he who is in the world. Say the name "Jesus" over and over. Satan cannot abide the name, it eases the torment and pressure. I have sat with a gun in my hand and prayed, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus because I couldn't think enough to say anything else. If you do not know Jesus Christ, I hope that you will learn about Him. Talk to someone, a priest, pastor, whatever. You can also email me. I will gladly introduce you to my personal Savior. I don't know if I could have made it the last ten years without that faith. And I have grown in my faith despite the constant trials.
Hope -- Never give up. You are not bad, or evil, or worthless. There is help out there. Without knowing your name, I will pray every day that you are led to the help you need.
