You Panic. You're A Mother. It Gets Tough & You're Not Alone

Many woman who have panic attacks are stay-at-home moms. For whatever reason we made the decision to be a SAHM, along with it comes some pretty severe guilt and confusion. Please note that I fully understand that many, many woman work, have children, AND have panic attacks, and also probably go through many of these same things that I'm going to talk about here, and I - in no way mean to belittle your experience, it's just that I'm not in that position, so I find it easier to address "what I know". I'm a housewife myself, so this is what I know from experience.

Also, I know many men go through this as well, - but again, I can't share that point of view with you! :)

One more "and also"...I know there are woman who are SAHM's and have none of these problems. Thank God.

We Feel We're Letting Everyone Down

How many of us had children and then developed panic attacks? That's how it was for me.

I wanted to be the greatest mother, the best wife, I wanted to collect cookbooks and delve into making huge meals and maybe after dinner take the kids to T-Ball practice, then a quick stop at the Dairy Queen to buy them a treat.

Well, life rarely goes the way you plan. I'm not saying that's always bad, really, just that often what you get isn't even close to what you were prepared for.

Going to sports practice is next to impossible for me. Sitting with my children at a playground, also very close to impossible. Just driving TO the playground some days is out of the question.

The people you never wanted to hurt, or let down - your children and husband, you find yourself doing every day, you think. It becomes the norm for your husband to do the grocery shopping, and you try to convince yourself that you didn't want to go to that school play anyway.

Your activities start dwindling down, finally it seems the only places you CAN manage to get to with some degree of calmness are your doctor's office and your mom's house - and of course home again.

Are you seeing it in your husband's eyes....is he tiring of this? Will he leave - will you be alone with this, losing the man you love with all your heart? You remember, you said "in sickness and in health" ... but is he going to stick to that promise??

So you try. You wake up one morning and you say, "This is it. I'm going to be strong, I'm going to smile and laugh and play fun songs on the radio and dance with the kids, I won't take a nap and by God, hubby and kids are going to have a spotless house and a big awesome dinner tonight." You do fabulously until you realize you're out of laundry detergent and milk - you see the keys sitting by the door and you know that the car is right outside, the grocery store is only 2 miles away. Suddenly you feel a little lightheaded - what if you wreck the car?? Pass out in the grocery store??? What if - what if - what if!!!!"

Instead of doing anything, you lay down in bed and try to get through yet another panic attack.

I know so well how hard we try. I know that there have been days I've cried with the pain that being afraid to go to the grocery store has brought. How hard it was to even do a load of laundry. But does anyone else know? Nobody sees how hard I try - they come home and see me and I look tired and sloppy, dinner is less than interesting and everyone goes their seperate ways after that. Do they stop to wonder what I've done all day? Yes, I think that they wonder why I didn't clean again.

So here it is.

Why I Didn't Clean The House Today

Dear (___husbands name here___),

You asked me today why I didn't clean the house, and I'd like to explain what I mean when I say "I couldn't - I was panicky."

I woke up with you this morning and I felt so strong, just by your being there. I watched as you got ready for work - packed your lunch and tied your shoes. I was thinking how wonderful it must be to go outside every day and see people, even if you don't talk to them - just that you interacted with other human beings must be wonderful. That was what that dreamy look was all about.

After you left I remembered I hadn't taken my panic attack medicine, so I dug around in my purse and finally found it. After I swallowed it, I started wondering why I have to take this stuff and yet I still have panic attacks so bad. I guess I figured there must be something wrong with me that I'm not responding to the medicine like everyone else seems to. Again I know that it must be a terrible let-down to you and the kids that it's not working, too. I remember you had seemed to have such high hopes for this one.

The kids woke up and then I felt better. I don't know what happened, but the kitchen just exploded - those kids just race through here and it looks like a cyclone went through it! I watched them get on the bus, from the front door, and then I was so exhausted I sat down at the table again. All of those dishes in the sink, papers on the table and laundry waiting to be done kind of faded out when I started thinking again how lonely I felt. I didn't mean to, but I guess I sat there for a while thinking what it would be like to maybe go out shopping or to meet a friend for coffee.

Well, that is, if most of my friends hadn't deserted me when I told them about my panic attacks.

I got up and straightened the house up a little, but when I passed the mirror in the livingroom I noticed how awful I looked. I got out of my pajamas and put on something comfortable - my stomach had started to hurt and I knew it was because I forgot to eat breakfast again. With my stomach feeling queazy, my thoughts turned to my panic attacks again, and wouldn't you know it, I started to get panicky right away.

I spent a good hour trying to relax, take deep breaths, refocus on something else - I even tried to do all the dishes but again got so lightheaded I had to sit down. I did the math to figure out how long it would be before you got home and that depressed me, so I figured out that the kids would be home before you and that made me feel a little better. Well, I wanted to do something nice for them, so I tried to make cookies. It was going really well until my mother called and started telling me how I was wasting my life and everything. I got off of the phone with her and took the last batch of cookies out of the oven, but again that stupid panicky feeling swept over me.

I must have fallen asleep on the sofa until you got home. I had layed down and tried some of those relaxation techniques that work but make me so sleepy. I know that you're disappointed and I know that I burned those last few cookies and the kids ate all of the good ones, but I really had meant to save you some of the good ones, and now I seem to have messed that up too.

If I knew how to be strong all day I would do it. There is no question - I watch those TV shows that show these perfect houses, and these cute little family outings that you can do, and I want to do all those things. I want to go to school with the kids and help out - be a stand-in baseball coach - join the PTA and run ten committees, be a perfect size 7 - bake cookies that don't get burnt and more than anything in the world, I want you to go to bed at night and smile knowing that you're still married to the girl you fell in love with, that she's happy and bright and outgoing, that just seeing her lifts your spirits and makes your heart pound harder.

I would give anything for that - but it hasn't happened. I've worked hard so that it would, but it hasn't. I cry knowing this, and I pray that you'll bear with me until I figure out what it is that I DO need to do better in order to get back to being "myself".

With Love, Your Wife

Why didn't I clean? Well I was too busy wrestling with panic and hating every moment of it.

Listen to me though ladies, it will get easier. It DOES get easier. Keep trying, never give up. Someday your husband is going to get irritated that you never seem to be home and you're always shopping and you decided to go back to work or school and now you're never home. Don't you dare for a second believe that how this feels today is how it is going to feel forever.

I know this, what I wrote, may not apply to all of you, but it used to apply to me. It might even seem a little corny to some of you, but no matter how sad it sounds, it is what I lived for many years. My children were babies and I was so panicky that I even missed orientation day for Kindergarten. But I fought like hell to be able to drive again, and it took every ounce of courage, energy and braveity that I had in my body and soul, but I found out that I could go out and live!

My husband knows what panic attacks are - no doubt he's nearly an expert, but you know what - the only reason that is like that is because I took the time to educate him, I read everything I could get my hands on, talked to as many people as possible - until I understood what was making me tick. Once I knew that - I had a great place to start.

He was willing to work with me on this - because he realized that by my talking about it, by my "trying" to do things (and sometimes having to turn around and go straight home), that I was at least interested in getting better, when before all I wanted to do was be sad about it. So my being interested in getting better was a million times better than my doing NOTHING.

Sure, it isn't always pretty, the things you find out about yourself. You may face up to things you have hidden from your whole life because they were too hard to deal with, but when you do that, and you come through the other side, you can start living again! And trust me - the first time you stand in the middle of a crowded mall juggling a soft pretzel and a sprite, two shopping bags and your purse, and you realize that you're alone and have no clue where you parked your car, but WHO CARES...let me tell you, that's a day you'll never forget.