Feeling Like You're Losing It

Did you ever feel like you were going crazy? I know that feeling. Well.

I started a job a few weeks ago, and it was difficult. I'd been somewhat housebound with agoraphobia for the prior two years, my grandfather just passed away, I moved recently, and everything in my life was feeling like it was out of control. So, I'd remembered that I was always better when I was working, and so one day when I was feeling very good, I went and got this great job.

It was hard, the interview, the first two weeks...I was very uncomfortable, near panic all day every day. Remember, I hadn't driven anywhere, shopped anywhere, or talked to people for almost two years...and suddenly there I was: Driving into the city, parking, walking into the building and doing a job...I dealt with people, ran errands, all sorts of office type things.

As you can imagine, it was quite a switch for me. It was like a parallel universe compared to what I had been living. So one Sunday night, after a long anxiety filled weekend, I layed in bed thinking. My thoughts started racing and I began worrying that I was going crazy.

Was I going to freak out? Lose control? Would my thoughts get away from me and never return? Would I have to be committed, losing my children, my husband and myself? How scary would that be?

It turned into a horrible panic attack. Just horrible. I woke my husband and had him talk to me, I took a whole xanax, and nothing helped, nothing would convince me that I wasn't going insane.

I called the doctor at home, and he had me take more xanax and he tried to reassure me that I wasn't going crazy. It didn't help much, but I finally was able to fall asleep, although I woke up in the middle of the night with the same racing thoughts going on. In the morning, I made an appointment to see my doctor, thankfully someone had cancelled and she could see me at 9:30.

I took another half of a xanax, and went into see her. She reassured me that I wasn't going crazy, and I was certain to be very clear about how scared I was of this whole thing.

With all the life changes, the moving, the new jobs, the loss of my grandfather, all sorts of things...it was a bit too much for my panic attacks. She started me on a new medicine called Effexor, and as of right now I'm waiting to see how that makes me feel. To be honest, all this just happened last night and today, so I'm still pretty shaken up. I felt pretty good all day, I did call in sick to work though - although I went in for about ten minutes to see if they needed me for anything.

See, that's the problem with my job. There's nothing there to keep me busy. I sit there 75% of the day with nothing to do but worry that I should be busier! It's hard to handle, especially since I need to focus on things to keep my panic at bay. So, we'll see what happens....either a new job, quitting work entirely, or something...but right now, I am on the verge of panicking again, scared that I'm going to go to bed tonight and my thoughts will start racing in that direction again.

Update Mid-2000

It's been a long time since all that happened. That job, well, I left there pretty shortly after I wrote about it. The Effexor never did it's job so I stopped taking it. I messed around at home for a few months, tinkered with starting my own business so I'd make money AND never have to leave the house -- not a good thing, from a recovery point of view anyway.

I started taking Paxil after I'd spent too many weeks believing I was losing my mind. Well, after about two months my life changed so much I barely recognized myself. Happy? Oh my God, I was so happy - working at a really challenging job, no panic attacks, feeling great about myself and addressing some difficult things in my life, I have the strength to do that now! It's been great for about a year now, and you know, as seriously as I believed that I was going to have to live out the rest of my life in an institute, I sure have come a long way!

Believe me, trust me, just please try and hang in there - it does get better, you won't go crazy - it can be SO much better of a life if you give it all of your effort, every ounce of bravery you have inside of you, stick with your supportive friends - you know all the right things to do, so do them! :)