WHO AM I………………..REALLY?????????????

Have you ever found yourself literally searching to find yourself, looking for that inner voice that is uniquely yours and yours alone. The one that struggles to be heard when you are trying to be a good friend, a good daughter or a good sister when you really just want to be. That inner voice knows that just being, means that you are neither this nor that. Yeah, it feels like a circular argument, because you are struggling to be so many things to everybody while forsaking sometimes your own personal truths. As much as I can hear my inner voice resonating to get out, too often I am afraid of letting go and listening. Mostly afraid of offending others, perhaps more afraid of facing the me I am supposed to be. I truly believe if I every let the me inside out I will some how find myself closer to the me I am supposed be and perhaps even embrace my own personal truths. Most days I try not to think and to not feel and as a result, I am usually left feeling and thinking more. Thinking and analyzing how I live my life and feeling nothing but pain because it all feels like one big lie. Utter sadness because I know in many ways it is of my own making and also knowing that it’s only me who can change it. I have discovered if you work hard enough, you can create an artificial form of joy. Joy based on doing all the right things for all the wrong reasons. Joy based on following the straight and narrow when you really want to go and explore that winding road wherever it may lead. I have cultivated the art of being full of sh-t, it’s not difficult, just agree to agree and do not make waves then convince yourself that it is okay to suppress your opinions and how you feel. Though lately I am also discovering that it all just gets old and its too difficult holding up this house of cards built on pain. Like the lyrics to Paula Cole’s song, "Me", it's me who is my enemy, me who beats me up, me who makes the monsters and me who strips my confidence. I want to one day feel something other then pain and fear, its time I shed this old skin and let my true voice resonate through. I have not figured out what to do with this inner voice struggling to get out, perhaps soon I may yet find myself being closer to the me I am supposed to be. I also know it means leaving my safe artificial joy behind and feeling the good, the bad and exploring that winding road. Scared but looking forward to it,"Now Is A Good Time"…………………………………………………FUJICAT:)

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self help
motivational

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