MY STORY
June 26th, 1998
My name is Andie and I' m 21 years old!
I think I must tell you why this place is called " Hope' s Place"!
Last year, after a very bad time, I decided to get a tatoo! I took a chinese sign, which means HOPE! For me this means hope for a better life! And so this word became "my" word!
I' m sure you want to know more about myself, so I' ll tell you!
As long as I can remember food was a problem for me! I had never been a fat child, but my mum always said to me, that I should not eat sweets to stay in shape! Whenever I got sweets as a present my mum took them away from me! Can you imagine how I envyed the other kids?
So I learned at a very young age that to be slim is very important!
As I started high school I began to go on diets together with my mum!
At this time eating was no problem for me, I didn' t even know that there are things like bulimia out there! I ate what I wanted to and from time to time I went on a diet to get rid of the pounds, but I was quite happy with it! I liked myself and that was the important thing!
I grew older and boys became a serious issue for me and from this time weight was a seriuos problem for me! I always thought I was too fat, although I wasn' t!
I was about 16 years old when the deadly circle started! First I wanted to loose only a few pounds, but it didn ' t really work! I lost them, but whenever I felt bad I ate a lot and gained back the weight! So the next diet started and so on!
As I graduated from high school I was at a pretty healthy weight and really liked myself! I felt good and I forgot all the diets and the scales! I just lived a happy life!
I can' t say now why that changed, but I started to eat more and more! The consequence was that I gained a lot of weight! I felt horrible! So I started a new diet! But no healthy one, I just began to starve! The next year there were times when I binged and when I starved! Sometimes I was feeling very weak and one day I nearly fainted in the disco! My weight went up and down and I was complitly unhappy with myself!
A few weeks after my 21st birthday the relationship to my boyfriend broke up and I was feeling worser then ever before! I thought I was fat, disgusting and worthless. My eating behavior got worser, I gained a lot of weight!
One day after a bingeing I got up, went to the sink and tried to make myself sick! I tried so many times before, but without success. This time it worked!
I can remember this day as if it was yesterday! I though "Just one time"and " I won' t do it again"! How naiv I was!
First it was a release to vomit after bingeing, but now it' s just horror! I' m not able to stop it by myself!
I don' t know if I' m a typical bulimic! I do have days were I starve, days were I binge without purging and days were I binge/purge!
I went to a counsellor, and she said that I' m not eating as much as most bulimic does! It sounded as if she didn' t take me serious, so I stopped to see her!
I think the point isn' t how much I eat, the point is that I make myself sick and that I hate myself! I want to see a new counsellor in a few days, perhaps this will help me. I' ll let you know about it, so come back, if you want to know more!
