HELLO THERE! JJ in L.A. here!
I'm 33 (Cancer), dk. blonde/lt. brown hair and blue eyes. I am the youngest of 7 (5 brothers, 1 sister) and spoiled rotten! Just ask them. LOL! My hobbies and interests include: reading (Dean Koontz, Stephen King, Anne Rule), swimming (May-September), traveling and sight-seeing (I've been to 26 states, Mexico and Canada - the Northern Lights are AWESOME!), counted cross-stitch, photography, sun sign astrology and April Fool's Day (the stories I could tell!). Oh yeah, I've been disabled all my life and in a wheelchair since June '94.


1998 has been a 'VERY' good year for me. I've been waiting all my life (a L-O-N-G time!) for love and I finally found it. Actually, to be honest, he found me. His name is Bill and he was definitely worth the wait. We met online on February 9th and I was a little leery at first (he's 11 1/2 years older than I am) but I called him on his birthday (Pisces) and we hit it off. He did most of the talking (later he said it was because he was nervous) but I've gotten a word in here and there a few times since then. LOL! He e-mailed me the next day saying, "Thank you for making the last 24 hours of my life so special. The phone call and my dreams were wonderful."

We've been e-mailing and talking on the phone ever since. His soothing voice calms me down - he called me the day after St. Patrick's Day so I wouldn't worry if I didn't get an e-mail from him because he was home not feeling well. And his outrageous laughter cheers me up - he called me to say his favorite sci-fi movie (when he was a kid) was on. We both had cable (and could watch it simultaneously) so I called him back after, saying, "*That* was your favorite movie?" He burst out laughing and replied, "It was scarier when I was 8."

We never seem to run out of things to say and he's very caring - I was e-mailing him one day and mentioned that I had a headache. He wrote, "Go offline. I'm calling you." I did and he called telling me to take something for it and lay down for the rest of the afternoon. I didn't want to but I did anyway. He called that night to find out how I was feeling. I was MUCH better! Not long after that, I got a beautiful card from him about Soulmates - the cover of the card read: 'The very fabric of you is so familiar'. Inside, it read: 'It's as if we were woven of the same cloth.' I melted! We exchanged pictures and sometimes notes but mostly it was the daily (numerous) e-mails and bi-weekly phone calls that brought us emotionally closer to each other.

Stranger In My Life

Touch me, my kind stranger
Reach into my heart, so bold
Relieve the threat of danger
Let the love within, unfold

Your words they dance, across my screen
Like sprinkles of magic dust
Something that's so rarely seen
In a land with little trust

Emotions filling up my thoughts
A place that I dare go
Unanswered questions, to things once sought
Yet you, stranger, seem to know

Captivated within your passion stream
Dazed with what you say
Waiting to awaken, from this dream
Yet hoping it will stay

At every crossroad, there you stand
Expressing love, within your heart
Reaching out to hold my hand
To try and help me find that start

You stranger, know me more than I
This I can't explain
It seems that you have caught my eye
So it is here, I shall remain

Give it time, to grow it's wings
Let thy know the heart is true
Give it song, for it to sing
Let me grow with you
On May 20th, I made an impromptu phone call to him and during a very intense conversation, he said those 3 little words. In a daze, I heard myself whispering, "I love you too, Bill." He heard me and it sounded like he was crying (which made me tear up) when he said, "You said it, you said it! Thank God, you said it!" I knew I loved him but I wanted to wait until we met in person to admit it. I needed to know that we would 'click' but he's a pretty persuasive guy and it just came out. LOL! Before we hung up, he asked, "You didn't expect that to happen, did you?" No, I didn't. I never thought it was possible to fall in love over the Internet and phone calls, but believe me, I 'know' it can happen.

We made arrangements to meet after we'd known each other for about 4 months. I needed to feel that I could trust him before I felt comfortable meeting him in person. He was SO excited and looking forward to it. About 3 weeks before he was due to arrive, I mailed him my old drivers license (which had a fantastic picture of me). He called the day he got it but I wasn't home so he left a message on my answering machine, "Got your license today...are you sure I can't come NOW?!" LOL!

A week before his arrival, I asked him what he wanted to do while he was visiting. He kept talking about going to Disneyland so I reluctantly agreed (I've been there too many times to count!). The day he was to arrive, he e-mailed me until he left for the airport, called me from the airport just to say 'Hi', then called from the hotel because I wanted to know that he'd arrived safely - even though it was 1 am.

It was June 26th when we 'finally' met in person. Talk about being scared! Not that he was a 'bad guy' but that we were fooling ourselves about our feelings for each other. Good News!!! We spent 3 days (no nights, rules 'are' rules, LOL!) together and the feelings are REAL! It's SOOO nice to be with someone you are totally comfortable with. He's compassionate, kind, thoughtful, funny and a whole lot more. The minute we met, I fell in love with his smile. That's the thing I remember most about that day.

The other thing I remember was how wonderful he was. We 'did' go to Disneyland and after eating lunch I got sick (due to a stomach disorder). Nervousness must have gotten the best of me. We had to sit for the next few hours (holding hands) while my stomach calmed down. I kept apologizing and he said, "It's okay, sweetheart. It's kind of nice to take care of someone else for a change."

I didn't know about him but 'I' was clicking that weekend! He's VERY affectionate *EWG* which is something I've always wanted in the man I love. He's also verbally affectionate which boosts my ego tremendously. He keeps calling me 'gorgeous' and I used to blush but I'm getting used to it (and starting to believe it). We have so much in common, it's almost spooky. He likes to say, "We are two peas in a pod, Sweetheart." Romantic, hunh?

'Love has reasons that reason knows nothing of.'
We 'do' have a few differences though. He's a morning person and I'm not; he loves baseball, golfing and curling (what's that? LOL!) and I don't; I love swimming and he doesn't (I've seen him swim, trust me, he doesn't love it). But he doesn't need to love it, I just need him to love ME!

To Love An Angel

The Angel came to me one night
when I was very sad
She said she had come to thank me
for helping her when no one else had

She saw a tear fall from my eye
and looked at me in dismay
And just as soon as she had come
she quickly flew away

I really didn't understand
I thought she didn't care
But it wasn't long after she left
that I heard someone was there

She understood the pain I felt
for she had felt it too
And she did the only thing
that she could think to do

I saw a figure there in the dark
and before he stepped into the light
I knew that my Angel had sent him here
she was trying to set things right

She had sent me an Angel to stop my tears
from the beautiful heavens above
She tried to help the only way she knew how
by replacing my sorrow with love

And I truly did love him, this I knew
as I felt my heart drown in his eyes
And he lifted me up in his arms
and we soared into the skies

I finally knew for the first time in my life
that I would no longer be alone
And then I had a strange feeling and I saw
that I had grown wings of my own

We flew together on a current of love
and amazingly, finally felt whole
And then he surprised me, yet again
he kissed me, and touched my soul
He called my mom on July 4th to wish her a happy birthday and she was really flattered that he'd call a virtual stranger. On 'my' birthday, he called at 10 am (he knows I sleep late, LOL!) and sang, "Happy Birthday" to me in an Elvis Presley voice. We talked for awhile then hung up. Hours later, I was online checking my e-mail and he was online as well. We got into a chat room (which I rarely do) and he was telling everyone that it was his *girlfriend's* birthday.

That night, he called me again to ask how my day went. My sister came over with a birthday cake but I didn't want to get off the phone. I said, "She's only my sister," and he replied, "No, she's 'only' family." He said to go blow out my candles and call him back if I wanted to. So I did! LOL!

In late July, Bill e-mailed me saying, "Have you heard this song? It's happened to me and it's you, my Beloved! God, this song is PERFECT!"

So, here is 'Our Song':

I Know You're Out There Somewhere
The Moody Blues

I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you

The mist is lifting slowly
I can see the way ahead
And I've left behind the empty streets
That once inspired my life

And the strength of the emotion
Is like thunder in the air
'Cos the promise that we made each other
Haunts me to the end

(Chorus)
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere, somewhere
I know you're out there somewhere
Somewhere you can hear my voice

I know I'll find you somehow
Somehow, somehow
I know I'll find you somehow
And somehow I'll return again to you

The secret of your beauty
And the mystery of your soul
I've been searching for in everyone I meet

And the times I've been mistaken
It's impossible to say
And the grass is growing
Underneath our feet

(Chorus)

From the words that I remember
From my childhood still are true
That there's none so blind
And those who will not see

And to those who lack the courage
And say it's dangerous to try
Well, they just don't know
That love eternal will not be denied

(Chorus)

Yes, I know it's going to happen
I can feel you getting near
And soon we'll be returning
To the fountain of our youth

And if you wake up wondering
In the darkness I'll be there
My arms will close around you
And protect you with the truth

But, alas, my story doesn't have a happy ending!

'Love can sometimes be magic.
But magic can sometimes just be an illusion.'
On August 8th, he called while visiting his kids (in another state) to tell me that he'd been 'let go' from his job and was staying for a week to find work. I called him the night before he moved back home, but before I did, I spent the day crying because I think I knew (deep down) that we were 'over'. I could tell he was distracted during the call so we didn't talk very long.

'Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.'
I knew he wouldn't have e-mail access (except for the library) or phone access (except for work) so I didn't expect any communication for a couple weeks. To my surprise (and delight), he called 3 days later, saying he was okay and that he thought about me all the time. I was SO to hear that!

Eventually, though, the phone calls and e-mails came less frequently and he became more distant. He was turning into someone I didn't recognize. We had always been able to talk about anything but when he 'did' call, he avoided talking about what was going on in his heart and mind. His calls mostly consisted of, "I only have a minute, just called to say 'hi'." And his e-mails were equally as short, "I'm at the library. Don't give up hope!" I sensed his feelings for me were changing but I didn't want to believe that it was 'actually' happening.

'Absence diminishes small loves and increases great ones,
as the wind blows out the candle but feeds the bonfire.'
For some reason, on Oct. 6th, I just 'knew' he was going to call. But I didn't think he would say what he did - that he was going back to his wife! I knew he had been confused about what he wanted but I didn't think he'd do THAT! I never really believed it could be a possibility considering the way he had talked about her. He couldn't say the things he'd said and still love her. Needless to say, my mind was numb and my heart was broken.

What do you know? You know just what you perceive
What can you show? Nothing of what you believe
And as you grow, each thread of your life that you lead
Will spin around your deeds and dictate your needs
As you sell your soul and you sew your seeds
And you wound yourself and your loved one bleeds
And your conscience grows and your habits feed
On all that you thought you should be
I never thought this could happen to me

Don McLean
'You are the star of your own life, so don't act like your needs are only a subplot.'
I think what hurt the most (besides his decision) was that he didn't say he was sorry. When I asked him why, he replied, "I need to be with my kids." I should have known that they would be a major part of the reason. He kept telling me, "My kids will ALWAYS come first!" I agree that kids 'should' come first - when they're young. But his kids are in their teens. Life is too short to live it making someone else happy and yourself miserable. Which, I think, is what he's doing. But he didn't talk to me about it so it's just speculation on my part.

Self Doubt

Was I just a joke to you?
Something to amuse you
For the time being
But never to be taken seriously
A jester in the game of love

Was I a mere child?
One that you would take in
Shelter, and care for
Until the time came
For the kid to move on

Was I a substitute?
To take the place
Of a void, left by her
Which no woman
Will ever be able to fill
Was I just an experience?
Something different and unique
You'd never had anyone like me
So why not just go ahead
And try it, to see how it is

Did I seem fake to you?
How much I cared
All the coincidences
That actually were, just that
Or maybe a taste of fate

Do you even miss me?
What we used to share
Did it seem sweet to you
Or are you much happier
Having me gone?

'Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.'
I don't regret meeting him, either online or in person. But, I 'do' wish that he had been much more honest with me AND with himself. I think he wanted to believe he was in love but it was just loneliness until he got his family back. And 'I' should have realized that I was caught up right smack in the middle of his mid-life crisis.

'Choose your love wisely, love your choice always.'
Lessons I Have Learned
*I have learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

*I have learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.

*I have learned that it takes years to build trust, but only seconds to destroy it.

*I have learned that it is not 'what' you have in your life but 'who' you have in your life that counts.

*I have learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for a lifetime.

*I have learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

*I have learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you get to say them.

*I have learned that true friendship can continue to grow, even over the longest distance. The same goes for 'true love'.

*I have learned that sexual attraction can only take you so far. When the passion fades, there had better be something else there to take it's place.

*I have learned that you can keep going long after you think you can.

*I have learned that you control your attitude or it controls you.

*I have learned that our backgrounds and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

*I have learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all that they have.

*I have learned that people who you aren't related to can take care of you and love you - and teach you how to trust people again.

*I have learned that we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.

*I have learned maturity has more to do with the experiences you have had and what you learn from them, and less to do with how many birthdays you have celebrated.

*I have learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief.

*I have learned that your life can be dramatically changed by people you don't even know.

*I have learned that jealousy is a sign of insecurity and immaturity.

*I have learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

*I have learned that actions really 'do' speak louder than words.

*I have learned that people you care about the most in life can be taken from you too soon.

*I have learned that two people can look at the same exact thing and see something totally different.

*I have learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

*I have learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while, and you must forgive them for that.

*I have learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

*I have learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line between not hurting someone's feelings and standing up for what you believe.

*I have learned that no matter how thin you slice it, there are always two sides.

*I have learned that writing as well as talking can ease emotional pain.

*I have learned that sometimes you follow your heart and it takes you to wonderful places.

I believe in Fate (everything happens for a reason) and I guess we just weren't meant to be together. I don't believe in the Soulmate Theory (there's only 1 person on earth that I'm 'meant' to be with) but I know that we 'were' True Friends. The worst part of breaking up is losing the friendship.

'Cherish things while you still have them,
before they're gone,
and you realize how precious they really are.'
Time Of Your Life (Good Riddence)
Green Day

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It's something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth, it was worth all the while
I hope you had the time of your life

I had the time of MY life!
'Life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards.'

Today is February 9th, 1999 and it's been exactly 1 year since this whole episode in my life began. In a way, it's been the 'best' and the 'worst' year I could imagine. It's true that time flies when you're having fun, but it's also true that time stands still when you're not. I've gotten over the worst of the pain and I'm now ready to find someone (or for him to find me) to spend my life with. But if not, I know that no matter what, I can AND will be .

'Everything in life (including life itself) is temporary.
So if things are going well, enjoy it because it won't last forever.
And if things are going badly, don't worry because it won't last forever either.'
I read an Ann Landers Gem of the Day recently which said: "Experience is what you got when you didn't get what you wanted. And sometimes, it's just as well." That struck a chord (I think that's the expression) in me. I've also heard: "Sometimes 'not' getting what you want is the best thing that could ever happen to you."

So I have to believe that there is someone/something better out there for me just waiting for the right time to appear. They (who are 'they', LOL!) say: "Love comes to you when you least expect it." It was true this time so maybe it'll happen the same way next time. Now that I finally realize that there will 'be' a next time, I'm looking forward to it.

'You've got to dance like nobody's watching
and love like it's never going to hurt.'
Loving Thoughts For Life
It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is the 'most' painful, is to love someone and never finding the courage to let the person know how you feel.

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally 'do' meet that person, we know how to be grateful for that gift.

Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, the romance - and you find that you still care for that person.

A sad thing about life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.

When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one that has been opened for us.

The best kind of friend or lover is the one you could sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've ever had.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back. Don't expect love in return, just wait for it to grow in their hearts. But if it doesn't, be glad that it grew in yours.

There are things you love to hear but would never hear it from the person you would love to hear it from. But don't be deaf to hear it from the person who says it with his heart.

Never say goodbye when you still want to try.
Never give up when you still feel you can take it.
Never say you don't love that person anymore when you can't let go.

Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed.
To those who still believe even though they've been betrayed.
And to those who still need to love even though they've been hurt before.

It takes a minute to have a crush on someone.
An hour to like someone.
And a day to love someone.
But it takes a lifetime to forget someone.

Don't go for looks, it can deceive.
Don't go for wealth, even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile because only a smile makes a dark day seem bright.

There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

Dream what you want to dream.
Go where you want to go.
Be what you want to be because you only have one life,
And one chance to do all that you want to do.

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet.
Enough trials to make you strong.
Enough sorrow to keep you human.
Enough hope to make you happy,
And enough money to buy yourself gifts.

Always put yourself in other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person too.

A careless word may kindle strife.
A cruel word may wreck a life.
A timely word may level stress.
A loving word may heal and bless.

The beginning of love is to let those we love be themselves, and not to twist them with our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves that we find in them.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything. They just make the most of everything that comes their way.

Happiness lies for those who cry.
Those who hurt.
Those who have searched.
And those who have tried.
For only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.

Love starts with a smile.
Develops with a kiss.
And ends with a tear.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't get on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're smiling and everyone around you is crying.


After a While

After a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
You learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security
You learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
You begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child

You learn to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
of falling down in midflight
After a while, you learn that
even sunshine burns
if you get too much

So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers
You learn that you really 'can' endure
That you really 'are' strong
And you really 'do' have worth
And you learn and learn...

With every goodbye, you learn
Although I'm not a big (at 'all', LOL!) fan of country music, I felt the song you're listening to was very appropriate for my website.

The Dance
Garth Brooks

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you, I held everything
For a moment I was (queen)
But if I'd only known how the (queen) would fall
Hey, who's to say, you know
I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes, my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd of had to miss the dance

'Eyes are not only windows to the soul, they are mirrors deep within.
Learn to see yourself in others.'
Today is August 10th, 1999. A year ago, I was 'very' because I wasn't sure what was happening with Bill. There have been a lot of changes in my life (both good 'and' bad) in the last 12 months but this August, I'm 'very' . I've met several men online and a few in person since January. But 1 man in particular (his name is Scott) has had a positive impact on my life. I met him online when I came across his website on May 11th and signed his guest book.

He e-mailed me the same day asking what part of L.A. I'm from. It turns out that we live about 25 miles apart. He included his work number but I wrote him saying, "I won't call you at work." Then he sent me his home number and I wrote back, "I won't call you at home until I get to know you a little better." He wrote again asking if I was going to the Abilities Expo (which showcases disability products). You see, he's in a wheelchair too. Only his is a power chair. Mine is a manual chair and I was in the market for a new one. So I wrote back, "Yes, I'm going on May 15th."

I had told him to look for a tall blondish man (my brother, Jeff) pushing a bright red chair. With me in it, of course! I had an appointment and we were running late. We couldn't find the place where I was meeting the wheelchair dealer and I was panicking. Pretty soon, I see this guy wearing a brown cowboy hat zooming up to us in a blue power w/chair. He introduced himself and I said, "Hi, I gotta go. I'll catch up with you later." Or something similar, I don't exactly remember. I had told him on the phone that I was meeting a dealer so I don't think he was too surprised. But if 'I' was him, I would've thought, 'Jeez, what a witch!' LOL!

Afterwards, I tried to call his cell phone number (which he had also given me) several times but it wouldn't go through. I was thinking about leaving but Jeff said, "Let's look around 1 more time. If we see him, you guys can talk for awhile. If not, e-mail him when you get home saying that you couldn't find him." That sounded fair to me and after going through half of the building we caught sight of him again. We cruised over to the refreshment area while Jeff (good brother that he is, LOL!) made himself scarce. Scott asked if I wanted anything to drink, which I didn't, so he left to get something for himself.

While waiting at a table, I looked around then glanced back to see how he was doing. He was standing up! I was 'very' surprised - and mad at myself for judging him by his chair. I told myself, "Knock it off. 'You' hate that!" We talked for quite a while, then decided to leave soon after Jeff returned (even though I was thoroughly enjoying myself). We went out to Scott's truck, watched him load his chair then he left, asking me to call him. I'm glad I already had all of his phone numbers - I didn't have a pen or paper on me. LOL!

We began talking every night, and I always found myself laughing. Once, his sister got on the line and they bantered back and forth. It was hilarious! They obviously have a great relationship and that gave me a good feeling about him. He's been coming over almost every Sunday and we go swimming. My best memory is of the day before my 35th birthday. He treated me to a movie then we went to my house. We sat in the shallow end of the pool all afternoon, watching the thunderheads over the mountains, just talking. But my favorite part was that he had his arms around me. It was nice!

'A friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.'
He's almost 7 months younger than I am (Aquarius) - I always 'knew' I was attracted to younger men! LOL! Aquarians and Cancers aren't supposed to get along very well but 'we' do. Aquarians are reserved, Cancers are zany. Aquarians are thinkers, Cancers are feelers. I think we understand each other's differences and accept them because we 'do' like each other. I also think we both wanted a friend who would understand each of us in a way that not many people could.

We have the same sense of humor - we're both kind of sarcastic, but it's 'not' mean-spirited. We don't take life as seriously as we probably should - 1 of our 'dates' was a comedy of errors. We ate lunch in a park and sodas were spilling while napkins went flying because we couldn't chase after them. It was a fun day! As we were leaving, he got this look on his face that I can only describe as 'eager anticipation'. I was thinking that maybe he wanted to give me a goodbye kiss. That was the 1st time I admitted to myself that I wouldn't mind kissing him. And I eventually did!

I'm sure it's also because we've both been disappointed in past relationships and aren't playing games or BS'ing each other with false promises.

'Friendship is the finest balm for a disappointing love.'
It's nice to know that he likes me for ME. It's also nice that neither one of us have thoughts of "Where is this going?". He's divorced (I made sure of that this time!) and doesn't want to remarry any time soon. After 'my' experience, I've decided that marriage isn't something I need (or even believe in, at this point). We both know (mostly because of our disabilities) that our relationship won't turn into anything more than friendship - with privileges. *EWG* We're enjoying each other's company, becoming good friends and not worrying about what the future holds.

'We should get out of an experience
only the wisdom that is in it and stop there,
lest we be like the cat that sits on a hot stove.
She will never again sit down on a hot stove,
but she will never sit down on a cold one either.'
In the end, everything Bill had said about our relationship turned out not to be true. So, for quite a while, I had a hard time trusting what 'any' man said. But I'm finally learning to trust again and it feels good. I look back on everything that happened and I think Fate or my Guardian Angel (or both, LOL!) helped me to dodge a huge bullet. Scott may not be my Mr. Right but that's okay, I'm sure we'll 'always' be friends. I thought Bill WAS my Mr. Right but I know that the way things turned out is for the best.

I have an honest and sincere friendship with Scott and possible future opportunities (if I so choose). I like the way things are going between us and I'm looking forward to the future. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve but these days I'm wearing it tucked in. It was a HARD lesson to learn but I'm wiser now...and happier than I have been in a long time.


It's April 30th, 2000 and my life has changed a LOT since last summer. First of all, Bill e-mailed me just before the New Year to wish me a 'Happy Millenium'. My response was to send him this URL. Then I received another e-mail saying how happy he was to know that he 'gave me the courage to meet Scott'. What an ego! What he did was make me distrust men (for a while) and question my own judgement.

Someone I met (just after Bill returned home) sent me these lyrics. I was giving him such a hard time - for no other reason than I was hurting. He got tired of fighting against my fears and soon after sending this, gave up. It made me realize what I was doing...not only to myself but to anyone who wanted to get to know me. 'That' person (Rick K.) did more for me than Bill did when it came to meeting Scott.

An Innocent Man
Billy Joel

Some people stay
Far away from the door
If there's a
Chance of it opening up

They hear a voice
In the hall outside
And hope
That it just
Passes by

Some people live
With the fear of a touch
And the anger
Of having been a fool

They will not
Listen to anyone else
So nobody
Tells them a lie

I know you're only protecting yourself
I know you're thinking of somebody else
Someone who hurt you

But I'm not above
Making up for the love
You've been denying
You could ever feel

I'm not above
Doing anything
To restore your faith
If I can

Some people see
Through the eyes of the old
Before they ever
Get a look at the young

I'm only willing
To hear you cry
Because I am
An Innocent Man

I am
An Innocent Man
Oh, yes, I am

Some people say
They will never believe
Another promise
They hear in the dark

Because they only
Remember too well
They heard somebody
Tell them before

Some people sleep
All alone every night
Instead of taking
A lover to bed

Some people find
That it's easier
To hate than
To wait anymore

I know you don't want to hear what I say
I know you're gonna keep turning away

But I've been there

And if I can survive
I can keep you alive
I'm not above
Going through it again

I'm not above
Being cool for a while
If you're cruel to me
I understand

Some people run
From a possible fight
Some people figure
They can never win

And, although this
Is a fight I could lose
The accused is
An Innocent Man

I am
An Innocent Man
Oh, yes, I am
An Innocent Man

You know, you only hurt yourself out of spite
I guess you'd rather be a martyr tonight

That's your decision

But I'm not below
Anybody I know
If there's a chance
Of resurrecting your love

I'm not above
Going back to the start
To find out where
The heartache began

Some people hope
For a miracle cure
Some people just
Accept the world as it is

I'm not willing
To lay down and die
Because I am
An Innocent Man

I am
An Innocent Man
Oh, yes, I am
An Innocent Man
Scott and I are still good friends but in November, he moved much farther away. We met for lunch in January and afterwards, sat in our cars, talking and laughing so hard that people 50 ft. away looked at us. LOL! These days, we call each other occassionally but the distance hampers our getting together in person. We will always have a wonderful friendship and a special understanding.

Also in mid-November, I got an ICQ message saying, "Hi, I'm Wayne. How are you?" It was such a polite intro, I just 'had' to reply! We messaged almost every day and I decided to meet him in person on January 9, 2000. He walked into the restaurant and I didn't recognize him. He looked SO much better than his picture! He also told me that if I hadn't been in the chair, he wouldn't have recognized 'me' from my picture.

After 3 hours of talking, he smiled and said, "Well, do you want to continue this at your house...? I think you know by now that I'm a good guy." I returned the smile and said, "You know, that 'does' sound nice." So he followed me home and we talked for 5 more hours. After that 1st day, we'd get together 1-2 times a week, usually going to the beach or the mountains. We found it easy to talk about everything, getting to know each other better.

He's 2 1/2 years older than I am and has been divorced for several years. He doesn't have any animosity towards his ex...and that's a nice change. He's verbally and physically affectinate (always holding/kissing my hand) and I 'love' that. We have so many things in common: being in nature, taking walks, ice cream, computers, crime/news shows, photography, swimming and being silly. I like to tickle him - and he lets me. LOL!

I told him I was going into the hospital for abdominal surgery 1 month after meeting in person. The day before I went in, he called and said, "It's your last day of freedom for a while, do you want to go to the beach?" I replied, "Perfect!" We spent the day walking, talking and holding hands...and it 'was' perfect. When he took me home that night, we hugged for a long time and I kept saying, "I don't want to do this." Meaning that I didn't want to interrupt the friendship we were developing.

I told him he could call my mom a couple days after the surgery to find out how it went, but he said he'd call her the day of surgery. It surprised me that he wanted to do that. Even my best friend didn't call THAT soon. LOL! Wayne 'did' call to see how I was doing. I remember my mom talking to him and saying, "No, she's not up to talking to anyone yet." He called again a couple days later and I talked to him this time. I didn't want him to see me without make-up and a tube in my nose, but I 'did' want to see him. So he came to visit me 1 week after my surgery.

He walked in the door and I asked, "So, what do you think?" He put his arms over his eyes and said, "Oh, the horror! The horror!" I realized he didn't care how I 'looked', he cared how I 'felt'. We spent that 1st visit holding hands and talking late into the night. He visited me several more times - even bringing his laptop once so I could check my e-mail! He'd ask the nurses questions about the meds I was getting, my general discomfort and bubbles in my IV. I thought it was kinda cute.

I left the hospital after 16 days and I was SO glad to be home that I cried myself to sleep that night. Wayne came over 3 days later and I broke down again. He was rubbing his fingers through my hair and it really hit me that it was finally over. I'm a very emotional person (it's the Cancer in me) and he just held me while I cried. 'I' knew why the tears were flowing but I can't talk while I'm crying so I'm sure he was confused.

"A GOOD man will be there for you when you cry,
the RIGHT man will never make you cry."
Since I couldn't go anywhere during my recovery, he came to my house and we'd sit by the pool, talking for hours. Then we'd have dinner with my mom and she was 'very' impressed when he got up to wash the dishes. LOL! After dinner, we'd play cards and over the last couple months, she's really gotten to like him. I'm sure the feeling is mutual. She's impressed with how he doesn't seem to mind (much) that I have a disability. What impresses 'me' is his willingness to be with me during my surgery/recovery...and that he accepts me as I am - wheelchair and all.

On March 18th, he came over and while I was getting ready to go out for the 1st time in months, he knelt down and said, "I want us to be exclusive." I smiled and replied, "I'd like that." I had hoped he'd eventually feel that way but I didn't think it would happen so soon! We went to a botanical garden and had a wonderful day - we were both very relaxed and happy. I think it's because we finally knew that we had something more than friendship.

I'm In You
Peter Frampton

I don’t care where I go when I’m with you
When I cry you don’t laugh 'cause you know me

I’m in you - You’re in me
You gave me the love, the love that I never had

You and I don’t pretend, we make love
I can’t feel anymore than I’m singing

I’m in you - You’re in me
You gave me the love, the love that I never had

Come so far when you think - you think back
You can’t buy what we made, you and I

I’m in you - You’re in me
You gave me the love, the love that I never had
I had told him if he ever said he loves me, I probably wouldn't believe him. He replied, "I won't tell you until I 'know' you'd believe me." Well, after several weeks of being exclusive, he 'did' say those 3 little words. I hesitated because saying it would've made it REAL. After several minutes of thinking it over, I said, "I'm not sure." He replied, "I'm not Bill." It took me awhile to realize that I 'did' love him and being afraid to say so was selfish. So I did!

"Life is not measured by the breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away."
What I feel for Wayne is very different from what I felt for Bill. I was flattered beyond belief by what Bill was telling me and I let that cloud my judgement. I thought, 'He's the only man who's ever wanted me so he *must* be The One'. I thought no one else would be interested because of my disability...but I know better now.

"No one who truly loves you will focus on your disability,
they will be focusing on your heart."

On June 30th, Wayne came over and after a while, asked, "Have you noticed that I've been pulling away lately?" I replied, "Yes." He admitted his feelings for me had been changing over the last couple weeks. I 'was' a little surprised but I 'had' to admit that our relationship wasn't ideal.

We talked in my room for several hours then, deciding to take a break, we went to a restaurant for dinner. I was sad because suddenly we were feeling awkward with each other which was a first for us. Before he left that night, he decided that he needed time on his own. He said, "I wasn't sure I would be able to talk to you about this." I replied, "Wayne, you can always talk to me."

He called me on July 3rd and we talked for 3 hours, trying to sort out our feelings. He eventually said, "I think it's best that we break up." I had also been thinking about our relationship while we were apart and agreed. I realized that I hadn't been feeling very satisfied either. We came to the conclusion that, even though we love each other VERY much, we aren't 'in love'.

We have some differences that neither of us are willing to compromise on enough to satisfy each other. We're both VERY sensitive people and every couple months, an issue would come up that we'd end up disagreeing over. We'd attempt to deal with it and find a solution while trying not to hurt each other's feelings - which wasn't always easy.

'To do Good is my Religion and Love is my God.'

A week after our break-up, I was going away for a family reunion. The day before I left, I messaged Wayne to call me. I still don't really know why. He 'did' call and said, "Have a good time and call me when you get home." We talked for another couple minutes and before he hung up, he said, "You are going to get the biggest hug when you get back." It was then that I knew everything was going to be OK.

I went on my vacation and had a GREAT time - which included celebrating my 36th B-day. My extended family knew I had been seeing someone and I had to tell them we recently broke up. I said it was a mutual decision and we were still friends. I arrived home on July 16th and saw Wayne online later that night. He asked if he could call me and (of course) I said, "Yes." The 1st thing he said was, "I missed you." We talked until 2 a.m. and decided to get together the next day.

He came over and we gave each other the BIGGEST (and BEST) hug we've ever exchanged - and we loved it! We've 'always' enjoyed our hugs. I'm glad that hasn't changed! My mom was shocked to see him here but she welcomed him with open arms too. I didn't go into detail with her about the problems we'd had. So I'm sure seeing him again after only 3 weeks was surprising, to say the least.

From that day on, it seemed like we were starting over as (already) good friends. We had many more serious talks and agreed that we didn't have a future together as a couple. But, we 'really' liked each other and didn't see any reason why we couldn't remain friends. As a matter of fact, Wayne occasionally teases, "We had the best break-up ever...we're 'still' together!" LOL!

In the early morning hours of August 13th, we went up to the mountains to watch a meteor shower. We took food and drink, he brought a beach chair and we found a secluded spot. We sat, watched for meteors, talked and held hands occassionally until 5 a.m. It takes a little getting used to the change in our relationship but I think we're managing. That night everything felt SO familiar - yet different.

The difference is that the pressure was off to please each other. Or to try to change the other person to please ourselves. We ICQ each other almost every day, call each other every few days and he comes over several times a month. We've resumed our day trips, card games and walks. My mom even recently asked, "Are you two back together?" LOL! I told her we are just 'really' good friends - and that's the truth!


It's March 20th, 2001 and life is GOOD! Wayne and I have come a long way together in our relationship 'and' in our understanding of each other. We've had a lot of (sometimes difficult) talks but I can honestly say that we're best friends now.

A Best Friend
A Best Friend is there for you through thick and thin.

A Best Friend is good to talk to, even when you both have nothing to say.

A Best Friend knows your mind and your heart.

A Best Friend is your shield of protection when you are afraid.

A Best Friend laughs at your jokes even when they are corny.

A Best Friend can make you smile even at your worst times.

A Best Friend gets on your nerves and gets you angry, but in the end sincerely apologizes to prove that your friendship can pass obstacles.

A Best Friend is a person that you love and loves you in return.

A Best Friend is the person who you miss talking to right after you hang up the phone.

A Best Friend is all these things and more, anything you want them to be, anything that makes you happy.

He spent New Year's Eve 2001 with me and my family - which was 'really' fun. It was also nice bringing the New Year in with him because I got to kiss someone (at midnight) other than a family member. LOL! I always seem to get a feeling of melancholy thinking about the past but with Wayne there, it wasn't so bad this year.

I needed to have a revision of last February's surgery and I wasn't sure how long my recovery would take. So we made a trip to the mountains and we went from rain to snow. I've been in snow before but I've never driven in it. We had chains with us and were able to get to the top where we were the only people in a large parking lot. It was SO peaceful and pretty!

I went into the hospital on Feb. 1st and this time my stay in the hospital and my recovery was a 'piece of cake'. LOL! Wayne unexpectly (a 'great' surprise) came to visit the day after surgery and I think he was a little surprised as well. I was sitting up in my wheelchair. We had a great time playing cards with my mom. He visited a couple more times and even asked a nurse to show us how to raise the bed so I could see the view. THAT was fun!

He saw how much better I felt this time around and was really happy for me. Even 2 nurses who had me as a patient last year gave me hugs the day I left. I think they realized that the brat they'd had to deal with wasn't the 'real' me. It was less than a month before I began feeling like my old self again. Last year, I don't think I ever 'did' feel this good...and things are only getting better.

The Best Things In Life:

Laughing so hard your face hurts.
A special glance.
Lying in bed listening to the rain.
A good, thought-provoking conversation.
The beach.
The mountains.
The sunset.
Midnight phone calls that last for hours.
Having someone tell you that you're special.
Laughing at an inside joke that only two can share.
Waking up and realising you still have a few hours left to sleep.
Having someone play with your hair.
Watching a good movie cuddled up with a special someone.
Seeing smiles and hearing laughter from the one you love.
Holding hands.
Discovering that love is unconditional.
Giggling for no other reason than it feels good.
Hugging someone upon their arrival and before their departure.
Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a present from you.
Getting out of bed every morning and being thankful for another beautiful day.
Knowing you're loved.
In early March, we went on a spur-of-the-moment trip (aren't those the best kind?) to the beach so I could feed the birds. It was Awesome! Take a look at the picture on my 'Pictures' page. I couldn't have done it without Wayne's help and encouragement. We had a really good time...but we 'always' do.

In mid-March, my mom took my car to a family wedding so I was without transportation for the weekend. Wayne had a party to go to Saturday night but he called that morning to see how I was doing. He called several more times during the day which made me feel good. Then he called 'during' the party and we got to laughing so hard, I had tears running down my face. LOL!

I got a call later that night and it was Wayne telling me that he was outside. I was VERY surprised (and SO happy) to see him. After I let him in, he hugged me, saying, "I missed you at the party." That was SO nice to hear!

Friendship and Love

Friendship is a quiet walk in the park with the one you trust.
Love is feeling as if you are the only two people in the park.

Friendship is someone gazing into your eyes and knowing he or she cares.
Love is someone gazing into your eyes, and it warms your heart.

Friendship is being close even when you are far apart.
Love is still feeling his or her hand on yours when you are far apart.

Friendship is hoping that he or she experiences the very best.
Love is bringing him or her the very best.

Friendship occupies your mind.
Love occupies your soul.

Friendship is knowing that you will always try to be there when needed.
Love is giving up everything to be at his or her side.

Friendship is a warm smile in the winter.
Love is a warming touch that sends a pulse through your heart.

Friendship can survive without love.
Love cannot live without friendship.
Wayne and I have a 'great' friendship as the core of our relationship. But we also have a beautiful kind of love for each other that makes our friendship that much MORE special.


It's July 2001, and if someone had told me a year ago how things would turn out, I probably would've said, "You're cra-zy!" LOL! But life can be full of surprises and the past several months certainly have been.

Wayne and I have experienced a LOT of changes (separately and together) and our relationship continues to evolve. I've opened myself up to learning about the Bible. I'll never be a 'religious' person but it's interesting, to say the least. Wayne's going through a lot of personal changes too. I'm doing my best to support/encourage him. He's always telling me how much he appreciates my efforts. It's SO nice to hear that after everything we've been through.

We still have our differences but we're learning to accept them - not for ourselves but for each other. We truly think of each other as our best friend. It's 'wonderful' to have someone in my life who knows me as well as he does and I'm sure he feels the same way.

'The fate of love is that it is either too much or too little.'
I think we started a relationship without 'really' finding out whether we could see a future together. You ask someone how they knew the person they were marrying/married to was the 'right' one. Their response is usually, "I just knew". Well, I think we knew our differences were too big - even though we 'really' wanted to try and make it work.

Neither one of us wants to change our lives enough to make a long-term romantic partnership a reality. But being together right now, as best friends, is worth the sadness I'll eventually feel when we both someday find the 'right' person to love. But, he's still VERY much a part of my life. A while ago, he even said, "I think we had the best break-up ever. We're still together!" I told him, "I'd rather have you in my life as a friend than not in my life at all."

In November, Wayne and I decided that we needed to start detaching ourselves emotionally from each other. We've been very busy in our individual pursuits lately and that helps a lot. He doesn't come over every week and we don't need to ICQ or talk on the phone every day like we used to.

'If you love someone
you should hold them very loosely
with open hands
always prepared to let them go.'
He was out of town for a few weeks in late December and I thought we wouldn't communicate because of our 'emotional detachment' agreement. But not long after he left, he messaged me on ICQ, asking me to authorize him. We messaged almost every night til he returned. I called him 1 night, while he was still away, and kiddingly asked, "I thought we were supposed to be detaching ourselves? It's not wor-king!" and we burst out laughing. We've always been able to make each other laugh.

In April 2002, I realized that things 'had' changed between Wayne and I over the past couple months. Our different outlooks on life and individual pursuits hinder us from talking much. We will ALWAYS have a special place in each other's heart and VERY fond memories of our time together. But life (for both of us) has moved on.

'I wanted a perfect ending...now I've learned that poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next'.

I saw Wayne a few times over the summer due to work he did for my mom and brother. In June, he talked about a woman he'd met. In July, I heard he'd gotten married. I saw him last in mid-August. We visited for a while then he had to leave. As he hugged my mom 'goodbye', she said, "Don't be a stranger" and he looked surprised. So was I. I don't expect to see him again.

He seemed to be happy and that made 'me' happy. I care about him as a person and he deserves happiness (as I do). Talking to him again 'seemed' like old times but I felt differently about him. It was like seeing an old friend after being apart for a long time. It was a nice visit and a good way for our relationship to come to a close.

"We take different paths in life
but no matter where we go
we take a little of each other with us."

FRIENDS
To My Friends Who Are SINGLE:

Love is like a butterfly. The more you chase it, the more it eludes you. But if you just let it fly, it will come to you when you least expect it.

Love can make you happy but often it hurts, but love's only special when you give it to someone who is really worth it. So take your time and choose the best.

To My Friends Who Are NOT SO SINGLE:

Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person". It's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

To My Friends Who Are PLAYBOY/GIRL TYPE:

Never say "I love you" if you don't care.

Never talk about feelings if they aren't there.

Never touch a life if you mean to break a heart.

Never look a person in the eye when all you do is lie. The cruelest thing you can do is to let them fall in love when you don't intend to catch them when they fall.

To My Friends Who Are MARRIED:

Love is not about "it's your fault" but "I'm sorry",
Not "where are you" but "I'm right here",
Not "how could you" but "I understand",
Not "I wish you were" but "I'm thankful you are"

To My Friends Who Are ENGAGED:

The true measure of compatibility is not the years spent together but how good you are for each other.

To My Friends Who Are HEARTBROKEN:

Heartbreaks last as long as you want and cut as deep as you allow them to go. The challenge is not how to survive heartbreaks but to learn from them.

To My Friends Who Are NAIVE:

How to be in love:

Fall but don't stumble,
Be consistent but not too persistent,
Share and never be unfair,
Understand and try not to demand,
And get hurt but never keep the pain.

To My Friends Who Are POSSESSIVE:

It breaks your heart to see the one you love happy with someone else but it's even more painful to know that the one you love is unhappy with you.

To My Friends Who Are AFRAID TO CONFESS:

Love hurts when you break up with someone. It hurts even more when someone breaks up with you. But love hurts the most when the person you love has no idea how you feel.

To My Friends Who Are STILL HOLDING ON:

A sad thing about life is when you meet someone and fall in love only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and that you have wasted years on someone who wasn't what you need to be happy. If that person isn't worth it now he/she isn't going to be worth it a year or 10 years from now. Let go.

TO ALL MY FRIENDS...
My wish for you is a man/women who's love is honest, strong, mature, never-changing, uplifting, protective, encouraging, rewarding and unselfish.

Thanks for stopping by. I hope you had an enjoyable stay. Please bookmark my site! It will be updated as my 'luv life' progresses.

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Take care, JJ