I never believed there was such a Demon, boy was I wrong I thought I was happy, two failed marriages, isolation in out back, been a loner, lots of time, bad time with a Thailand chick, involved ASIO, my kids and there problems, greed on my part. Harassed fifteen years, where I tried to keep a nice home, but ass holes kept giving me grief that I thought I could handle, these are factors they say started back from childhood.

I thought I had a wonderful upbringing, its already on this site, just click on my photo.

Some I agree some I don't, ok I had my 1985 GSXR 750F Datsun 120Y Coupe (don't laugh) a home all set up well as a single guy.

Little things started happening, such as sweating hands feet tail bone, sharp sounds got me jumpy, over exercising, eating to much same foods, rapid weight loss.

Now the big one, did some fast walks over town approx twenty kilometers all up for that day, that evening, sat in my chair waiting for my dinner to cool, bang like a shot from a gun, this strange felling shot up through my body like 240 volts. I knew this feeling as it happened many years ago when it was raining wife and I on motorcycle trip to top of Queensland, I touched light globe prongs in rain whack it sat me down. I could not see it to not touch it, after this shock in my chair, I could not balance, my voice slurred, massive sweats, bad reflux, I went had shower with a lot of difficulty balancing Got to bed, went three weeks with no sleep, YES, NO SLEEP.

Doctors, tried sleeping pills, but modern ones no effect, even with doubling the dose, until serapax and mogadon worked, in one month with about three to four hours sleep, this failed nearing a month, went to doctors who could do little, they where baffled.

Now I went to see a shrink he diagnosed me with major depression and insomnia, he prescribed me four different lots pills. Ok Louvox, after two pills I got the best erection anyone could wish for, but did not know why as I was not even thinking of sex, far from it. Well I thought this is ok until I couldn't pee for three days.

So into hospital with catheter, this made my world fall apart even quicker, ok water works working, I saw the same shrink, who ran scared with side effects I had, he then said I've not got depression so he can't help me, in other words he turned his back on me.

At this point I was rapidly loosing weight, kept going up to the hospital for help, they said there's nothing more they can do for me until I go insane, which was very close. NO SLEEP took me down to bottom of the pit, no wonder it's used as form of torture.

At this point I had a woman, who claimed to b a friend, calling me on phone all times saying do I want to die, I said yes this is hell its self, also she said no one would want me as I am, most up lifting support I must say. There's issues with this person that are not quite what they seem.

Also I have a sixteen year long friend called Hon, great mate, but as I was now loosing all control to point of not wanting to eat drink wash or go outside, I was shit scared to be seen as I've always been proud of who I was, I had lost the old me, I thought things like my best friends where trying poison me.

I was under seven stone in weight now, used to be around eleven. I was crying at drop of a pin, I knew I had to have help so I called my Brother Gary and parents to come get me, or I knew I'd die for sure. My Parents drew $1000 to give to my Brother to come get me, this he and his wife Tracey did.

They all tried to get me to put my gear in storage but I said it would be right, I thought I wouldn't be away long.

I left my home car, bike, everything except a back pack that I couldn't even pack, I was that far gone, so Gary packed it for me. I also had enough fight in me to take my duck, dog, and bird with me on the 1600km trip, or they'd die fast. My brother took me to say goodbye to my son Keith, and daughter Kylie. I'd seen my young son Andrew and 2nd ex wife Michelle earlier, upon saying goodbye to my daughter and granddaughter, she fell apart, as Dad was going so far, it hurt them all badly.

On trip to Longreach, I'd not spoken a word, things hit me like seeing a road sign saying dad how far now, this took me even lower. I made an half attempt to open rear door and throw my self under the car, Tracey intervened, I wanted so badly to find the strength to die.

Upon reaching Longreach I saw a frail mum and dad, they had no understanding of what was happening to me, NOONE DID, I got on the bed and lay there nine months before starting to live again.

Parents did all they could to a point of not understanding this, some things they did such as not letting me talk to my kids, lying, saying I was good or not there and so on.

I saw a Dr Richard Zimmerman, who flew there each month, he said he'd not give up on me, he kept his word, after nine months of 150mg of Dothep, and seeing a councilor, Natalie, and having a big verbal fight with my mum, I started to feel a difference.

Getting ahead of my self here, ok every 2nd Thursday I'd plan a way to die, as this is when parents went shopping, I used sit some times under a tree where I planed to hang myself, found the rope weakly climbed the tree did not have guts to do it.

Next attempt was at brothers home he has guns, as he's a roo shooter, I knew where he left the gun and loaded ammo, I got it stuck it in my mouth shaking like all hell to the point of dropping on ground, this was my point of DIE or GIVE IT ALL I GOT TO LIVE, it had to be one or the other, as this is like a living hell, of little to no sleep, my sides of head were bald from twisting and turning in bed not sleeping at all, so your head felt like it would explode and nine months of this self destructing was unbearable I can tell you.

Another point of wanting die was when my young ex wife Shelly drove 1600 km to let herself and Andrew my Son, and her mum Sue see me as they believed I'd never return to Grafton my home. They stayed a week, took me places, I fought as best I could to appear happy for my Son. Upon their leaving me for the last time, it was dusk, they drove me back to my parents, Andrew was crying as he thought Dad was not going to be seen again. As they drove off, from the face of dusk, tears flowed freely I couldn't stop them, now more than ever I wanted to die.

I needed affection and understanding I was getting little to none of this.

When parents had day sleep I'd walk around kitchen table non-stop for two hours I was in a mad circle, my muscles were non existent, like walking on the moon I'd say.

I wouldn't bathe for a week, and when I did, it took me an hour, every thing is so slowed down, I went from a super human to big pile of shit so to speak, this is not me, I believed I died.

There's so much to this, I could go on for hours. Ok upon starting to take interest in little things, it started to climb rapidly, so I got back to walking, eating, talking etc, now as I was climbing reality was hitting home, I had NO home or car or bike. All my gear was everywhere, some stored by daughter, some by my two ex wives, one of the ex's laid claim to my gear and had wrote me off for dead, boy were they wrong, I came back to Grafton to rebuild my life as shattered as it was.

I bought a bus ticket to Grafton knowing I had nothing in place, I met a wonderful mate from younger years Jeff, who has been down same road as I, he took me in for three months, spoilt me rotten with kindness and a form of love, fed me well, he knows I love food normally. Ok I was getting bits of my gear back over this time, I'd lost a lot but still had a lot, its my nature they call it OCD traits, but I like who I am now I feel reborn.

I got a good shed to live in out of town, which is important to me, peace quite.

I'm not over this fight yet, I don't think I ever will be.

But this has taught me, NEVER TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED NO MATTER WHAT IT MAY BE.

Simple things like brushing teeth, toilet, shower, eating, live life to the max, because if you take the time to walk among the dead in a graveyard and see where some people have only lived 3 hours, 3 days and so on. We are gifted with a life, and it's PRICELESS.

I now still suffer short sleeps around four hours, different noises make me uneasy, I sweat between shoulders when ticked off, I have flash backs each day of wanting to die I have to fight this with good thoughts, I'm a bit forgetful, due to proper sleep I'd say. I NOW WANT TO LIVE SO MUCH, I hope the man above or below takes back about me wanting to die.

1. You must have a goal, small as it is start somewhere, climb slow but keep climbing.

2. Make friends, take time to talk and to smell the flowers.

3. Don't stress, it's useless to do so trust me, I know.

4. Be kind to all worlds creatures and people, they deserve that kindness.

5. Keep taking your meds.

6. Eat well, a mixed diet is best.

7. Keep your self well groomed.

8. Admit to your sins, say sorry it will help you stay around longer.

9. LIFE IS TO LOVE THE WORLD SO IT WILL LOVE YOU BACK.

10. I NOW WANT TO LIVE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE WHILE IN GOOD HEALTH.

12.I believe KARMA got me for my GREED of things and machines.

13. This is a bad number, avoid it ??

14. ABOUT ME, I believe I'll be ok provided I'm left alone to go my own pace, which is pretty fast if on my GIXXER (GSXR750), allowed to be how it best suits me, not harming anyone else, and be just me, only now I'm a much nicer person, it took me fifty years to achieve this change for the better.

15. I'm at the moment putting myself first, getting things how I want them to maintain my new happiness (After this point is reached I'll be thinking a lot more of others).

Yours sincerely PETER PERKINS +61407431222

My Thanks to

Parents you did your best that you know I love you dad and mum.

Brother and wife as above Love you pair too.

Shelly, Andrew, Sue, much appreciated the time you took to see me at deaths door, THANK you ALL

Daughter Kylie, you're one special loving daughter, love you very much.

Son Keith I now understand your pain, I'm sorry I didn't before, LOVE YOU TOO Dearly.

JOHN Good Mate Love you to you big Bastard XOX.

Smoo??? XOX.

Jeff Essex you're a wonderful man, HUGSSSSS, love you too, it's ok don't freak out its only a word

Dr R Zimmerman, HUGSSssss.

Natalie, Anglicare, XOX HUGSsssssss.

My little dog Tuley who stayed at my side all that time and she was dying from belly cancer, if there's a God he should love that little might, Love you dearly XOXOXxxxxx, in my thoughts every day till death

I'll share this with the world, don't care what you may think of me I'M PROUD OF ME AND MOST MY LIFE.

This is my wording, spelling corrected by a good friend John, I may update some bits I've missed at a later date

If there's a God may he bless all that deserve to be, there's a few.