Thought's of the day

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Okay, you found my part of my webpage that I use for my personal diary.  Consisting of late night thoughts of the good times and bad times of my life growing up the past several years of my life.  Reaching deep inside ones self can reveal some intense emotions that most people never know about someone.  These are the thoughts of my life growing up.  Maybe you will to relate to some of it.

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So now I sit here in silence in the dark thinking in.  Wondering why I am even put here on this earth.  Am I destined to do something or be somebody?  Why does everything in life have to be such a mystery?  So many people and religions try to persuade me on how to live my life and what to fallow.  I don’t think you’ll ever know what to believe until you actually die.  How can someone tell me how to live my life when they don’t know themselves either?  The only reason they believe what they believe is because they were taught that when they young and so on.  The only thing I can believe and feel about life is that I am suppose to give my life to someone.  To share everything about me with that person.  Because money doesn’t bring happiness.  Love is the only thing that brings happiness.  Love can make life worth living.  Love is the only reason worth living.  I don’t think you should let anything get in the way of your love for someone.   A lot of the reasons why relationships don’t work out is because of money and I think that is very horrible.  Money should never become a deciding factor in a relationship.  When you love someone, money doesn’t matter.  Money can only pay for bills.  That’s all it should be used for.  It should never keep people apart.

I think its time to give in to my depression.  I just dont have too much to hold onto anymore.  I have always givin my heart in this world only to have it handed back to me in pieces.  Everyone I know has killed me inside someway.  I am bleeding inside so bad and I cant bear it anylonger.  I can feel it inside.  I can feel my throat swelling and my chest caving in.  The pain is getting the best of me and I want to give up.  If I could die tonight peacefully and quietly I could end this pain.  To die in my sleep would end the pain without pain.  I have watched fairy tales and stories about love and how great it can be and how it changes your life so great.  All that shit has done for me is tear me to pieces.  I cant even explain it in words.  All I can say is that I bleed...I am torn.. and I am broken.  My mind is shattered and my will is gone.  If that right person were ever to come around I cant give them what I really want becuase of my scars and wounds.  The wounds deep inside me that feel as if they will never heal.  Everything in my life is going wrong for me and I have never had any real family my whole life.  I have been looking out for myself ever since I was 13 years old.  All I can do now is hope that  god can heal me and help me because I can do this alone.  My body is going cold and numb but I wish it would hurry and get to my heart so I cant feel it anymore.  God please take me away from here and take me to a better place full of love becuase thats all I want in this life is love.  I dont care about money anymore, I dont care about the things I have, all I want is to feel love and give love.  This is my confession to you tonight that im a screw up.  I havent made the best decisions in life and I know I have givin it my all.  But why do you put me on this world to feel all this hurt?  Its hurting me inside and out.  I cant believe I am drowning in my own love.  My own love is killing me.  Its drowning me.  Its taking me in.  I am spilling my soul out right now with my tears running constantly down my face.  These tears must have came from my heart becuse my eyes dont hurt.  Please love me...please help me through this.  Or I will not make it much longer.  Please make me strong. Please send me an angel that will help me and bring back my spirits.  I have to pray this way to you becuase its the only way I can.  Please love me and take me and my heart and love.  I will give it all to you becuase you are the only true one.  I know now that I must suffer through this now and there is nothing that can be done becuase the tears are still comming out of my eyes.  I feel as if I am cursed tonight.  or cursed my whole life.  All I can do now is cry.  This is the worst I have ever felt. The pain is swallowing me whole and killiing me slowly.  I dont think I want to live anymore in this world.  Its just too hard for me, too unbearable, too unfair to me.  Sometimes I wish my love would run out and wouldnt have to feel it again but it just keeps flowing out of me cutting me like razors on the way out.  I just ask you god to please take me now.  take me in and let me feel your warm embrace.  Take me away from this cruel world and heal my heart.  I cant bear this anymore.  A part of me is dying everyday and I am wishing it would hurry so I can skip the pain. Please take me away from here and take me to that better place.  These tears Ive cried should be more than an invatation for you to take me.  I just wish I had to the guts to do it myself but I cant. God, please send me an angel.  Please make her be in everyway I have always imagined.  Make her be everything I have ever wanted.  Please send her to me.  And I will forever thank you.  Becuase you are my father and my creator.  And you are the only one who heal my sickness.  Please take me home.

When I was young I remembered, I used to think about love, and what it was, and what powers it held.  I often wondered about many things, but love was one of the things I wanted to both feel and understand.  I know there are many kinds of love, like the love a parent has for their children and all.  The love  you have for a family member and friends.  But the love I wanted to understand more was the love of one man to a woman / /woman to a man.  That always fascinated me becuase I was always told when you meet the right person, you will fall in love and she will make you very happy..  I always wanted to know what was making someone happy?  Was it giving her things?  Was it doing thinkg for her?  Was it being nice to her?  Was it buying things for her?  Or you had to have a lot of money for someone to love you?  But as I grew older I realized that love was not about giving, but about feeling this great feeling that makes you feel as if nothing in this world could go wrong. Love is supposed to be many things combined.  To me from what I have learned in my life, love means it can be done, it mean you can do it.  It means you can tell that person anything in this world with a great deal of trust.  It means that when she is sick you will have to do whatever it takes to make her well again.  It means finding out things about each other that helps one anohter understand thier wants and needs.  It means that you must speak with your heart when angry and not with your mouth of hurt.  It means you must never lose respect for you mate in any given situation.  When two poeple have respect for each other many times problems can be resoved fast.  Wehn you love someone you must do whatever it takes to keep the communincations between one another. You must be willing to change your bitter ways if you must, to keep this person by your side.  There are many things one must learn about love.  Love is about reminding that person how much she means to you in this world.  We only live once and we must accomplish many tasks in life  We Never can concquer love for it is not about a day nor a week nor a year, but is is a learning of a lifetime. When I was young I thought I found love.  She Kissed me on the lips and told me she loved me.  Boy was I wrong.  To me I always thought that true love was found at any age. I was wrong again.  To me, true love begins when you hve both the mind and responibly to love yourself first.  To me you can learn about love by loveing yourself first.  You would learn to understand the importance of feeling happy.  Feeling as if you are an imparotant part of this world.  For love is something we learn to feel though the way we feel about ones self.  When we feel happy we have a way of being kinder and nicer to everyone around us.  When we feel sad we have a way of showing our emotional hurt and expressions to let others know this is not a good feeling.  When we are angry we only show the world we cannot control our temper and have no respect for anyone, and not to het him or her feeling that way.  To me one must always think first before speaking words of hatred.           I have made many mistakes in this area.  I was the type that would make someone feel the hurt they made me feel.         Take it from being a pro at this, Never start doing things as if you made me feel like this and now your going to get it.           When you act like that,        all you are doing is saying things you dont mean only to upset and hurt the other.                       But a wiseman once said there are two things you cant take back,          a tombstone and spoken words.      He was very wise for that is something I should have learned whe I was younger.       Love means alot of those beautiful things but the million dollar question is are we doing all of the above?         Can you honestly say yes I am in love and yes i do what ever it takes for my mate? I have made many mistakes in my life as well as I have not found this true love yet.  I have found myself in many one sided relationships.  I have been the one to always try to communicate and be understanding and be there when they needed me.  Maybe it was my entire fault or who knows.?  But when I evalutate how things happend in my life I get confused beacuase I was loving and not loved.  So in conclusion to this love quest I am still looking for this true love.  I would do anything to find true love.  From what I hear many people tell me they are loved and life is good.  But lonelyness is not a good thing.  Nothing like having someone there with you when you are sick and feeling down.  Nothing like haveing someone there to  share the good things that you have accomplished in your day to day life.  But the most important is?  Not having someone to share the love you feel inside your heart.  Both having someone to see in the mornings when you wake up to a new life.  Someone to see before you lay to sleep.  I hope one day I can find a woman who feels the way I feel about true love.  I hope to find someone who can love me as much as I would like to show her the love I have inside.  I hope I meet that love of mine that inspires me to write about my love in writing and doesnt even know it.

Somtimes I wonder if there is such a thing as a soulmate.  Somtimes I think so and somtimes i just dont know.  I think life is 50/50...I think that half of the things that happen to you in life are just be accident or by luck.  The other half you control and if your arent controlling the other half of your life...you better be really lucky.  I think its so facinating that one little thing in life that you can do can change the rest of your life.  For instance,  when I was a little boy about 12, my house was broken into and I was the only one there.  I remember looking out my bedroom door and looking down the hallway and noticing that the front door was wide open.  I hid behind my door and I heard him running down my hallway and praying that he wouldnt come into my bedroom.  I hear him going through my moms jewelry box and then he ran back out the front door....I stood there petrified and scared.  Then I closed my door and got underneith my bed and as soon as I got my leg under he threw open the door and yanked my little boom box out from the wall socket.  All I remember was that when I saw him run down the hallway in his addidas jumpsuit with my radio in one and and a gun in his other hand.  For about 4 or 5 years after that I was so scared to be alone at night.  Every little sound I heard freaked me out. Just the little things in life can change the outcome of your entire life forever.  Getting somwhere too early or too late changes you whole life...Have you ever noticed these things?

One thing that scares me is falling in love with someone.  The last time I did that I felt like I would do anything for that person.  I felt that persons life was more important that even mine!  I felt like I would do anything for that person no matter what.  The bad thing was is that I cared more for her than she did for me which meant I was giving more in the relationship than she was which I really didnt mind but I didnt think it would backfire on me so bad.   I think im afraid to ever love anyone anymore becuase im so afraid of being hurt again.  I think that is the worst pain Ive ever felt in my life.  Its even hard for me to even date sometimes.  Ive dated a couple really nice girls before but the ones that were really nice to me didnt really seem to have the things that I wanted such as living to far away or if I did like them I knew they wouldnt really be all that interested in the way I feel.  If I found a person that everything I wanted and liked me as much as I liked her I dont know what I would do.  I am such an emotional guy that It seems to effect me more than most guys.  If you couldnt tell, Im not big into that macho guy thing...I dont really care who's ass I can kick or how tuff I am and all that bullshit.  I was raised by my mother and was taught that letting your emotions out was a good thing.  Ya know..somtimes i almost wish I could be a cold hearted asshole like most guys out there then maybe I wouldnt feel so much pain about things like this...but i cant do that.  Im just too nice of a guy for that and I cant change that about me.  I think Im going to put a poem section on here of poems that Ive written.  I play the guitar and sing and I have some songs that Ive wriiten and would like to put them on here for the whole world to see.  Not that anyone really even looks at this but me.  This just helps me vent out my feelings and lets me know whats really going on in my head.  I would like to be able to put the actual songs on here to be downloaded but I havent gotten that far yet. Im not very close to my family at all.  I have 2 younger sisters and a younger brother.  On my dad's side and I have a little brother and sister and on my moms side I have a little sister.  I dont think Ive talked to my dad in years now.  Allthough I love my dad so much, I cant call my dad becuase I want to be able to call him and tell him that Im successful and make him proud.  Allthough I think im pretty successful now I still cant seem to call him.  I feel so sorry for my dad because he lives in a little town in Oklahoma and doesnt make very much money...compared to me i guess...but he goes to church and doesnt have the luxuries that Ive had.  He doesnt even know what I do or what Ive done.  He would probably freak out if I told him that I drive a Corvette.  Im sure hes never even been in one.  And my mom had a good job but turned into an alcoholic and lost her job when i was about 16 and I couldnt take it anymore so i moved out at about 17 or 18.  Ive had to take care of myself for quite a while now.  I guess thats why Im doing good because  I havent goofed off most of my life like most people do.  I have been taking care of my business and my life so I could be secure for the future to come.  I plan on being successful the rest of my life there is just no other way to be.  I believe it so strongly that I think thats just the only way I can think.  I want to be able to have a family someday and be able to provide for my family so they wont have to struggle like I did when I was a kid like having the water or gas shut off at times.  I am just a strong believer in the saying.." you get out of life what you put into it".  Its really true.  And if anybody tells you different...dont believe them because they obviously arent successful and probably will never be.  Youve got to believe in yourself and believe the capabilites that you have inside you.  Becauase it all starts with what you "believe" you can do.  I swear to you that you can be successful if you really want to.  Just believe that you can do it.  It doesnt happen overnight it takes littles steps everyday to reach a goal.  Make your goals short term and long term.  Im sure youve made goals before and have met them and felt how good if felt to reach it.  You just need to do that with everything in your life.  Believe in yourself.

Well here I am again today sitting here in front of this screen just like you and thinking about everything at once.  I dont have anything in particular that I want to write about so Im just going to type the first thing that comes to mind.  Today I bought a new planner that has every day broken down in 15 minutes like 7:00 then 7:15 then 7:30 which is somting I really need for my job becuase I have so many appointments that I need more space to write them in.  Man I get so lonely at night somtimes.  I really dont go to clubs or parties just because I dont do drugs and I hardly even drink.  I have to be in the mood to drink because I normally dont really care for the taste. I want you to hear a song that explains the way I feel at times. You in the dark, you in the pain, you on the run Living a hell, living your ghost                                        Living your end... Never seem to get in the place that I belong        dont wanna lose the time                                 l o s e  t h e  t i m e  t o  c o m e Whatever you say its alright, whatever you do...its all good.                                                               Whatever you say its ... A l l r i g h t      Silence is not the way....We need to talk about it.                                If heaven is on the way You in the sea...on a decline...breaking the waves                                 Whatching the lights go down...Letting the cables sleep Silence is not the way...We need to talk about it.                                If heaven is on the way                                                 We'll wrap the world around it                                                                  If heaven is on the way. I must say I really do love music.  It can be the most emotional influencing thing out there.  You can listen to a sad song and feel sad and think about all the bad things in life.  Somtimes you almost want to hear sad music when you are sad.  All I try to do noways is just work alot.  I find that If I work alot then I cant think about all the sad things in my life.  The one thing I know is that love can seem to be the greatest gift you can get...and it can turn completely around and kill you inside.  If you cant already tell, but I suffer from the scars of love.  I thought my life was going to be so great and happy and then the sun turned black and I fell to the ground.  The funny thing is that I dont love her anymore at all now.  Its just the feelings I went through that just amaze me.  I dont know if love is a gift or a sin.  All I know is that it creates alot of pain nowadays and it seems as if not as many people are getting into relationships as much anymore.  Everyone seems to just be dating and doing that player thing.  I think its becuase people are scared to let thier feelings out and to care for someone.  It seems that everyone has been hurt before these days and is afraid to trust someone with thier heart again.  I hope I can again someday.  All I know is that Ive always tried to treat the other person with respect, honesty, communications, and affection.  I think those are the most inportant ingredients in a relationship.

Today was such a nice day and all I did was sit inside and watch tv.  I did sit on the back porch and sat in the chair eating sunflower seeds and soaked the sun rays up.   I would like to go to the lake somtime soon and go fishing and rent  a boat somtime.  I think im going to go to Balley's and get a membership this week so I can get in shape for the summer time and look good..lol.  Gosh i get bored somtimes...Somtimes I wish that I was at work doing stuff beacuase it keeps my mind off of things and I like knowing that im making money at the same time.  I havent even been online for a while because Ive been working so much.  But I guess its all good.  Maybe I should party all the time like everyone else I know.  I dont know why i dont.  Im so busy being stuck in this adult life in a corporate job wearing a suit all day and meeting clients.  I never really got the opportunity to be a teenager and go to lots of parties and have lots of fun.  Maybe its best that I didnt becuase of all the trouble i might have gotten into.  Im  not even a big drinker either.    I have to have a craving for alcohol to really drink it.  And I dont smoke either or do drugs, talk about being boring.

Yesterday I was in my car driving most of the day yesterday and I was listening to this song and really got my mind thinking.  Sometimes its funny how a song can make you feel.  Sometimes I feel like ive got so much love bottled up inside me and certain songs make it just want to pour out.  I listten to this song and it makes me want to break down and cry.  Just the thought of feeling so much love for someone is the greatest thing in life.  I think that love is once of the most inspiring and strongest emotion you can feel.  I think that having such strong love between two people is what makes life worth living for.  Knowing that no matter how bad you feel, there is someone that will make you feel better and will love you for who you are just the way you are and not because of your financial status.  I think that emotions are the strongest things you can feel.  Words can only say so much adn do so much.  But the emotions you can have for someone can change your whole outlook on life.  This song below  are the lyrics to Eric Claptons "Wonderful Tonight" and  if you listen to it and really concentraate on the feeling you will understand what Im saying.  Im sitiing here typing this and listening to it over and over again and its inspiring me what to write.  Ive heard this song plenty of times before but it never hit me like it did when I heard it yesterday.  Im hoping to make it so you can download this song from this webpage, not that anyone  ever looks at this except for the random websurfer looking for corvette pics.    Its late in the evening Shes wondering what clothes to wear She puts on her makeup..and brushes her long blonde hair And then she asked me...Do I look allright? And I said yes...you look wonderful tonight. We go to a party Everyone turns to see This beautiful lady...is walking areound with me And then she asked me...do you feel allright? And i say yes ...I feel wonderful tonight. I feel wonderful because I see the love light in your eyes And the wonder of it all is that you just dont realize how much I love you (my favorite line) Its time to go home now And Ive got an achin head I give her the car eyes And she helps me to bed And then I tell her As I turn out the light I say my darlin.....you are wonderful tonight Oh my darlin...you are wonderful tonight Sometimes I wonder  if there is such a thing as fate.  I wonder if certain things are meant to be.  I guess Ill never know until my dying day.  Until then, I just want to make the best out of my life and share it with someone together.

I dont think that anybody ever really looks at my webpage.  It's just a way to express myself and let the feeling drain from myself.   I don't really consider myself as a writer or anything, I just like to reach deep inside and see what really keeps the fire burning.  Right now all my emotional thoughts are flowing so much that I cant even type every thought Im having right now.  I sometimes burst with feelings in my head and I try to make complete sentences on here and translate it so someone can understand me.  I think I get so emotional it scares me.  I want to share so much of what I have inside with someone that I think it will kill me if I dont.  But I dont feel this way with everyone of course,  only certain people that I start to like.  You may or may not be that kind of person...who knows.  Im just exploding my feelings at the moment and your at the recieving end of it all right now.  I also listen to certain kinds of music when Im writing becuase it just seems to make the feelings pour out of me like a a waterfall.  I dont even know why Im telling a complete stranger that could be reading this and typing all this out but I cant but let this all out when Im thinkin it because I have no one to tell it to that I could trust.  I think that sometimes my emotions are killing me and Im dying.  I dont know if what I have inside does me good or wrong.  I only feel like this at times usually at night when my mind wanders.  I sometimes wonder if love is a gift you can have or a curse.  Ive always wanted to make good out of it and make someone else happy with it but it never seems to work out that way.  I wrote a letter to a girl I once loved and poured my heart onto a few pieces of paper and fought myself not to give it to her but I had to let her know how much I burned inside for her.  Well of course she didnt want the same things I wanted in life and then she wouldnt talk to me anymore and she played the silent game with me and I knew what was going on and I got very depresssed and had everything going wrong at once.  I was heartbroken and had the flu and had some major bills to take care of so I was worried and I was in between jobs waiting to start a new one and for the first time in my life I thought that I needed medication to make me better so I took some of my friends medication called Zoloft which reconnects the neurogical nerves in your brain but all it did was make me sick.  But I got better and just focused on all the things I hated about her and all the reasons why she didnt deserve me.  Sometimes im afraid that im going to go numb inside and lose all my love and feelings and eventually be a mean person.  I hope thats not going to happen though.  Sometimes I hate the way I feel it make me get so depressed and just wanna lose it.  Well now that Ive just unloaded myself on you I wish I knew what is going through your head as you read my life. I wonder if your relating to some of this and feel strange.  I think im going to put that letter that I wrote to that girl on here so you can all see the pain and fear that I keep inside of me.   I also try to keep myself busy with work because it keeps my mind from wondering off into this state im in right now.  Just like when I liked that girl, I wasnt working at the time and I had too much free time on my hands and while I was sick and depressed all I would think about was her and it blew her up in my head more than it should have.  But I guess I learned my lesson on that one.  Im also a really funny guy and all my friends keep telling me that I should be a comedian becuase I come up with so much funny stuff and im real creative but what they dont really realize is that im really trying to bandage my wounds on the inside and keep them from seeng the pain or else I would be a wreck.  I think that alot of comedians out there are crying on the inside and just use the comedy to cope with the pain.  I dont know, I could be wrong, but thats just how I feel.

Here I am again, sitting here bleeding my thoughts out wondering what to think of it.  I take it that alot of poeple feel the same way that I do about things like this but they just dont liket to talk about it and let it out.  I think most people try to hide thier feelings they have inside becuase they are afraid of what others would think if they told them.  I think alot of people have been hurt and are afraid to let it happen again.

You can always make up for money lost You can always work again But the time can never be made up The time you just spent reading this is gone forever So chose your time wisely before its gone Because the love between two people can last forever.   I wish I could be one of your tear drops...for what more could anyone want then to be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes and live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

They say that, " it is better to love and lost than to have never loved at all",  Bullshit.  How would you know that it would be better to love and then lost if youve never loved at all and how can you tell me that it isnt better to not love at all.  Sometimes I hate having to feel emotions.  Sometimes I really hate music because it can bring out the feelings deep inside that I try to hide.  I hate movies sometimes because they can do the same damn thing.  Have you ever wonder why is it exactly that we were put on this earth?  Why were we created?  I dont believe that underground there is a hell.  I believe we live in hell.  This is our hell.  But to make it to heaven we have to make a bridge there to get to the true happiness.  Some have a harder time getting there than others.  Some dont ever make it at all.  Thats just the trials of life.  Deal with it.  There isnt shit you can do about it but except it and make do with what you got.  I hate the fact that this world revolves around money.  If we didnt have to worry about money so much we would find out what it is that really makes us happy and find out what life really is.  Some people are gifted with certain things that make them stand out.  Some people are born rich and get to live life a little bit easier.  I have niether.  I life day to day controlling as much of my life as I can and hoping that Im doing the right things in life becuase you only life once and I dont want to be 45 years old and be sitting at the kitchen table wondering what I did with my life all of these years.  I feel like that I wished really hard for a chance to come back to this present time and re-write the future for myself.  Giving myself a second chance to get out of life what I really wanted.  I dont know. Its funny how our bodies chemestry is so complex with blood flowing in our veins and brain tissue learning things constantly that we do.  Our bodies are so complex and yet so fragile.  Once you lose an arm or some part of your body, its gone forever.  I think we take for granted what we have in life so much that we are blind.  Who knows, who cares too.  There is only so much we can do about things in this world.  Sometimes I think that you control only about 50-75% of the things that go on in your life and the other percent is either luck, fate or accident.  Hopefully its a good thing.  But some of us get stuck with the bad shit.  It feels as if life is like trying to paddle up stream in a boat sometimes.  You make thing your getting somewhere when your really drifting further and further back until you  get to the waterfall and it all ends.  Some people have a longer river to live.  Some dont.  We are not all created equal in this world and that can be good and bad.  But why does it have to be more bad than good?  Why does there have to be so many damn questions in this world that cant be answered?  I hate hearing that I should just have faith and one day my questions will be answered.  How do they know that when they dont know anymore than I do?

Why does life have to be such a mystery.  It seems the older I get the more I understand things when I was younger that happened.  But there is still so much that I dont understand.  Soemtimes I think back to when I was a little kid and remember the things I did.  Its so strange becuse it seems as if it were all a dream and none of it really happend.  I had no control over anything I did, I think Im lucky to even be here today I guess.  But sometimes I wonder where I will be in 5 years or even 10 years.  I wonder how much different I will feel.  I know alot of what will be 5 to 10 years down the road will be majorly effected by the things I do today.  I can feel that I will do well financially in the future with the things I know and the desire I have for it.  But will I be with the love of my life or will I be settling with someone just so I dont feel lonely.  People tend to grow old and feel the need for companionship for fear of dying alone.  Everday serveral people die and thier lifetime of memories will die with them and never be told again and in the same breath many new lives are created and a whole new future is awaiting them.  Have you ever noticed that when a life is created and a baby is born everyone smiles and is happy but the baby comes out crying.  Then when someone dies, everyone is sad and crying but the person that dies smiles and is happy  when they leave.  I think love can be a beautiful thing when it is treated right beacuase pain can be the worst thing you can feel.  Its funny that there are all of these songs about love and relationships.  Ever notice that there are more songs about breaking up and songs of broken hearts andunhappiness and loss versus happy songs.  Loss and Love can bring out some pretty deep emotions that you never really knew you had inside.  Sometimes you wish you never had those feelings because they start to take conrtol of you and make you do things you wouldnt normally do.  Keeping your heart and your head on track is a hard thing to do in life.  Your heart can be stuck loving someone but at the same time but in your head you know that it is the wrong thing to do and the wrong person to be with.  Your feelings for someone make it hard to make the decision you know you should make.  Its hard to make decisions like that when you go two different parts of you telling you to do different things.  But if you dont do the right thing in life youll never know what you might be missing out on.  You can miss your whole life just by making a little small decision that will affect your whole life.  It can affect your happyiness and the whole outcome of your life.  Ive been in this position before and I was too persistant to give up on it but I finally realized that I was doing myself more harm than good and then one day I just told myself that I was through with being like this and feeling like this and I am not living the life that I could have and should have.  Live life for youself and not for someone else.  If you do everything just to make everyone else happy you will end up miserable.  Unless that person does the same for you.  If two people can do the same for eachother with such a passion,  thas when life can feel so good.  I belive that there is someone special out there for everyone.  You know when you find that person because you find yourself saying things that you wouldnt normally say to someone your just like and always thinking about that person all the time.  I think I can just sit here and listen to this music and write these words down and just cry.  I dont know why.  But crying can make you feel so good and yet so bad.  Its a direct physical emotion that you can see.  Why do we do it?  Who the hell knows.

To be honest with you, I dont have the words to make you feel better, but I do have the arms to hug you, and I have the ears to listen to whatever you want to talk about and I have a heart that is aching to see you smile again.  There is nothing wrong with falling completely and utterly in love with someone as long as that someone is there to catch you when you fall.  Becuase its a hard hit that will leave you scared for life.  To the world you just may be one person, but to that person you just may be the world.  Its sad how someone can take you for granted for the things you do for them and feelings you have for them.  You have to be careful who you trust and who you love becuase the pain will follow you thoughout your life and stain your mind with memories.  Youve got to love to have life, and you got to have life to love life, its what they call a vicious cycle.  Can you feel that you relate to the things I say?  Do you carry the same emotions with you in your mind?  Is feeling emotions really worth the trouble it causes?  Sure it can be great when its good but isnt something bad always around the corner?  The heart has eyes which the brain knows nothing of.  Why does our heart have to play such an importanat role in our life?  Do we really get all our questions answered when we die?  Or do we get recycled back through this hell again?  At least be there to wipe away my tears if your gonna make me cry.  How can you live with yourself when you do this?  Youll never always remember those who touch your heart but youll always remember the ones that break it.  I must be wishing upon someone elses star because someone else is always getting what I want.

Sometimes I wonder why some people are born with more than others.  Some people are born with better looks than others, some are born with more money than others, and some are born with more talent than others.  I guess this isnt a fair world after all.  I guess this world is going to be what we make of it.  But what about the people that are born with disease or a handycap, they didnt deserve what happened let alone asked to be in this world.  It is so true that nature can be the most beautful thing in the world and yet the most cruel thing there is.  Some people are givin everything in the world and some people have to play catch up thier whole life to keep from falling behind.  Its seems the older we get the more we understand life and understand why we thought the things we did when we were younger and what things meant.  Sometime I think that this is my second chance in life and I get to make things right this time for me and the people around me and live life to its fullest. Its a shame that we all have to work for money to survive.  Some people never have to worry about money and complain about other silly things in life.  Most peoples lives are shaped around thier financial situation and how they act.  Some people will really never get to experience the world becuase they dont have the money to do it.  Most people dont seem to chase thier dreams as they say to do on tv.  We cant all be famous athletes, actors, singers, or models.  Thats just a fact of life.  But we all have a craving for money to buy new things.  I notice that some people just dont go for thier dreams becuase they dont ever think they will happen and they are comfortable with where they are in life.  It seems sometimes that chasing our dreams is very risky because they cant all come true.  Sometimes its really hard to focus on the good things in life when there are just too many bad things going on.  All we can do it hope for the best and keep trying be I know that I want to keep trying so that one day if my dreams do come true I can thank god everyday for helping me get there and even if I dont make my dreams come true at least I knew I tried my hardest to get there and that itself is rewarding.