Dan, a college student, is home for summer break. In order to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply for a part-time job at the local K-Mart.

Dan fills out the standard application and is called into the manager’s office. The manager asks Dan, “Do you think you have what it takes to work at the Big K?”

Dan laughs to himself, thinking, “Is he kidding?” But since it was an interview he responded, “Absolutely.” The Manager continued, “In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer. Do you think you’ve got those qualities?”

Again, Dan laughs to himself, “Is this guy serious?” but he says again, “Absolutely!” “Well, let me show you how it’s done,” says the manager.

The manager leads Dan to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.

The manager says, “That’s a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there.” “Yup,” responds the customer. The manager winks at Dan and says, “Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you’re putting down?”

Dan actually sees the lightbulb go off over the customer’s head. “Yeah! That’s a great idea.” The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.

“Ya see, Dan, that’s how it’s done. Ya think you can do that?” says the manager. “Hell, yeah!” says Dan, “Just watch!!” Dan steps up to the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter.

Dan looks at the box and then at the embarrassed customer, “That’s a pretty big box of tampons ya got there,” says Dan. The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, “Yup.” A moment of silence passes and then Dan blurts out, “Would you be interested in buying a new lawnmower?”

The customer looks up from his shoes and responds, “What the hell would I want a lawnmower for?” Dan winks at his manager and says, “Well, since you won’t be having sex this weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!”

A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket.
She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl.
“Nothing but the best for my little kitten. “
The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.
A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.

They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies—one for each day of Christmas.
The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.
Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.

She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady,
“That smells like crap.”

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear,
“Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper.

Thanks for this one Natalie

I have been told that this is a true story, whether or not it is,
I don't know but i do know that it is HILLARIOUS!!!

Cross my heart this happened to this guy who lives in Westchester, NY
and goes to school at Ithaca College.
For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her
at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. 
She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.
Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want  to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again.
So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom.
They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert.
During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course).
Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. 
"Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting  on this surprise.
He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or  (b)  start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. (Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.)
On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.
"Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater
that I  was looking at last week?" he asks.
"No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. 
They go into the Gap.  Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up.
Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants.
He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth
(just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants."   "What?" asks the Gap girl.
"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.)
Gap girl: "Oh, OK."
He pays for the pants and walks over to his date, then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car.  
Without sitting down, our hero excuses  himself and walks to
the bathroom in the back of the car.
He gets to the bathroom as the train departs,and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window.
After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...
just the sweater.

Thanks Natt for this GREAT joke!

You've Gotta see this one to appreciate it!
This is one that you have to see!!! ;-)





HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
AND DRIVE OTHER PEOPLE INSANE:

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice)
2. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
3. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
4. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
5. Insist that your e-mail address be ”zena-goddess-of-FIRE@companyname.com.
6. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
7. Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
8. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
9. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN”.
10. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
11. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
12. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors”.
13. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think”.
14. Practice making fax and modem noises.
15. Finish all your sentences with “in accordance with the prophecy”.
16. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
17. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
18. Ask people what sex they are.
19. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
20. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
21. Specify that your drive thru order is “to go”.
And the final way to annoy people:
Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

ROFLMAO!! Thanks Debbie and Ken for this one!



WHO ENJOYS SEX MORE?

A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc.
The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions.
The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this - When your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or your finger?"

Bonus Joke:-)

LINKS!!

The Original Funnies	LMAO Pages
Jokes, Just Jokes	The Funny Pages
The Miracle Sandwich

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