Sara Tonen's Rezoning Program
(formerly "the witness relocation program")
How many times have you...
- eaten brownies?
- told anyone what you really thought of their opinion(s)?
- worn the same outfit as your ex?
- facilitated underage drinking?
- remained seated during the national anthem?
- used your salad fork for something other than salad?
- coveted thy neighbour?
- knowingly offered erroneous directions?
- pulled the tag off of the mattress of your 'best friend?'
- encouraged pre-marital sex?
|
s p a c e |
- accidentally had intercourse with someone of the same sex?
- taught a child a string of bad words in a foreign language?
- stalked one of your stalkee's other stalkers?
- kicked an old lady with a bum hip?
- robbed a convenience store?
- repressed your incestuous desires?
- killed a guy?
- self-medicated?
- been in a rock band?
- killed your self?
|
Well, we, here at Sara Tonen's Rezoning, have too. We have committed numerous atrocities (many not listed above (see above)). In fact, a few of them have yet to be recognized by the media and/or the general populace as being atrocious, so we understand wholeheartedly and sympathize with your need to "skip town," or find a place to "lay low" until the authorities have "all but given up" on ever finding you to "make you pay" for some crime that you more likely than not committed "unintentionally."
We mean, is it your fault that the person seated next to you on the crowded bench at the bus stop shoved his elbow into your side and then accidentally fell in front of the very bus for which the two of you happened to be waiting? Of course not!
So if John Q. Harassment calls Jane Q. Lawenforcer on you, call Sara Tonen, because, as we like to say, "everyone makes mistakes.™"
But don't just take our word for it,
listen to what a few of our significantly less than dissatisfied customers have to say...
Amy Johnson
Ivan Todi
Val Rex
Yusuf Islam
The ???
Sting
relocate my rotting corpse back to the dead zone.
complaints shouldnt be sent to (but should be expected from):
badheadache@hotmail.com