I love you Mum, my guiding star.

18/12/99

Well Mum, it's nearly Christmas and god it doesn't seem like it. It is going to be so empty this year without you. You made Christmas so special for us all. The HUGE Christmas tree, house covered in lights and decorations. It's not going to be the same.

I got through your birthday ok. Who would have thought a headstone would be your birthday present? I'm sorry I couldn't come down for your birthday. I'm just not ready to. I don't know if I will ever be ready to.

Michael and Melissa's wedding is going to be hard. I know how much Michael would want you there and I know how hard you tried to be there. I guess that it is going to be harder now too with the coldness between the family. I know Mum that this will be hurting you. I just hope you take care of Melissa's Dad.

You know Mum...it seems like forever that it was that I last held you, and it has only been 4 months. Every time the phone rings, I still hope that it is you. Every time I look at your photo it sends a hot searing knife through my heart. I try and explain to Cait, but I don't know myself.

The day Cait goes to school in January is going to be bitter-sweet. I know how much you wanted to be there to see your lil girl go as a school girl.

Not a day goes past that I don't think of you Mum. I guess if one good thing has come out of your passing to a better world (God I hope that is where you are) is that I look at each day as extremely precious. I know what a fighter you were, and I want to be like you Mum. I want you and my family to be proud of me for once.

19/5/00

Well Mum...I feel really bad that I haven't written sooner. I guess now Melissa's dad is safe up with you and you are showing him the ropes.

Michael and Melissa's wedding was wonderful. It was such a great day. I was really proud of Hannah the way she played the violin. Melissa looked stunning. The girls looked gorgeous. You know...its neat how things between Michael and I are a hell of a lot better now. I really missed that.

The break we had to go to the weddings was neat. Did the "kid things" instead of the aeroplane thing.

It was great catching up with Richard when we were down. It wasn't long enough, but the others wanted to spend time with him. I was really hurt that Glenn and I didn't even get told about Nanas 85^th birthday party until the day we were going home. We weren't invited. We would have gladly stayed a day or so longer to go to the party.

Cait had her first day at school and has loved it ever since. She is doing really well. I'm so proud of her. There isn't a day that goes by that we don't talk about you. She misses you so much. It really hurts that I can't explain more to her.

Coming down the weekend before Mothers' day was the hardest thing I've had to do for a while. It would have been much simpler to just have passed it by. But I didn't.

I don't know what other people at the cemetery thought when they saw me unpacking shovels and things out the back of the truck. An exhumation? I hope you like the garden I planted for you in front of your headstone. I tried to pick plants that would have flowers all year around...and ones that would complement the headstone. You know Mum...You have the most beautiful headstome I've ever seen. Dad did you proud.

I hope you didn't mind me sitting with you all that time. I didn't mean to cry and yell, but I had to let it out some time. There is just so much I want to say to you Mum, and I don't know if you can even hear me. I don't even know if you are ok. This is a poem I left for you...

It broke my heart when I took Cait down to see you. It's the first time she had been there since your funeral. There is so much she doesn't understand...and neither do I. She misses you Mum. And so do I.

Well I can't help but think that you had a mission when you died. You said that when Cait went to school I would fall pregnant. I guess with your help (cos I'm sure you have something to do with it) we have managed to defy everything the doctors told us. In October your 11^th grandchild will be born. All I can say is thanks Mum, but you really didn't need to die to make this happen.

Well Mum, Just know that we love and miss you heaps.

15/8/00

Well Mum, it has been a year. It doesn't feel like it...in someways it feels longer and other ways it feels like I am reliving it again.

I really thought I would be a blithering mess today, but you know, I haven't cried. Probably cos I'm all cried out anyway.

I awoke this morning at 4 am. The same time last year that we got the phone call that you had deterioated. My thoughts were of you. After I got back to sleep I had a dream. I don't know if it was really you there or it was my subconscious justifying my thoughts, but you were there. You came to me and told me that you were happy and at peace. I wonder if that is why today has been easier than I had anticipated.

Please don't get me wrong. I miss you more and more each day. I was and still am too young to be without a Mum here to kick my bum.

Cait had her first ballet recital on Sunday. She just looked gorgeous. I was so proud of her. When she came out on the stage and did her dance, I cried. Tears of happiness I think. That was a time when I know you would have loved to be there and we would have loved to have had you there. That morning, as I was getting her ready, doing the hair in a bun thing, I remembered back to the times where you would sit there patiently putting my hair in to a bun for my competitions while I was being the right lil prima donna packing tantrums.

Going through all the baby clothes for the baby has been hard. I can remember all the things that you bought for Cait. God you spoiled her!!! So Mum, as a tribute to you today, I didn't go to church and be a hypocrite, I didn't cry, I went shopping!!!! As I said to Dad tonight, when the going got tough, Mum went shopping!!!

I love you Mum, more than anything.

30/11/00

Happy Birthday Mum,

This is the second birthday you havent been here. I told Cait today that it was your birthday. That was her news at school. She also said to me, "Mum, I don't like being alive with out Nana here." You know, she really misses you and I cant begin to understand how much it has hurt her. There are things she has said to me that wrench my heart out. Especially when she tells me she doesn't want to live anymore. I just hope that she grows out of saying things like that.

Georgia Margaret arrived on the 13th October after one hell of a night. Its funny cos the first glance I had of her, it was Dad looking back at me!! I caught Glenn crying and asked him why. His reply was that he missede you and wished you were there. As did I Mum.

Im really proud of Cait. She is a wonderful big sister. She loves Georgia to bits. She is certainly not going to let your memory fade. She is determined to tell Georgia all about how special her Nana was, and how you spoilt her. She remembers that real well!!!

I really wish you were here to see Georgie. Shes a little honey. And there are times when I just wish I could call you and ask advice.

Sometimes I feel numb. I look at your picture and think……..how can you not be here any more?? Or were you really here in the first place, like were you just a dream.

Its going to be another hard xmas. It just doesn't seem like xmas without you here. There was always so much to do…….all the decorating, and you making sure your house was the best looking in the town. It was always so festive. If it wasn't for Cait I don't think I would bother. One day just seems to be the same as the next.

I wonder Mum, will I ever see you again? Where are you?? Your vibrantness, strength, and stubborness. It just cant stop. It doesn't seem possible. Just where ever you are Mum, know that I miss you and love you even more.

15/2/01

Christmas came and went yet again. Christmas just isnt the same. I don't think you would have liked summer this year as it has been extremely hot. Caitlin is growing in to a beautiful kid. Tho she is very much like me, the stubborn procrastinator. Georgia is 4 months old now and is trying her best to roll over. She certainly doesn't like staying still. She is a wonderful little kid, especially with all the travelling we did when Mike was over here.

I just want you to know Mum, that I miss you so much and it hurts that I cant share these times with you. It seems like you have been gone forever……but you will live on in Caitlins heart and she will pass it on to Georgia, and you will certainly will in mine.

There is one thing that I was reminded of tonight. A quote that says, "The best thing a father can do for his children is love their mother" I know things werent always easy for you and Dad, but one thing I do know, is that he loved you.

12/8/01

It has been two years now since you left the earthly confines of life. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you, nor a night goes past that you aren't in my dreams.

Who would have thought that grief was such a debilitating emotion? That it would have the power to rule ones life. I miss you more than anything Mum, but I cant let my grief drag me down. I've got 2 beautiful little girls to raise. I want them raised as you raised me, to let your legacy live on.

It is still hard to believe that you are no longer here. Also it is harder to believe that a family that outsiders perceived as close, has fallen apart. I still wonder what is going thru the heads of 2 of my siblings that they don't want to have anything to do with Michael or I. I just wish they would come out and say what's on their minds so that we could all begin healing. Because I know that the division is hard for Dad to endure, and I know that if you were here you would be kicking our asses until it was sorted. It shows beyond all doubt that you were the "superglue" holding this family together. I've done what I can from this end to start some kind of reconciliation.

Caitlin made me so proud this weekend at her ballet competitions. She has a stubborn determination that will get her far in life. What do you say to a girl that was pissed off with 2 silver medals….only because she wanted gold? She danced beautifully. She has worked so hard.

Poor little George gets lugged around from one place to another these days. I think she really enjoys her time at home where she can catch up on her sleep. When Cait was 9 months old, she was a huge 4 1/2-cm shorter than Georgia was!! I love those girls to bits.

Mum….what do we do about the upcoming job options? I just hope we choose the right one. I wish you were here to count the sultanas with me and try to figure out this confusion. I know I'm not the most patient person on earth, but I would like to know what I'm going to be doing or where I am in a year's time.

Anyway Mum. Remember how much I miss you and I want to thank you for helping mould me in to the person I am today. I love you.

23/7/03

I'm either writing early this year or late for last year's anniversary. I can't believe it has been 2 years almost since I wrote. Life is just so busy and confusing. I just feel like I am drifting on a current in the sea. Not knowing in which direction I should be heading.

We spent another winter break in Taupo with the family. Dad is not Dad any more. He isn't the carefree person he used to be. The person who you could talk to about anything. He used to laugh, have fun, join in the jokes. Not any more. I remember after you died that he used to hate waiting on you hand and foot, and you saying that you were tired or ill...it's happening to him all over again Mum. He is being treated like a door mat.

While Dad and I had some very rare quality time together, he asked me what I thought about her being buried in with you. The thought of it makes my stomach churn Mum. It makes me physically sick to the stomach.

The Gremlin used to be your pride and joy. It used to be you sitting up in the front seat with Dad. They used to be your things in the windows. They are all gone now. And I know that Dad has every right to move on with his life. It just seems that everything sacred to you is now hers. The last thing I want is for her to take over your final resting place. That is your only sacred place left. I cant bear the thought of her taking that over too. And it will only happen over my dead body. If it does happen Mum, please don’t be upset at me for never coming to visit you again. I couldn’t with her sharing your sacred place.

Damn, the tears are just pouring out at the moment. There's so much I want to say to Dad, but I know I cant. He is under the illusion that he is happy. Maybe he is...but like I said...he is nothing like the person he used to be. The body is the same, but the soul has gone.

The girls are growing up so fast. Caitlin is beautiful. She has eyes that sparkle when she looks at you and a smile that just radiates. She is smart with it too. She is going to go a long way. She tells me that she wants to be a Vet, a marine Biologist or Irene van Dyk. Somehow I don’t think she will have the height.

Georgie...well she is so different to Cait in personality. Her eyes contain nothing but mischief. She is a rascal. Her grin just oozes trouble. She is another gorgeous and smart little girl. She does have one trait of her father...once she has learnt to talk, she won't stop.

I am looking forward to Michael and Lissy having their babies. I can't believe Michael is going to be a dad again. It is going to be neat for them both, although I don’t think their white dining room suit and cream carpet will fair very well. Hannah is growing in to a sensible, talented young lady. She certainly has her head screwed on the right way.

Well Mum, I will sign off now and go back to look at you on my website. When I looked at it tonight, I couldn’t believe that was you. It has been nearly 4 years since I saw you last. I look at the photo and am just amazed that the person looking back at me is my mum.

A day still doesn’t go past with out thinking of you.