more emails from Lauren in Aussie
Political Philosophies Explained in Simple Two Cow Terms...
SOCIALISM > You have two cows. you keep one and give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM > You have two cows, The government takes them both and
provides you with milk..
FASCISM > You have two cows, the government takes them and sells you the
milk...
BUREAUCRACY > You have two cows. The government takes them both,
shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down
the drain...
CAPITALISM > You have two cows, you sell one and buy a bull..
CORPORATE > You have two cows, You sell one , force the other to produce the
milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead...
DEMOCRACY > You have two cows, the government taxes you to the point that
you must sell them both in order to pay the taxes to support a man in a
foreign country that has only one cow which was a gift from your government.
It is tough being a man...
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the
rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get
off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a
pervert.
If you don't, you're a fag.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're
sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're up yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO !!!!!
Three virgin daughters:
A Mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life
would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from
the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went
to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last
drop."
Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding,and the card read: "Benson&Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husbands' cigarettes, and she read from the Benson&Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for
a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole
month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were
the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the
ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted ....
From www.satirewire.com..
AUSTRALIA GETS DRUNK, WAKES UP IN NORTH ATLANTIC
Sydney, 800 miles S. of Nova Scotia (SatireWire.com) — After what witnesses described as an all night blinder during which it kept droning on about how it was always being bloody ignored by the whole bloody world and would bloody well stand to do something about it, Australia this morning woke up to find itself in the middle of the North Atlantic.
"Good Lord, that was a booze up," said a bleary-eyed Australian Prime Minister, John Howard, speaking from his residence at Kirribilli House, approximately 600 nautical miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina.
According to Australians and residents of several countries destroyed or lewdly insulted during the continent's nearly 7,000-mile saltwater stagger, the binge began just after noon yesterday at a pub in Brisbane, where several patrons were discussing Australia Day and the nation's general lack of respect from abroad.
"It started off same as always; coupla fossils saying how our Banjo Patterson was a better poet than Walt Whitman, how Con the Fruiterer is funnier than Seinfeld, only they're Aussies so no one knows about 'em," recalled witness Kevin Porter. "Then this bloke Martin pipes up and says Australia's main problem is that it's stuck in Australia, and everybody says 'Too right!'"
"Well, it made sense at the time," Porter added.
By 2 a.m., powered by national pride and alcohol, the 3-million-square-mile land mass was barging eastward through the Coral Sea and crossing into the central Pacific, leaving a trail of beer cans and Chinese take-away in its wake.
When dawn broke over the Northern Hemisphere, the continent suddenly found itself, not only upside down, but smack in the middle of the Atlantic, and according to most of its 19 million inhabitants, that's the way it's going to stay.
"We sent troops to Afghanistan. You never hear about it. We have huge government scandals. You never hear about it. It's all 'America did this,' and 'Europe says that,'" exclaimed Perth resident Paul Watson. "Well, we're right in the thick of things now, so let's just see if you can you ignore us."
Officials on both sides of the Atlantic conceded that would be difficult. "They broke Florida," said U.S. State Department spokesman Richard Boucher. "And most of Latin America is missing."
Meanwhile, victims of what's already been dubbed the "Australian Crawl" are still shaking off the event.
"Australia bumped into us at about midnight local time," said Hawaii governor Ben Cayetano. "They were very friendly — they always seem friendly — but they refused to go around unless we answered their questions. But the questions were impossible. 'Who is Ian Thorpe? Do you have any Tim Tams? What day is Australia Day?'"
"Fortunately, somebody here had an Unimportant World Dates calendar and we aced the last one," Cayetano added.
Panama, however, was not so lucky.
"Australia came through here screaming curses at us to let them through," said Ernesto Carnal, who guards the locks at the entrance to the Panama Canal. "We said they would not fit, so they demanded to speak with a manager. When I go to find Mr. Caballos, they sneak the whole continent through."
When Caballos shouted to the fleeing country that it had not paid, Australia "accidentally" backed up and took out every nation in the region, as well as the northern third of Venezuela. They then made up a cheery song about it.
By late morning today, however, not everyone in Australia was quite so blithe. "We've still got part of Jamaica stuck to Queensland," said Australian army commander Lt. Gen. Peter Cosgrove. "I think we might have declared war on it. I don't bloody remember. Maybe it's time to go home."
Cosgrove, however, is not in the majority, and at press time, U.S., African, and European leaders were still desperately trying to negotiate for Australia's withdrawal. But the independent-minded Aussies were not making it easy. In a two-hour meeting at midday, Australian representatives listed their demands: immediate inclusion in the North Atlantic Treaty Organization, a permanent CNN presence in all 6 Australian states, a worldwide ban on hiring Paul Hogan, a primetime U.S. television contract for Australian Rules Football, and a 4,500-mile-long bridge between Sydney and Los Angeles.
U.S. negotiators immediately walked out, calling the Australian Rules Football request "absurd."
Tired of Being Isolated and Ignored, Continent Isn't Bloody Moving