The Hard Times ... .Because times are hard. ... |
Obscure
Thoughts
Obscurity in the world. There are many things about life that make it obscure to me.I mean what's it all about? |
Obscure Thought - Week of April 25
Obscure Thought - Week of April 12
Obscure Thought - Week of January 30
Obscure Thought - Week of January 14
Obscure Thought - Week of December 29
Obscure Thought - Week of December 20
Obscure Thought - Week of December 2
Obscure Thought - Week of November 10
Obscure Thought - Week of November 4
Obscure Thought - Week of October 27
Obscure Thought - Week of October 23
Obscure Thought - Week of October 17
Obscure Thought - Week of September 26
Obscure Thought - Week of September 16
Obscure Thought - Week of September 2
Obscure Thought - Week of August 16
Obscure Thought - Week of August 5
Obscure Thought - Week of July 22
Obscure Thought - Week of July 18
Obscure Thought - Week of July 4
Obscure Thought - Week of June 23
Obscure Thought - Week of June 2
Obscure Thought - Week of May 19
Obscure Thought - Week of May 13
Obscure Thought - Week of April 26
Obscure Thought - Week of April 20
Obscure Thought - Week of April 16
Obscure Thought - Week of April 7
Obscure Thought - Week of March 25
Obscure Thought - Week of March 14
Obscure Thought - Week of March 3
Obscure Thought - Week of February 19
Obscure Thought - Week of February 3
Obscure Thought - Week of January 20
Obscure Thought - Week of December 28
Obscure Thought - Week of December 25
Obscure Thought - Week of December 17
Obscure Thought - Week of November 16
Obscure Thought - Week of November 9
Obscure Thought - Week of October 15
Obscure Thought - Week of September 23
Obscure Thought - Week of September 20
Obscure Thought - Week of August 20
Obscure Thought - Week of August 12
Obscure Thought - Week of August 3
Obscure Thought - Week of July 23
Obscure Thought - Week of July 15
Obscure Thought - Week of July 2
Obscure Thought - Week of June 10
Obscure Thought - Week of May 6
Obscure Thought - Week of April 22
Obscure Thought - Week of April 16
Obscure Thought - Week of April2
Obscure Thought - Week of March 25
Obscure Thought - Week of March 18
Obscure Thought - Week of March 11
Gosh, I feel like shit today, I don't mind telling you. I don't know, I just feel heart broken and sad, and stuck. A couple of weeks ago, it felt like things were happening, spinning, changing, but then I settled back into my rut, it feels like, so geez, and right now I don't really have the energy to climb out, I just want to get through the day, that's my goal. Let's see, what started the downward spiral? Well,I think the straw that broke the camel's back this time, is that a friend of mine's Mom died. I think that got me to thinking about how I feel sort of surrounded by death, the past year especially, there has just been so much it seems, and then that puts me in touch with all the sadness and pain and loss in the world, and in myself, and I know, I don't have to go to that terribly blue place, but sometimes things just catch me off guard. Like this death, and this man who I love to the very core of myself, blowing me off, and having to hear from someone else, that my best friends might be moving to South Carolina. They are the ones who have my Godson. I mean SC, isn't that far away, but it makes me realize how I have come so much to rely on them just being there, and I have always thought of their house as a sanctuary when I needed to hide out. I always go over there, when I don't want to deal with the world, and I can be whoever I am over there, no questions asked. I will miss that if it's not here. Work feels like a disaster area too, I might add, but I don't even feel like talking about that. I feel like I need a freaking kick start. I wish something fantastic would happen. I wonder if I am really going to change my lifestyle, I am seriously considering it. Oh well, I guess we shall see what happens. Keep passing the open windows. Later, M Back to topSO, wow, it's another 4th of July! I can't wait to see the BOOM BOOM firworks! My sweet soul redemption that I am experiencing lately is bitter sweet, but something happened last weekend that transformed me. I am not sure how much detail I want to get into right now and my heart feels like it's swollen up like a big water balloon. Have you ever loved someone to the very core of your soul regardless of their imperfections and yours and regardless of the fact that you may not ever really be with the person in the capacity that you see a possibility for? Well then you know my dilemma. Let me just say that, last weekend I was with a man, who I care for very much but it wasn't about sex, but something deeper happened, something that moved me body and soul, something that freed me up from the pattern of taking less then what I deserve from any man. I was with him in a way, that I have not allowed myself to be with anyone probably ever, and that makes me very vulnerable, and now he has run off again, and that feels like little knives stabbing me, or maybe big ones, but I think the important thing to remember is that how this situation ends up, doesn't really matter. What's important is that I am healing, my old wounds are closing up finally. Sometimes old wounds heal badly, like mine did, and then they have to be reopened, which hurts like hell I might add, but it's the kind of hurt that's actually good, because now the wounds can heal properly, and the scars will fade, eventually. Ouch! My next mission, if I choose to accept it, is to have these head over heels feelings for a man who isn't so afraid, and who doesn't run away at the first sign of an opening. But then again, I have to remember, his behavior, isn't about me, and you know what else? I love him anyway, and I release him to his highest power and only want the best for him. So as you can imagine, I am reeling. Hi world. I have been out of town for a bit, so I didn't update for a while. But I'm back! I was at "the beach", all last week. It's a little beach in North Carolina, called Ocean Isle. I have always called it "the beach". It's like home away from home for me, I guess because I have been going there since before I was born (the first year my family and I went, my Mom was pregnant with me.) It's a place that is close to my heart and every year I go there, although I have missed a year here and again, when I needed some space from my family, but when I go, I always feel so healed when I come back. I mean, the way I feel now, compared to the way I felt before I left is amazingly different. I was completely exhausted though, before, and now I am refreshed and am starting with a clean slate, which is nice. SO, wow, I didn't think it was possible to change so much in such a short span of time, for real. My perspective this week has been pretty good, and therefore, like hasn't seemed so terrible. I think it helped that I freed myself up from some of my fear on Monday, and I will finish that next Monday, so, in looking at my fear very specifically and where it came from, I see that really, that stuff is all an illusion. It's when I don't look at it that I get into trouble, because the things I don't look at are the things that get really big and they chase me around. When I look at them, as hard as that seems to do, they disappear into the wind and blow away. Strange but true. I am so glad it's the weekend. Despite last week being short, it sure felt awfully long to me. I feel as though I am remembering more and more about who I am and being the person I know I am, instead of being the person other's expect me to be. SO that's nice too. Not much else, I am looking forward to my vacation. I have a ton of stuff I need to do to get there, but that's ok, I am sure I will manage to get things done that I need to, and it will all be ok. Well, I guess I better get cracking. Later! Love, M Back to topSO I was starting to feel somewhat better like Friday, and Saturday, but maybe that was just a reprieve, ofcourse last night was just hard because I thought my dog was dying, this was about 5am, and she couldn't get up, and I had to help her and she was freaking out and I was freaking out and finally I got her settled on her bed, and went back to sleep, but I didn't sleep well, I was so hot and scared and sad. I don't really handle grief well, I really slip into a dark patch, ofcourse one other thing is that was with people this weekend where I feel like I have to hide my feelings more, why do I feel that way? I guess it's hard for me to show them when I won't be well received, it's like I can't handle the rejection, especially from my closest friends and family, I need to get stronger about that, and just let the chips fall where they may, because they do seem to be falling farther and farther from where they were. I don't even know who I am when I am with them anymore, I don't feel like they are my people anymore at all. How wierd is that, my closest friend's feel like distant memories already. I love the babies though, always and forever.
Wow, just when I don't think it's possible to get much lower I in fact have gone lower then I was when I wrote the poem below. I have also been physically ill, but that happens when I become so unhappy and anxious, my body just can't take it. I used to be able to continue even in extreme emotional pain, but I guess the more my insides match my outsides, the harder it is to "fake it". Anyways, yeah, I am feeling really, really bad. I have got to make a change, but right now, I don't have any energy, but perhaps what's happening is that I am changing, and my energy is being used in the process. It isn't easy living the examined life, but I just have to remember that I chose this way of life because I know in the long run it will make things better for me, at least I freaking hope so. I am in the midst of facing my shadow self again, and this time I am going the deepest I have ever been. It's really quite painful and I don't recommend it to the weak or faint of heart. It requires a lot of strength to live through facing one's darkest parts, and deepest pain, and everything gets really foggy and it hurts like hell. Maybe I am just insane, but I don't think so. I don't think so. Just hang on. Anyway, that's all I got right now. I must go lie down. Instead of writing a long entry about how I have been feeling, which is shitty, I think my feelings can be best expressed in this poem. Enjoy! Gosh, so what is on my mind today? It seems like a lot. My friend and I got into this whole drama yesterday about how there might be a conspiracy around work, but maybe we got a little out of hand. I don’t even want to discuss it because it makes me paranoid to think about or discuss. I have a tendency toward paranoia anyways, so it’s not really good for me to think about such things. Otherwise, well, let’s see, tomorrow is my 10th anniversary of living my life without the use of drugs and alcohol, that’s quite a feat for me, considering I used to could hardly take a waking breath when I woke up in the morning without putting some kind of mind or mood altering substance in my body, just to deal with life, just to be able to get out of bed, or see the world around me. So, I am going to have a few people over, but this leads me to one of my other issues. In regards to the kind of friend’s I thought I had and the kind of friend’s I actually have, I mean there’s a rather large discrepancy there. I mean I guess, I don’t understand why my so called four best friend’s can’t rearrange their plans, but then I realized, well it’s because they aren’t like me. I have a tendency to go above and beyond, I have made them number one priority over my own needs, and I have sacrificed and compromised and changed my own life plans even at time to accommodate them for many years. Well, guess what, I am not doing it anymore. It’s not their fault that I chose to do that, I mean I chose it, because they were my priority. I guess it occurred to me that probably the main reason we have even remained friends so long is because I have been so accommodating, because they rarely budge on my account. I am just glad that I have widened my social circle, or else I would be really lonely, even more then I even am. I mean it’s cool, but I am not going to twist my life around to see them so much anymore, unless I really, really want to see them. I mean I know they love me, and I love them, but I mean our paths have gone in such different directions, so it goes.
I was sure that I was going to meet my love this month, but it’s the 20th, and I see no sign of him, so I mean, crap, what’s a girl to do. I am ready to settle down, I am ready to let someone love me completely and me them, I really feel ready, just haven’t run into the person yet. Dang, after going to that poetry reading Wednesday and being down at GSU, I realize again that I really want to be in graduate school. I chickened out about it, because I couldn’t manage how I was going to do it and work full time and support myself and I got all caught up in how impossible it seemed financially and mentally and I got super scared about taking the GRE and everything, so I dropped it. I didn't want to admit that I was chicken, but I also didn't want to set myself up to fail by not studying for the test and doing very badly and feeling stupid. I still don’t know how I am going to do it. The thing is that ideally, I just want to be able to go to school and not work, I have absolutely no energy for my job, I mean none, and I have no energy for another job, and I think it’s because I want to be in school. It’s not that I want to to go school to avoid working, it’s that I want to go to school so I can read and write and concentrate on it full time for a while, not just a little bit here and there right now. It feels like my job is a distraction from what I really want to be doing, so naturally I have no energy for it, of course there is that pesky little detail about how my job pays the bills, but I am thinking if I really want to I can find a way out of that, I hope. I don’t want to have to deal with this life thing all by myself anymore, I mean I have proved to myself that I can, but damn it’s getting so hard and meaningless, I don’t want to do it anymore. Not like this. If I had someone to share with, I would feel lots better. My heart is open, I am ready for someone jump in… So gosh, I wasn't going to write about this but it's troubling me and I keep trying not to think about it, but the feelings keep bubbling up like some sort of trapped lava, so I thought maybe it would help to write. Anyways, what's it all about Mol? Well, it's my dog Sheba, she's over 13 now, and she is changing, getting old, getting worse, deteriorating. I am so sad about it, when I think about her, or when I feel about it rather, I feel like my heart is going to break into a zillion pieces and it hurts to breath. So, I think it's only a matter of time before she slips away or I have to make the "dreaded" decision. I really don't want to have to make the decision to end her life, cripes, I can't even think about it without getting upset, but it may come down to that. I wish she would go on her own fruition, but I think she is too loyal to me, even though I keep telling her that it's ok for her to go, when it's time, but I have no idea if she hears me or not. I mean, gosh, can she even understand me? SO anyways geez, it was a nice Spring day today, and warm as hell. Gosh, you know what that means, it's allergy season for me. But I didn't come here to talk about allergies. I have a sense today that things are changing, although the changes feel really, really slow. I am going to a warehouse party tonight with a band and stuff. I don't know what's important about today, but the day, April 7th, I don't know if I dreamt about it or what, but it feels important some how. Since it feels important I wanted to mark it down, so if something monumental does happen, I can refer to this and know that my intuition was correct, sort of intuition tracking I guess. I am not sure how yet, could be a romantic venture tonight because the guy who is throwing the party is someone I think I might like, even though I am told that he is kind of weird, but that just makes me more curious. How's that for a run-on sentence. I find that sometimes I get strong feelings about certain people or events, so I am tracking them to see how correct or deathly wrong I am. For all I know, tonight could be a troublesome bore, but I don't think so and Ashley and Emmett will hopefully keep me out of trouble. HA. I almost was going to bail on the adventure but I decided it could be interesting and cool, especially since I haven't been to a party in a while with mostly people I don't know, and I haven't been really out and about much. I have been staying in mostly or eating dinner with old friends and licking my wounds, as it were and living the life of an old married person, although I am neither old nor married. Isn't that strange, but it's like the saying goes, if I don't take opportunities to go out when I can, I might never find anyone, or worst case scenario, I will become a shut in, because I take a lot of comfort in my couch. Right now I feel so free and unfettered, although I am aware of a sore spot from Brad, and Richard too and even Scott, who I have decided isn't the man for me either, so I mean, I am not really over any of those men, but I feel it's time for me to go out and take a peak at what might be out there, and it will be fun to hang out with some artistic folks and hear some music and stuff. I am excited about it. Gosh, not much else, work still stinks, but I feel so entrenched there, and every time I think about leaving, something happens that makes me want to stay. The last time I was thinking about leaving, like week before last, we all got caught up in this car chase on tv, and I felt this sense of unity and then I read what I wrote in Bryan's Memorial, and I got this sense of like, connectedness, and I wasn't ready to break it, and honestly, for me, I kind of feel like I should stick it out until I can get my own gig. I just don't know if I have the energy to switch right now with leaving group and all, I feel like I need something stable in my life. I am definitely growing roots, more then I ever have before, I have no desire to run off and join the circus. Anyways, if anything interesting happens tonight, I will report it later. Love, M Well here I am again. I have to decide what I am going to do with all these Obscure Thoughts. I am running out of room. It's been over a year now since I have been writing them, so Happy Anniversary to me. Ha! Anyways, so my mind is actually kind of blank right now. I am entering a new phase of my life it seems. So new infact that it's sort of hard to explain to people, but it just feels like I have let a lot of shit go the past month and a half, and things that used to bother me don't bother me anymore, and things I used to be motivated to do, don't do it for me anymore. It just feels like it's time to move on, but to where, I am not sure. That's not clear to me right now. I am not panicking though, I am just taking it as it comes.
So wow, yeah what's going on world? Not like you will answer me, or anything, HA! Anyways, I have been feeling really good lately. I have freed myself from a trap I kept setting for myself that was putting me into this rollercoaster emotional state, and I did what I had to do to let "him" go. (Yup, suprise, suprise, it had to do with a guy.) Since then, I have been writing up a storm and submitting things and publishing them. There is something so freeing in telling the truth and writing about my experiences, things that not so long ago I could barely write about and as soon as I did, I had to burn them. It's a very freeing experience
to not be consumed with old, old fear. When I write about things, I get totally consumed in my writing, it fills me with energy now, it used to drain me and cause me to feel like I was being ripped into pieces, but not anymore. I am really not sure what shifted, I think maybe it was the piece I wrote about being a whole person and not objectifying myself anymore and accepting myself and treating myself better. I think it wasn't just writing it that shifted things, I think it was taking it and reading it to my sisters in arms a couple of Tuesdays ago. I mean, it's like I was living in some kind of self-made prison and I got myself out. I hope and pray I never have to go back there.
It's a crappy, rainy day in the old ATL today. Makes me want to sleep and sleep, but I have things to do, so I probably won't. I had quite a few realizations this week about a lot of things. The biggest one has to do with grad school, and how I have decided that it's not what I want to do. I mean, if I could do it and not have to work I would, but honestly, I dont think I could handle the stress it would cause trying to squeeze it into my life. That's not the main reason I have decided not to go. My realization about it stemmed from the feelings I was having and just the major resistance I was feeling about it. At first I thought that was just fear, but then I realized that, I don't not do stuff just because I am afraid. If I want something bad enough, I just go for it. I wasn't doing that. Then, it occurred to me that I was constantly looking for something on the outside to define who I was on the inside, but nothing on the outside ever will. Why? Because, I must be courageous enough to define myself from the inside, and if I want to write, then I just need to write, it's as simple as that. No one is going to do that for me. There is something to be said for being in school and having assignments and that pressure, but I feel like really for me to truly define myself as a writer then I need to put the pressure on myself. If anyone else did it, be it a professor or whoever, I will just resent them for it. So, maybe it's time to just do my thing and express myself in the best way I know how. If I want to do this, I have to be strong enough to put my blood, sweat and tears into it. It's time.
It's another day in the life for me. I am recovering still, I think, from the darkness that swept over me last week and the week before like a tornado. I don't even know who I am lately. I mean I vaguely know who I am but I just don't feel like much of anything is going the way I want it. Although, I have to say, one thing that's been nice is that a little bit of extra money has been coming my way. That doesn't really help my existential crisis, but at least it's one less thing to worry about. Maybe it's because I keep doing the same thing and expecting it to be different, I seem to be really scared to make the changes I need to make though. So it's kind of like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. I feel stuck. I am sort of half-heartedly trying to get my shit together for graduate school, but where I am stuck with that is getting two recommendations. I have no idea where I would get those from. I think my most viable option is to show some of my work to some people I don't really know and hopefully get a recommendation from them, but I seem to be very uncomfortable with that idea. So then I think, how I am I going to do graduate school, where I would have to show my work all the time, when I can't even get the guts to show it to two people. That's a problem. Meanwhile, time is just ticking away. If I keep procrastinating, I will miss the application deadlines. Another problem is that I seem absolutely unwilling to talk to people about what's going on with me, therefore eliminating any possibility for help or advice. Is it because I think I already know what they are going to say? Is it because I don't think anyone really gets me so they won't understand? Am I just shooting myself in the foot over and over? Gosh could I be any more self-centered? Crap! Also, I opened up the door again for this guy to come in, but I mean shit it was Valentines Day, and guess what, after blowing my mind, again, he has disappeared, again. Surprise, surprise. I wonder how much longer I am going to allow myself to be hurt. I mean it's been going on intermittently for a year. I am a glutton for punishment, and pleasure. My best friend's don't even know what's going on with me. That's how totally full of shit I have been. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea for me to stop going to meetings, but now I just don't know if that's the place for me. But then I think, if that's not the place for me, then where is the place for me? I can't seem to find it. I am a lost girl.
So wow! Gosh! I feel a million times better since I painted a little and relieved myself of some of the pressure and angst that builds up when I don't do anything creative for a while. It's amazing what an hour of just focusing on color, and shape and form can do for a creative like me. If I ignore the pressure I can become very unhappy and feeling very stifled and angst ridden and I have lots of anxiety dreams. Lately my dreams have been about vehicles blowing tires. Or I had a dream that I traded in my beat up truck and bought a brand new midnight blue VW bug and then when I was going to work in it, I scraped it all up in the parking deck. What does all this mean? Well, I am not really sure, my best guess is that it has to do with worrying about things out of my control happening, which has been happening a lot lately, and those type of events can often fill me full of angst. So it goes. Not much else that intense to write about this week. Perhaps I am getting a brief reprieve from the intenseness.
Ok, this is my third try, writing on this thing. I keep accidently, wiping out everything I have written, and it's pissing me off! Anyway, let me try again. The past week has been really hard. The chairman of the company I work for EzGov, died in a fire at his home on Monday. Him and his girlfriend, both died, just like that, they are gone. Everyone at work has been really sad and affected by this. I think it really pulled the rug out from all of us, all 150 of us at work. I mean, Bryan Mundy, was the visionary of the company, he wasn't the kind of executive who you never saw, or hid behind some big office, I mean he was the face of the company, he was the inspiration, and now he is just gone. It's not an easy thing for anyone to deal with. I didn't know his girlfriend, Erin, but she was a beautiful girl, I am sure full of dreams. She was only like 25 or something and Bryan was only 36. I don't understand why these things happen. I mean the company I feel will carry on, everyone is in full support of the president, Ed, who is a great guy too. It was hard to see him cry. It was hard to see Bryan's brothers in the office crying, it was hard to see the whole company in a world of hurt. I don't understand, why these things happen. I am not a stranger to this kind of incident either, it was only about 5 months ago that my friends, Francie and Bob, died in a plane wreck, and right now, is the annivesary of my friend Mike dying in a car crash so many years ago, but every year during this time I get sad about it. I don't know, sometimes it seems like god or whoever is just snatching people up. Death does strange things to people it makes them say strange things. You know, people try to say, well, God works in mysterious ways, I guess it was just there time. Or people have said, well, atleast it wasn't you. I mean, is that supposed to make me feel better? Because guess what, it doesn't. I mean the people I have listed here are just a few of the people I have known who have died suddenly, the list of deaths is really much much longer, and I don't even want to go into that now. I don't know, I understand it's difficult for the living to let go of the dead, and I understand it's difficult sometimes just to let me grieve the way I need to, without trying to hide it or fix it or fake it, or tell me some trite shit that's supposed to make me feel better.
Geez, I know it hasn't been a week yet, but for all my adoring fans I am adding a bonus entry for this week, because I feel compelled to write, and things are slow at work today. Anyways, my heart aches, and I am in love with a man who doesn't even know it and it just sucks more than I can really even express, feels like a knife digging in my gut. While I am at it, I hate this freaking job, I really do, I keep thinking I can stick it out, but I can't, it sucks, I am unappreciated and underpaid and it just sucks big rotten eggs. Thanks god for music, that's all I have to say about it. So, as you can see, I am in a really bad mood. I don't even know if I can hang here all day, I can't get up in the morning, it's hard to be around people. I think I may be depressed. So what else is new. It's just that I can't seem to figure out what's going on, nothing makes any sense to me right now, I don't feel connected spiritually, I feel like I am floating around again like a feather in the wind. I learned some techniques for centering myself, but when I do that, it's even harder to be around people, because I pick up all sorts of wierd vibes and it causes me to feel very nauseous and sick, and like I want to go run screaming out of the room. So now, I just have to get through new years, without totally blowing it or getting absolutely insane. We shall see! Later days!
So this is Christmas? Wow. One thing I love about Christmas is that everyone stays home or at other people's homes, so it's really easy to get around, although everything is closed, but other then that, it's great. Of course, the movies aren't closed and that's where I am going. I did the family thing last night. Once again I am having another, or maybe just an extended version, of lonliness, rather extreme I might say. It's an interesting feeling, it kind of reminds me of what it feels like to get tattoo work done. That's the only physical pain I have experienced that I could compare it too. I mean, yes, there are places I could go today, but in all cases, they are places that I just feel not very connected with, or just outcast from in a way, so I am opting to spend Christmas alone, let's see if I can take it without going mad. I think I can. I am going to go see the movie Out Cast, because I think it's appropriate. Gosh, I wish I was somewhere exotic, like the Bahamas, or Zanzibar where I have spent X-mas in the past, well last year and two years before that. The year before last I can't even remember, although
I know I was in town. It's just not all that memorable, unless I go somewhere cool. I suppose if I had a love in my life, and/or a child or both, it would be a totally different experience. But I don't and since I have become quite the hermit lately, I don't see anything like that happening anytime soon. So I guess this is my destiny. Sad? Maybe? If not sad, then atleast very lonely and quiet, but frankly, I could use the solitude. I am a tired girl and other people's energy, really wears me out lately, mostly because psychic vampires gravitate towards me like magnets on the positive, and exhaust me. I have to do all kinds of things to prepare myself to go out and deal with the people in my life a lot lately. This is my routine: two aspirin, a cup of strong coffee, and about a half a pack of cigarettes, then I am good to go. I can't seem to be around other people for more than a couple of hours without getting exhausted, I don't know how I imagine I am going to meet a new love under these circumstances especially with January coming, that is my darkest month. Anyway, no point in dwelling on all that shit, I'm going to Disney Land! Not really, I just like to end my journals lately with a quite from a song or a book, forgive my laziness on giving credit where it's due. I just can't remember. Later days. Peace and God bless America.
So geez, I haven't been updating this, and I can't even tell you why, just the whirlwind in my head and my life. Some wierd stuff has been happening, that I don't really need to go into. I have been listening a lot and what I get back is pretty intense, from the universe, from other people, etc. Apparently I am evolving, whatever that means. I guess that's better than regressing. I suppose. I am sad though, and sort of lonely, being single and 31 now, and it seems like, almost everyone I know is happy and in love. It's kind of hard to deal with sometimes. I mean, especially when the snakes in my head are slithering around, making it difficult for me to even be around other people. Anyways, last night was the X-mas party and it was quite a zoo. Everyone got really drunk, except me, and the pregnant people. It's really interesting to watch people getting drunk as they detoriate, and it's like words are coming out of their mouth, but they aren't really saying anything. But whatever. I made a decision that I want to go to graduate school, ofcourse, I have no idea how I am going to swing that, I mean financially, being that I am the sole supporter of myself,but I really don't like my job too much. I mean, geez, plus it sort of seems like the company is going broke. Maybe not, but X-mas was mighty slim at the EzGov house this year. It makes me wonder if I have made a bad decision. I don't know. But then on the other hand, I have to believe that I must have chosen that job for some reason, I mean, there's got to be some reason why I am there, for what I don't know. ALl I do know, is that i keep coming back to the same thing, is that I want to be a professor and teach and write. I mean, that's what is in my heart. I know academia has it's own set of problems, but it's what I keep coming back too. SO it goes. I know in my heart, I will never feel happy in the corporate world, sometimes, I wonder if I will ever feel happy period, but then again, I have to remember this is a rough time of year for me, until Spring. Geez. Ok, well, I think I will go paint now. That's what I have been doing mostly since my birthday. It's the long dark tea time of the soul folks. Later days...
Blah....Can I just say that I feel like absolute crap today? Yes, I am at work, but I need as much diversion as I can get away with from this mundane job that is sucking the life out of me that barely pays me enough. Yes that's right people, I am taking this opportunity to bitch and moan and whine and be a raving angry woman. I think that's ok though, because sometimes one just needs to do that. I didn't want to get out of bed this morning, and then once I managed that trick, and took a shower, I sat on my bed for like half an hour not wanting to get dressed and then when I did finally get dressed, I changed like 3 times, because nothing felt right. So, that's the kind of morning I had, not to mention all my lack of motivation, made me a half an hour late, but that's nothing new. I would have called in sick, but I am taking three days off next week, so I just have to suck it up. Have I talked about the thing I love most about internet correspendences as well as other correspondences of that nature?
So I usually don't mess with this thing when I am at work, but, it's been so long since I have updated and I actually have a moment to breath at work so I thought I would take the opportunity to update this. I am having kind of a hard time lately, maybe it's because my birthday is coming up, maybe it's because I made a tough call that is causing me to explore a bit more of my shadow side. Maybe it's because I hate my job. Probably it's a combination of all these things. So it goes, so it goes. I think it's the shadow side stuff that is getting to me the most, it's tough work, but necessary if I really want to have what I really want in life, but it makes all the surface stuff in life harder to deal with, like going to work and getting through that, especially when it's been so stressful lately. Crap, plus soon I will be 31, and I always get really reflective around my birthday and kind of take a look at my life and see if it's going in a direction I want it to go in, and if it isn't (which it isn't) I am working on figuring out what direction I want to go in, and what steps to take to get there. I am all about changing, I can do that. The other day I got into a conversation with some friends about grace, and I realize that I must have a whole lot of it, and I am grateful for that. I sure would like to find my nitch though, because lately I feel like a lost little puppy. ok, gotta get back to work. I just wanted to say, hi world.
So yeah, I have been out of touch with this silly little endeavor for a while. For my avid readers, if there are any, I apologize. I have been on a world wind tour of myself, so to speak. THings have been very interesting lately, and honestly I don't even know how much I want to say about it. Let's just say I am going through a great change, within. I got a glimpse of the kind of love I want, and now nothing else will do. There's not much else to say about it really. That's it in a nutshell. I don't want to waste my time anymore, so I am moving on, and we shall see what happens. Today I think I will plant a tree in declaration of a new found sense of something I didn't even know I could feel, regardless of the outcome, the outcome isn't important.
I don't know what's up with me, but it just seems harder and harder to feel cool. I mean I am almost 31 for god's sakes, well in a couple of months. It seems the older I get, the harder it is to feel cool. I really need to make a real Web site. You'll have to excuse me, I was just looking at these cool web kid's sites and I feel like a total loser now, even though, the thing is, if I could get my shit together, I could have a really cool one too. It's just that I can't seem to get motivated. It's wierd, since I moved to the new house my monitor doesn't skip and jump at all. Speaking of houses, last night and this morning, I had to kill a shitload of ants, and I didn't feel very good about it, my friend told me to get ant traps so I did, hopefully that will work, I mean, they were coming out of the woodwork, they were everywhere. Or it seemed that way, I think they just found a short cut through the door frame, I don't know, but I killed them, and I kept thinking about that movie Antz, and it made me feel bad. The power of computer animation I guess. I certainly do seem to have a lot to say today, but the issue is it's a whole lot of nothing. Mostly, I wanted to talk about how I don't feel so cool. I keep feeling like I am missing something, and I think I know what I want, but I have no idea how to get it. I could have something similar, but it's not what I really want. Maybe my perspective is just all askew today for some reason. My cat Bugsy is like a vampire since the move. It's like he can't stand the sunlight. He stays in my bed all day and only comes out at might. He doesn't act sick. He's just wierd. I think I am wierd since the move to, I can't believe this is my house.It's so damn quiet over here, and like today I only talked to one person, and in the quiet the dialogue inside my head seems more constant and louder then ever, but maybe it's just being in a new place. Ofcourse, I paid my first mortgage payment today,that made it more real. Tommorow I am having a housewarming party, so that should be interesting. There will be quite a mix of people, I wonder if it will be like vinegar and oil. Perhaps so. Tonight I raced a train, it was fun. First time I had exhilirating fun in a while. I think all the deaths of late still have me shook up and the move and this feeling that I have been ripped, or rather, I have pushed myself right out of my cacoon, and I am all exposed and it was perhaps a little premature, and I don't have wings yet, so I am just out there. But every day, my wings grow a little. Ok, well, I think I will go rest my weary bones now. I feel like I am in a whole nother country, man, and it freaks me out!
So wow, it's been awhile since I updated this silly site. I'm not sure really where I am at, I am moved though that's for sure, to a whole different county, it's been quite hellish moving, although I love my house and it's still wierd to me that I own it. I mean it really freaks me out. I think I am still timid on that point, it's a whole new world. Sometimes my lonliness here in the quietness of this house is overwhelming, I mean I was lonely before but I was comfortable with the lonliness because I was used to it, this is a whole other unfamiliar loneliness that I can't quite get ahold of, and plus it's just so damn peaceful, I find it overwhelming. My mind is pretty blank right now, I am trying to stay out of trouble and stuff. I don't really have much more to say, let me just add that I think this whole experience of growing up and stuff, is changing me, into what I do not know.
There is definitely something going on, although I don't know that I could sit here and tell you what it is. I wish someone would tell me. I think I am not supposed to understand, merely perservere. Two people I know died in a small plane crash last week. The week before that a family friend passed. In the circles I run in, these tragedies have been quite devastating to me and many others. I am at least glad that things were good between me and Francie before this happened. There have been times in the past when things weren't good between us, so for that, atleast I can be grateful. It just seems like there are so many things happening and I am often overwhelmed. I don't know, this stuff has had a profound effect on me. I want to be a better person. I don't want to be petty or mean. I want to tell people that I love that I love them, I don't want to waste time in situations that really don't serve me all that well. I mean, one just never knows when it's time to go. I don't want to have regrets when it's time for me to go, whenever that is. I can't understand things on a human level of a divine nature, so in that regard, I am a babe in the woods much of the time. But what can I do? I can merely accept that and move on. I also realized that it doesn't matter if I am prepared for the things that happen in life or not, it doesn't matter, because things are going to happen, the good the bad and the ugly, regardless of whether I am prepared or not because it's not all about me. I do get some kind of wierd comfort in that thought, because it means to me that I don't have to waste time worrying or trying to control things around me, I just want to live the best life possible and experience somethings. Right now I am experiencing aloneness and grief. I am grateful though to be able to experience life. I spent many years as a walking zombie, so.
SO wow, I have very little energy today and I'm feeling kind of blown out. I'm going through some kind of wierd spiritual shakedown, and the tasks ahead of me as far as moving and going through all my belongings is really freaking exhausting. Perhaps I will be able to do more tomorrow. I like that term, spritual shakedown. I don't know where I got it from, but I just feel like all these walls are crumbling down and everything is in pretty intense chaos but at the same time not. It's hard to explain, I feel like I have found myself on the other side of some great rift in my life like I fell into the rift, and I had to scramble out of it and now I am on the other side from where I was, but I have no idea where I am. I am feeling rather bewildered, but on this side of the rift, things are different then they were. On this side, I have stronger intuition about things and awareness that I never had before. I feel strangely awake but also tired. I have an ache in my heart, but I also feel the beauty of life. I wish I had someone I could talk to about these things but it's like others don't seem to get it. Well, there are a few who kind of do, but they are also very wrapped up in their own process. So, in that way I am feeling rather isolated. Everyone must see Magnolia, that movie. It's really awesome. I have had many experiences lately like in that movie where my life has crossed others in a seemingly not random way, but also kind of random. It's all very odd. So. I guess I will just see where this is going, and continue to do the next thing in front of me. More later.
Wow! Geez, I wish I could describe the energy that is flowing through me right at this moment. I took an amazing bath in Eucalyptus bath salts and imagined that all the negative energy was just oozing out of my body like black goo and it came down my arms and into my hands and out and then quickly formed a little ball of light and burst into the air and I felt a sudden release of all that nasty negativity that was bringing me down earlier. So I really got a big lesson in how I need to slow the hell down. Just slow down, I get so keyed up and anxious, and crazy and then I miss so much and I get bogged down in my own energy spiral... or something. SO yeah, there seems to be some crazy cosmic swirling stuff swirling around me to, like worlds are opening up, but I need to take it easy, just take it freakin easy, or else I am going to flip out and go crazy. I'm rather compulsive and I get so frantic at times, like a gerbil in a cage and oh so impatient, but I am being taught how to be patient and just let stuff go as it will, you know, let things go as they are going to whether I run around like a crazy person or not. It's just that running around like a crazy person, exhausts me more.
Ok, so like I do believe I have had my mind officially blown, and my heart and my soul, and like I honestly don't know how to handle it. That expression, be careful what you ask for, seems to be more and more true. I seem to be getting closer and closer to stuff that I've longed for, ached for even, and it's all really blowing my mind. Why is that? Well, probably because I allowed myself to lose hope and not just once either, over and over, but somehow for some reason, I have been able to keep searching for things, keep my heart even just the tiniest bit open, keep myself going, and I have to say in all honesty, that it's all a bit frightening. And the thing that I know is true is that even if nothing comes of anything of the things that I am on the verge of getting gifted, the experience of opening up and being touched in the deepest places of my heart is really gift enough. Why? Because, this is what life is about, this is what I wanted, to experience things, beautiful, awful, so amazingly freeing, that it hurts. I know I am speaking in abstracts and being really vague, but I don't want to pick it apart, I don't want to describe every detail of what's happening, I just want to be in it. But I guess right now I am sort of surprised, because as much as I feel I have ached and longed for the things that are being presented to me, I don't know that I truly believed that these things would happen, and now they are. So, I mean, it's very curious, indeed. Phew!
SO here I am again, swimming in an ocean of confusion which I created within myself by doing a bunch of things for the wrong reasons. But I know why now. I am a person who doesn't like to feel things, yet as a human being, feelings can't be avoided, I am a recovering drug addict, through and through, and although I have managed somehow to not use a drug or take a drink in over nine years, I have found other things to feed my addictive nature, and when I indulge in such things, it totally knocks me off balance, and I become depressed and hopeless, which is no fun. It occurred to me yesterday when I came out of my coma of sorts, that it's more then being a recovering drug addict, I am on a spiritual path, yet I keep taking these side roads and falling off these big cliffs, and it's totally like compulsive and it wrecks me, and I know that, yet I keep doing it, because it feels good in the moment, and I forget about the loneliness and the whatever it is about my life that I don't want to deal with most of the time. My feeling, my emotions are so strong lately and sometimes the pain is so severe, I don't think I can walk through it, and I find these distractions (boys!) and then I get in to a world of insanity. SO, wow, this is normally the sort of stuff that I wold write in my private journal, but right now I don't care. I am tired of pretending that everything is cool, because it ain't, and I don't care who reads it, you know this is me, this is who I am.
Ok, so I know it's been a while since I have written, again, and it wasn't even because of a guy. But lots has been happening. Like I went through this period where it just seemed like everything was falling away, and I was bummed and then it occured to me that maybe things were falling away because they weren't good for me and maybe I don't always know what's good for me. Ofcourse that doesn't mean that I am fatally unable to trust myself or anything, but sometimes I hang on to things for the wrong reasons, or maybe I hang on too tight to things instead of letting them fall away naturally. In my experience everything falls away eventually. I wonder why that is? I really don't know.
LIke it really matters, because I doubt anyone reads this crap, but I feel kind of bad because I haven't written a word on here in a while. I've been kind of caught up in other things, like a guy, but that's all over now, so it goes. But I did have another obscure thought, imagine that, well actually I have had many, but the one I wanted to share goes like this. It seems this whole ordering things online has gotten really crazy. I mean I keep seeing WebVans and Kozmo.com cars all over the city, so I had this thought that at some point in the future, there won't even be a need to leave the house. Like we'll all just get hugely fat and work from home and order our movies and food and other forms of things on the internet and just sit at home. ANd then I was thinking like it might even become wierd or considered completely uncool to leave the house and go walk around and lets say I wanted to go out, and everyone would be like, what? YOu're going out there? Well what for. and the only thing on the street would be like internet company delivery trucks, and maybe they would all be electric. I don't know I am just tossing some ideas around. Other then that, I feel pretty damn deflated, because nothing is going the way I want it. Earlier this week I just wanted to leave town, you know because I'm just so sick of things getting screwed up and I guess I just thought that if I could go somewhere and start fresh, maybe things would be better. ofcourse, I have responsibilities here, and I am needed here, and I mean you take yourself with you, so I honestly don't know if it would make a bit of difference to go to California or wherever. Who knows. More later.
SO wow. Today I threw a party for my friend's that are having a baby soon. Well, one couple that is, I happen to know 4 pregnant couples at the moment. They are all really cute in their roundness and I love them. It's funny, even though I don't drink anymore since I don't throw parties like I used to, but I still got it. So that's cool, the food was great. There's a ton of pasta left. My friend made two huge bowls. What else is new? Well lets see,a lot. But I just don't know how much I want to write about here. Let me just say that lately I have been reeling in the depths of my own pleasure and fun. I mean like lately I have felt like I just jumped off a cliff and I have yet to land, and it's like I told my friend, I just hope my landing is soft. A wierd cool thing that happened was the other day I was grocery shopping for the shower actually and I ran into an old friend that I went to the highschool with and she is married to the younger brother of a good friend of mine who died a long time ago in a car wreck. The girl and the brother of my friend have a small child who has the same grin as my friend. I don't know, it just filled me with joy to see that. It gave me a sense that everything is right with the world. You know like in a strange way, things are unfolding as they should. This is something that I really need to remember, especially when I get into a frame of mine where I get scared that things that I want and need are going to slip away from me.
So it's been a really intense week. I wonder why my monitor keeps flickering. I was going to work on my novel, although, for that I think I would need to make a pot of coffee. It's been an exhausting week, although I'm not sure why. I think I will blame it on the moon. The full moon can often make me crazy, and also make it hard for me to sleep. The other night, about 2am, I felt like my soul was on fire and I was walking through it. I seem to keep pushing myself but to where, I still don't know. The hard part, I think for me, is keeping myself centered and not getting knocked off track by other people, which can happen very easily. I just have to take a deep breath sometimes and remember that my feel are on the ground. That's how intense it's been. Cable modem rocks by the way. I think that's about all I have to say right now, atleast that which I feel like sharing with whoever might be reading this wierdness. Later.
Well, I really doubt anyone is reading this, but if you are, I apologize for not updating in a while. I was having technical difficulties with my phone line but that's all resolved now. Tomorrow I am getting a cable modem, so that's pretty exciting, I will be able to talk on the phone and be on the web at the same time, and also, I will probably move this site to a better more "real" place, so stay tuned. What's going on with me? Well, lets see, I was kind of crazy earlier in the week, but I got it together, and a sort of calmness came over me. So, as much as I felt a push to move far far away from this city, which at times drive me crazy, I don't realistically see that happening for a while. Instead, I re-designed my bathroom and ordered the cable modem, so I guess I am going to be here for a while. I just get frustrated sometimes with the way things are going, and I am constantly being confronted with things that could possibly destroy me. I have of course no reason to believe that wouldn't happen somewhere else though. Things are pretty quiet today, men continue to confound me, but what else is new. So I guess I still don't know much. Anyway, more later.
SO, I don't really know what's up with me lately. I've been real spacey lately. I am not sure I really have much to say. Maybe it's Springtime, maybe it's allergies, maybe it's strange feeling internal changes going on in my subconscious, I really don't know. Ofcourse last night I was told by a friend that I am always like this, so I don't know, maybe I am just more aware of myself. Last night when I was driving home from hanging with my friends, my little red truck got hit with an egg. I did not see the culprit, but I guess it was some kids in Cabbage town. At first I didn't know what hit me, but then when I got home, I saw the oozing eggness on the side of my truck. That's so wierd because last week, I sort of had the sensation that I was cracking open like an egg, like subconsciously I am giving birth to something new, like some aspect of myself or something. I would say more, but I just don't know, so when things are clearer, perhaps I will share. Life's pretty groovy though lately, the problem I am having is that it's been difficult for me to stay awake for it. Perhaps I should drink more coffee. Ok, if this week's entry isn't obscure, then I don't know what is.
Peace Out.
So, one of my favorite feelings in the world is that one where I can tell I am healing from a hurt and I don't feel like I am totally doomed. Sometimes, if something happens that hurts my feelings or bums me out, I can go very quickly into a tail spin, sort of like falling into a hole, or a bottomless pit. I didn't really do that this time, but it took a lot of effort to keep from falling into the hole. Often times, it's more like a vacuum tube and I have to hold on with all my effort to keep from getting sucked in. I mean, but what I love, is that feeling where things are restored, like the end of a large storm, where the wind slows down, and the clean-up can begin. I am rambling from the caffiene I have had, but my point is that I have got my game back, I think for now. What I have to remember is that just because I don't always get what I want, or things happen unexpectedly, doesn't mean I am totally screwed and nothing will ever work out. It's that all or nothing thing that really messes me up. What I am getting to is that I think it's true that despite hard times, heart break, and wierdness in the world, I think the universe is still unfolding as it should, even though I don't always like it. Have a nice day!
The topic of the day is about fantasy and reality and how the Web tends to blur the two. I have a cold, so I'm not feeling too great.It occured to me last night in my nighttime cold medicine stupor, well actually about 4am, when I awoke thinking about it, that the Web, Internet, whatever, is a huge breeder of fantasies. I mean, the beauty of talking on the web or looking at things on the web is that the human element is sort of lost and a person can create themselves and spin a web of illusion around them and how they want to be perceived. I mean it's a beautiful thing, but it's also kind of strange and impersonal. I kind of dig it sometimes, especially being a person with a large imagination and the ability to spin yarns at the drop of a hat, but there's sometimes something lost in the translation from reality to fantasy. Some human element. I am not sure that I will find someone who can stand in the fire with me, and not shrink back on the web. So what else is
new? I don't know, I have some strange ideas at times. Like here's one
of them. What if life actually made sense. What if life was not random.
I mean even in studies of chaos, scientists have found patterns of order.
Coincidence? Who knows. I never used to believe in God when I was young
and growing up. I never really thought I did, yet I was always trying
to find order, I was always looking for patterns, so I mean, what was
I looking for? Was I looking for now? A time, when, like now, I would
start to see my life making sense? It's like I had to become completely
unraveled to feel like things made any sense. ... So, more later. |