And this was the follow up poem to "ME", countless people can relate to the shit I was going through back then..can you?
Once again I step back and look at my life, or what people might call a life. Before I had thought that it could get no worse, but now I have found new depths to the abyss. Do you ever asking yourself if this is it? I do. Do you ever wake up knowing how your day will be, how monotonous it will be? I do. Ever ask yourself if things could be worse than they are and knowing that simply by living, by going through your day, they actually will.
I come to that all-to-familiar realization every day, each time falling deeper and deeper into an inescapable hole. The tragedy, to me, is not necessarily that I'm falling, but that I realize I'm falling, and nothing can be done. I can't figure it out. Why am I not able to change the things I desperately need to? Why can't I be happy with myself and who I am? What is wrong with me? I saw a famous quote the other day that I've seen and heard my entire life. It says - it is better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all. I disagree. Tell that to the people that have lost their true love. I'm sure they'll agree in saying that to lose that love is possibly the hardest thing to try to live with. At times it seems impossible to live with, and unbearable just to simply think about how it used to be. The pain in the pit of your stomach and the guilt induced aura that envelops you is more than enough to convince yourself to end all the pain. Who wants to live with that in the back of their minds for the rest of their lives? I say, it may be better to have never loved at all, because love will always wind up leaving you, at some point. Unless of course, you have truly found your "soul mate," but how are you to know, who are you to know? Love goes away, but each time, takes not only a piece of you're heart and therefore a piece of you, but also steals the desire to do it all again and robs you of the courage to convince yourself that you can. Love is a thief. Easily the world's greatest.
Am I the only one who feels like this? Throughout my life I get these flashes of hope, a glimmer of possible happiness, but every time, and I mean every single time in my life, it has either been too good to be true, has gone away for some inexplicable reason, or has quickly been replaced in threefold with something bad. I'll have a good day and then I'll have a bad week. I know this now. So far it's been impossible to escape. I can't get away from it. It won't go away, never has. I'm losing hope that it ever will. I know when something in my life happens to go good, I know even when I'm happy that its going to go away, or I'll be wondering when its going to leave me. Why is life like this, what is the reason? Is it for some grand scheme later on? And if so, why later on? Why can't it be now? Why isn't it now? Where are the answers, who has the answers? I need them. Why does nothing ever go my way, or the way it should go? Why does everything always turn out the way I don't want it? Things that I know in my mind and my heart to be right are taken away from me - always. I have never been able to sustain anything good ever in my life. Why? Am I that bad, am I that wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Why was I given this curse. It is making me invisible, taking away my importance on this planet. I'm fading. Fading into the background of insignificance. Why is my life so trivial?
Nobody listens anymore. Words mean nothing. In one ear and out the other. Nobody just wants to listen, to hear what I have to say. Nobody has the time. Nobody has the patience. Nobody cares. I've realized now that besides people not understanding, even when insisting they do, that even if they do, its not the fact of them being able to do something about it, because they can't do anything. But I just want to get it out. To get people to understand what I'm about. If someone could feel the way I feel just for a day, to think what I think, just even for a day, they'd understand. I've heard dozens upon dozens of people tell me that everybody feels this way or goes through this or has been or is in my shoes. I don't think so. To be categorized, to be listed, to be put off as, "Oh, everybody has the same feelings," is like an insult. How the hell do you know? How dare they cast my problems, my wishes, my desires, my feelings, off like nothing- no big deal. Who are they to summarize all that I deal with, in one sentence. My problem is that I care too much. I've realized that this emotion or characteristic has become obsolete and unpopular. It's too much for today's people to care. It's not necessary for survival and now is actually a recessive trait, quickly diminishing generation after generation. Survival of the fittest- right? I must be one of a rare breed, a dwindling species. And maybe it's for the best, but I disagree and will always disagree. But nothing will change, I can't change it, so why not just assimilate with it. If you can't beat'em, join'em?
I wish I could be like everyone else; not care, not think so much, not feel so much. Why does my heart ache? What is this feeling in my stomach? Why does it insist on making its presence felt? Why does it have to hurt? Why? Do I deserve this punishment? Is this what life and living is all about? I wonder constantly what it would be like to live without hurt, to go through the days without the misery, the dread. Could that ever be? I wonder how it is, how it would be. But most importantly, hopefully how it could be. It would be a good experience. Not have a constant fear in the back of my mind and abandon the lifetime of walking on egg shells in a futile attempt to avoid (or at least dilute) the cloud of trepidation incessantly showering its precipitates on a weathered head that long ago reached saturation. It is a head-in-hands posture which lacks the strength and motivation to forfeit its staring contest with the ground and show the world the face it possesses. But I think it has had enough of my world, my reality. A reality of my unexplained analytic, ponderistic, self-conscious behaviors, thoughts, and processes all of which are embodied in a mentality completely devoid of self-confidence. I've forgotten the meaning of the word, let alone, how it feels to have it. To boast in the invulernability; protected by the nonporous, inpenetratable veneer only visible to the eye as a particular, yet familiar radiance with no desire nor ability to hide from envious eyes. It's seen through mere smiles, a certain appearance, and the distinct manner in which it crutches the body to stand up tall and proud, filling the chest with its fresh air, and lifting the chin to point at the heavens with loyal appreciation. It bestows a sudden epiphany of realization of a reassurance of the armor of invincibility it ultimately offers its bearer.