MY MOST RECENT STREAM OF CONSCIENCENESS

What do I do wrong? Really? Why do I always deal with these things, am I fated to feel this all the time….am I that bad of a person? Am I falling back to the past? Am I falling worse? Will this be worse? I always do this to myself….i let myself get too attached and then bam – let down and pain. Do I deserve this? I must be really bad to deserve this all the time. What’s with the rose and the thorns? I get a scent of the rose but then the fatal pierce of the thorn or thorns. Why do I have to deal with this? I do nothing wrong pertaining to this. I know that. Infidelity is not part of my makeup, especially not with this one….opportunity has arisen but I have not chosen. Why do they get all the play, all the vantage points, all the options. Does it not affect them as it does me? Is it really because I set myself up for this? Do I really? I’d like to think that I’m merely being nice and the way a man should be….put man is not supposed to be put down time after time for courageous and valiant efforts and deeds. I go out of my way, and get taken advantage of ….always. I don’t deserve this . the lying? No I don’t believe that to be the reason… that is to merely get them to the level that I feel for them. To look in admiration as I do them. Put do they deserve such notoriety? Do they deserve the admiration? Not from what I’ve seen, so why do I do it to myself. Because I don’t want to be what’s hated in society and by them….i don’t want to be the outcast (although I already seem to be ) I want to be what they want – perfectly. But then I always get screwed over? Why? I give what they desire….it cant be more,….i do everything possible to appease and to make a smile appear. And I don’t do it for them, I also like to see that. It does make me happy…but why am I never happy…why do I sacrifice the happiness for theirs….why cant it be 50/50? Ever! Cant I just have something that I can not have to worry about? Not always doubt and wonder when she will screw it up, and when I will be writing another one of these things…each time getting worse and worse from each time of more effort and emotion and love put in. its like its thrown back in my face, all my wishes and desires and all I do is shoved in my face, seemingly 3 fold. I do put in tons of effort but the pain that’s sent back to me in rediculous, I don’t deserve that. Never have , never will. I write while they laugh and enjoy and think upon me as a weirdo and loser. I’m the crux of blame. I get the guilt as to not upset them. I deal with it all, always, because they cant accept reality; responsibility. And give what is to be reciprocated ….its only fair…only right. Should I stop my effort? Maybe if I put in less the pain that I don’t want to expect and don’t deserve would be less? Why does It have to be there in the first place? YOU know I don’t deserve it. I have prayed and prayed asking for only a few and the dire you have answered for me, but you have to recognize the extremeness of this. You have to , I know you do…but why do I have to put up with it……tests? I mean how much pain can I endure before I give up. Am I that one? That’s given the world to carry to prove myself to you. The hero must accomplish the herculean deeds? I believe I’m accomplished these. The pain I feel now is seemingly insurmountable…this kind of task is so energy consuming. So tiring. I’ve fought it my whole life, you know this. I don’t want to go away you know that. You want me to do so much here. I cant be there yet,,,,,I don’t even know If I deserve to be there. I would hope I qualify. But these tests are so trying. I try and I try all to no avial. This is so hard. I need you here and I know you are…you see what happens. WHY? Why is this cast upon me? These thoughts created are they you speaking or the other one? Am I to doubt? Am I to trust? Experience tells me to not trust, and gut-feelings tell me I shouldn’t, but my brain tries to comply and show reason. But my mind has to realize that this is always what happens to me…..why should I take this one any different? It looks exactly the same.