(a brief history)

post-watermelon human guise

It all started when I first met my mom 26 years ago at KK hospital. She greeted me with glowing perspiration and a hint of disappointment. Me, I was just glad to be out of that dark cocoon of solitary confinement. I sensed that this new world that I had entered would be more exciting than my past life as a watermelon.

Unfortunately, I was proven right. Being a watermelon had its privileges. For one, you don't have to brush your teeth every morning or tie your shoelaces when u go to school. Anyway, at the tender age of 4, my family tried to lose me in a crowded shopping centre but to their dismay, a kind-hearted police officer found me and returned me to them after two hours of frantic hiding.

At six, after multiple attempts by my family to disown me, I finally got the hint and left home to join the Moscow circus. Since I had no special abilities, the ringmaster displayed me at the freakshow. I was their star performer. I was so relieved that at last I found a clique that accepted me. But this spark of elation proved to be shortlived. The circus had to close down because most of the animals were terrified of me and had continuous constipation each time I pass their cages.

But I found solace when my application for nursery school was successful. They routed me to join the highly prestigious institution for the mentally- challenged. After 3 months of school, my brain was fried, I couldn't take the tough sing-along sessions and tedious tea-parties, the only saving grace was nap-time (my all-time favourite subject).

Somehow, over the course of my growing up years (throwing up years for those who had met me), something miraculous happened. Whether it was pre-ordained or dumb blind luck, I could not tell. But one day, whilst I was crossing down the street and bopping to the beat, I was abducted by what I can only surmise as an UFO. When I came to, I realised that I had experienced lost-time. That is, I had actually disappeared from the face of God's great Earth for exactly 11 years. And my mind was a clean slate. I had no recollection of my past and couldn't (for the life of me!) ascertain my own identity. Sad to say, the previous few paragraphs you had read were just made-believe history I had concocted to portray an enigmatic and vibrant past. In truth, I'm not even sure that I exist!

Sorry about that! I got too caught up in bull-shitting (influenced by the rubbish we get from the newspapers) that I totally side-tracked. Actually I'm trying to test the hypothesis that no one actually reads what you write in a homepage anyway. Because most times people would just browse through, and just check out the pics to see if you're a cute chick or not. After which usually two things would happen depending whether or not you're certifiably cute or look something which resembles a member of the Adams family (which in my opinion is cute too). The visitor would then either proceed to promptly sign your guestbook and sing praises about the page (even if it sucks like a straw) or even more promptly try to vamoose from the site all the while cursing under his breath what a terrible waste of time he had spent peeking into some idiot's electronic domain when he could actually do something more productive like contemplating the depth of his navel.

Anyway, if you had gotten this far, you are definitely abnormal and would do well to consult a doctor to verify the state of your mental health. A cheaper alternative (and which I recommend) is to stick around and explore this site. So slump your shoulders, kick off your shoes and make yourself at home.