Origins of Vampires

<shuffling and muttering sounds>

VENTRUE: Okay, guys, sit down. I suppose you're wondering why I've called you all here.

TOREADOR: I should think so. I have an engagement in two hours that I simply MUST attend, and I don't want to be late.

VENTRUE: Yeah, yeah. Order. <banging noise> Well, I don't know about you guys, but my Progeny have been asking some rather...embarassing questions, and I--

MALKAV: Just tell them that when a Mummy and a Daddy love each other very much--

VENTRUE: Shut up, Malkav. Anyway, they want to know where we come from, why, how, the whole bit. I think it's time we had an answer for them.

<silence>

BRUJAH: Well, what are you asking us for? WE don't fucking know.

SAULOT: LANGUAGE!

BRUJAH: Sorry.

VENTRUE: What about you, Ralph? You seem to have your nose in everything.

NOSFERATU: No, I am ... no longer called "Ralph." From this day forward, you shall call me: "Nosferatu."

<silence>

RAVNOS: I dunno, man. Ralph suits you.

NOSFERATU: No! I REFUSE to be stuck with that name.

VENTRUE: Leave him alone Ravnos.

TOREADOR: Actually, while we're on the subject ...

VENTRUE: What is it now?

TOREADOR: I have taken the pseudonym "Toreador."

<more silence>

HASSAM: You've never even SEEN a bull, let alone fight one, Norman.

TOREADOR: LEAVE ME ALONE !!!

RAVNOS: I was gonna say something about "full of ..." Oh, never mind.

VENTRUE: SHALL we get back to business?

LASOMBRA: I think "Nosferatu" sounds cool actually, Ralph.

NOSFERATU: And it's a lot easier to say when you can't retract your fangs.

VENTRUE: GENTLEMEN!

<silence>

VENTRUE: Okay, any ideas?

TZIMISCE: Uh ...

VENTRUE: Yes, Tzimisce?

TZIMISCE: Yas. Do you think it vaz a disease, perrrhaps?

SAULOT: Nnnnnnno ... I don't think so. I'd know about it by now if it was.

MALKAV: Ooo! Ooo! I've got an idea!

VENTRUE: <groan> What?

MALKAV: Ooo! Ooo! We're ALL ... aliens! Yeah! From the planet ... Yuggoth!

BRUJAH: Malkav?

MALKAV: Yeah?

BRUJAH: Drop dead.

<silence>

MALKAV: Ain't it just TOO BAD you don't have Dominate?

BRUJAH: REAL men don't NEED Dominate!

<thud>

MALKAV: Owww!

RAVNOS: Okay, I've got it.

VENTRUE: Yes?

RAVNOS: They're not REALLY vampires, they just THINK they are.

VENTRUE: Hmmm ... not bad ... but then the dumb ones will try to prove you wrong by taking a sunbake.

LASOMBRA: SO? Weeds out the stupid ones, less of a population problem, less nosey Progeny asking silly questions.

TOREADOR: Lasombra, you are perverted.

LASOMBRA: Hey, am I my brother's keeper?

TZIMISCE: He has a valid point, frrriend.

TOREADOR: Sickening creatures.

<sniggering>

SAULOT: Brother's keeper ... hey! That reminds me! You know those guys who wear the funny tea towels on their heads--

HASSAM: WATCH it, three-eyes.

SAULOT: Sorry. Anyway, they have this old story about this one guy who kills his brother and gets cursed, see ...

SUTEKH: Cursssed, you sssay? Hmmm ... I like it!

NOSFERATU: Yeah, but if YOU say it, no-one will believe it.

TREMERE: I know! We did it by magick!

<silence>

BRUJAH: Who the hell are you?

TREMERE: Oh. Tremere, Arrogant Scheming Mage at your service!

SAULOT: Hang on, you're not supposed to be here until A.D 1314!

TREMERE: So? I'm an Oracle of Time. I'll be when I want.

VENTRUE: A mortal, eh? Hey, Tremere!

TREMERE: Yeah?

VENTRUE: GET OUT.

TREMERE: Sure. <slam> <muffled> Damn. Must learn how to do that.

VENTRUE: Now, we might be onto something with this "curse" business. We haven't heard from Gangrel yet, and we need a female opinion at this juncture. What do you think, Gangrel?

<silence>

VENTRUE: Gangrel?

<more silence>

VENTRUE: Anybody seen Gangrel?

RAVNOS: Errr, actually, we've had a bit of a disagreement...

MALKAV: Awww, doesn't Mummy wuv you any more?

RAVNOS: Suck off.

MALKAV: DOES she do it doggy-style?

<biff>

RAVNOS: Thank you, Brujah.

BRUJAH: No prob, bro.

VENTRUE: Okay, so what gives with this curse thing?

SAULOT: Well, they say that the first two sons of the first man had to give offerings to God. The first brother gave plants and stuff, and the second brother gave animal blood.

ALL: Yeah! Alright! Sounds great! Cool!

SAULOT: So the older one -- Cain, I think -- killed Abel, the younger one, and was cursed by God for the very first murder.

HASSAM: Innovative man, this Cain.

SUTEKH: Ssso, we're dessscended from a psssychopathic greengrocccer. How about we're dessscended from the MURDERED one, ssso that we are the CHOSSSEN of God,
the INHERITORSSS of DIVINE POWER, the--

MALKAV: You REALLY have a God complex, don't you Sutekh? Tell me about your mother. Did she lock you in a cupboard? Or--

<biff>

BRUJAH: Final warning, kook.

VENTRUE: Sutekh, please, stop standing on your chair.

TREMERE: I like the "cursed by God" thing, actually.

VENTRUE: How did YOU get in here?

TREMERE: Correspondence. Don't you know ANYTHING? Hey, Saulot!

SAULOT: Yeah?

TREMERE: I JUST worked out where I've seen you before. Could I have a word with you outside? It won't take more than five minutes. Promise.

SAULOT: Sure. You seem like a decent enough fellow.

<slam>

LASOMBRA: Wonder what he wants ... anyway ...

TOREADOR: I think I prefer the older brother. He's a charming, regal figure who diligently sacrifices for his Lord, but is consumed by jealousy into a desperate act -- which he regrets later, of course -- but TOO LATE to avoid the harsh judgment of an UNCARING God, and is DOOMED to wander the earth, OUTCAST from his fellow man! Oh, the horror! Oh, the HUMANITY! Oh, the ANGST!

BRUJAH: What's an "angst"?

SUTEKH: Oh, it'sss a kind of a crossss, but with a loopy bit on top. My guysss love 'em.

BRUJAH: Oh. <pause> I don't get it ...

TOREADOR: Philistines.

<scream from outside>

TZIMISCE: Vat the hell vas that?

NOSFERATU: Sounded like Saulot. HEY! YOU GUYS SHUT UP OUT THERE!

<door opens>

TREMERE: Oh, sorry, uhhh ... Saulot says to say that, uhh, he... had to leave -- real quick, like ... uhhh, but he was REAL happy about it, and, uhhh, he was glad he caught up with you guys again.

NOSFERATU: Is it me, or does he look kinda pale?

VENTRUE: Who cares? Getting back to this curse thing ...

LASOMBRA: So, are we his direct Progeny, then? 'Cos if so, how come we don't know where he is now?

MALKAV: Errr, he made us, then ran away. Really fast.

RAVNOS: No, no, no, he made some OTHER guys first, and then THEY made US ...

TOREADOR: And he repented of The Horror He Had Unleashed Upon The Earth! And banished himself from the sight of ALL!

MALKAV: AND ran away really fast.

TOREADOR: If you must.

VENTRUE: But how come we're all so different?

TOREADOR: The Curse works in Mysterious Ways ...

NOSFERATU: Yeah! I used to be the most handsome man in the world...

RAVNOS: Yeah, right.

LASOMBRA: And I had a reflection!

BRUJAH: Can I have been a philosopher?

RAVNOS: And Toreador used to have taste ...

MALKAV: And I used to be insane!

<silence>

VENTRUE: I think we might be pushing our luck here.

SUTEKH: Any BETTER ideasss?

VENTRUE: Well, let's put it to a vote, then. Magick?

TREMERE: Aye.

VENTRUE: That's one.

<silence>

VENTRUE: Okay, aliens from the planet Yuggoth?

MALKAV: Twenty-three.

VENTRUE: Your multiple personalities don't count, Malkav.

MALKAV: Awww ...

VENTRUE: The chosen son of God? ... Sutekh, Lasombra, Tzimisce. Any others?

HASSAM: Aye.

VENTRUE: Okay, that's four. Cursed children of a psychopathic green-grocer? ... That's four, plus myself, five.

<groans>

LASOMBRA: Swinging the vote, you black-balling bureaucrat!

VENTRUE: If you don't like it, go and form your OWN group.

LASOMBRA: Maybe I will.

VENTRUE: Okay, then, I charge all of you to disperse this data to your Progeny, and I'll have MY people send out memos in triplicate to YOUR people before the start of the next fiscal year. Meeting adjourned! <banging noise, general muttering and shuffling>
Drinks anyone?

MALKAV: I think Tremere just ate. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaahhhh...

TZIMISCE: Vy did you throw him out ze window, Bruhah?

BRUJAH: I dunno, man, just something I had to do ...<sulking> None of you understand me, anyway ...

HASSAM: <whispered> Hey, Tremere!

TREMERE: What?

HASSAM: Saulot -- you did him in, didn't you? You nuffed him. Sucked him dry.

TREMERE: Uhhh ... yeah, I did.

<silence>

HASSAM: What's it like?

--- FIN ---

Copyright (c) Colin Smith, Sean Halligan, Wayne Jennings, Leonard King
11/1993

They sit there squawking like chickens in a hen house. "I still say we play ShadowRun." says one. "So John, that loser guy I work with, walks up to me the other day" chatters another. "We could roll the dice to see what game we play." "Actually let’s stick with Vampires, I bought up my third dot in Dominate and I want to try it out." "We could use the same characters and transpose them into Shadowrun" "But our characters wouldn’t rise in power and that’s the fun." "No it isn't, it's the playing that's fun." "I tell the guy that I can’t move on the sales order because purchasing never gave me a serial number.."

My head is swelling with pain.

"I still say we play Shadowrun."

I have an adventure that took me 5 hours to create. He doesn't care, he wants to play Shadowrun. He agreed to play Vampires "the next time". It IS the next time.

"Well we all want to play Vampires" I say, "and that’s what we are going to play."

"But ShadowRun is much more fun."

The pain…the pain....It goes on for an hour. We agree to Vampires finally.

"Ok." I say "I would like to start now. Are you guys ready?"

I don’t think they heard me. I feel like I’m in a high school cafeteria at lunch time

"So John just looks at me and asks why didn’t I call Purchasing. It’s not my job to call them, I told him", "Anybody know how much it costs to buy up Abilities?", "I still say we play ShadowRun, I know you guys will like it." "3 for the first dot and 2 times thereafter.", "So John
says that the customer is expecting the shipment by tomorrow., so I told him ¡Well that is not going to happen now is it?, "So it costs 5 XPs to buy level 2?" "Last time we played ShadowRun, I did 29 points of damage with my uzi, you can’t do that in Vampires." "No! It costs 2 for the second dot because it is 1 times 2. Get it?" "So John says he’ll call the customer after I clear things up with purchasing. I swear this guy must be deaf. I don’t talk to purchasing! I said",

"GUYS!"

They look at me blankly.

"Uh…Can we start?"

I tell them that they are standing before the Prince. At least they are not squawking anymore, but my headache isn’t going away.

"Wait! How come we are here already? I wanted to do something beforehand.", "What’s the Prince’s name again?", "Can I have some dice?", "I use Aura Perception on the Prince.", "I look around the room, is there a sword I can take?"

This was not supposed to be a complicated scene. The Prince talks, the characters listen. Why is this so difficult? Ow! My head!

I take on the dark menacing tone of the Prince "I need you kindred to find out information on a man named Alfred Dundly, he is causing certain problems in my enterprises. Find out who he is and who he works for. I think you should go to Joe’s Bar for some info. That would be a good place to start."

"Who’s Alfred Dundly? Does my character know?", "What’s in it for us?", "Why don’t you just kill him?", "Why are you asking us?", "Hey can the Prince teach me Celerity?", "Why doesn’t the Prince find out for himself?", "How do you spell Alfred Dundly?"

Somehow, I answer all the players questions without having an aneurysm pop in my brain.

"Ok, you guys leave the Prince’s haven. What do you wish to do now?"

"My character goes to see his Sire.", "My character goes to the court house.","My character tries to find a phone book." "Wait! I forgot to ask the Prince something. Can I go back?"

Oh no! They want to separate! Shit, I hate it when they do that. Why can’t they make my life easier? WHY? I was hoping that they would go to Joe’s Bar, but instead I painstakingly pull them each aside and tell them each some tidbit of information. I tell them that before they
separated, they agreed to meet in an hour at Joe’s Bar.

"Ok," I say, "so you guys are sitting together in a secluded booth at Joe’s Bar."

The players are starting to talk amongst themselves. One tells the group everything he’s learned. Another lies and says he didn’t learn anything, preferring to keep the information to himself. One player pulls me aside and asks me to repeat what I just told him. While I’m aside another player contorts the information I gave him leading the others to believe that Alfred Dundly is a Methuselah, when in actual fact, he is just a mortal acting under Dominate. After they finish talking, they look at me blankly again.

"So what happens now?" They ask

"That depends." I answer, "What do you guys do?"

Another hour passes. During which I manage to circumvent a meaningless bar brawl which started when one player tried to feed from a good looking girl who’s boyfriend happened to be at the bar. It took 15 minutes for the fight and another 45 minutes to argue why lifting an entire booth off its moorings on the floor constituted as a breach of the Masquerade.

I am in serious need of a Tylenol.

"Ok. Ok. Let’s find this guy and get this over with.", "We still don’t know where he lives." "That’s because we’re not supposed to find him." "We’re not?", "No! We’re supposed to find information about him, that’s all" "That’s not what the Prince said." "Yes it is", "No it isn’t",
"YES IT IS!" "Storyteller?"

They turn silent and all look at me. Now I am to play the role of the rewind button on a VCR. I wish they would take notes. I can’t imagine their characters surviving the centuries as vampires. The players can’t even remember what they had for breakfast this morning!

I’m struggling with the asprin bottle. God damn these childproof caps!

Another 30 minutes pass, 5 of which is taken up waiting for a player who is searching for his favorite die, that rolled underneath the fridge. At this rate, I’ll never finish this story. Not that the players mind. More XP for them. The group manages to follow a clue which takes them to the Omnicron Corp. building (one player laughs, saying I stole that name from the RoboCop movie).

‘Alright, you are standing in front of the Omnicron Corp Building." I say. "What do you guys do now?"

"We wait and watch the entrance of the building."

"Ok, it is dark, and the building seems to be shut down for the night.No one is walking in or out. What do you guys do now?"

"We wait some more."

I am a little bit confused at this tactic. The building is a simple office building. There is no one inside (apart from security and perhaps some janitors), but I play along.

"Ok." I say "After 10 minutes, no one has walked in or out of the building. What do you guys do now?"

"We wait some more."

What the F*@# are they expecting!?!?! A Mariachi band to parade out?!

Ow! My head

"Ok" I say again. "Another 10 minutes pass by. No one is entering the building, No one is leaving the building. There is absolutely no one around. The street looks deserted. The building looks deserted. All the lights in the building except for the main lobby look turned off, which
is typical for this time of night."

One player(the one that kept insisting we play ShadowRun) gets bored and goes and lies down on the couch. I am about to lose it.

"You mind sitting at the table with the rest of us." I say.

"Why? I can hear everything from here."

I let him lie there. Even though I am pissed off with him, I am determined to not let this interrupt the game for the others.

"Sunrise is in 6 hours guys." I say "Are your characters planning on waiting outside this building until dawn?"

They just look at each other. One of them gets the idea of walking around the building. I pull him aside to tell him what he sees. He sits back down at the table and reports to the others;

"The building is square."

Watching the players figure out that all they have to do is simply walk into the lobby and talk to the security guy is like watching them trying to figure out a Zen riddle. They finally decide to go out on a limb and walk inside the building. I have the security guard confront them. He asks what their business is here and if he can help them. A very simple situation. Even a mortal high on dope can talk his way out of this, but not these brainiacs. They pull out their guns and claws. The player that was lying on the couch all of sudden wakes up and comes to the table) The security guard is not even armed. He stands as muchof a chance as a substitute teacher in a reform high school. Within a couple of dice rolls, he is dead.

"Quick search the body!" They yell.

"Searching the body reveals a set of keys"

"Ooh! Ooh! Take the keys!"

"You also find a walkie-talkie"

"Ooh! Ooh!! Take the walkie-talkie"

"You also find a wallet."

"Ooh! Ooh! Take the wallet!"

"As you pick up the wallet it flips open revealing a picture of what appears to be the security guard with his arms over the shoulder of a woman with two smiling children in front of them."

The next 15 minutes is spent explaining why they each have to make a Conscience check.

"But my character didn’t touch him.", "I’m a Brujah, I kill people all the time, I shouldn’t have to check my Conscience.", "What happens if I botch?", "This is why I prefer ShadowRun.", "But my character used to be a hit man.", "I didn’t deal the killing blow", "It’s his fault, he started it.", "No I didn’t!", "I thought he had a gun, didn’t the Storyteller say he had a gun?", "But I am on the path of the Honorable Accord."

I’m using every once of my strength to keep my cool. I should have known better. This happens every freaking time the issue of Humanity comes up. And they wonder why I don’t use any mortal NPCs. I think that the Prince would have them all put to the torch right about now for their stupidities.

"Is there a booth or a console that this security guy sits at?"

At last! An intelligent question. I describe a large console-like desk area right in front of the entrance in the center of the lobby. Unfortunately, this proves to be another red herring. The characters rush to poke around the console area.

"Is there a computer?" "Are there any camera monitors?" "Is there a directory?" "Is there a phone?" "How big is the console?" "Does it have any drawers?" "I’m hungry, can we order some pizza?" "Are there any visitor’s passes?", "What’s the name of this building again?", "Who are we looking for again?*

I tell them that there are several VCRs recording camera shots of different areas of the building, INCLUDING the front lobby. They understand the implication. They were all caught on video killing the security guard. One player asks if he can record over the taped portion of them murdering the security guard. I ask him to roll his Intelligence + Security.

"I don’t have Security. Anybody else got Security?"

All there heads look down at there respective character sheets.

"I have two dots!" One of them yells.

Feeling triumphant, he rolls his precious dice.

"3 successes!" He yells.

They all look at me eagerly, expecting me to tell them something good. I have just swallowed a couple of pills, but my head is still pulsating.

"Your character realizes that given time and the proper equipment, you could tape over the incriminating evidence, however, the best you can do now is pop out the video tape and take it with you." I say

"What?! But I got three successes!"

"So?"

"So I was hoping to fix the tape here so that it shows that nothing happened. I don’t want anybody to know we’ve been here."

I can’t take it anymore.

"Well for starters, maybe you guys should try dealing with the blood splattered body that is lying in the lobby right now!"

They sit there and sulk.

One of the players looks at the others "This is the Storytellers way of punishing us?"

I look at him. I can’t believe he said that! Acting stupid is one thing, but trying to piss off the Storyteller is not my definition of wisdom. Now I’m mad. I’m mad, I have a headache, it’s getting late, and this story is nowhere close to being finished. However, I can’t let the player get away with that comment.

"Suddenly," I say, trying to keep my composure. "The walkie-talkie you guys so expertly pilfered off the dead guy, begins crackling as a voice comes through; ¡Security 1 this is security 2. Ray are you there?"

The other players roll their eyes and mutter some expletives. Fortunately one of them takes this opportunity to re-enact that Star Wars scene where Han and Luke are busting into the detention block on the Death Star to rescue Princess Leia.

"Uh..uh..hello. Situation normal, we are all fine here thank you. How are you?"

They have a good laugh. Ok, perhaps a little comic relief is deserved here. Unfortunately, the players are all Star Wars fans. The next 20 minutes is gobbled up by everyone quoting their favorite lines from the Star Wars movies.

"Sister? So, you have a sister.", "Luke. I am your father.", "It’s not my fault!", "These are not the droids your looking for., "Scruffy-looking nerf herder!", "Get in there! I don’t care what you
smell!", *Eat! Eat! For the Jedi it is time to eat as well.",

"Hey, I thought we were going to order some pizza."

It’s amazing how much they can amuse themselves. Sometimes I wonder if they need me at all. I try to bring them back into this game. Maybe I should have taken two aspirins instead of one.

Finally they get back into this game, but by now they are all weary. I’m willing to bet that if anybody walks up to them and says "Hi! I’m Alfred Dundly.", they would kill him. Maybe I should stop the session here? But the characters haven’t really done anything. Maybe I should
just have the cops show up to spice things up a little, but that would really mess up the story. Maybe I’ll just ask

"Guys do you think we should stop?"

"Why? What time is it?", "Ok, but next week we’re going to play ShadowRun, right?", "What!? No pizza!?", "Hey, I’m missing some dice. Do you have my dice?", "So do we find Alfred Dundly or what?", "If it’s over can I use your phone?", "But there was no fighting.", "Before we
stop, my character wants to go see his Sire again.", "Can I borrow the Player’s Guide?", "Can you give me my XPs first?"

sigh

VAMPIRE

How many Ventrue does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "My influence over the electric company guarantees that my lightbulbs will already be screwed in!"

How many Toreadors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Trick question. Toreadors screw in hotel rooms, not lightbulbs.

How many Malkavians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Fish!

How many Tremere does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Who needs lightbulbs when you can set your hand on fire! Whee!"

How many Lasombra does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who knows. By the time you turn the lights on, they're all gone.

How many Ravnos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "HEY! Come back here with that lightbulb!"

How many Tzimisce does it take screw in a lightbulb? "Who needs lightbulbs when you can have the whole lamp grafted to your forehead! WAHAHAHAH!"

How many Nosferatu does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Lightbulbs in the sewers, what planet are you from?"

How many Brujah does it take to screw in a lightbulb? *crash* tinkle tinkle

How many Giovanni does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four. One to screw in the lightbulb, one to hold the ladder, and two to watch ass while they're doing it.

How many Gangrel does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "I 've done that before alone... oh, wait, you said LIGHTBULBS? I thought you said LUPINES.

How many Followers of Set does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Sssssix or ssssseven.

How many Assamites does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. It only takes one Assamite to screw anything.

WEREWOLF

How many Black Furies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "We get a man to do it for us. (they have to be good for something!)"

How many Red Talons does it take to screw in a lightbulb? see Brujah

How many Silent Striders does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "..."

How many Glass Walkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? see Ventrue

How many Bone Gnawers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "You have electricity? Cool!"

How many Fianna does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Who knows. The lights are spinning to fast to screw them in.

How many Shadow Lords does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "You will not know the lightbulbs have been screwed in until it is too late, and when you do discover it, it shall be by our hand! BWA HA HA HA HA HA! (see also, Lasombra)

How many Get of Fenris does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Lightbulbs are of the Wyrm."

How many Uktena does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Who needs lightbulbs in the Umbra?"

How many Children of Gaia does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Seek the answer yourself, my child."

How many Stargazers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Our lightbulbs are the lights of the heavens, my friend."

How many Silver Fangs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Lightbulbs are beneath us."

How many Wendigo does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Lightbulbs are an invention of the white man."

How many Black Spiral Dancers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Is that before, or after the dance?"

How many White Howlers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Whatever's left.

How many Croatans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? We don't know, but the Uktena and Wendigo sure would like to.

CHANGELING

How many Boggans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, as long as you're not watching him.

How many Nockers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Go screw yourself."

How many Redcaps does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Mmmmm... lightbulb."

How many Pooka does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "The lightbulbs have already been screwed in, didn't you notice?"

How many Sidhe does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Boy, screw this
lightbulb in for me."

How many Satyrs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? As many as you can fit, AWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH.

How many Sluagh does it take to screw in a lightbulb? See Nosferatu.

How many Trolls does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "I hate checking Christmas tree lights."

How many Eshu does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Let me tell you the story of the time I screwed in a lightbulb..."

MAGE

How many Celestial Chorus does it take to screw in a light bulb? "Light is my sword to stab at the darkness through and through...Oh light bulb please, screw, screw screw!"

How many Euthanatos does it take to screw in a lightbulb? *You don’t want me to screw in a light bulb, chances are I’ll screw in a dead bulb."

How many Sons of Ether does it take to screw in a light bulb? " Light Bulb!? No no no. See, I got something much better...Igor!...Raise the lightning rods!"

How many Verbanna does it take to screw in a light bulb? "I can tell you...I just need some toad warts, some bat wings and a bull’s testicle...Will you be needing that finger?"

How many Cult of Ecstasy does it take to screw in a light bulb? "Honey. You know I much prefer to do it in the dark."

How many Akashic Brothers does it take to screw in a light Bulb?" "Ah! But young grasshopper, you must seize this opportunity to learn blind fighting technique."

How many Order of Hermes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "What do you think we built Stone Hedge for? Sheesh! Do I have to explain everything!?"

How many Dream Speakers does it to screw in a light bulb? "Zzzzzzz...Huh, what?"

How many Virtual Adepts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? "Check out my 686 with the PCX 150 extender. I swapped the 7013 chip for the 7015 chip. we’re talking power baby!...What’s that?...A lightbulb?...Shit I don’t know how to do that."

How many Hollow Ones does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but I promise you he'll bitch about it.

#10 In the last D&D adventure I was DMing, the party had slain a an evil lich and got in the good graces of their gods(A party of priests and Palidans). Naturally they considered themselves tough and unbeatable. At the beginning of this adventure they stumbled into a town which seemed to be full of ghouls, zombies, ghosts, demons, and vampires running amok. The priests tried turning and exorcising the creatures, but it wasn*t working. They concluded that something in the town was protecting the creatures from their faith so they proceeded the old fashioned way and in a suprisingly short time laid waste to the entire town. It was only after that they realized that the town was celebrating one of their holidays which is the equivalent to halloween.

#9 I was a cleric in an AD&D campaign whose travels included a visit to a temple of Apollo. My party needed information, so where better ? During the course of our visit the High Priest attempted to convert me to the ways of Apollo. I brashly replied, "Dionysus, my God, serves me well." My DM and others burst with laughter, and I had no idea why, until I tried to cast a spell. I was given a visitation by an avatar who proceeded to explain to me that I serve Dionysus and not the other
way around. for the next several months my spells were only occasionally available. I became a much more pious priest after that.

#8 In an AD&D campaign I was running, I had a player trying to seduce a thief that was also trying to seduce him. The character fell asleep and awoke to find all of his clothes were stolen. Quick on the draw, he slipped on the dress that the thief left, ran outside and caught her. They got into a cat fight (which he lost) and was promptly arrested for prostitution, indecent exposure and cross dressing. All of this with a mission to go on to the next morning.

#7 The party is riding across rolling plains. Atop a hill, they spy four measly orcs looking down at them. So, using long range weapons and spells, they slaughter the poor creatures. Now, being the greedy sort, the rush up the hill to search the bodies. It was at that point that they realized these four orcs were the fore-guard of an orcish horde, who was two hills away, looking at the six measly characters atop the hill...

#6 My mage character once needed some sulfur for his spells and so pulled into a nearby town to buy some at the alchemist's shop. After he bought some, and after the spells failed, I charged into the local magistrate's office and demanded that the alchemist be shut down for selling bad goods. The magistrate took a look and agreed that the powder wasn't sulfur. It was actually a local narcotic (and highly illegal). I was in jail for a fair while before my friends could rescue me. If I find that alchemist "HE'S DEAD!"

#5 We had spent all night trying to delve our way deep inside a magician's stronghold and felt we were getting close to some fabulous magic when we found his personal chambers. Set into one wall was a beautifully carved marble fountain. Our mage cast detect magic and the thing veritably glowed. Our thief tasted the water and it had an unidentifiable taste to it, but he seemed healthy and felt fine. We spent half an hour trying to determine its purpose but finally surrendered. We filled our empty canteens and were about to leave when we heard someone approaching. We hid and watched as a servant came into the room, dropped his pants, and relieved himself into the urinal.

#4 The group was on a large ship in the ocean, when messenger riding a drake (a smaller version of a dragon with no breath weapons) appeared on the horizon. The group proceeded to kill the drake and the messenger without even giving them a chance to identify themselves. Needless to say they never got the message and now a year (real time) later they still have no clue what the message was about.

#3 Word to the Wise: The Orcish "Fertility-Festival" is not about crops

#2 The diplomatic mission worked out great and we had convinced the Dwarven King to commit an army to our cause. We told the army leaders to march towards and camp outside this friendly city while my party and I continued on to another kingdom. We returned to the friendly city to find out that the inhabitants, who saw the army of dwarves marching towards their city, figured them to be an invading army and launched a volley of arrows and catapults at them. We forgot to warn the city in advance that this army was merely passing through.

#1 "No! No! NO! Loot first then burn"