Titanic....Retold I got this E-mail and although I personaly like Titanic...I have to admit I found it very amusing....
Ahem..... and now Titanic, had it been written by Kosuke Fugisama, creator of such lovable Japanese classics as "Be Free" and "You're Under Arrest!!" in the tradition that is the art of Anime (Japanese Animation).... > > TITANIC > > > > (Scene 1) > > KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it? > > > > KATE'S WEASEL-LIKE FIANCEE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art > > you asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will amount to nothing. Ha Ha Ha (scratches head) > > > > KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience, because > > they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat. > > > > LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have > > seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very pretty Do you know what i'm saying?? > > > > KATE: Thank you. So are you. > > > > LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back > > again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be > > soaking wet with water. > > > > KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here > > and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until > > the boat sinks and people start dying. > > > > WEASEL-LIKE FIANCEE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even > > though you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and > > treat you like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be > > physically abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the > > audience really hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely > > one-dimensional, perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water like the weary fishes that they are. > > > > AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at > > least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate,and so > > therefore > > we hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is > > coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even > > though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!) > > > > *** > > > > > > (Scene 2) > > > > LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat > > on your fiancee. > > > > KATE: I too am glad for that. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a > > commitment to marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb > > into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The > > fact that I am the heroine of the movie will no doubt help the > > cattle-like > > audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry > > indeed if my fiancee were to do the same thing to me. > > > > AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo! > > > > LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of > > course you have to take off your clothes. > > > > KATE: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at > > all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not > > stand for that sort of thing? > > > > LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks > > the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in > > Provo will sell out. > > > > NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is > > exactly what happened. > > ALL: HA HA HA! > > KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor) > > > > *** > > > > > > > > (Scene 3) > > > > FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg. > > > > CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of > > drinking) > > > > ICEBERG: (hits boat) > > > > FIRST MATE: That can't be good. > > > > CAPTAIN: Bottoms up! > > > > AUDIENCE: (silence) > > > > FIRST MATE: That was irony, you silly fools. > > > > AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo? > > > > *** > > > > > > (Scene 4) > > > > > > LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking. > > > > KATE: That is terrible. > > > > LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified > > behavior? > > > > KATE: Certainly. > > > > WEASEL-LIKE FIANCEE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal > > here: (to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my > > morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality, I am > > going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon be > > filling with water, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I > > believe has been mentioned previously. > > > > LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me? > > > > WEASEL-LIKE FIANCEE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape > > and save Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway- > > > > AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo! > > > > LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed. > > > > AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed. > > > > WEASEL-LIKE FIANCEE: I hate you people. > > > > *** > > > > > > > > (Scene 5) > > > > > > 150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my > > evil fiancee and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, > > if it hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an > > actual lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's > > pretty much dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and > > who's making my supper? I need a bath. Turn down that background > > music, it's making my ears hurt. You kids today, with your loud > > music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away from me, Mr. > > Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I > > had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back > > here! > >( Audience laughing heartily at 150 year-old Kate's frailty and ill-temperament. Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.) > >