Genesis: what really happened or What those repressed little bespectacled female spinster Sunday school teachers refused to tell you
All that has been in this world existed a long time ago in a galaxy so far off that only rocket scientists would be able to conceive the distances involved. This was an all-embracing all of mammoth proportions, an all which was not just a word but an entire universe, not an all which is merely to be understood as a piece of litter on the floor which Hungarian-bred Doberman dogs casually piss on. It was an all which happened on a lovely summer's day, as if by sheer chance. It was what you might call a fluke, an indescribably odd freak of nature. Last year, during a Latvian seance, I was blessed with the opportunity to talk to Sibelius, that all-knowing but unfortunately dead Greek prophet. His ghost spirit told me of the happenings which made our duplicate world come into existence. According to Sibelius, God was one day in his orchard, reading the small ads in the local paper. It was a pleasant sunny day and God was drinking cheap grappa. By and by the seconds, minutes and hours passed and God, being bored, was drinking as much grappa as he could pour down his divine throat. The naked God then fell asleep, only to have his arse burnt good and proper by the savage sun which did not want to miss an opportunity to get one over on the almighty. When God awoke he saw that his arse was red and that it was not good, so he went to the chemists to get some anti-arseburn cream and returned to his apple-tree orchard to soothe his burnt cheeks. As he was rubbing himself with cream the devil appeared and started laughing at God, which embarrassed him greatly. He had to think quick as there was no way that he could allow Satan to ridicule him so much. Taking an apple off one of his favourite trees he uttered the magic words 'Abracadabra, Bridget Bardo' and low and behold, woman, in the form of Bridget Bardo, who was later to be know as simply as Eve, was born. Giving Bridget the cream he said 'Bridget, can you please rub this into by burned arse so that Lucifer will stop laughing at me', which she dutifully did. This displeased the devil greatly as it was evident that God was now a superior being as he had attracted the attentions of the one and only woman in Paradise. He was even giving Bridget grappa and as she was only an amateur drinker it was clear that she would soon be drunk and God would then whisk her off to his Palace in the clouds to give her a good seeing to. So, whilst the almighty was not looking, he took an apple and uttered the magic words ''Abracadabra, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart'. Out of nowhere appeared Mozart, the first man who was soon to be known as Penis, playing the overture to The Marriage of Figaro on a silver flute. The music caught the attention of Bridget. When she set her eyes on little Wolfgang it was a case of love at first sight. In no time at all, they were running away together, out of the Garden of Eden and into the Egyptian wilderness. God was really annoyed with the devil, who was rolling around on the floor completely beside himself with laughter. So pissed off was God that he tried to get Lucifer with some lightening bolts, but they all missed and merely scorched the grass in the orchard. All that God could do was to finish off the grappa and fall asleep in the shade.
This was only the beginning of creation. As everyone knows, man evolved from the swamps, and this is indeed exactly what happened. But to evolve complex genetic material is required and no smart-alec scientist has ever been able to provide an explanation of how this immortal material came into the world and brought about evolution. Although nasty Sunday school teachers have warped the truth of what really happened in Eden in order to fuel their anti-sexuality and anti-alcohol propaganda the reality of the situation can now be revealed to the world thanks to Sibelius. After living together for fourteen years Bridget and Wolfgang, who had changed their names to Adam and Eve to prevent God from tracking them down and taking his revenge on them, got bored of each other and of themselves. Life was a complete and utter waste of time because it was senseless. The only food they had was boiled tadpoles and banana fritters, they had become so frustrated and pissed off with each other that every little bagatelle lead to a major conflict. So they decided to go their own way by embarking on the path of Derridaian deconstruction. Getting back to the roots of their existence would be the only way to live a fulfilled life as they had spent the last fourteen years either screwing each other, arguing about shit marks on the toilet or eating tadpoles. The break inevitably came when Eve went to live in the trees. She did this because the intense boredom had caused her to suffer from converse height anxiety. Adam, free of the restrictive Eve, took the opportunity to fulfil a life-long ambition and went to the great African swamp known as Botswana. He sat on the edge of this swamp for many months, eating tadpoles and thinking. Though, thought, thought and more thought was the only experience he had and when he reached a certain mental boundary his body started to change. He shed his human skin and threw it into the swamp, for he had developed crocodile-like scales. This he hated, because it was clear that he was an imperfect being created by Satan. So he thought and though more and in time the scales fell into the swamp as he developed horse-like hair. He had become the cloven Pan. This was however in no way preferable to a crocodile. Fraught with desperation, Adam's intense thought sent him tumbling through the universe, metamorphosing almost on a daily basis. The debris of Pan, of the crocodile, of fish-man, of bird-man, of the evil Lucifer, of tadpole-man, of the greatest philosophers ever to live, of the dirtiest, cheapest whores ever to populate the world, of God and finally of Adolf Hitler was shed from Adam's deformed body and it all fell into the primeval swamp. On the last day of the meditation Adam had reached the logical end. In a crying rage he shed off Hitler, the last stage in the process of regression. As Hitler fell into the swamp a sole penis fell to the ground. This was man, Adam, Eve, God, the devil and belief itself. Fearing for its own safety the penis developed gills and followed its ancestors into the swamp. Thus Adam, by the sheer unstoppable power of thought, had created all the DNA necessary for life on earth. Two years later Eve went in search of Adam, but she could not find him. After fifty days of searching she went crazy and drowned herself in the swamp, where the Penis found her and mated most necrophiliac-like with her, releasing her DNA into the swamp, which was greedily consumed by algae. This was the beginning of the so-called much maligned Slow Second Genesis, for after two million years of gestation birds, fish, horses, crocodiles and man arose from the swamp and conquered the world. This is the word of Jean Sibelius, praise be to him.
I was so overjoyed by the news that my good ghostly friend Jean Sibelius had imparted that I was thrown across the room. Thinking about Eve had given me a wicked hard-on which had to be combated. I kept thinking to myself to myself "Eve the swamp-slut ... Eve the swamp-slut". I was locked in my room by my hard-on, which was blocking the way into my pocket to get my keys out. Every time I tried to extract my keys I thought of Eve and my hand got stuck in a no-man's land between high-eroticism as only the Greek philosophers knew how to enjoy and the mythical cheese of the infamous man in the moon. Hours and hours passed. I was faced with a stalemate of intensely irresolvable proportions. My pocket was the swamp and Eve was there, but not there and the only way to get my keys would be to surgically remove the erection. In a state of desperation I threw myself to the floor, where I fell asleep. This turned out to be a terrible mistake as I had unwittingly opened the way for malicious dreams to fuck with my head. The dreams appeared on the scene as soon as I entered the realm of the subconscious and were most ecstatic, for they hardly get the chance to take advantage of a dilapidated me and when they do they go full-throttle for the kill. It is unimaginable, but what these malicious little bastards managed to do this time was to inflict on me an act of such cruelty that I thought I would only recover by endlessly consuming Bowel's Life of Dr. Johnson in order to medicate myself via the exquisite gift of lexicology. As I lay on the floorboards the dreams located a knothole in one of the planks and manoeuvred me into position. Next, they fed me the illusion that the plank consisted of the true matter of Eve and in no time I had pushed the knot out with my knob and I was copulating with the false Eve-plank. Just before I was about to reach a joyous orgasm which would have been the very solution to my problem the dreams woke me and I fell from the subconscious train of illusion into bitter reality.
The sight I beheld on awaking was awesome in its depravity, for my bloody, splinter-rid member was caught in the floor. The dreams scurried away, laughing themselves stupid. For exactly one week I remained stuck to the floor. The only way to release myself was to siphon off the blood pumped into my penis into a glass jar, a painful process which took two hours. But I was free and my member was deflated. In a furious rush I left my apartment to go and look up Dr Lumberjack, who was my last chance if I wanted to save my manhood. Using his skill my blood was telepathically transfused back into my body and one million miniature splinters were removed from between my legs by his well-trained flea surgeons. For his services I had to cough up one pound of flesh. I went on my way, relieved and also happy that I had been granted the opportunity to pay for the sins of mankind in this most bizarre method.
