i feel like going a little nutty right now. i should be doing work but am totally disinterested in doing any of that stupid stuff. machines and servers and code and crap. fuck it. so i'm drinking coffee and listening to drum and bass'. yeah i know i drink way too much coffee and then get hyper and write crazy stuff like this. but so what. but, but. i was reading this girl's journal entry and i wanted to talk to her or maybe make her listen to me and say "hey we are both basically the same, we both have problems, we both have web journals, dammit we both are human beings and i understand your pain and stuff along these lines. i just wanted her to like me so much, i don't know why. analytically i don't think she's my kind of a person, but still i want her to like me. she's my latest net journal crush. i don't know why but reading net journals especially of girls where they sob and cry and gush their poor little hearts and aspirations out, makes me like them a whole lot. and then i want them to like me and care about me. you get the picture. so very very bad. pathetick. what? say what?
sat. night i went to see jah works and the all mighty senators. but i don't really want to talk about it. i don't have the energy or the desire. i want to write words and watch them flow in my computer screen, where do these words come from in the brain, the cerebral cortex, flow little words...yeah...yeah....yeah. experimental writing to the extreme, picture this or that, snowboarding high fliers jumping off pristine white cliffs 30-40 feet down to the slope, trigerring avalanches, running from it all, lifes a gamble, live or die, you flip the coin. communication sucks, i want to discommunicate with people, present a front which does not exist except in my head and maybe then it becomes a reality, our pretenses defining our true self...no i don't really believe that. there is our deeper self and once i/you get to know each other better and better we can dig through all the lies and the bullshit to what's really real. the heart of all our desires.
but what if you desire nothing, if nothing meets your expectations, if all you have is Nothing. The Null Man...the tantalizing and titillating adventures of the Null Man.
Superman meets Null Man in a dive bar. S: a pint of rolling rock and one here for the buxom lady by my side. (a little flash of activity, S strips, does her in 10 seconds, puts the suit back on.) Buxom lass: oooh superman! you really are super. S: please shut up, as i have to talk to my friend Null man now. N: sup youre a dick. S(looking hard at Null man): you want me to kick you fairy ass, faggot. N just looks down at his beer and takes another sip. S: so i was in a bar in turkey and i drank too much and smoked too much hash and then i got into a fight. i punched the guy one time and caved his entire face in. he fell to the floor dead as shit. N: you mean, dead as a dead chicken with a broken neck. S: what.. N: never mind. what happens when you kill a man? S: nothing numbnuts, i'm superman i can do whatever the fuck i want. N: so you can go around killing, raping and destroying and no consequences. S: you would think so wouldn't you. but like everyone else i want to be loved and liked, so ofcourse i'm just an average nice guy. N: but you just killed a man. S: well he was turkish anyway, maybe even a kurd...hey in all this time that i've known you i've never seen you use your super powers. what are they exactly? N: i nullify stuff. S: what? N: i take all my negative and positive matter and disintegrate it into nothing. S (shakes his head): youre not a super hero. you couldn't even kick this bartender's ass. N: probably. S: youre just a nobody then. N: right, youre getting closer. S: what the fuck do you mean? N: nothing. S: no i want to know goddammit. now! N says nothing. S waits for a few seconds, then smashes his fist through the bar table, throws the bartender to the back of the room and then looks at N again. Nothing.
Yeah, I know at this point youre probably asking me what the point of this story is. Who won in this confrontation between Superman and the Null man? Actually really i don't know, it doesn't really matter does it. i mean really...