Updated November 9, 2000

To whom it may concern,

Striving for purity is my life...  Seeking truth by purity is my goal...  Living by a strict philosophy that is "Straight Edge" and veganism is my means of attaining this goal...  It's not a fad, or a trend, or something that you can just stop doing...  It's a lifestyle...  A life choice that you take on...  You choose to take it to better yourself...  You can't deviate from the grand scheme once you start...  Nor can anyone or anything change my course along the way...  There are many obstacles that must be overcome...  Many flaws in the ultimate plan...  Flaws are easily fixed...  But flaws should never be overlooked...  This is my life...  This is the theory behind the mystery that is "Me..."

When does one's life matter...  Who cares about my life...  Maybe my parents...  Maybe my friends...  I know I care about my own life...  Or at least I thought I did at one point in time...  I guess I should care about my own life...  Being as that I go as far as taking a vow of purity for life...  I guess I am trying to prolong my life...  Or maybe I am just trying to live a life that I will be able to remember...  It's hard to remember a life if your mind is altered half the time by drugs and chemicals...  Does taking the time to write about my life make a difference...  I wonder that as I am writing this...  Possibly...  But one can only wonder...  No one can tell me about my life...  That's just something I have to figure out on my own...

Does it really hurt to keep feelings bottled up...  If they are good feelings...  Wouldn't you want to keep them inside...  Just to keep your insides feeling good...  And if they are bad...  Is it actually healthy to bring someone else down by letting them out...  People say that they don't mind listening...  Yet they are just keeping feelings of guilt bottled up for not really wanting to listen to your problems...  And then everyone is just back to the beginning...  And for those that truly want to listen...  Those are the ones that you shouldn't tell...  They are the type of people that cause you to have bottled up feelings in the first place...  And then you are just back to the beginning...  Again...

What does love represent...  What does that word mean...  It's not a tangible object...  Or at least that's what I have been told...  There are so many ways to express it...  But does expressing love have any effect on how much you really love something...  Or someone...  Through my experiences...  Not all the time...  So is there really a need to express it...  Does it really matter if other people know that you love something...  Or someone...  I think not...  But then again...  If it does matter...  Who does it matter to...  Because if it matters to other people...  Do they really know what you mean by love...  Not all the time...  Especially if you don't know even know the meaning of the word yourself...

Pain sucks...  The kind of pain that you feel when someone lets you go...  That's the worst...  I have felt this pain many times...  I can't really say you get used to it...  Because nobody ever wants to get used to it...  Everyone is looking for that perfect someone...  Someone special that they can be with forever...  And not just be with them...  But share with...  I thought I had that...  I thought I had that a few times...  But look where I am now...  Drowning in a puddle of my own tears...  Wondering where I went wrong this time...  But why does it really matter where I went wrong...  It's not like I can use this information to my advantage...  The next time is always different...  Something new...  And new things always have more complicated features...  And the more complicated something is...  The more pain it causes in the end...  A vicious circle which I am looking forward to ending...  But I guess that's all I can do right now is look forward...  Striving to find that new beginning...  That less complicated beginning...  That less painful ending...

I need something to calm my nerves...  I'm not sure what it is I need...  Maybe something to eat...  Something sweet...  Well maybe not something to eat...  But it still has to be sweet...  Not necessarily sweet to the taste...  Sweet smell...  Sweet sound...  Sweet feeling...  Sweet sight...  I don't really know what it is...  I'm thinking it's a person...  In fact I know it's a person...  As I think about it more, the picture in my head becomes clearer...  But it can't be a relationship...  I have been told that I have to stop looking for a relationship...  But does that mean I have to stop looking for everything...  Is a friendship a relationship...  I guess I must determine what kind of relationship I am supposed to stop looking for...  But if I think about it...  Relationships sometimes seek me out...  Maybe I just have to wait for that...  But then there is that wait thing...  Funk that...  Waiting for something to come along is the hardest thing anyone can ever do...  And it's always the things that are most important in life...  Well I guess the only thing I can do is wait...  Let the waiting begin...  Any day now...  Let's hurry it up now...

Right now I am finding it hard to let go...  I tried letting go of something that I had strong feelings for...  Now all I can do is think about the times we had...  I sit here and wonder if letting go is the right thing to do...  If I don't let go...  Things will never be the same...  But if I do let go...  I lose everything...  Even if I didn't want to let go...  It always feels like it is slipping from my fingertips...  I try not to think about it...  Maybe let things sort themselves out...  They sometimes work out like that...  But perhaps not this time...  I want to say...  "Shut the hell up..."  "Leave me the hell alone..."  But I am not that kind of person...  Of course I am not really sure what kind of person I am...  Therefore I really don't know what to say...  Maybe I just need a dictionary...

Why do I torture myself...  I taunt myself with feelings of happiness...  When in the end all I feel is despair and remorse...  It wouldn't be as bad...  Except for the fact that I can't get it out of my head...  The memories of a more serious relationship...  Even thought the experience was only but a small frame of time...  It felt like the experience of a lifetime...  One you can never forget...  And to just try and downgrade the situation...  Only makes things worse...  If it wasn't for one party being so confused all the time about trivial things...  It's always those trivial things that bog stuff down...  And yet it's those trivial things that can sometimes make things interesting...  Just don't let them get too interesting...  I have learned to stay away from trivial happenings...  But not everyone else has...  So I try to teach...  Try to show the way away from those happenings...  But it's a long process...  And nobody ever sticks around long enough...  So they just go on in life...  Always living with a pile of drama in their face...  I'm sorry...  But I can't live like that...

I finally started dreaming again...  It's been a while...  It stresses one out not to be able to dream...  Not enough sleep...  Too much sleep...  Either way...  It's like a blank stare into nothingness...  No thought process...  No waking up feeling refreshed...  But last night all that changed...  I dreamt of a life filled with companionship...  It was the best feeling in the world...  To be close to someone all the time...  Though not being able to see who it was...  That was the mystery of my slumber...  It's not because it was dark...  Or because there was something in the way...  It's like there was an empty face...  No features...  I don't know if this is a good thing or not...  Maybe it was just the feeling of being with someone that I wanted to dream about...  I heard somewhere that your dreams can be influenced by the environment you are sleeping in...  I don't think this is true...  I sleep on a couch...

It's a feeling of completion...  Completion of failure...  Today it was confirmed...  I was left behind because of a past...  Not my past...  My past is full of ghosts and ghouls...  But this time I was cast off to the side because I didn't make the cut.  Someone else...  Someone I consider very fake took my place...  It hurts me to find out that all the emotion I feel inside for someone else is just stomped on and "kicked to the curb" as some would say...  The worst thing is...  I almost saw it coming...  I didn't want to see it though...  I ignored my gut feeling and followed my heart...  And it took me straight into Satan's lair...  And Satan saw me coming and said...  "Mmmm...  Fresh vegan meat..."  It was almost like walking into a glass door...  Only a lot more painful...  You know who you are...  And I hate you for it...

Last night I had a wonderful experience...  One that made me forget about all my problems at the time...  I spent all day and all night with someone very close to me...  I have never felt so close to someone spiritually like I did last night...  I explained to her how much I cared for her...  How much I have always loved her...  I have always stood by her side through all kinds of problems...  And I will always be by her side...  With talking to her until four in the morning...  I learned a few things about myself as well...  I almost wish I could have stopped time itself...  Just to make that worry-free feeling never end...  It's kind of weird...  There are a few people that say I will end up marrying this person...  I still don't know if I want to get married in the first place...  EVER...  But I think if I did...  She probably would be my perfect match...  Yeah she would...

Today is a good day... I haven't been to a concert in over a year... But today I am going to one of the biggest annual concerts in this area... Not only that... But I get to see a good friend that I haven't seen in a few months... I also feel good because of another reason... Despite what all my daily horoscopes have been saying the past couple of days... I think I am finally catching up with all my financial debt and getting my social life together... It's been a while since I have felt comfortable in my situation... As I write this... I am sitting on a bench in a park... Not too far away from where today's event is taking place... A couple of kids are harassing a little squirrel and making a lot of noise... But I've got the wind blowing across my face... A pen in my hand... A clear train of thought... It's almost silent and very serene... Beautiful... Very motivating... Like something... Or someone is saying... "Good job Fork... You deserve some peace for a change..." But it's being said in a very loud way... So now I must prepare for the rest of my wonderful day... As I draw the X's on my hands... And put my red shades and "DARE" shirt on... I say to myself... "Damn I feel good today..."

I threw a party last night...  It felt good to see some of my friends after such a long time...  It pains me though that some people accuse me of being anti-social...  I'm sorry if I do not feel comfortable around certain people...  Especially when my mind is on other people...  More important people...  In fact...  I thought I was being VERY social...  I got to talk to one of my closer friends about moving in with me in a few months...  But I was informed that it would not be possible...  But what would be possible...  Two of my closer friends might be able to move in together...  Right now I am so excited...  I just hope it works out that way...  It would be nice to have not just one...  But two women in my life...  Even if I wasn't dating them...

Getting film developed is like one of the most exciting things I like to do...  I can never remember what I took pictures of until I get them back...  But this time was a little different...  When I got my pictures back...  I had a lot of mixed emotions about what I took pictures of...  I had a lot of pictures of all my friends at some parties I threw a few months ago...  I was looking forward to those...  But I also got back some pictures of someone...  Someone that I do not know how I feel about...  I tried talking about it to one of my friends...  I was made to realize that I really do miss this person in all my pictures...  And that I still love her...  I always loved her...  Some of the pictures reminded me of that weekend we spent together...  How I held her in my arms so tightly...  Never wanting to let go...  Feeling so close to her in every way...  But now those feelings are in the past...  Not being able to see her...  Or even talk to her without being reminded of the mistakes I made...  I feel alone all the time...  It hurts...  It hurts to look at these pictures...

As I sit here in the dim light of a large warehouse type store...  Listening to Nirvana Unplugged...  Wondering if I should do more work than what I was told...  I try not to think about the lack of sleep I am experiencing...  Is stressing myself to make a few extra bucks really worth it...  Well let me ponder what I may spend this money on...  And I use the word "PONDER" for a reason...  I have this grand scheme planned to win back the love and friendship of a woman that means the world to me...  But for some reason I feel I have lost my touch with women...  And because of this...  I hesitate to take any action at all...  I sometimes wished I believed in all this hocus pocus about seeing into the future...  It would make things so much simpler...  But I guess that's just the trails and tribulations of a complicated...  Stress filled...  Sleep deprived...  Hard knock life...  From the words of my cherished one...  "Sigh..."

 And so it has happened...  The chance I have been waiting for...  My grand scheme is falling into place...  And for those who are asking themselves...  No...  This is not an evil plot...  I wish no ill will toward anyone...  My wish is to be reunited with a feeling that I can't live without...  A feeling of belonging in a sense...  But tomorrow I venture to her house...  With flowers in hand...  Love in my heart...  And a crosshair on the only one I can think of right now...  I hope all goes well...  I have the support of many friends...  And I just hope that this support isn't wasted on disappointment...

 Right now...  I am sitting on cloud nine...  The one that I wanted out of yesterday's adventure was granted to me...  Just to be able to hold her...  Tell her that I love her...  And then a bonus...  She falls asleep in my arms...  If one could only imagine how I felt at that moment in time...  That moment in reality...  It almost seems like a dream...  But right now I almost wish it was a dream...  For now I don't know what to expect from her...  I don't know how she really feels...  How deeply she feels towards me and the situation at hand...  These things are hard to tell from here...  But I know I can only take what comes to me...  I can't expect anything special...  Or else I am looking at a big disappointment...  But I was facing the same thing before I even saw her...  And yesterday was a lot better than what was planned...  So I have to keep my hopes up and just wait...  Not rushing it...  And just to wait...

 It's not often I get responses to what I write...  But recently I had a friend tell me what they think...  I have been told that I am a good friend...  A friend that can be told anything I guess...  A friend that isn't afraid to release his thought for public viewing...  I guess it feels good to be known as this type of friend...  Of course the person that told me this is someone I would not expect it from...  But her and I have become somewhat close in the past few weeks...  I just wish there was some way for me to thank her for being there for me...  But I guess me being there for her is cool...  She even was cool about the way I felt towards the one I "ponder" about...  Which I owe her big for that one...  Thanx babe...

 So I am starting to get out more...  It's Halloween night and all the little kiddies have their costumes on...  I'm with the one I call sister tonight...  Just grabbing a bite to eat and catching a flick...  I've kind of gotten into this thing where I start dressing up when I go out...  I feel almost like a better person or something like that...  I know I'll never stop wearing the huge pants and crazy work shirts...  But I guess now is the time when I have to start making a different kind of impression on this world...  Time to move into a bigger better life...  Start seriously thinking about the future and what my plans are...  Stop bull shitting around and wasting my savings on frivolous things...  Get my act together and do something constructive...  Maybe then I will start turning heads again...  People used to stop and look at my chains and baggy pants...  But now I want them to stop and stare at my handsome good looks and smile at my devilish charm...  Maybe then I can win someone over without having them see my weird side first...

 Hey...  I got a letter from my foreign companion today...  I now feel compelled to write letters to everyone I know that has moved away...  But for some reason...  I feel more comfortable writing here than I do on a piece of paper to a single particular person...  For some reason...  I'm not good at writing letters...  Maybe I am...  I just don't like to...  I don't know why...  I need to write at least this one letter...  Let her know I am still alive...  Some people like to know these things...  I know I do...  I'll make this one a long one too...  People like long letters...  I like it when I get letters that have pictures in them...  Pictures make me smile...  Make me think about times I shared with those people...  I guess the saying that a picture is worth a thousand words is all too true...  I like it a lot when people put funny stickers on the outside of the envelope...  It just makes me wonder what the post office thinks...  Especially when you send them over seas...  A foreign post office seeing all these weird stickers and not knowing what they mean...  Like my straight edge stickers...  It's bad enough most Americans think they say sex...  I can't even begin to wonder what a German person would think about it...  Sometimes I make envelopes out of nothing but stickers...  But that can be expensive sometimes...  Stickers aren't cheap these days...  But I guess I should start writing that letter now...  While I am in a writing mood...

 I hate that feeling you get...  You are stuck in a situation...  Caught between two people you care about...  You know both sides of the story...  But you don't want to help one more than the other...  You just want the two to be able to talk to each other and tell the actual truth about the situation...  But without letting them tell each other that you know what the other is actually thinking and what they really know...  I guess I can't really say anything...  It's my own fault that I am in this predicament...  I just wish that there was less conflict in this world...  I guess that's part of what I strive for...  A drug free...  Animal friendly...  Less conflicted world...  Oh well...  One can only dream... 

Okay...  I finally got away from the pit of hell known as Chesapeake...  I had to have a break...  So I did what I love to do...  Haven't done it in a while either...  I went to Tech...  Nothing like a six hour drive through the beautiful mountains of Virginia...  And then you end up at one of the coolest colleges in the world...  I love coming to Tech because there is always something going on up here...  For some reason just staying with someone who lives in a dorm...  Just lets you experience the whole college life thing... But this weekend I just happen to be staying with someone I probably shouldn't be...  Well I could care less...  But I know someone very close to me does...  But again...  I could care less...  But I come up here to spend time with friends...  See the scenery...  And maybe one of these days I will make it up here to go to a game...  This time I made it here just in time to experience the after-game traffic...  I think that is the only bad part about coming up here...  The traffic there is when it is game weekend...  But it's still cool...  Just the atmosphere...  Everyone running around screaming because we just won...  Crazy people cutting you off in their piece of crap college cars...  Then you have the old people who just don't pay attention and walk right out in front of you...  I love those...  One hundred points...  But now I am just sitting here...  Taking my rest after the long trip...  Listening to some Sean Lennon...  And I can't help but wonder why I didn't take that chance I had to move up here...  Damn hippie me...

I haven't written in a while...  And so much has happened in the past two weeks...  I have gone through a few experiences with a few different people...  Some of them just a little confusing...  I just wish that I could find someone...  Someone to stand by my side as my female equal...  I'm tired of wondering how people feel towards me...  Having good friends tell me they love me...  And then wonder what kind of love that is...  Christmas time is coming...  Last Christmas sucked and I don't want this year to be the same...  Last year I broke up with my psycho girlfriend on Christmas day...  It's funny though...  Just the other day while walking in the mall with my friends from work...  I saw her with her new boyfriend...  Pregnant...  But that's not the only funny thing...  Her new boyfriend is also her old boyfriend...  The same guy I had to keep from kidnapping her when they broke up the first time...  Psycho...  Just psycho...  Boy am I glad I got out of that situation...  But this Christmas I don't have a woman...  I guess I can say I have my friends...  But it's just not the same sometimes...  It makes me feel good when I can buy something expensive for someone special...  I know I can do this for some of my good friends...  But that can be weird...  Oh well...  At least my roommate and I got our Christmas tree...  Out apartment is all decorated...  So I am happy...

Is it so shocking that I got my ears pierced...  Everyone that has seen me has shown nothing but shock and surprise...  I mean I keep talking about getting something pierced and getting my next tattoo...  This is just one less thing I want to do now...  Now me getting another tattoo might be a little surprising...  Especially since I know what I want...  I am into swords and dragons a lot...  Mix those two elements in with all my straight edge and "HF" symbols...  Well you get the picture...  I have some ideas...  I want something of a decent size...  Nothing small...  And I was thinking about putting it on the back of my neck...  Or maybe even on the back of my head...  But that might hurt too much...  I like to think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain...  But some things are just too painful to even think about...  It's almost like that feeling of rejection I am afraid to feel...  Now I am getting into something else...  There is something I want to ask someone that is very close to me...  But of course I have that premonition in the back of my head that says it's not worth it...  Not worth losing what I have now...  Which what I have now isn't bad...  It's just that feeling of wanting more...  Wanting something more than just a casual relationship...  Hell...  Let me just ask this girl...

Seems as though the act of just asking someone a question is harder than it seems...  Especially when they make it so you can't even talk to them...  But let's not get into that...  Right now I am more concerned about this holiday season...  I think I have gotten over the fact that I am going to spend it alone...  Today I started making a list of people I wanted to buy presents for and things I wanted to buy them...  I forgot how hard it was to think of things for just my family...  Friends are easy...  I sometimes feel I know them better than my family...  Which is sad...  But all too true...  I think this week on my day off I shall just go wandering malls...  Just looking for ideas...  Only buying if my gut says it's the "perfect" gift...  This is another reason why I am not very fond of Christmas...  Trying to come up with ideas for gifts...  So this year I recruited some help for my gift picking process...  I sat down at the computer and asked her for ideas...  And I typed up a pretty decent list...  It's still in the making...  But it's going better than if I would have worked on it myself...  Anyways...  I finally cleaned up my apartment from my Thanksgiving dinner I had last week...  You never realize how much cleaning is to be done until you actually start cleaning...  But at least now I have no shame in inviting someone over to just hang out...  Now I just need to find someone who's schedule I can fit into and have come over...  I lead a boring life sometimes where the most exciting thing I do all day is sit at my computer and scribble...

As some of you may have noticed...  Some of my more important picture pages have changed recently...  Some people have been added...  Which is a good thing...  But then other people have been removed...  I don't know if there is a logical reason for this...  There is a reason...  But whether or not it's logical is a mystery...  Someone asked me if it was revenge...  I like to think of it as me just updating my page as I see fit...  Recently I was scanning some of my so called friends' pages...  I was shocked to find that I was removed from one particular page...  It made me "PONDER" why...  And then I saw who replaced me...  I met this person that I was replaced with...  But I was never clued into who he actually was...  I now see why...  I wonder if I wasn't told possibly to protect my feelings...  If that was the case...  I can understand...  But my mind...  My heart...  And my gut tell me this is not the case...  But I feel no hatred...  Only pain and remorse...  But I will get over it...  I think I already have...  I am just still shocked that I was removed...

I was talking to a good friend again tonight...  This makes three nights in a row...  But tonight I was questioned about why I feel the need for stress in my life...  I am not sure if I have a need for it...  Or if I am just so used to it that I don't know how to lead a stress free life...  I have the feeling of laziness if I try to relax...  Like I should be doing something more productive...  This is how I always feel...  Even when I am doing something productive...  Like I should always be doing more than what I am doing...  But then I thought about the relaxation thing...  Can taking a nice relaxing bath...  Or maybe just sitting down for a while and not doing anything... Can these actually be productive things in themselves...  I mean relaxation should be part of one's life...  So is taking time out for it an act of production...  Or maybe because if you do relax for a while...  You can later be more productive in the other things you do...  Now I have seen the way...  I must sit back and watch the hair on my chin grow more often...  That way when I get back to my stressful life...  I can do more...  Okay...  This made no sense...  But I feel like I have sense out of something was not meant to made sense out of...  Never mind...

For the past two days I have been sick...  This is the first time I have gotten sick in a LONG time...  I haven't been sleeping well either...  So of course I feel like ass...  But today I walked across the street to the drug store...  I picked myself up some feel good stuff...  You know like cranberry juice and Vap-O-Rub...  I want to feel better by tomorrow...  I NEED to feel better by tomorrow...  I hate having to go to work when I am not feeling well...  I tend to be a very cranky person...  Especially around customers...  But I can tell that I am already starting to feel a little better...  Just have to keep drinking this juice and hope that I don't develop that hacking cough...  It seems that every time I get sick...  It's always the same thing...  First it's the sore throat...  Then it develops into sinus congestion...  Then the fever hits me...  Mixed in with a little lack of sleep...  I get a pounding head ache...  Then my sore throat goes away and my fever comes down after drinking about twenty cups of tea...  But then my sinuses start to drain...  And I get the hacking cough and body aches...  And then I am better...  I go through it all every time...  But the good thing is it lasts only three...  Maybe four days...  Then I feel like a new man...  I am just lucky that this time I had someone to talk to and comfort me...  Even though she was on the other side of the computer screen...  She was there...  And I love her and thank her for it...

Right now I am pretty much angry with every female in my life...  I had one that was supposed to come over and talk with me about moving in...  No show...  Another was supposed to come meet me after I got off work one morning to go eat breakfast...  No show...  I even passed up four hours of much needed sleep for this chance...  There are three more friends of mine that haven't returned any of my pages for the past two weeks...  The only female friend of mine that I am not angry with...  Is on the other side of the planet...  It's also one week before Christmas...  I haven't done any shopping what so ever...  I am just very stressed right now...  And the fact that I haven't slept in over two days...  Isn't helping...  I wonder if now would be a good time to take one of those nice relaxing pauses...  I guess if I didn't have so much on my mind I could...  I hate the fact that I haven't really had anything good to say lately...  Why am I condemned to a life of hell...  Blah...

Word...  I got my X-Mas bonus from work last night...  And wouldn't you know...  I am happy again...  No...  I am ecstatic...  I now have in my possession a phat CD burner...  Surround sound speaker system for my living room...  AND not only did I get that...  But an envelope with a nice sum of money...  Now I know this makes me sound like a material person...  But the money is just going to other peoples' Christmas presents...  And the burner is definitely going to be put to GOOD use...  Plus...  Aren't we all just a little material deep down inside...  It's just human nature to be happy when you get a lot of shit for nothing...  But now today is my last day to buy presents for people...  I am debating on whether or not I want to wait for the ten million people who said they would go shopping with me to call...  Or should I just go by myself...  I hate shopping by myself...  I can never remember who I have to buy for...

Christmas is over...  I did the family thing...  And I got a lot of the stuff that I wanted...  Of course there are some things that I didn't get...  Also I missed out on spending time with some of my friends...  Especially a few special ones that I really miss...  But it's okay...  I have presents for them...  And if they want them...  They have to come get them...  Now I am just waiting for that big Y2K thing to come...  I can honestly say I am not worried about a damn thing...  In fact I am trying to put together a party on New Years Eve...  I love having parties...  But until then...  I am going shopping...  I deserve some stuff for myself...

Today was a very long day...  But I feel like I got a lot accomplished...  I finished rebuilding my purple computer...  I also built a new system for a friend...  It makes me feel good when someone is excited about a new computer...  Especially when I am the one who builds it...  I feel like my skills are being put to good use...  And now that I am back in front of my main computer...  I can finally get online and scribble...  Lately I have been thinking a lot about what I am going to do when my roommate moves out...  I have a few potentials in mind...  And a few who can definitely move in...  But there is one person in particular that I would like to have living with me...  She is a friend that has gotten away from me...  We meet back up from time to time...  But I wish there was a way for us to spend more time together...  I know there is no way in hell her and I could ever be a couple...  Or anything even close...  Just friends we will be...  And as I put in one of my depressing CD's...  I am reminded of the way I held her that one night...  Caressing the face of an angel...  Never wanting her to leave my arms...  I care not about the dangers of a possible relationship...  Both physical and emotional...  There have not been that many people I have felt so deeply towards...  In fact I can count them all on just one hand...  That's pretty sad I guess...  But then again...  I guess that just means that I don't fall in love with every girl that walks in front of me...  There are certain things I look for in a woman...  And certain things I don't look for...  And if a girl doesn't exactly have the qualities I am looking for...  I try not to make anything serious out of it...  And there have been a lot of girls that fit into that category...  A lot more of those then the ones I actually see something potential in...  Of course the ones that seem somewhat perfect in almost every way...  Are always the ones that just want to be friends...  Something that every guy hates to hear...  That awful statement...  I don't think anyone likes to hear it...

The validity of my faith in veganism was questioned today...  Not so much by someone else...  But by myself...  I went out to eat with a few people...  I had very delicious pasta meal...  I admit I could have made it much better myself...  But before the main course arrived...  The people I was dining with were enjoying some type of fried squid dish and buttered bread sticks...  The squid pretty much disgusted me...  But I can remember a time when I used to tear up some bread sticks...  After the meal was over...  I also thought back to a time when I used to enjoy eating a cheese cake dessert on a regular basis...  The whole night I kept asking myself...  Who will care if I cheat on my diet...  My friends will know...  And everyone will probably think of me as a sell out or something like that...  But then I came to my senses and remembered why I turned vegan in the first place...  Some might say I am just brain washing myself into this belief...  But it is much more than just a belief...  The truth is that animal products are like drugs...  Just unnecessary additives that one consumes simply for some form of pleasure...  I don't find taking drugs...  Or drinking alcohol...  Or consuming animal products very pleasurable...  I get my pleasure from the things in life that fill my soul...  Warm my heart...  Things such as music...  Hanging out with good friends...  Getting close with someone I care about deeply...  Scribbling on this page...  Things that stir emotion inside me...  Things like this are why I strain myself to be pure...  Everything is so much better when you can wake up the next morning and still feel the emotional and sometimes physical effects of such events without any negative consequences...  And really it's not that much of a strain...  In fact it is quite easy...  It is so much more than just a belief...  It's my reality...  And it's how I want to live...

Okay...  Now I am enraged with fury...  It's hard to explain why...  I was just informed by what I thought was a very good friend...  That I am not to ever talk to them again...  Just out of the blue...  I was also told that my being straight edge is nothing more than a facade...  Now how would you feel if someone told you that your god was a facade...  Or that your marriage to someone was a facade...  Or the fact that you were conceived by an act of love between two people was a facade...  You would take it to heart...  You would be so angry that all you could do was cry...  I could not tell this person what I thought about what they were saying...  In fear that I could endanger any future friendship with them...  But now I have been instructed to never call...  Instant message...  Visit...  Or communicate with her ever again...  And what makes me even angrier is the fact that she has nothing to back up the facade accusation...  And also the reason that she no longer wants me to talk to her...  I am not to talk to her because she fears that I may want something more from her...  I have not talked to her in a few months...  She has also shocked me with the news of her being engaged...  I have no reason to want anything more from her outside of a mere friendship...  But I am denied that right...  Fuck that...  That shit is whack...  I try not to use such profanity when I express myself...  But if that ain't a bitch slap in the face...  I don't know what is...  So to you...  The one I "Pondered" about for so long...  Kiss my long since moved on ass...

I may have said some things that were uncalled for...  I just can't understand why I was told certain things...  But I must apologize for my retaliation...  I am not one to take revenge...  Especially when revenge was not warranted at all...  I am being told that I need to move on from something I left to itself a long time ago...  My life has come to a higher level...  On a different peak...  I have moved so far along from that point in time that I was stuck on...  That if I moved any further...  I would be living in a different realm of sorts...  I am still hurt by what was said...  But I am getting over it with every passing moment...  I have talked to several friends...  And I have been made to realize that I know someone that doesn't want to be my friend anymore...  Because they are stuck up someone's ass...  I know that seems harsh...  But until this someone can confront me and tell me different...  That is my view on the situation...  I would more than welcome this confrontation to set my idea straight...  In fact I hope this someone realizes that they are losing a good friend that is...  Or should I say was willing to do anything to make sure that they have a smile on their face...  But I guess me not being their friend is making them smile right now...  If it is...  I guess I have done all I can...  I just want to send a message to everyone...  Don't give up your friends...  Because in the end...  All you have are your enemies...  I love all my friends...  All my true friends...  And I just want them to know...  I don't give up on anyone...

You will never believe who I received e-mail from yesterday...  My foreign friend that I haven't seen i about a year now...  And I feel really bad that I never have time to write her...  But she has finally gotten on the internet...  And she has the ability to send and receive e-mail...  Since I am always sitting in front of my computer...  I can write her any time I want...  But for some reason now...  I miss her more than ever...  Now that I hear from her more often...  I think about her every waking minute of the day...  Not that I didn't think about her before...  I thought about her a lot...  But now I can't get her out of my mind...  I miss the days when we just sit on my dad's front porch and just talk...  Or when we took walks around the block...  Or when we sat in a field while she did homework and smoke cigarettes...  I miss being able to hold her hand...  And seeing her beautiful German smile...  I just wish there was some way to bring her back to America...  Just for a moment so that I may see her...  So that I may see my German skittle eating monster...

Last night I made my first attempt in a while at what I guess you could call dating...  And I have to admit that I had a better time than I imagined I would...  And yes I want to go forward and maybe try to make a relationship out of it...  But why is it that every time I try and do something like this...  There is always this sense of drama lurking around the corner...  But I guess the only way to find out is to risk a little drama and go out again...  And yet there are so many possibilities with this person...  But I must try my hardest not to get too involved...  At least not right off from the beginning...  That's how people get burned...  That's how I've gotten burned...  And I'm not willing to go through some crap like that again...  Sorry...  But at least when I try this time...  I am definitely in a better mood now...  My life is progressing so nicely...  I am about to have my apartment all to myself...  I received a promotion to a management position at work...  I am looking into buying a new car...  Things are just going to great...  And I don't want to drag myself down with the crap that I normally get from a relationship...  But then again...  A relationship could make all these things that much more enjoyable...  Like I said...  We shall see... 

Today was a very fun day...  I had a good day at work...  I got off early for starters...  But while I was at work...  Or should I say away from work...  On my trip to the bank...  I get pulled over by one of my fine friends from the Chesapeake City Police Department...  And for what I ask of you...  Speeding...  Oh no...  Not this time...  This time I get pulled for all the stickers on the back of my car...  Just getting hassled by the man...  And it makes me so happy to prove a cop wrong...  It's just too funny...  After work...  My roommate and his girlfriend came home...  And we went to IHOP with some friends...  We then ran into more friends...  Then we went to Wal-Mart...  And I know everyone always jokes about going to Wal-Mart at one in the morning and getting kicked out...  Well wouldn't you know we did...  And only after fifteen minutes at that...  And did we get kicked out by Wal-Mart...  Oh no...  Our fine friends from the Chesapeake City Police Department graced us with their presence again...  Do police officers have nothing better to do than to harass innocent kids just trying to have a good time...  I mean it's not like we were drinking...  Or causing a disturbance...  Or doing anything wrong at all...  We were just goofing off in Wal-Mart...  But oh well...  I still say it was a good day...  Especially because the fun didn't end after we came home...  No...  I stayed up all night watching movies with people...  One person in particular...  Which having her stay here is difficult...  I'm not sure if she knows that I have a thing for her...  But because the person she is involved with is here...  It makes it difficult to express myself...  But it was nice to be able to share my grapes with her...  I guess I am happy with that for now...  But now I am sitting here alone...  Quietly listening to my newest CD...  Everyone else is in bed...  I have to be back at work in two hours...  Cruising with no sleep...  Pumped up on coffee with blueberry syrup...  It's just the beginning of hopefully another wonderful day...

I'm back...  I have been without my cable modem for two weeks now...  My provider decided to cut me off because they suck...  But that is beside the point...  It has been a long time since I have written...  It has also been a long time since I talked to a lot of people online...  Sometimes it seems that the only way I get in contact with the outside world is through my computer...  I know that sounds pretty sad...  But with the way I have been working my ass off lately...  I don't have time for a social life...  But that is going to change...  I am working on making myself more financially stable...  It's hard...  But I can swing it...

I had a small scare the other day...  I was informed by someone that used to be very close to me of some shocking and somewhat disturbing news...  This isn't the first time I have been scared like this...  And I could have sworn that I promised myself that I wouldn't do anything stupid like this again...  But I guess I deserved this...  I have been trying to avoid as much drama as possible in my life...  And I guess this is someone's way of telling me that nobody goes without a little drama here and there...  But in the end I was relieved to know that I was worrying over nothing...  Good...  Let this be the end of a bad habit that I have wanted to kick for some time...

I found someone to move in with me...  Or rather they found me...  A very good friend of mine asked if her boyfriend could stay with me for a while until he gets his shit together...  Which this situation has its ups and downs...  But I have come to the decision that the ups completely outweigh the downs...  But not only am I going to see more of my friend...  But I am going to have someone to pay part of the bills...  Plus I am going to have someone here so I won't be as bored anymore when I am home...  I found that after my last roommate went out to sea and left me here by myself...  I became very bored and somewhat depressed...  It's not fun to have an apartment to yourself and not have anything to do but sleep...  It's kind of weird though...  I hadn't met my friend's boyfriend before today...  At first I was just doing a favor for my friend...  But the guy seems pretty cool...  Of course you never really know someone until you live with them...  So we shall see...  But right now I am more concerned about tonight...  Tonight I have a little party planned here at my apartment...  I am completely ready for it...  The only thing I am worried about is if a lot of people are going to show up...  The last few parties I have had have been what I consider complete and udder flops...  But I can't blame myself...  I guess people just have better things to do with their time than to have a good time...  But at least I know this time that at least a few people are definitely showing up...  I have received confirmation...  So I am not as worried as I was last party...

So lately I have been hanging out with two of my closest female friends a lot more...  Started going out to eat and doing things...  I feel like my social life is coming together...  I stopped just moping around like I have nothing better to do...  Yes I am still working my ass off like work is my food or something...  But I started making time to do other stuff as well...  I want to start going to the clubs again...  But first I have to take care of some debts and get rid of my insomnia causing problem...  That's another thing that has been getting to me lately...  I have not been able to sleep when I am supposed to...  I did start sleeping in my bed again though...  So hopefully this will help me...  I used to sleep on the couch all the time...  Don't ask me why...  I guess I am just used to it...  Before I moved out and was living with my Dad...  I didn't have a bed in my room...  I only had my recliner and my couch...  And I slept on those all the time...  I would just sit in my recliner in front of the computer for hours on end...  Then I would just pull up the blanket and fall asleep right there...  Sometimes I would forget to sign off of the internet and I would have random people trying to talk to me in the middle of the night...  Waking me up from my slumber...  I still do it sometimes...  But I have learned that just turning the sounds off helps...  But now when I am awake and people start talking to me...  I don't hear or see it...  And people think I am trying to ignore them...  And then people get mad at me...  Oh well...  They'll get over it...

The other day I had one of the best parties that I have ever thrown...  I owe most of the credit to my new roommate I believe...  There was a mood set for the night...  It all started when the topic of sex was seriously discussed by the whole crowd...  I also got to spend some time with some of my best female friends...  I also believe that I gained yet another good female friend...  It's too bad that she just happens to be friends with my ex...  I believe it could develop into something more that just a good friendship if it weren't for that simple fact...  That's just too bad...  But I believe my favorite point of the night was when I got to sleep next to someone I love dearly...  Not only did I sleep next to her...  But I held her all night...  It is something that I have wanted to do for a long time...  Just to hold someone in my arms like that is one thing...  But to hold her...  I know I am just leading myself into a big disappointment...  But that one night was enough to keep my mind busy for a long time...

Well I am officially free for the night...  Every night...  I used to have something that occupied my time all night long for three nights a week...  It gives me time off now to spend with friends...  Maybe now I can have a social life...  Go out dancing...  Throw my random parties more often...  It kind of puts me in a bind as far as my financial situation goes...  But it's cool...  I will strive to survive...  Another good thing is that it allows me to sleep...  It allows me to dream...  It's in my dreams that I see what I want to see...  To see myself happy...  To see myself enjoying life...  Enjoying life with my friends...  My family...  And maybe the one...  That one special someone that I have been searching for...  I know that everyone I meet in the next few years will only be short term loves...  I feel the one that I am searching for I will not find for a long time...  It has been said that good things come to those that wait...  Well I'm sorry...  I can't wait...  So I am definitely going to go along with these short term loves as much as possible...  With caution and care of course...

I am so excited...  I have made plans to take another trip to Tech the end of the month...  I can't wait...  I am trying to find someone to go with...  Not so much to spend time with at Tech...  But more so that I don't have to use my car...  I know that sounds selfish...  But My car sucks ass as far as long trips go...  It drinks gas like it was Kool-Aid laced with crack...  That's about the best way to describe it...  But I can't wait until I get up there...  I get to see my two favorite Tech buddies...  And maybe spend some time alone with one in particular...  That would be nice...  But the best part of this trip is that I get to spend two nights there...  I have the whole weekend off...  I am going to try to get Monday off as well to make it a three day weekend...  That way I can spend three nights there...  That would be the smack...  Excuse my crude use of slang...  I am also happy now because I got through my first month of having no steady source of income from a roommate...  Basically I have been paying all the bills by myself...  Yes my new roommate gives me some money when he can...  But it's not like my old roommate...  I also have gotten all my systems back up and running...  All four of them...  Now I truly have a computer in every important room in the apartment...  Why do such retarded things make me happy...  Oh well...  I guess the whole fact that I am happy is a good enough reason for me...  Oh yeah...  Did I mention I also have plans to go clubbing this week...  I have not gone clubbing in a long time...  Over a year now I do believe...  And I know there has been so much fun that I have been missing...  But no longer...  Ha ha ha ha ha...

I hate it when I start going through all the names I have in my messenger list...  And there is always those few names that you have no idea who they are or when you talked to them...  So obviously I had to clean my list out...  But as I was cleaning my list out...  I came across a few names that I see online all the time...  All belonging to the same person...  I never talk to her anymore...  But why do I feel compelled to keep her name in my list...  Is it because that maybe she might want to talk to me...  And of course I have no idea that she is online...  Because I have taken her name off my list...  But I know unless Cupid himself shoots about twenty of his arrows in this girl's ass...  She will never even think about talking to me ever again...  It's not my fault...  I love the girl...  She was my favorite...  But I have no idea why she hates me now...  Oh well...  I'll keep her in my list for now...  It's not like it will hurt anything...  Besides...  I still consider her a good friend...  I think about her all the time...  There is always something going on that reminds me of her...  A song playing on the radio...  Pictures of her randomly stuck up on the wall in my apartment somewhere...  Foods I eat that I used to cook for her...  Random computers that I work on that remind me of her computer...  People randomly asking about her...  And the fact that my favorite move of all time...  Which I watch almost on a weekly basis...  Just happens to be one that she likes...  Just a bunch of stupid stuff...  But can you tell now that I think about her all the time now...

Why is it that I was in the mood to listen to a bunch of depressing music today...  I start listening to my Sean Lennon and Ben Folds Five CD's...  And it's all over...  I just get in this funk...  And the only way I can get out is by having someone come over and talk with me...  Don't really have to talk about anything in particular...  Just having company here cheers me up...  At least most of the time it does...  But I don't know why I started feeling like this today...  I did a bunch of fun stuff today before this started happening...  I went skating...  I skated up to the mall and did a little shopping...  I got some new work pants and all...  I even skated over to Volume and bought a few CD's...  I felt the need to splurge...  I hate that...  But oh well...  I got some pretty decent stuff...  I even enjoyed a nice cup of coffee from Gloria Jean's...  I get a drink called "Red Eye"...  It's a cup of coffee with two shots of espresso...  If that doesn't wake you up and make you feel all warm and tingly inside...  Yeah...  But anyways...  I didn't have anyone here to talk to...  But I did work on my web page and a few mix CD's for a friend of mine...  So that cheered me up a little...  Of course now I'm tired...  That whole daylight savings thing throws me out of whack every time...

These images keep clouding my mind...  Distracting me all day and all night...  Invading my dreams...  Keeping me from my work...  Almost every time making me cry...  Wishing I didn't have these memories of her...  But they are all good memories...  But that's all they are...  Memories...  Events that have long since passed...  And probably forgotten by all except me...  I can see her...  Hear her voice...  Feel her touch...  Smell her lotion...  But it is all in my head...  It's like I have full motion videos rolling in my head...  And I can't ever stop them...  I can see things so clearly it's almost like they're right there in front of me...  Things that have happened in the past...  Events that I will never forget...  A lot of them being very trivial things...  But it's those small things that stick out so much...  I can still remember all the times I went to visit her at college...  All the times I brought her food and cooked her dinner...  All the times we sat and listened to the same music over and over...  All the times I fixed her computer and then joked about how I just made it worse so I would have to come again the next weekend...  All the times we just laid together watching VH1 or MTV while I rubbed her feet and legs...  All the times I fell asleep next to her...  All the times she called me a punk and I would return by calling her my spawn of Satan...  Just too many vivid memories...  And yet there are no bad memories...  I know there were things that happened that I could consider bad memories...  If I could only remember them though...  I don't know if it is because I blocked them out of my mind...  Or if it is just because the good stuff out weighed the bad stuff by such a ratio that the bad things are almost non-existent...  I can't figure it out...  I want to stop the images...  Stop the hurt that they make me feel...  Just stop all the pain and suffering that they put me through...  But that would require me not ever thinking about her again...  And I can't let that happen...  I won't let that happen...  She meant too much to me...  And I blame myself for not making it last...  I know I have been told that it is not my fault...  But I can't help but to think about what I could have possibly done differently...  Or maybe not done at all...  I hate it...  I hate the fact that I won't ever know...  Of course maybe I wasn't meant to know...  But I don't believe in all that fate crap...  I won't ever know because of the choices I made...  Not because of fate...  I know she doesn't want to hear it...  Probably nobody wants to hear it...  But I love her...  I have known ever since the first time I saw her...  That one joyous day at the mall where we decided to meet each other...  I have always known that she was the one that I truly wanted to be with...  And I fucked it up once...  But was given a second chance...  And then I fucked it up again...  I'm not too sure how or why...  But I guess I know now what NOT to do...  Of course I still don't know what I am supposed to do...

About a year ago I built a computer for a good friend of mine that I worked with...  Well last night I made a house call to check on my creation and hang out with my friend...  Well this friend of mine is how you would say "VERY Christian"...  Which I have no problem with...  I got to her house and a lot of her friends started showing up after that...  It's a very different crowd than I am used to...  As I was working on her computer...  I started talking with some of her friends...  Just about random stuff...  It amazes me on how someone can incorporate God into any everyday event...  No matter insignificant or random this event might be...  Now I know using the word "incorporate" probably isn't the proper word I should use in this case...  As I have mentioned before I am not a religious person...  But just talking to these people and trying to understand why they seem so complete in their life with this relationship they have...  It made me question myself on whether or not I could believe in something on that grand of a scale...  What would my purpose in trying to connect or follow God be...  I think that it's that question that keeps me from believing...  Not saying I don't believe...  I do believe in the possibility of there being some force or higher being that has some kind of effect on this planet...  But what I can't get is why I haven't seen...  Or sensed if you will...  Such a great power...  I guess you could say I am a "proof needing" kind of person...

I sometimes wonder what it would be like if things hadn't gone wrong...  Not any particular event...  Just things in general...  Like what would my life be like if my red car hadn't blown up...  Or if my parents had stayed together...  Or if I could have resolved some of my childhood conflicts in a more civilized manner...  Would my life be any better...  Since I don't believe in fate or destiny...  I would like to believe that I have total control over my life...  I like to think my life is as good as it is now because of my own past decisions...  So I think that I would still be in the same position regardless of some of my past "not so hot" moments...  True I could be living a much better life right now...  But a better life doesn't have the same challenges that I face every day...  And yes I like these challenges...  Challenges and struggles in one's life bring the wisdom and knowledge that one needs to survive...  And that has to be one of life's greatest acquisitions...  Knowledge...  Wisdom...  Love...  Self realization...  All these are things I seek...  I could be poor and in the streets...  But as long as I have these things...  I'll be happier than any rich man alive...

Sitting here in this cool spring breeze on the balcony of my second story apartment...  Waiting for the sun to set and the sky to get dark...  I am reminded of a day when I was in high school...  My Junior year to be exact...  It was my German companion and I sitting in a grassy field behind an old house...  All to ourselves...  I sit and watch her...  Just starring...  She sits there in one of her favorite summer dresses...  Smoking a cigarette...  Trying to concentrate on doing her homework...  Just being in her company was all I was concerned about...  She always got this crinkle in her eye from the hot sun's glare...  And the way it didn't seem to bother her to sit on the filthy ground in her dress...  To this day I am not sure why I was attracted to her so much...  Of course there are the obvious reasons why any guy would be attracted to a woman...  But there was something about her...  Whether it was because she was from another country...  Or if it was just her strange attitude and sense of humor...  We never truly got that close...  I can honestly say that I was probably her best friend while she was here in America...  But it's a shame that it never became something bigger...  We had nicknames for each other...  I was her "sexy straight edge man from America" or something to that effect...  She was my "German Skittle eating monster"...  Long story...  Needless to say I miss my Junior year in high school...  I miss her...  I think that was my favorite year in school...  It had to have the most impact on me than any other year...

Today I have written a lot of things on this page...  I'm not sure why...  I think I owe a lot of my ability to write to my mother and and my English teachers in school...  Two in particular...  I remember one of them teaching me to think of things that nobody had ever written about before...  The other taught me to never throw anything I write away...  Even if it was just a rough draft...  When you combine teachers like this...  You end up with a kid like me who has a scribbling page like this one...  So I just want to give thanks to all the teachers in the world that make a difference like this...  You know who you are...

The other night I went clubbing...  It's actually the first night I have gone clubbing...  And danced in over a year...  It was very fun...  I got my groove on so to say...  We went to IHOP afterwards...  And I drank my blueberry coffee and ate my potato pancakes...  Damn they were good...  I went with a few of my female friends...  I like going with a lot of people...  It makes it less boring...  I don't like going by myself...  I feel intimidated...  Don't ask me why...  I'm just not the type of person to go up to a complete stranger and ask them to dance...  That's not my bag baby...  Of course I am also not one to turn down someone asking me to dance...  But I get that so rarely...  But I don't care...  I would like to make this going out thing a regular event...  But I don't see that happening any time soon...  I don't have the friends I used to have...  I'm not really sure why...  For some odd reason...  I get this weird feeling that people don't like hanging out with me...  I don't know why or even understand why this might be...  I guess I'll never know...

I am sort of upset now...  I was planning a much needed vacation the end of this month...  I have been planning for a little over a month now...  Another road trip to Tech...  I was going to take a friend or two with me to keep me company on the six hour drive...  Well I WAS going to do this...  But these plans kind of got derailed...  I'm not mad about it...  Just upset...  I now have a three day weekend coming up with nothing to do now...  And knowing me...  I'll probably just waist it away sitting at home watching television...  My whole plan was to ride up to Tech Friday night after work and stay until Monday...  And one of the main reasons to go was to get away from work and my whole town for a while...  But my other main...  More important reason was to see a good friend of mine...  Spend some time with them...  Do a little shopping...  Sit and talk about stupid shit...  But it looks now like the only person I'll be talking to is Piccolo...  And that's my computer...  Oh well...  No skin off my back...  I'll get over it...

Why is it that week has sucked...  Work has sucked...  People have sucked...  The weather has sucked...  The cuts and sores I keep getting from computers and shit like that have sucked...  Just everything has sucked...  And right now I am hot...  Hungry...  Full of energy...  And not a damn thing in the world to do...  AHHHHHHH...  Okay...  Now that I have gotten that out of the way...  How is everyone else...  I can't wait until this three day weekend I have coming up...  Right now I could care less where I am going to be and what I am going to be doing...  Because I need a break from life itself...  I think my plans are now to go down to the beach and sit in the sun all day...  And lay with the moon all night...  For three days straight...  Where it is peaceful...  No distractions...  No computers...  No people...  No nothing at all...  Wouldn't that be wonderful...  And I would do this as well...  Except for the police would probably kick me off the beach at some point in time...  Or I would eventually get hungry...  Or something stupid like that...  Oh well...  Of course now I am just making excuses...  SO let's keep playing with this idea...  What would I take with me...  I think all I would need is my notebook and a pen...  A few sandwiches...  A LARGE bottle of water...  My cell phone...  For emergency purposes only...  And I guess I would have to take a towel and an extra shirt...  Just in case I decided to venture into the water at some point in time...  Hmmm...  This actually sounds like a good plan...  Now I am debating on whether or not I should tell anyone where I am going to be...  For emergency purposes again...  This gives me an idea for another Top Five list...  Yeah...

Okay...  So the grooviest thing has happened to me...  I have been invited to go to my fifth prom...  So maybe not going to Tech like I had planned is actually working out to benefit me...  I am still kind of sad that I am not going to Tech...  I just hope that my friend up there forgives me for the way I acted when she told me I couldn't come...  I have already told her that I was sorry...  But again I would like to apologize...  I am truly and deeply sorry...  But onto more important issues...  I am going to prom again...  Time to put on the tux and just pimp myself...  Hehe...  I know this sounds pitiful...  By I think I look damn good in a tux...  And no you can't argue with me...  But what I see this as is my last chance to hold onto my high school years...  After this...  I think I am going to have to start living in the real world...  Get my act together and stop spending my hard earned money on a bunch of crap...

Today sucked ass...  At least up until now...  Work sucked ass...  Waking up sucked ass...  The total fact that my stomach felt like a dirty dish rag being rung out over a prison sink sucked ass...  But the memory of last nights events still stirs in my head...  Watching my friends sing karaoke cracked me up...  But the sad thing is they were actually pretty good...  So it was kinda cool...  And I took my regular fill of cafe coffee...  A pot or two does me quite nice...  I guess that's what tore my stomach up...  And then why is it that when I go to make a bank run today...  I almost pass out behind the wheel because of the heat...  Damn it was hot today...  It wouldn't have been so bad if it weren't for my dish ragged stomach making me feel nauseous as hell...  But now as I write this...  I am enjoying a nice conversation with someone I just met in a bar...  It's kind of weird for me to meet someone in a bar when I don't drink...  I mean isn't that the point of going to a bar...  To drink...  I guess now I have a new reason to go to a bar...  To meet interesting women...  Beautiful women...  This woman in particular...  Shoulder length straight black cherry hair...  Smooth fair skin...  Beautiful eyes accented by these phatty pair of glasses she has on...  I'm sitting here talking about music and concerts...  Talking about me being straight edge and vegan...  Too bad she didn't stay longer...  For after she left I talked about her with my roommate...  My roommate and I have had this joke on how she is supposed to be finding some ass for me...  I'm not really worried about finding some ass...  Because I'm not about that...  But I told her that if she is going to find some ass for me...  It had to be just like her...  Not saying I would treat this woman in particular as just a piece of ass...  But I do have to admit...  Heh heh heh...  Just kidding...

What an eventful week I have had...  I went to my fifth prom...  My date said she had a good time...  But I am not exactly sure...  It was her prom and I tried to make it as special for her as my prom was for me...  But for some reason I don't think she had a good time...  I know I had a good time...  I danced more at this prom then any other prom I have been to...  And for the most part it was never with just one girl...  Yeah...  That's what I said...  The after prom party was really lame...  But the trip to the beach and then the rude waitress we met at IHOP made the night exciting...  And right now I would like to take this time to apologize to two people...  One of the girls that was with our group wanted a drink when we came back to my place to change...  And not knowing how she would react...  I let my roommate make her a semi-strong drink...  And she got tore up...  So I would like to apologize to her date for allowing it to happen...  And then I would like to apologize to her for what she had to deal with when her date found out...  Sorry guys...  My bad...  I hope you guys kiss and make up...  As for the other girls in our group...  Two in particular...  The ones I dance with the most...  You know who you are...  Thanks for the good time...  I had a blast...  Right now I am wishing I did not have to work the day after...  Therefore I could have gone with them to the greatest theme park in the world...  But oh well...  Maybe later this summer we can make it a date...  If I can remember what that is like...  Seeing as how I haven't been on one of those in over a year...

I talked to someone tonight that I haven't talked to in a while...  At first I was afraid to respond to the message thinking how she might act towards me...  But now I am glad I did...  This is someone that I tried to get close to almost two years ago...  But she didn't realize how much I cared for her until she left the area...  And I guess now she will never know what it could have been like...  She says she has the ability to come down this way for a weekend sometime in the near future...  Which would be great...  But I am scared about what might happen...  How I am going to feel when I see her...  How she is going to feel about me...  I learned that she is with someone now...  So it's almost like what's the point of her coming here...  But I think I would like to see her regardless...  Yeah I would...  Just give me the strength to not do anything stupid or get my hopes up too much...  I don't want to go through what I went through the last time she left me...

I received the funniest email today...  It was from someone that doesn't even know me as a person...  They accused me of being somewhat psycho and obsessed with a past relationship...  He said I dwelled to much on the past...  That I needed to move on...  I think this is funny for many reasons...  First of all I have moved so far on that I should be on another planet by now...  Yes it is true that I think about a certain past love every once in a while...  I can't help it...  It was a very important time in my life...  A very meaningful relationship...  Someone I will have a place for in my heart for all of eternity...  That can't be helped...  But in no way am I still in love with this person...  Much less seeking a continued courtship...  As far as dwelling on the past...  I believe that we must all remember past events...  It helps us learn and prepare for future challenges...  And if someone is too stupid to realize that...  Pity is all I have for you...  It is sad when someone judges someone not by their actions...  But rather by their written words...  Words that have no emotion behind them...  It's like trying to figure out what person someone is thinking about when they are writing a shopping list...  It's impossible...  It's like trying to figure out who I am talking about when I scribble...  Unless I tell you the story straight to your face or if you were there with me...  You have no idea what I am talking about...  So for someone to assume what kind of person I am...  It's like that old saying...  Don't ASSUME...  It makes an ASS out of U and ME...  So for that person that wrote me that very strange and disturbing letter today...  I hope you can better judge what kind of person I am now...  And I hope you have learned to stay out of other peoples' business...  Because you don't know shit about me...

Lately I have been talking to someone I met over the internet...  She lives a few states away...  But she plans to move just a few blocks away from me...  Which is odd yet exciting...  I have talked to her on the phone a few times...  And from what I can gather...  She is very unique...  We have so much in common...  Yet there is som much that we can learn from each other...  I really can't wait to meet her in person...  I know that my expectations are built up so high that I know I am going to be let down...  Not so much about her...  But more towards how she will react to me...  I only have another month and she will be here...  But right now I am so scared that she will lose interest before she even meets me...  I hope I can avoid this possibility...  I must not rush things like I have done so many times before...  It would truly suck if I got caught in that friend zone though...  That's when you move things fast enough and the other person doesn't think you are interested...  So you just become friends...  And the friend zone is hard to get out of...  Trust me...  I am in a lot of peoples' friend zones...

I feel as if I have gotten very close to someone...  Close yet still so far away...  Have you ever had the feeling that you miss someone even before you meet that person...  I am experiencing this emotion right now...  It is very unusual...  It's like I know so much about her...  And I can connect with her on most topics of discussion...  And I feel a sense of loneliness when I haven't talked to her in a few days...  Yet I have never met her in person...  At least not yet...  That day draws closer the more I think about it...  In fact only thirty days to go...  I was reminded of how long it has been since I really dated someone tonight...  A friend of mine was talking about how long he and his girl have been going out...  It feels very strange to know that I might have someone to start a serious relationship with in about a month...  But nothing is written in stone...  And just knowing that sort of pisses me off...  Just a little...  I can't really blame anyone...  Not even myself...  So I guess I can't really be pissed...  But hey...  Better to be pissed off than pissed on right...  That's what I have been told...  But why do I suddenly feel like things are not going to go as planned...  Like I really have a set plan...  But for some reason I know my hopes of what is to come are set way too high...  Like they always are...  I have to stop doing that...  Maybe my friend is right...  Maybe I should just not worry about it and let shit happen the way it is supposed to happen...  Whatever...

Whatever is right...  I did it again...  I built my hopes up for something that was not to be...  Like I always do...  Oh well...  Screw the world...  I got my week of paid vacation coming up...  I am going to do something to release my mind from all worries...  Haven't quite figured out what though...  I need to get out of Chesapeake...  This place sucks so hardcore...  Nobody here to hang out with anymore...  Nobody here to start any kind of meaningful relationship with...  I just need to get up and move somewhere...  Start fresh...  New crowd of people...  New social life...  New environment...  New everything...  Take my computers and posters of Tori and find a new place to live...  Somewhere far away...  Like down south or something...  And not tell anyone where I am going...  That way I won't be bringing any frustrations with me...  I think the frustrations in my life are what get me down the most...  And now everything is starting to become nothing but one big frustration after another...  I'm starting to believe in fate...  And I'm starting to believe my fate is to be alone and frustrated for the rest of my life...

Haven't written in a while...  Again...  Started talking to an old girlfriend of mine...  I came to the conclusion she had changed and matured after certain life experiences...  Thought just maybe we could possibly try something again...  But I am starting to see things that I don't like...  Tendencies that were prevalent the last time we dated...  So now I am wondering if the drama is too much...  Whether or not I am willing to try and get past the flaws in her personality and see her for the qualities I really enjoy out of her...  Sigh...  I had this discussion with her last night...  We both want to try to get back together...  But she has these issues with this other guy...  I could care less about him...  Her main concern is what if we start something and find out too late that it just isn't going to work...  Well I guess that's just the chance you have to take when you are dating...  Am I right...  I don't know why I am sweating this so much...  I know if this doesn't work I have other options...  For instance...  I just started the club to go along with the web site...  And hopefully I can find someone in there...  Sigh again...

Can you say drama out the ass...  I swear I go off to a concert with some friends...  And as soon as I get out from the show I got someone calling me giving me the third degree about where and with who I've been...  Scrap that...  That's something I definitely don't need...  Do I attract this crap or something...  I know I have probably asked this before...  But nobody ever answered me...  Well yeah they did answer me...  With more drama...  Such whackness...  Oh how I long for the day that I find someone that passes my "Test" with flying colors...  But I guess that will never happen...  Especially since I keep making it harder every time I add more questions...  I am just too freaking picky when it comes to women...  But can you really blame me...  I mean with the type of women that are out there these days...  I don't mean to sound pigheaded or anything...  But most of the women that I meet are just whinny demanding conceited bitches...  Well not all of them...  But most of them...  It kind of sucks...  I just need to hurry up and go to college or something...  I'm bound to meet someone there...

So I started talking to this girl again...  Well actually she started talking to me...  I never stopped...  She left me hanging after the first time we met...  But that's okay...  She completely redeemed herself the first few nights we started hanging out again...  We talked about a lot of different things...  Shared some stories about good and bad times...  It was cool...  It's like we have so much in common...  Scary almost...  Like she is the female version of me...  We went to a show up in Richmond...  Great show...  Kinda messed up how my car got towed afterwards...  Had to sit and wait for someone to come get us and take us to get my car out...  But other than that...  I had a lot of fun...  It seems that there hasn't been a point in time that I have spent with her where I haven't had fun...  But now I am worried...  Everything seems almost too real...  Like a good thing like this couldn't possibly be happening to me...  She is talking about going back up North to see some friends she left behind...  One in particular...  Now I am really worried...  I know nothing serious has come of this yet...  But I feel like something so good might be slipping away from me as I speak...  And the bad part is I have no way of keeping in contact with her while she is gone...  For over a week at that...  So we'll see...

I hate it when my abilities and knowledge are questioned...  I tell people what I am capable of and they feel like they have to test me...  Especially when it comes to computers...  It's like I know a lot about computers...  But I hate being called a computer "guru" or "genius" or some stupid crap like that...  I mean I don't have any degrees or certifications...  But I know a lot more than most people that do have that piece of paper...  So don't try and tell me some junk when you don't know what the hell you're talking about in the first place...  Damn it do your research...  And don't second judge me when I tell you something and I am without a doubt certain about it...

My fears came true...  Someone's original plans that I had hoped would change...  And did...  Are now back to the original plans...  Which means not only am I losing someone that I had hoped to get close to...  But losing a friend all together...  And now I feel like I don't even want to try and still be friends with her while she is still here...  I know that sounds very selfish of me...  But I don't want to feel even worse when she finally does leave...  So I'll take it day by day...  If she wants to spend time with me...  Cool...  If not...  Her loss...

I finally found a roommate...  I guess a somewhat unusual choice...  But I let my Mom move in...  I know it will be for the better...  But right now I am slightly pissed...  I didn't know exactly how much shit...  And I do mean shit...  She had until my apartment got trashed the day we moved all her stuff in...  I mean I can barely move around my own apartment...  It sucks ass...  But she is assuring me that it will be clean...  I sure hope so...  But this morning I was disturbed by something she had brought along with her...  She put all her food in my fridge and freezer...  So when I go to pull out my vegan waffles...  What do I find just chilling on top of everything else...  A nice frozen dead fish...  That's not something I wanted to EVER see...  Much less in my freezer...  So I told her that I couldn't have that stuff in my freezer...  So she just buried under some of her other frozen meat products...  Man this is going to be harder than I thought...

Well I trying to look past the drama to talk to an old friend...  I wouldn't mind spending some time with her just to hang out...  She was always a cool person to hang out with...  I admit I said some really bad things about her in the past...  But let the past be the past and look toward the future is what they say isn't it...  Last night was a very strange yet eventful night for me...  Didn't really do much...  But still had fun all in all...  Someone came over tonight to pick up their computer I had been working on...  They also brought me a late birthday gift...  But it was the best gifts I could have ever gotten...  My two most favorite movies of the late nineties...  And one of them being on DVD no less...  I do believe that I am going to stay up all hours of the night just to watch them...  I have seen both of them like a million times...  But they are such good movies...  One can't help but enjoy these movies a million and one times...

So I have been spending the past few nights with an old friend...  We went to this Italian pizza place down at the beach...  It was warm outside but cold as crap inside...  And there were these two really loud...  Really drunk guys sitting two tables away...  But the food was good and it was nice to get out and do something...  They way things have been going between the two of us...  Right now I am hoping that it may progress to something more...  I have really enjoyed her company...  And I have really enjoyed holding her the past few nights...  I want to be more than just friends with her...  And she knows it...  She tells me that she doesn't want our relationship to end up the same way it did last time we were close...  But I believe that I am the one that is more afraid of what might...  Or should I say what might not happen...

Again I haven't written in a while...  I started dating that girl...  I have a lot of fun with her when we go out...  But that's about the only time I have fun with her...  Needless to say we are not together anymore...  But the funny thing is that she left me...  And yes I find it very funny...  She bitched and complained that if we started dating again that she didn't want me to fuck her over...  And look what happens...  Oh well...  She has called me the past few nights wanting to hang out...  I know she wants to try again...  But I think this time I shall resist temptation...  We talked about it a little...  I told her that I was thinking about maybe talking to somebody else...  She got really mad at me when I told her that she wasn't as cute as this other person...  I won't lie...  She isn't...  Not that she herself isn't cute...  That one of her finer qualities...  But something about how she smokes and drinks just makes her cuteness go up in smoke whenever I see her...  So I think that is why...  I'll refer to her as the other person for now...  Is much cuter...  The only downside to this other person is that I don't think she has any clue that I am interested in her...  I have told a few people...  Wanting to somewhat keep it a secret...  Yet hoping maybe that the word that I like her will somehow mysteriously get out...  I'm so pathetic I know it...  I can't help it...  I'm a hopeless romantic as some people would like to put it...  Right now though the most pressing matters on my mind are what to get her for Christmas...  Since I know she already got me something...  I hate that crap...

Sincerely and most respectfully,

Daniel

Helmut Fork

Daniel,

I created something...  A true work of art it is...  From the outside I'm sure it is quite beautiful...  From the inside the complexity is astounding...  It has taken years to build...  With no beginning and no end...  There is no way to determine how to understand...  Or deal with it...  This work of art is my prison...  A confining condemning place...  Finally though I can say I have something all my own…  Great...  This is just what I always wanted...

 To speak out...  To scream...  To cry...  Oh that these would come to me...  My feelings hidden so deep within...  How can I feel anything...  I don't...  It's just a hollow space within...  Shelled over...  Covered...  Never to see surfacing...  It's pull is slow and dull...  But constant...  How does one survive...  How can life be nothing more than a fight for sanity...  Would it be better to let sanity go...  Become what I am...  An ethically nihilist animal...  Crushing right and wrong...  Tottering between madness and insanity...  All too clear this dark world is...  Once I knew who I was, once I knew what life was...

 Once I was even happy...  Oh that that day had never come...  To never have known happiness would be never to know how horrid life really is...  Why did God curse me with my birth...  Is it so amusing to see us wreath in sorrow...  And pain...  I suppose God never makes mistakes...  And that it is by the cursed free will of my parents that I come into existence...  Damned the day of my conception...  To a miscarriage I in the womb would have prayed had I know what this world was...  And what it is to live...

 Both hearts and thoughts fade away...  Those few you actually care about seem all too quickly to leave...  Friends fade to acquaintances...  And loves seem to disappear all together...  Those which you would lay down your life for...  No matter how trivial the cause may be...  Move away all too quickly...  They move on and forget who you are and what they mean to you...  As well as what you meant to them...  Though you know that they have not completely forgotten that there is a small place tucked somewhere deep within...  But it is you know that to them it is worth little to nothing...  Then again what is anything worth...  It is not change...  Or growing up that gets to someone...  It is things staying the same that destroys all...  

 Perhaps today is a good example...  Why don't we take our time...  The crisp cool air...  The sun shinning ever so slightly...  Dusk approaching...  Why doesn't anyone slow down and look at the things around us...  Are people so wrapped in themselves that they can't see the things which surround them...  Just sit every once in awhile...  Look out the window...  See the grass...  The sky...  The beauty...  Why is the world so beautiful and at the same time ready to take everything from us...  Is this the reason why people don't take the time to look...  They don't want to be reminded of the truth that we are just small particles within this world...

 Deliberation of thought...  What is thought...  Are we born with our ideas and live lives already built in...  Or are our thoughts and ideas nothing more than our daily experiences...  If they are already built in who's are they...  For surely not mine...  Perhaps they are in my possession but not my own...  If they come from experience then I'm at a loss again for I have had little to no control over what my experiences have been until just a short time ago...  That says that I am not me...  But the experiences I have been forced to see...  So who am I...  Who's am I...  What am I missing so that I can be me...

We met last year at your party...  I was the guy with your ex...  I read your scribbling and see that you still miss that someone you "ponder" about...  I don't know what to tell you...  But life does go on...  So you must go on and not dwell on the past...  Because for you to find someone else...  You must release the past...  I love her very much and that will never change...  We have grown together...  And have found each other through what I call fate...  I never knew I would find someone special like her...  She is the best...  I know the pain you know...  And it took me a while to move on...  But I moved on and found my best friend...  My soul mate and my partner in life...   In her...  I wish you the best of luck in finding your someone special...  But you have to move on...  To be honest with you and I don't want to sound like an ass...  Your obsession is boarder line psycho...  I read your scribbling and I see a person who longs to be held...  To be wanted...  And loved at any cost...  It reminds me of patients I deal with...  They are caught up in delusions of the past...  So much that they live their lives in the past...  I remember when we use to...  I remember when we did this...  Etc...  To have a fulfilling life you must be willing to understand the losses...  And move on...  A broken heart is a bad feeling...  But would you want to be obsessed with someone who doesn't have feelings for you...  I don't know if you knew this or not...  But she and I are engaged to be married...  I know this is news that you probably don't want to hear...  But you need to move
on with your life...  She and I agree that you need to move on with your life and not "ponder" the past...

My look on life is not jade from a love lost...  A poor childhood...  Or anything you hear about people blaming for a bad life...  I've had a good life...  A great life...  Lost a few loves...  Been hurt by my parents...  But those things are good...  I've learned from them...  They have shown me life...  Opened my eyes...  Shown me I'm not the only one here...  My look at life comes from knowing how the systems work...  Seeing how a few control many...  All the while the many are blind to their being used...  See people who could help others with almost no hassle to themselves don't even bother to take the time to say hello...  That is where my remorse for this world comes...  There may be only a few bad apples...  But there is a multitude of those who just don't care...  Are too busy to take two seconds of their time...  Or who think it is not them so they need not bother...

Love in hate...  O...  Wondrous hate can fall on someone not worthy of such fate...  I never again shall know her loving tender kiss...  If ever we stray on into the day an inspirational greeting from the holy lips I praise would bring me closer to a state not wholly known to be safe...  Rise above this burden of despair to meet my lady...  Shining...  Golden...  Fair...  Her beautiful lips...  Thighs...  Hands...  And eyes torment me past hate to an anger with no cause but her smooth and graceful display...  My heavenly stars above me from afar...  Shine so deep with piercing light...  Twist and distort my soul and pierce my heart with angelic forms of burdens heavy with weight...  All these images that consume my thoughts are of a life I will never want...

Hey man thanks for letting me unload some of my crap on the world...  Where to begin...  hmmm...  Well I'd like to say that I miss my "one"...  She will always be in myheart and sadly missed...  I just wished that she would notice me again like she did before...  Was all her words empty...  Was it just a phase...  Was it me...  I dunno...  I read your scribbling and I can relate to what you wrote...  I know how you feel...  And I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone...  Maybe one day she will realize it was her loss...  I feel as if I have this cloud of chaos and bad luck following me...  It's always raining on me...  Ugh...  But I know one thing I will not change how I am to suit someone else...  And to the local government who's driver cut me off and caused me to total my vehicle...  Go to hell...  It must be nice to be a big government and fuck the little guy...  Yea I was in an accident...  Yea your driver was at fault...  But your police ticketed me...  And covered their driver so to alleviate the blame off themselves...  It's a shame that it's always the little guy who gets the shaft...  What a world...  I know I must sound just a little negative...  But I do know that I am still who I was a year ago...  And I will continue to be myself...  This world is a beautiful place...  I often escape to go to the mountains and sit upon the summit...  And watch the stars dance upon the night skies...  To listen to the wind blow through the tree tops...  And for an instant...  The problems of life seem so distant...

Always and forever,

Anonymous