One of the best things in life is to have an endless stream of wisecracks to laugh at. In addition to jokes I'm a big fan of satire and I regularly check out sites like The Onion, which rarely posts articles that don't leave me half-dead from laughter.
Here are just a few of my favorites. It could take a while getting this list together, so you might as well check back for updates.
(My originals) You know you're a Republican when:
(1) You say you hate big government but don't dislike all activities that expand federal power - i.e. sending US troops thousands of miles away to kick third-world butt
(2) You love capitalism and free markets, unless you've been laid off recently or have gone bankrupt
(3) You think college admissions should be 100% merit-based but didn't mind voting for an Anglo-Saxon Protestant male who can hardly put together a proper English sentence, yet somehow made it to Yale
(4) If you're in the middle class, you think people are poor due to their own laziness
(5) If you're poor, you still vote Republican since it's better to be poor in a traditional society than to be richer in a society where you can't buy all the handguns and assault rifles you want
(6) You hate lawyers, except those who are either defending big tobacco and medical corporations or prosecuting a scandal-ridden Democrat
(7) You can't tell the difference between Iraq and Iran and don't give a damn about it either
(8) You're convinced that the media has a liberal bias
(9) You're convinced that China is an evil Communist dictatorship, unless you have investments there
(10) If you're male, you fantasize about Ann Coulter
(11) If you're female, you think that child-rearing is a woman's most important profession
(12) You hate 95% of journalists and reporters who don't work for Fox News
(13) You think that human life with all its moral implications begins the moment a man's sperm fertilizes a woman's egg
(14) You're certain that tax dollars which go to social welfare programs are guaranteed to be wasted but probably wouldn't oppose a tax hike if you're told it'll benefit the military
(15) You think that global warming and other environmental issues are part of a vast left-wing conspiracy
(My originals) You know you're a Democrat when:
(1) You think George W. Bush is a hopeless idiot
(2) You've lived in northern California for some time and never felt the urge to leave
(3) You don't think the media has a liberal bias
(4) You're inclined to support bigger and more centralized government but rarely say so out loud
(5) You may have reservations about racial quotas but shudder at the thought of too few black and Hispanic faces on college campuses and in corporate offices
(6) You're convinced that very few Americans would be living below the poverty line if we copied socialist countries like Sweden
(7) If you're rich, chances are you're either in Hollywood, work for a major law firm, or somehow became a labor-union bigshot
(8) You can't tell the difference between Iraq and Iran but question the wisdom of attacking either country
(9) You think Republicans like war too much but can't explain why most American wars in the past century were waged by Democrats
(10) You think that Bill Clinton shouldn't have been impeached for lying about a few blowjobs
(11) If you're male, chances are you aren't white and straight
(12) If you're female, you can't understand why many women oppose abortion and equal opportunity for women in the military
(13) You associate states' rights with regressive policies like racial segregation
(14) You dwell on America's shortcomings more than you celebrate its achievements
(15) You're black and you hate Clarence Thomas
A 95-year-old man visits a doctor and tells him how wonderful his life is: He's married a 25-year-old woman who's pregnant with his child. Upon hearing this the doctor says, "You know what? I think you should hear a story: 'One day, two men are walking in the woods. One of them carries an umbrella and the other carries a rifle. Upon spotting a big game bird roosting on a tree branch, the first guy brandishes his umbrella, points it at the bird, and fires the opening switch. The bird falls flat to the ground.'" The 95-year-old man remarks, "Well, I've never heard of a bird getting shot with an umbrella!" The doctor simply answers, "Don't you see my point?"
A guy enters a monastery to live a secluded life. He takes a vow of silence and is given a limit of two words to say every seven years. After the first seven years, he takes the opportunity to comment to the head monk: "Cold floors." Seven years pass. He then tells the head monk: "Bad food." Another seven years go by and he tells the head monk: "Getting boring." Finally, after another seven years, he declares: "I quit!" The head monk replies, "I'm not surprised. You've been complaining ever since you got here."
A guy drives uphill on a narrow two-lane road. A girl driving past in the opposite direction yells to him, "Pig!" The guy yells back, "Bitch!" Less than a minute later he finds his path blocked on the top of the hill by a big fat swine.
Here's a good one that compares the political/legal system of various countries:
In Germany, what's allowed is allowed and what's not allowed is not allowed.
In France, what's allowed is allowed and what's not allowed is also allowed.
In the Soviet Union, what's not allowed is not allowed and what's allowed is not allowed either.
In Communist China, what's not allowed is allowed and what's allowed is not allowed.
Here's a personal favorite of mine relating to the environmental friendliness of Communist governments:
What would happen if the Soviet army occupied the Sahara Desert?
For 500 years, nothing. Then it'll start running out of sand.
Healthcare was nominally free in the Soviet Union and in other Communist nations. Even today, critics of capitalism in the West claim that socialist countries achieved a measure of universal welfare that most free-market societies failed to match. Of course, the quality of universal healthcare in Communist societies was a whole other matter, as the following Soviet joke demonstrates.
A patient is brought into a Soviet hospital with a variety of painful symptoms.
Doctor #1: "Should we treat this patient?"
Doctor #2: "No, I think we should let him live."
Leonid Brezhnev (1905-1982) ruled the Soviet Union from 1964 until his death. How intelligent did his subjects consider him to be?
At the 1980 Moscow Olympics (boycotted by USA to protest Soviet invasion of Afghanistan), Comrade Brezhnev is to give a speech at the opening ceremony before an international audience. He is to read his lines from a huge board with words in large block letters. The Olympic emblem hangs proudly above the board. Brezhnev opens his speech: "Oh!-Oh!-Oh!-Oh!-Oh!"
Jiang Zemin (1926- ), the recently retired leader of Communist China, will be long remembered for introducing a brilliant political theory called the "Three Represents", which basically states that the Communist dictatorship "represents" popular will in Chinese society. Of course the Chinese people have even more praise for it:
George W. Bush, Vladimir Putin, and Jiang Zemin meet at a three-nation summit and discuss what their nations must do about Osama bin Laden.
Bush: Let's blow him up with three cruise missiles.
Putin: Let's send three beauties to assassinate him.
Jiang: Let's bore him to death with the Three Represents.