The Main Page
June 6th, 2000
Today is D-day. It is also my 18th birthday. I want to die now more than ever. Jesus fuck.
June 4th, 2000
I drank myself retarted on Friday, got a mew car (shared with my older brother) on Saturday (Chevy Lumina) and then proceeded to drop a pink butterfly, and my brother and I had the deepest conversations I have ever had with anyone. Then his 34 year old friend (an art critisism teacher) came over and did some e with us, and I think he's probably gay. I didn't get any sleep since Friday night so I'm gonna go to bed early tonight. If I can even sleep. Here's a link.
May 30, 2000
My parents left again...but it wasn't untill Sunday night, and I smoked a joint all to myself with my friend Jeff. I haven't smoked a whole joint by myself in a while. Then 2 speed freaks slept over at my house, I gave them a ride to a coffee shop early in the morning, I went to a job interview, came back to the coffee shop and they were still there. So out of pity I picked them up and we came back to my house just in time for Jeff to call, where Jeff and I proceeded to eat 2 hits of acid, and make a Hawiian Hotbax in my bathroom. I got so cooked. Then the 2 speed freeks were fighting and I was tripping out bad, so they called for a ride but Jeff left, I was paranoid, and they wasted a whole day of mine today. I tried hooking up with Jeff today, but he just so happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and (with some speed and acid dealers) and now he's in Jail. He's only 16, and I don't know what the charges are, but he wont be there for very long. It is still quite shitty. Well, I'm off to phone my school to say why I skipped the past 2 days, and then Maybe I'll rent a movie with my little brother because I am really really bored, and I feel sorry for him as well as my self.
May 27, 2000
I'm bored, it's raining, so I decided to update. Look what I got in my mail today!!
"Hey I caught a link to ya from glimpse. I like it. Your being yourself in your posts and thats awesome. None of that fake BS you get on other sites, where they are trying to be cool.
Anyways just thought id let ya know someone new came to your site."
Pretty cool stuff if I say so myself. That was from Shaun Minor and I thank him for e-mailing me. I got another e-mail from some guy who told me to smile more. Well I do smile lots, when the time is appropriate. Life isn't always happy and you have to deal with the negative aspects or they will eat you up inside. So fuck the smile...I also got an e-mail from Darky (the owner of the site www.glimpse.org).
"it be darky from glimpse.org i'll plug your page and drop a perm link tommorow. perhaps drop my banner on the left of your page or somethin.."
I think its kind of cool that people are coming to my site from his site. Just today I got 20 hits from his page, where I am usually only getting 1 or 2. Click his banner on the left side of the page...you may need to scroll down.
May 22, 2000
May long was an experience. I blasted speed all night long on Friday...did acid Sunday. I've done acid 7 times now. I hate my friend Ryan because he is so mean to me. My friends Derek and Jeff are some of the most important people in my life. But Jeff just went home. Now I'm alone. I'm really scared. I'm just gonna listen to some Ocean Machine, go to my room and cry, them masturbate and go to bed.
May 14, 2000
I smoked some more speed this week. I also went to a Strapping Young Lad/Smalls show. Metal is the shit.
May 10, 2000
Had a fun weekend smoking reefer. Parents went away, did mushrooms on Monday (and skipped my 2 afternoon classes) and tried speed for the first time on a Tuesday. Didn't go to 2 afternoon classes either. Well I had fun, but now I gotta face the school. Man...I hate study halls. They are bunk.
May 4, 2000
Wouldn't it be nice to be able to do what you want all day long? Like move to a place with someone you love and listen too your favorite music, play your favorite games, and possibly even do your favorite drugs for the rest of your life? Is it possible?
April 30, 2000
I have now done acid for a grand total of 6 times. I did 1 and a half tabs yesterday, but I don't know what kind they were. I also helped my older brother move some of his shit into our new apartment...which I will move into when I turn 18. Anyways...I really enjoy doing acid, as fucked up as it is...and who the fuck it Hooper?
April 24, 2000
I just wasted one hell of a weekend. I had to go to Outlook for a 4 day weekend where I could have gone raving, drank, and basically had a good time. I missed out. Oh well....it's not like I didn't have fun at my Grandmothers lake. Uggg. Don't wanna go there again unless I got drugs or beer. Well anyways, I had time to think. I am going to do something I have always wanted to do when I was little...Get a tattoo. Once I turn 18 I'll get my brother to buy me a tattoo of this danzig skull:
I'm gonna get it because Danzig rocks, he was my first concert and I grew up listening to him. Tattoo's are body art (if you call that art) so I can have it personal to me and only me. Other than that, I'm getting the tattoo just cuz I want to do something outrageously immature...(if you call a simple tattoo on the lower back something outrageous). Well time to watch some T.V. eat some muchies and get to bed to go to school. Ahh yes, it's all falling into place.
April 16, 2000
Last update for a while. I had a head full of 2 Star Wars tabs (4.5th time mind you) and an angry bi-polar parent to deal with. Angryer than Ive ever seen it, and at one point I was ready to beat someone who probably didnt even exist and I knew it, I was just to high...Acid fucks you up...I like it.
April 13, 2000
I'm fiending for a hoot right now. Fucking shit. I have to stay home and study for my Social 30 diploma, while my friends go get drunk with my brother, with my brothers money. WTF?
April 11, 2000
I am so lonely and almost completely hopeless. I want to go to another rave, but I don't really want to go with my usuall bunch of friends, because they are assholes, but I don't want to go alone. I hate being alone.
April 10, 2000
Poppin, stoppin, hoppin like a rabbit
When I take the Nina Ross ya know I gota ta have it
I lay back in the cut retain myself
Think about the shit, and I'm thinkin wealth
How can I makes my grip
And how should I make that nigga straight slip
Set trip, gotta get him for his grip
as I dip around the corner, now I'm on a-nother
mission, wishin, upon a star
Snoop Doggy Dogg with the caviar
In the back of the limo no demo, this is the real
Breakin niggaz down like Evander Holyfield, chill
to the next Episode
I make money, and I really don't love hoes
Tell ya the truth, I swoop in the Coupe
I used to sell loot, I used to shoot hoops
But now I, make, hits, every single day
With, that nigga, the diggy Dr. Dre
So lay back in the cut, motherfucker 'fore you get shot
It's 1-8-7 on a motherfuckin cop
Boy it's gettin hot, yes indeed it is
Snoop Dogg on the mic I'm about as crazy as Biz
Markie, spark the, chronic bud real quick
And let me get into some fly gangsta shit
Yeah, I lay back, stay back in the cut
Niggaz try to play the D-O-G like a mutt
I got a little message, don't try to see Snoop
I'm fin to fuck a bitch, what's her name it's Luke
You tried to see me, on the TV, youse a B.G.
D-O-double-G, yes I'm a O.G.
You can't see my homey Dr. Dre
So what the fuck a nigga like you gotta say
Gotta take a trip to the MIA
And serve your ass with a motherfuckin AK
You, can't, see, the D-O-double-G, cuz that be me
I'm servin um, swervin in the Coupe
The Lexus, flexes, from Long Beach to Texas
Sexist, hoes, they wanna get with this
Cuz Snoop Dogg is the shit, beeeatch!
Ahhhh, I'm somewhat brain boggled
So I look to the microphone and slowly start to wobble
Grab it, have it, stick it to the plug
It's Snoop, Doggy, I got a got a fat dub
Sack of the chronic in my back pocket loc
Need myself a lighter so I can't take a smoke
I toke everyday, I loc everyday
With the P-O-U-N-D and my nigga Dr. Dre
Lay back in the cut, like I told your ass
Gimme the microphone and let me hit you with a blast
I got a little cousin by the name of Daz
And bitches who fuck him, gimme the ass
Cuz they know about the shit that we be goin through
And they know about the shit that I be puttin up
And they be knowin bout the shit I do when I'm on the mic
Cause Snoop Dogg is Trump tight like a virgin, the surgeon
Is Dr. Drizzay, so lizzay, and plizzay
With D-O-double-Gizzay the fly human being seein
No I'm not European bein all I can
When I put the motherfuckin mic in my hand, and
You don't understand when I'm kickin
Cuz Snoop is on the mic and I gets wicked, follow me
Listen to me, cuz I do you like you wanna be done
Snoop Doggy Dogg on this three two one, umm
Dum, diddy-dum here I come
With the gat and the guitar was strung, I'm
not that lunatic nigga who you thought I was
When I caught you slippin, I'm gon catch you then I peel your cap
Snapped back, relax
Ya better not be slippin with them deez on the '83 Cadillac
So we gonna smoke a ounce to this
G's up hoes down while you motherfuckers bounce to this
Snoop Dogg is the goods.
April 9, 2000
The Danzig concert (with opening acts Six Feet Under and Disturbed) was awsome. Quite a good show for a first gig. It was great to see Glenn Danzig kicking some shit, and fuck did he have a good set, and even the light show wasn't too bad. Anyways, the day before yesterday (so Friday) I barely did shit. I just went out of the house for a while. I was gonna drink but my bunk ass had to be back by 12:00, so I had to get a ride home before my friends started drinking. So I got home an hour early, and watched Forrest Gump, and God damn man, Forrest Gump has been around for 6 years. Holy shit. Braveheart is a 5 year old movie. I can hardly believe, the Danzig concert is already over, and Warm & Fuzzy (my first & so far only rave) was almost two months ago. Things like that I will remember for ever, and my mom tries telling me that I won't remember them when I am older. Well then what the fuck is the point to carry on if I can't remember the good times? I mean Jesus fucking Christ, Warm & Fuzzy and the Danzig Concert were two of the best nights of my life that I will remember forever. So untill my next update... (if anyone reads this page)...check yourself before you wreck yourself.
April 7, 2000
It's 3:53 (p.m.) on a Friday. I just got home from school and had a snack. My older brother has a ticket for me to go see Danzig tommorow. It's gonna kick some shit. But how should I go? How should I get unsober? Acid? Beer? What to wear is a consideration too. And, most importantly, what to do tonight? Should I spend my allowance (a measly $25) on a hit of e tonight? To e or not to e, that is the question. Ok that was quite gay so I'm gonna end my update and go take a shit.
April 2, 2000
Ok I did e (blue butterfly) twice in one night at my brothers place, with 2 of my friends, and man, it just wasn't right. My friends don't like me for who I am. Once in a while when I am with my dealer (and friend) he will make me feel good by letting me be myself, and by looking out for me. My other friends think they fucking own me. And after feeling those feelings, and being e-tarded, I really started to think. What the fuck am I doing? Why am I still here?
Then I did e again, threw up, and did half a hit more, and it still wasn't the same as the first few times I did e. Maybe I need a girlfriend or something, I dunno, but I am constantly asking myself, why am I still here?
March 25, 2000
I've been sick since Thursday morning (didnt go to school) and fuck am I bored!
March 20, 2000
Jerry Garcia acid is fucking awsome. I can make shit happen. Except that I am probably gonna be kicked out of my house soon, and loose my computer. But not like I have anything to post anyways. So fuck it.
March 15, 2000
My page is slowly deteriorating already. I'm not updating much, it still sucks ass, and nobody reads it but me. I don't think I will update tommorow, and I didnt update yesterday becuase I have been busy cleaning the house becuase it went up for sale yesterday. I ate over 5 grams of mushrooms on Friday, and smoked doobie almost every other day. Yestday I got pissed off, some people came over to see our house (as people often do when a house goes up for sale) so my Mom and Step Dad decided it would be a good idea to leave the house. We all went out for supper at (and this is what pisses me off) Costco, then went to go see Mission to Mars and it was cheap movie night. I mean fuck. I still haven't gotten the money back from my tax return, but I think I want to pick up a lot of acid with it. I don't think I will be able to buy something usefull, because what the hell would I buy? I am thinking of getting a black light for my future room when I move out, but I will probably fail grade 12 and end up moving with my parents so fuck it. Oh well. Life's a bitch and then you die, so fuck the world and lets get high.
March 7, 2000
Oh god it's only Tuesday. I am sicker than a mouldy peice of shit, with a real bad ass cough...and to top that all off, I have a badass zit right on the side of my lip. Fuck. My back hurts too...from shoveling too much snow. I know I am a wuss, but I haven't engaged in any physical activity for quite some time. Probably since the rave on February 12th. Anyways, I had a bad ass dream last night, that I was sleeping on my bead, and I was on acid. It was wierd, and I was thinking quite clearly at some points of the dream. And uhh...yeah, I found a gram (or so) of weed in one of my teachers desk drawers. Some kids who saw it (while in the room with me) thought it was just some kids who had it and it got confescated, but I think otherwise. Man, almost everyone smokes doobie, so I wouldn't be suprized, I actually think it would be cool. Well, goodnight, and sweet dreams.
March 6, 2000
The thoughts have been flying today, maybe due to the fact that I have been sober for a couple days. I lost my temper for one of the first times in a long time. But how would you know I rarely lose my temper? Did you know I am I diabetic, and I fucking hate it with a passion. It holds me back from living the life I want. I am not who I want to be. Well, I'm not gonna try and give you my life story, becuase I can't give it to you, and it is probably boring. I cannot express the way I feel. Maybe becuase I am too stupid, or simply becuase I am a guy, but for whichever reason, I can't. If I could, then I probably wouldn't have this 'on-line' diary that no one (but me) ever reads.
March 5, 2000
For a few brief moments, starting during Friday as school, shit didn't suck. It was just a few moments of the day, but I enjoyed it. I think maybe I am at peace with myself...but then again, probably not. Anyways, I don't know what the future will bring, but I gotta set up a job interview tommorow and I know I won't make a very good electrician because I am the complete opposite of a handy man. I barely know the difference between a screwdriver and a battery charger. Anyways, once I get my money from my tax return, (from working asphault last summer) I will probably buy myself a ticket to a rave (can't remember what its called) on April 1st. It is supposed to be the biggest rave ever (in Alberta that is) with an expected 8,000 people or so. And my older brother might go to it too, that would be a fun fucking night. Or a fucking fun night, whichever you prefer.
March 1, 2000
Internet was down yesterday, so I couldn't update. I did however, smoke a doobie in my car with my litle brother, then we went to get guitar strings for my acoustic guitar. I got home in time for supper, just to leave again, and smoke some more doobie. Today, I just found out one of the hottest chicks in my school does drugs, it's always who you least expect. But shit she has probably done more e than me. And I think it's safe to say I'm losing my mind...shit still sucks.
Got Leather?
February 28, 2000
School sucks, I just started Social 30, so now I have no spares for the rest of the year (unless I pass the diploma that I am re-writing in April). Basically, I have no spares for the time being and it sucks ass. Anyways, I have an assload of Social homework to do tonight, and I don't know if I will do it all...but I want to get high and do some. Fuck man, I smoked a doobie with my little brother last night (with his money). I'm turning him into a chronic. Drugs have fucked me up...I think it was probably the ecstacy that has had the most effects on my brain...but give me a few more weeks, and I will be clinically insane from doing acid too many times.
February 27, 2000
Yesterdays update was, well, a tad fucked up. Anyways, I think acid might be my new choice drug, it's cheaper than beer for God's sake, and it fucks you right up. It can't be compared to e, but I think I will save that drug for raves, although, I will have to try a candy flip as soon as my parents go away.
On another note, yesterdays post had a point that I want to discuss. Does anyone actually read my website? Please e-mail me with any question, concern, hate-hail, advice, or quote that you think is worthwhile, and hey, I will even post it for you.
February 26, 2000
Drugs have got into spiritual thinking, so I guess I better find it in my music. Fist time acid, this will be a good memory to look back upon Jonathan. Star Wars = first time acid. Well maybe this post will benifit you later. Or benefit someone else (like anyone reads my posts...e-mail me if ya do...) ANyways, spiritual shit can be fund in the TUNEZ!!!! At a spiritual time like this [music] I leave with you at the end of my update, a little bit of Black Sabbath :
Practically every one of the top 40 records being played on every radio station in the united states is a communication to the children : to take a trip, to 'cop out,' to groove, the phsycodelic jackets on the record albums have their own hidden symbols and messages, as well as all the lyrics of all the top rock songs....And they all say the same refrain :
It's fun to take a trip PUT ACID IN YOUR VEINS!!!!
February 25, 2000
Hard to believe it's already Friday. It's been a short week mainly due to the fact that I had no school Monday, and I skipped Tuesday and Wednesday. I got the car last night if you were wondering...I got it tonight too, but there was nothing to do, so I rented Summer of Sam and watched it with my little brother. Pathetic I know, but I am a loser, what did you expect? On another note, I figured out what my problem is, I'm lonely. And I suck at guitar and everything else I do. Ok, that's about enough of that, I don't want your pity...Or maybe I do...
February 24, 2000
I went to school today! And shit, pretty soon I won't have any spares. Last night I got my diploma marks in the mail, and I failed Social 30. So, I gotta fill up my spare and take it again. I will re-write the damn test in April, and if I pass I can drop the class. But untill then, I have a full semester. I also have to start working soon, but it won't be bad, I'll actually have a fair amount of money. I'm getting $150 (or so) soon, from tax returns, so I can go to a rave or something. I'll go with my friend Elliot if I get the car, cuz he watches out for me in a nice kind of way. Well, enough personal shit, besides the fact that if I fail my Math 30 class I get to go to Saskatchewan with my parents, and redo Grade 12 again...like you cared.
February 23, 2000
I missed (ok skipped) another day of school today, and my parents got back while I was at home. Yet, they didn't catch on that I was skipping. They are just eagerly awating my report card so they can figure out what they are going to do with me. Can't wait. It's been a boring day so far, and I can't take the car tonight, dunno what the hell I'm gonna do. If my mom wasn't such a cheap ass with her money, maybe I could get my guitar fixed. And buy a new amp. Or something. Fucking shit Goddamn.
February 22, 2000
I went to my brothers place the other night, had some fun, slept there, came back into town, did some mushrooms, slept through school, then did jack shit with my friend who wanted to workout but didn't, no wait he wanted to work out yesterday. Lazy bastard...and he was supposed to quit smoking today, but made no attempt. I don't think it will be that bad if I have to move with my parents to Outlook (small town in Saskatchewan). As long as I can get high it will be fine. I'll hit the raves in Saskatoon, or wherever, and I will go alone witch is the way I would prefer it. I could also work at my parents rental shop late at night and get fucked out of my mind. Or I could stay here, work my ass off for the fucking leeches around here. BAH! I just don't know any more...we shall see what happens. Even if I get kicked out of my house, I will still try and update, because really, with all this technology, all I need is a computer and access to the internet.
February 20, 2000
Yesterday I had to stay home so I watched Lake Placid, and I had this conversation with some 49 year old man named R.B. :
R.B. - Jonathan should awaken from his dream and realize that he and only he is in charge of his destiny. Wake up from the nightmare and live.
Jøn - You think so?
R.B. - absolutely!
Jøn - Well...everyone is ignorant...just on
different subjects. How can I know how to live my life...there's nothing to compare it too.
R.B. - if you see nothing to strive for, you're
wearing blinders ... have you never seen anyone anywhere that you might like to be like? If not, then be unique but be clear that
you can do and be anything you set out to be. It's a rule.
Jøn - Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
R.B. - except death.. ever watch someone you love die? It's not something they want to do once there.
Jøn - Once you are dead you wont remember anything, the ultamite state of bliss.
R.B. - I wonder how you could possibly know that. It's not that life is or should be all that serious. God knows, I'm not very serious and I'm old...or getting old. The trick is to make those who would require you to be so, think
you are... then go skipping off and do what you do.
Jøn - But how do you know that? How many lives have you lived; and how many of those lives were classified as good ones?
R.B. - just this one that I'm aware of... and it's been like a fucking roller coaster ... but there are thrills in both directions .. I regret the bad shit.. I savor the memories of the good. I've been a junkie and I've been very sucessful... I don't have all the answers but I know the ride is worth the effort.
Jøn - Well I suppose thats true. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain...or something like that.
R.B. - that's very good ... and true. My mistakes made me better... at what? just about everything. Maybe the next time around I won't have to fuck with the mundane shit.
Jøn - I don't believe in a next time around though. And as for better and worse, or good and bad....such things aren't real, only thinking makes them so.
R.B. - I'm not sure I believe in the "nexttime" either. If it happens .. well, that's cool. Thinking is something we get to do.. it shapes your world. Think of the horror of not thinking. Would it be better to be a potatoe? I think not. I like sex too much.. I like to
think about a young hot lil babe jogging along
the beach..
Jøn - Iggnorance is bliss, and one cannot experience great joy, until they have experienced great sorrow.
R.B. - only the ignorant can testify to that bliss. Imagine the other side of taht coin... suppose the ignorant are aware of being intelligent .. but just can't seem to make the connection.. are they truley blissful?
Jøn - Have you ever seen a mentally handicap person? They are almost always happy. They don't have the intelligence to even begin to comprehend what being intelligent is like. Just like leading a sober life, it is totally different. You never know what you are missing.
R.B. - I would not trade a minute with them.. and yes, I've known a few .. I've also know junkies who wasted themselves... who is happier? I think life is teh proper choice..it just feels right. ya know?
Jøn - I know what you mean, even though I don't remember making that choice.
R.B. - hehe anyway, you're blessed with intelligence, obviously .. use it to your advantage.. have a long and happy life .. just because you can . . .
Jøn - Ya but it won't start untill I'm 18; when I move out of the house, and get a job. Then I will have a little more freedom to do things, and have fun.
R.B. - you can't be that far from 18 right? I threw away the first 10 years of my life... I hope you don't do that...
Jøn - I turn 18 in June, then I finish school, and then my family moves away. I'll be getting and apartment and working...5 days a week my body will be a temple, helping me to work, and getting me through life. The other two, it will be an amusement park.
R.B. - lol... I like that... that's pretty much my life in a nutshell... hang in there man... you
got lots of surprises ahead... I hope you handle them well. I think you might... you sound pretty smart.
Jøn - :)
Jøn - Anyways I'm gonna go do something, like get high, or watch a movie. It was nice talking to you, it's always good to get some posotive feedback.
R.B. - take care my friend... be careful..
Jøn - Bye
He seems to be a happy fellow, and you know what they say, iggnorance is bliss. Anyways, I get Monday off so I want to get high.
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