Also, if you just can't get enough of Hip Hop's writing, hop over to Esther Bunny's Creature Cottage and read her most intimate thoughts in Esther's DAYBOOK and Lilith's ruminations in Lilith's Log
The time comes in everybunny's life when she knows the end is near and it's time to put her affairs in order. I'm not one to wallow in sentimentality or self-pity. I've packed a lot of living into my 8 1/2 years and now that my life's journey is reaching it's finish, I can take pleasure in looking back over my long and rewarding life. I've had a good, long run and I'd like to share some of the highlights with you now.
Obviously, I'm proud of my column and the web page I started this past spring. Few bunnies have had the opportunities I've had to share my views and opinions with so many friends. I was please to be invited to contribute to the newsletter of a new bunny rescue group's in the United Kingdom, to add some much needed humor to the very serious subject of homeless rabbits.
But fame is a fleeting thing, as everybunny knows. And nobunny would be foolish enough to focus their lives on achieving it. The accomplishments I'm most proud of lie closer to my home. One of my first challenges was training my human to respect the lagomorph lifestyle and (after a bit of give and take) grant me free run of the house. I was mom's first rabbit companion, but thanks to my masterful instruction, I'm sure I won't be her last. My successors will certainly benefit from the groundwork I laid.
And I'm proud of my determined (though unsuccessful) efforts to befriend my guinea pig sibling, Buffy, when I first moved in. Her determination (not to be friends) turned out to be stronger than mine, but I never gave up or accepted defeat. It's the rabbit way to take charge of a new environment, subtly but firmly transforming it into a rabbit-friendly place. Nobunny can deny the mark I've left in every room of my adopted home - a mark that clearly states "a rabbit lives here!"
Like any self-respecting bunny, I've played my share of jokes. I remember the many times I hide among the books on the office shelves, watching mom frantically search the room calling me. Sometimes she was close enough to bite (if I was that kind of bunny) and still didn't see me. Leaping out from unexpected places to attack mom's shoes when she walked by never failed to surprise her. And keeping mom awake all night by boxing her shoes around in the closet was always amusing (to me at least).
Everybunny enjoys indulging in life's small pleasures, and I'm no exception. Some of the things I've loved in my life are crispy carrots in the morning and luscious apples for lunch. Dancing around mom's feet when she tries to walk or snuggling up to her feet while she works at the computer. Playing with my favorite chew toys, like the old sundress mom can't wear anymore 'cause I've nibbled too many holes in it. Playing tag. Relaxing while mom brushes me or gives me a face massage and ear rub. Racing up and down the stairs. Taking a sunbath on a lazy afternoon. Leaping in the air at the shear joy of being a bunny. And scarfing down a few too many delicious yogurt drops (my very favorite treats).
And of course I had my share of adventures. I'll never forget the great squirrel invasion. Nobunny every defended her home more bravely than I did that morning (though mom still disputes my version of events). The day a bat got loose in the house, watching mom try to herd it out the front door was first-rate entertainment. Even the daily turmoil and excitement of our home office always kept me hopping, so to speak.
Yes, I've had a rich, full life and I'm ready to take my well-deserved final rest with no regrets. My life has been well spent - no unfinished business, no threads in the pattern of my life left dangling.
I know I'll leave a terrible gaping hole in mom's life when I go - it can't be helped. I'm too charming for my own good sometimes. But, as a wise bunny once said, life goes on even after our race is run. After a suitable period of mourning, I'm sure mom will take in another deserving young hopper looking for a good home. If she (or he) shares my talent for writing I hope my readers will soon be laughing and smiling at her wisdom and wit, just as you have at mine over the past years. But for now, this is Esther Bunny, the Hip Hop Reporter, signing off for the last time.
[Note from the Editor (aka "mom": Esther died peacefully and her spirit hopped on to the Great Lettuce Patch in the Sky in October. She was buried in a private ceremony, wrapped in the old sundress she'd "adopted" as her favorite chewtoy with an unfinished box of her beloved yogurt drops by her side. She will be deeply missed.]
I've noticed something curious recently. Some of the creatures I've been visiting on the Web are unexpectedly rabbitlike. I'm beginning to suspect all the different species aren't so different under the fur.
Take ferrets, for instance. Rabbits have never taken much to the species in nature. They sure don't look much like us. Who would guess that underneath their weasel ways they'd have the fun-loving, happy-go-lucky personalities of rabbits. At the Funny Ferrets site I also discovered that some ferrets are obsessed with human footwear, an interest I regard as very healthy and rabbitlike.
Dogs share this passion, too, especially puppies. Personally I think they take their obsession too far, though. We rabbits are usually content with a vigorous investigation of a favorite shoe. We occasionally nudge and even toss it around for fun. Nibbling on the laces or buckles isn't out of the question, and it's perfectly acceptable to use a shoe as a sparing partner to sharpen one's skills in rabbit punching. But we'd certainly never actually EAT the shoe!
But I suppose this is simply a matter of taste. Dogs I've met on the Web actually have many rabbit traits. They love to play. Like us, they've had mixed success in training their humans. And of course we both enjoy a good joke, especially at our humans' expense.
Cats, you might imagine, have nothing in common with rabbits, but you'd be wrong. The feline, I've found, shares the bunny's love of comfort and our uncompromising personality. Like us, they take their independent spirit very seriously. Like us, they know how to keep a secret and never reveal all they know. And, of course, we're both meticulous about our grooming.
Recently I've been visiting prairie dogs - you'd be surprised how many have set up shop on the web!
Ironically, prairie dogs aren't dogs at all, they're rodents and we rabbits are often mistaken for rodents but we're lagomorphs. Still, we share many traits with these amiable ground dwellers. We love digging holes in the ground (or the floor if no ground is available). We have a lively, sociable community spirit. We're both playful and mischievous and irresistibly cute.
I'm very grateful for the Web which brings so many different creatures together to discover their common interests. In the real world we'd probably never meet, and frankly if we did our predator-prey relationships might very well keep us from appreciating each others' better qualities.
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
Lately I've been having a lot of profound thoughts. I celebrate my 8 1/2 year anniversary this month - a respectable age for a rabbit. I'm, no doubt, reaching that stage in life when rabbits typically become wise and philosophical. I don't know if this happens with humans, too - mom seems to be getting up in years, too, but I haven't noticed any signs of the transition in her yet.
Whatever, I'm sure humans could benefit from some of my recent insights. I present them in no particular order:
I've observed that cats are very rabbit-like in their meticulous grooming and bathing habits. However, they're not at all rabbit-like in other ways. Why is this? My theory is, it's a ploy on the part of cat to endear themselves to humans. There's nothing as cute as a bunny quietly and purposefully grooming herself. Cats, being highly intelligent creatures, realized that adopting this habit would fool people into thinking they were a cute a cuddly species (which humans like very much) instead of the clever and cunning types (which humans don't like as much) they really are. The ploy seems to have worked beyond their wildest dreams.
Dogs have adopted a different strategy. They've chosen to play up their qualities of loyalty, courage, and unswerving devotion to duty. Actually, they're just being themselves, which is basically what dogs do best. "Ploys" just aren't their style. All the same, the canine way seems to have worked very well, too.
Birds, like bunnies, have a reputation among people of being "not too bright." I suspect they have an ulterior motive for playing dumb. For one thing, parrots and other talking birds have actually managed to convince many humans that they don't really know what they're saying. This allows them to get away with a lot of rude behavior and "salty language." I'm sure they have a good chuckle over their humans' embarrassment because they understand exactly what they're saying.
This only proves the old lapine saying which every bunny learns at his mother's paws: "It takes a really smart rabbit to be a dumb bunny."
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
All I've been hearing lately on the news is this stuff about Pathfinder on Mars. To me, the pictures it's been sending back looks like a lot of rocks and dirt - kind of like those pictures from the moon. Everyone's all excited about it, but frankly it doesn't look very inviting. I don't think I'll be packing my bags for a visit anytime soon.
Bunnies don't ask for much in life, but we do prefer a little more vegetation in our environment than I've seen so far on Mars. This planet suits us just fine at least for the time being. I don't mean to be an alarmist, but I find it a little disturbing that they discovered Mars once had lots of water, some several million years ago - long before I was born, though some of my prehistoric ancestors may have ben hopping about. But today, Mars is dry as a bone. Bummer! Not much can grown without water, you know. No lettuce, for instance, or carrots. So just where did all that water go? Our planet wouldn't look so hot, either, if all our water dried up some day. I hope the scientists who investigate things like this are busy trying to find out just what happened on Mars and making sure it doesn't happen here, too.
Anyway, for right now, I'm not too worried. we still seem to have plenty of water, at least in this part of the planet. I believe it rained here just a couple of days ago. I think the world should be safe for lettuce and carrots and the rabbits who eat them for a few more years.
Still, it might not be such a bad idea to take a look around the rest of the universe, check out a few more planets in the neighborhood - just in case.
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
I knew it would happen again. It happens every year around this time. It's summer. I hate summer.
I've shed my winter coat - mom's still finding pieces of it flying around the house - but my summer coat still feels too heavy. And sticky, too.
Luckily, as a rabbit, I'm able to clear my schedule when emergency situations like this arise. I can stretch out under the guest room bed, where it's dark and reasonably cool, and just wait it out. Sometimes mom rubs my ears with an ice cube. That feels really nice. But basically its just way to hot for normal activities - too hot for hopping, or grooming, or working at the computer.
In fact, the computer has been complaining all day about being turned on, and it's generally a good idea to steer clear of it when its in one of its moods. Another good reason for avoiding work is that my brain is starting to turn to mush. Mom's is too, but she doesn't seem to notice the difference.
All of which brings me back to my main point, which is that it's really, really hot today, and frankly I don't like it one little bit.
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
For some 8 years now I've been observing humans, and I've finally come to one conculsion: people spend way too much time working for things they don't even need. Not that I'm opposed to working for a living, of course. We all have to make a living. It's just that so many humans seem to have forgotten the "living" part of the deal.
A wise old rabbit once said, "Grass doesn't grow on trees; it grows out of the ground - and there's plenty of it for everybunny." And the ground is also just perfect for digging comfy holes to hide and rest in - so what's the deal with this "money" everyone's working so hard to get. You can't eat it, and it doesn't make a cozy lining for your nest. As soon as you get it you just have to give it away in exchange for something really useful. It doesn't make any sense!
I guess I'm just expecting too much from humans - after all, we know they're not as smart as rabbits and certainly not as cute and cuddly. Still, I don't know why they're always getting themselves bogged down in unimportant things and forgetting to enjoy all the grass that's right under their noses. I'm sure they'd be a lot happier if they just gave up on that trouble-making money and concentrated on more practical goals, like learning how to grow their own fur coats, for example, or cultivating a nice garden of delicious vegetables. Then housebunnies like me could spend more quality time with our humans doing really important stuff - stretching out for a nap in a nice patch of sunlight, chasing each other around the house, nibbling our veggies together, and grooming each other's coats. Now wouldn't that be much more fun than paying bills?
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
OK, I'm the first to admit I've really been packing on the ounces lately. I enjoy my nibbles, and I guess some of the spring has gone out of my hop lately - after all, I celebrated by 8th birthday this March. A quiet snooze in the sun has more appeal than it did when I was still a young hopper.
It's true I've lost my girlish figure - well it's not so much lost as well-padded, really. But is that any excuse for mom threatening to cut back on the treats?! Do I hide her ice cream when she starts to blimp out? No I don't! And it's not just because I can't reach the freezer door, either. It's because I respect her decision to make a pig of herself when she wants to.
Humans, of course, are the last species who should be lecturing their fellow mammals on the hazards of carrying around too much weight. Not that I don't appreciate mom's concern for my health, but I pride myself in my nutritious, well-balanced diet. I eat my veggies every day, and never touch red meats or unwholesome fatty foods. An occasional yogurt drop treat is my only indulgence, really . . . well, OK, it's more than occasional. But let me tell you, I don't buy for a minute mom's theory that chocolate made in the shape of Easter bunnies is much less fattening than regular chocolate - it's still the same stuff!! Anybunny knows that!
Anyway, I've put up with mom's attempts to get me to exercise more. Bunnies like to run and hop. And playing chase is always fun, though to be honest, keeping a few hops ahead of your average human is not much of a challenge. True, I no longer zip around the house as I did in my foolish youth. Frankly, I've replaced youthful vigor with some middle-aged wisdom. I've discovered over the years that the upstairs is pretty much the same as the downstairs, and if I stay put for a few hours I'm not likely to miss much. The furniture I like to gnaw on and the rugs I enjoy shredding aren't going anywhere soon. So, what's the rush? I'll make my rounds eventually. I just take my time and spend more time savoring the moment these days.
Hoping to cut down on my snaking, mom's taken to offering me half a treat, thinking I won't notice the difference. Well, I'm no dumb bunny! I just have to demand my treats more often, so what's the point? Most humans, I've found, simply aren't blessed with an abundance of good common sense.
The fact is, for an eight-year-old bunny, I'm really quite healthy and spry when I want to be. I can still run circles around my mom, shred the Sunday paper before noon, and produce a very healthy supply of bunny "pellets" every day. If my waistline is expanding a bit, well, that means there's just more of me to love! What could be wrong with that?
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
Well, Easter is finally over! It's been a hectic season here at Paw Prints Post, and I've fallen way behind in my column writing. I haven't had another bout of Spring fever - a serious occupational hazard for bunnies. In fact, I've been very busy setting up my own personal web site. I'm inviting all my fans over for a friendly housewarming. You can sign my new Guestbook there and let me know what you think.
Keeping two web sites active and up to date has been trickier than I'd expected. We rabbits aren't techies by nature. As you might suspect, we'd rather spend our days nibbling grass in a sunny meadow than struggling with unruly html codes and surly web browsers. I guess it's just the price we pay to stay connected to the growing global rabbit community.
Believe me, the number of global bunnies hopping onto the world wide web is multiplying like . . . well, like rabbits. I've even heard cyber-rumors of a bunny plot to take over the world being "hatched" by a newsgroup called alt.devilbunnies. I've been monitoring this group for a few days now, and I'm convinced that, in fact, these are not REAL BUNNIES at all but humans PRETENDING to be bunnies. You might find their daily bantering amusing, though.
I still prefer keeping in touch with the rabbits and their humans in the alt.pets.rabbits newsgroup. I'm pleased to see how eager many of our human companions are to understand our behavior and needs. Why do we like to run in circles around our humans, for example? Circling is a popular rabbit activity which has many meanings. It's part of our mating rituals, our formal greetings, and a way of defining our territory or dominance. What it means in specific situations is entirely up to the individual bunny.
"Chinning" is another popular rabbit habit that intrigues many of our people. We have a special chin gland that we like to mark our property with. Many species mark their property is similar ways. Humans don't appear to have special marking glands, but they seem to think a lot of things "belong" to them anyway. My mom, for instance, thinks everything in our house is "hers" even though I've clearly marked it all as mine.
This brings me to my final word for today. I urge all rabbits - and other species as well - to participate more actively in the pet newgroups. Obviously, many of our humans are very confused and need more guidance from us. I know many of you get a good chuckle out of their efforts to exchange "information" about our behavior. I can't help but laugh at their mistaken ideas sometimes, but I'm afraid they'll never learn the truth without our help. So let's all vow to spend a little more of our time communicating with our people as well as with each other. That's what the great global animal community is all about.
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
I'm sure you can understand my dismay at reading that rabbits simply aren't getting their fair share of gifts from their human companions. A recent study (see Bad News for Bunnies) showed that most dog people buy toys and other gifts for their canine companions, and about half of all cat people give their feline friends holiday and birthday gifts. The average rodent and a lot of reptiles are apparently doing better than us bunnies, too! In fact, only one rabbit in four is receiving toys or special gifts from their humans!! This is appalling!
Naturally, I hopped right onto the job of setting things straight. I consulted with my lapin pals on the internet, who hang out in the alt.pet.rabbit newsgroup. I thumped out the message, calling for solutions and helpful gift suggestions, and quicker than you could flick your tail, the responses poured in.
Robin wrote that house bunnies frequently enjoy "deer antler pieces, old washed-out big bones, hard rubber balls with bells, towels, sheets of newspapers, and bare metal shelves to scratch and thump on" when their humans are trying to sleep. Excellent suggestions, and really quite cheap for those of you whose humans are on a tight budget (well, I'm not sure about the deer antlers, actually).
Babette, a small black and white bunny from Florida, wrote in to tell a sad tale of what sometimes happens when playful rabbits are left to find their own fun. As her mom was reading one of my clever columns on Paw Prints' webpage, Babette "looked for something quiet to do . . . I chewed the lamp cord. ALL THE WAY THROUGH. The lamp went off right in the middle of mum's reading!! I didn't know it would do that. . . ." I've found that electrical things simply can't be trusted (and mom agrees, as she frequently has to curse at the computer and trick it into working properly), but how's a bunny to learn this without a little experimentation? We are a very curious species, after all. If you want to keep us away from those nasty electrical cords and out of trouble, you'd better get us some nice playthings to gnaw on.
Finally, I received a lovely long e-mail message from Rosie the rabbit, who, much like myself, stays home to help her mom out. Rosie prefers chewing on her metal cage rather than cords or wood, but she also enjoys assisting her humans at the computer, by "hopping on the back of the couch to get my humans attention." Unfortunately, she's been banned from hopping onto the keyboard after opening a file she apparently shouldn't have been reading.
One of Rosie's favorite toys is her human brother's Legos, which she likes to steal from his room. And for those times when she's feeling especially adventurous, Rosie recommends a nice car seat so she can look out the window when the family goes for a ride.
Now these are only a few ideas you might suggest to your humans to improve your quality of life. They tend to get too wrapped up in their own affairs, and it's a conscientious rabbit's duty to put a stop to that kind of nonsense. We like to be the center of attention, too. And with spring in the air, we're feeling especially frisky and playful. Maybe we can't catch a flying frisbee or amuse our humans by attacking a catnip mouse, but like all companion animals, rabbits just want to have fun.
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
Bad News for Bunnies
Kicking back at the end of a hard day to read my favorite pet
columnists is one of my favorite ways to relax, but recently my
evening routine was disturbed by some very unsettling news. Rabbits,
it seems, are being shamefully neglected by their humans who forget
to include their bunnies in their gift-giving rituals! While dogs
and cats are regularly showered with holiday and birthday gifts,
equally deserving rabbits are being overlooked.
True, there's no shortage of fun things to buy for your favorite
felines and canines - I sometimes wish I had a little spare change
to spend on some of the cool things I've seen in the pet catalogs
I browse through.But even guinea pigs and hamster are making out
better than my fellow lapins!!
Frankly, I'm appalled! Nobunny loves to play more than a rabbit!
We enjoy a special treat to nibble on from time to time as much
as the next creature. A nice new feeding bowl, an interesting
wicker basket to explore, an amusing slinky toy or an inviting
chewing block would all be much appreciated - is this too much
to expect for our faithful companionship . . . a little show of
appreciation?!
Well, it's obvious what's going on here. It's always the squeaky
pet who gets "oiled," so to speak - or the barking dog
or meowing cat. Listen, just 'cause we bunnies don't "speak
up" for ourselves doesn't mean you can just ignore us when
gifts are being exchanged.
Maybe this isn't the best time to bring this up. I realize its
the post-holiday season and you're probably all shopped out. But,
hey, you must have a leftover carton or two! We could make a very
enjoyable romp room out of that, and you wouldn't even have to
wrap it up for us! We don't ask much, just a simple token of your
affection.
Fortunately, if you've been negligent in the past, the perfect
opportunity to make it up to us is right around the corner - that's
right, spring is coming (really, I swear it is!). It's the time
of year when the Great Easter Bunny chases away the cold, gloomy
winter and spreads cheer and rebirth to all of nature! What better
time to honor your rabbit companions than this most sacred bunny
season?
Of course, you don't need a special occasion to give your animal
friends a gift. We're always happy to get a little extra attention.
Just remember, you rabbit people, you have a lot of catching up
to do the the pet gift-giving department.
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
Esther Saves the Day
Heroic hares . . . brave bunnies - OK, I admit, these images don't
immediately leap to mind when you humans think about your cute,
cuddly rabbit companions. Sure, you hear about courageous canines
and fearless felines all the time, but nobody expects us little
hoppers to spring to the rescue in a dangerous situation. Well,
let me tell you, it takes a lot of courage to be a small furry
herbivore in a world full of great big predator types - not to
mention large, clumsy humans who just aren't as finely atuned
to our rabbitlike maneuvers around their feet as we'd like . .
.
But wait a minute, I'm' hopping off my point, which is that, simply
put, every human household would be a lot safer with a trusty
bunny on guard duty. If you think I'm just pulling your paw, let
me tell you about my own recent bout with danger.
The day started out peacefully enough - the ritual morning feeding,
and greeting session, mom settled in for a day of "work"
at her computer, I complete my rigorous morning run and was ready
to enjoy a quick morning bunnynap listening to my favorite baroque
tunes on the radio, when suddenly, my keen ears began twitching.
Something was definitely not as it should be!!
A quick inspection of the perimeter of my territory was all it
took to determine the source of the "bad vibes" - a
wayward squirrel had invaded MY HOUSE!!! Now, don't get me wrong,
I have no quarrel with individuals of the squirrel persuasion.
But they should know their place, which is outside, not in my
warren. Not that misguided rodent was entirely at fault - he'd
simply taken a wrong turn from his nest under our roof and fallen
through the hole in our kitchen ceiling [mom's got to do something
about that hole!], and finding no stray acorns or peanuts lying
about on the kitchen table or counters, scurried up the stairs
and began poking his uninvited nose into MY ROOM, rudely sniffing
around MY FOOD DISH!!!
This was just too much for even the mildest mannered bunny to
put up with. I just had to put my foot down - and I put it down
hard and loud . . . several times for good measure [you can never
be too emphatic when you're trying to get a message through to
a human. Believe me, the only way to communicate anything to them
is by being loud, insistent, and repeating the message over and
over.] Well, to make a long story not quite so long, mom finally
caught on the something was horribly wrong. After a few mor carefully
placed foot thumps, some excited circling, and a little helpful
ear pointing toward the currently invaded room, mom "discovered"
the wily creature in her bedroom and eventually persuaded the
little intruder to take a hike.
The hole was patched up with some strong new cardboard, so we're
temporarily safe from future squirrel invasions. And, of course,
I was well rewarded for my quick thinking and brave actions. Yes,
it is was all in a day's work for Esther - Superbunny!
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
Games Rabbits Play
Whew! We've finally finished judging our pet photo contest
- and I'm proud to say all the bunny entries did very well - and
I was ready to kick back and enjoy a well deserved rest. But noooo!
My "publisher" is on my back looking for my next column.
As they say, a bunny's work is never done.
Of course, there's no reason I can't combine my work with a little
play. So this month I've cleverly assigned myself the task of
digging up some useful information on how the typical house rabbit
entertains herself. My first stop is my favorite source of rabbit
gossip and news, the internet rabbit newsgroup (alt.pets.rabbits).
This lively group of rabbit people is sure to have something to
say about rabbit recreation.
In fact, in no time at all I found an ongoing discussion on bunny
games. Rabbits are apparently playing with a variety of non-rabbit
items - cat toys are popular, and more than a few rabbits, it
seems, are into slinkies. To each his own, I always say, but these
grab and toss toys aren't really my cup of tea. True, they make
satisfying ringing, rattling, and clunking noises when properly
shaken or thrown, but these simple activities are hardly challenging
.
A number of humans have discovered their more ambitious rabbit
companions enjoy manipulating a variety of paper products, redesigning
cardboard boxes, and negotiating obstacle courses. Well, as you
can see, bunnies can't be easily "pigeonholed." We have
a wide range of interests and naturally our recreational interests
are likewise diverse. To simplify the subject, lets divide rabbit
play into a few broad categories: snuggling, tossing, running,
creative design, and wrestling.
Snuggling, of course, needs no explanation. We all enjoy this
activity with fellow rabbits and our favorite humans. Tossing
seems to occupy somebunnies for hours on end - particularly if
it involves an annoying noise at , say, 3 a.m. when your humans
are trying to sleep. Well, it is amusing but you can carry a good
joke too far.
Running games are more interesting, and you can combine them with
some of your tossing techniques. Lisa (Eve's mom) described
her bunnies' game of "running around the floor with 'stolen'
objects" - a highly sophisticated activity clearly requiring
great coordination. I've discovered a lot of fun can be had using
the perforated ends of computer paper. They trail behind me like
a banner as I streak by, and they're also quite munchable. They
can be distributed around the floor in interesting patterns or
shredded and deposited inside a convenient carton to make a cozy
nest.
However, an object to carry isn't essential to enjoy a running
game. Rabbit tag, for example, combines the thrill of running,
dodging objects, making hare-pin turns and leaps, and engaging
your human friends in a little much needed physical activity.
As a creative outlet, nothing beats the challenge of making a
pleasant refuge out of a plain cardboard box. My office bungalow
is the result of hundreds of hours of design and construction
work, creating doors, windows, a back porch, shredded-paper floors
and other personalized features - and, of course, nudging and
shoving the structure into exactly the right position to get the
most scenic view from the front window.
As fulfilling as these creative projects are, though, there's
nothing more stimulating than a little wrestling with a favorite
object. Another bunny would be ideal, but lacking that many rabbits
have "adopted" slinkies, stuffed animals, or "found"
toys like paper towel rolls. Personally, I prefer mom's clothes,
particularly while she's wearing them. Grabbing hold of the hem
of her skirt, I can dance and weave around in intricate patterns
until I'm completely tangled up. It's great fun, but it does have
its hazards. Now, I love my human as much as the next rabbit.
She has her flaws - they all do. They're way too big and noisy,
incredibly clumsy, practically deaf and, well frankly their noses
aren't good for much. Sometimes they try so hard to be rabbit-like,
though, we can almost forget they're really just big, inept humans.
This can be a tragic mistake when you're executing delicate choreography
around their feet. I speak from experience when I say, you can
never underestimate the awkwardness of your human.
Fortunately, I've trained mom to always look before she makes
a move, but that was only after finding my joyful dances rudely
interrupted by an unscheduled trip across the room on the tip
of mom's foot more than once. This is not a pleasant experience
and, needless to say, it totally destroys my playful mood - at
least until mom apologizes profusely, makes sure I don't have
any broken bones, then gives me a nice hug and massage to help
me relax. Which, of course, is exactly what I need right now.
I'm just exhausted from all this research!
A Day in the Life
My readers often ask me, "What's a typical day like for a
famous rabbit reporter?" Well, it's not nearly as glamorous
as most humans imagine. In fact,my creative writing takes up very
little of my time - too little, according to my publisher, but
that's another story.
My main duties are to supervise my human while she does whatever
it is humans do at their computers, make sure we get enough daily
playtime, and generally keep things from running amuck in the
office. It's a lot of responsibility for one small bunny, but
I love my work.
My morning starts very early, with my daily dawn patrol - inspecting
and marking all the office furniture, nibbling any loose papers
or books laying about (just to make sure they're safe and tidy),
and seeing to it that everything is in order and ready for business.
This routine requires several sprints around the office and up
and down the stairs - maybe an occasional foot thumping if things
aren't quite up to snuff, but I try to conduct my patrol very
quietly since mom is not an early riser.
It's absolutely vital that I complete this task in plenty of time
to be sitting calmly at my "treat station" when mom
emerges from her den. Humans are easily upset by slight changes
in our feeding routines. It sounds silly, I know, but if I'm running
a little late or maybe overindulged the night before and decide
to skip breakfast, I 'll get nothing done all day with mom trailing
me around asking how I'm feeling.
My real work begins when mom settles in at her computer with her
morning coffee. I like to start off with a surprise attack. Sprinting
up the stairs, I zip around the desk several times, encouraging
mom to do her stretching exercises by trying to "tag"
me. This procedure has to be repeated periodically whenever mom
needs a little stimulation or I feel she's becoming a little too
absorbed with her computer and electronic mouse, which she likes
to move around on top of the desk. Mostly, the day goes by pleasantly
enough, with my scheduled play and grooming breaks , a leisurely
lunch, and my afternoon siesta. From time to time a very annoying
machine makes an unpleasant ringing noise which seems to disturb
mom so much she picks it up and talks to it for no reason. I don't
know what causes this bizarre behavior, but I always do my best
to distract her and bring her back to her senses. I bat her feet
and tugon her skirt playfully, and eventually she returns to normal.
So that's about it. My column is usually composed in the evening,
after mom puts her computer to sleep and starts watching another
electronic box she calls the TV. It's much noisier and doesn't
have a mouse companion, but it does have "rabbit ears"!!
But that's another story.
True Love
Last Saturday I shredded mom's favorite rug. It was just something
to do on a rainy afternoon. An active bunny can be a little impulsive
at times. All right, we can be real pests when we've in the mood.
Hey, we're not perfect. It's just part of our charm.
Now, a less experienced rabbit might be concerned about the consequences
of this kind of unsolicited interior re-design. But I wasn't worried,
because I know all about something we rabbits call "unconditional
love." It's one of the really cool things about humans. Here's
how it works.
I settled down next to my "creation" and waited patiently
for mom to appear. I don't believe in pussy-footing around these
issues. My wait wasn't long. Mom soon came over to greet me, spotted
my handiwork, and exclaimed, "Oh, Esther, look what you did!
What a bad bunny!" A tense situation, you might say. But
here's where the "unconditional love" thing enters the
picture.
Mom leaned over and reached out toward me . . . then gave me a
friendly face massage, a quick kiss on the nose, and a final "dire"
warning - "Just stick to your own rug when you need to dig."
We all need a little love and support in our lives with no strings
attached - like when we know we've been bad or we've feeling a
little low and just need our ears rubbed or our fur groomed to
calm our nerves. Humans are good at that kind of thing with their
animal friends, if not always with their own kind.
People know about "unconditional love," too. They often
talk about it as one of the benefits of sharing their lives with
us. And, of course, they're right. For all their many faults and
shortcomings, we love our humans very much. But a lot of them
haven't discovered the best part of this relationship yet - the
opportunity we give them to love us back. As a wise old bunny
once said, it's better to give than to receive. And that's the
great secret of this special kind of love - the more you give,
the more you get back, and then the more you have to give again.
It's like one of those win-win situations you hear about - nobody
loses and everybody's happy.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not advising anyone to go wreaking
havoc in your family's house on a daily basis. That would be a
very bad thing, and probably pushing your human's capacity for
totally unconditional love a little too far. But an occasional
lapse in good deportment gives your humans a chance to love you
all the more. And admit it, it's really fun to shred the rug.
Esther Bunny, Hip Hop Reporter
Opening the Mailbag
My recent bout with spring fever provoked such a flood of letters
from my many fans, I feel compelled to take this opportunity to
respond to my readers' comments and concerns.
Many of you were sympathetic and worried that I might be taxing
myself too much with my writing duties. It's true most rabbits
don't trouble themselves with literary efforts, but I assure you,
I'm more than up to it. We bunnies, of course, have a reputation
for being somewhat flighty, hopping quickly from topic to topic,
and rarely resting on any one thing long enough to develop profound
thoughts on the subject. I can't deny this aspect of our nature.
In fact, its an excellent quality for a small prey species to
cultivate if they have any intention of escaping extinction.
Most humans fail to note, however, that we also spend a great
deal of our time hiding, munching, and resting. This is not mere
idle time for us - we use it to ponder the nature of being and
our place in the world. Any rabbit could record their thoughts
for posterity or speak out on the important issues of the day
if were interested in developing those skills. Most of my kind
simply choose to keep their thoughts to themselves.
One reader was more concerned about the nature of my "indisposition":
Deer Hip Hop:
I read with alarm in last month's Paw Prints Post that you were
suffering from a severe case of spring fever. Humans don't realize
how deadly this condition can be for a wild animal!
My cousin, Rambo, was so distracted with the fever last spring,
he didn't even notice some strangely dressed humans, with bright
orange jackets, creeping up on him in the woods. Before we could
shout "they have guns!!" he was gone.
I hope you stay close to your bolt hole when you're overcome with
the fever.
Bambi
Bucks Country, PA
Fortunately, my environment is much safer than the typical creature
in the wild. I was able to "sweat out" my fever without
fear of being overtaken by local predators.
Here's a lovely letter from a young human reader in Columbus,
Ohio, that I was greatly moved by:
Dear Hip Hop:
You're my very favorite animal writer. I read all you columns
and hope someday soon you'll write a book about your life experience.
I'm sure it will be a best-seller.
I'm writing to you because I know you're over 7 years old, and
I think that's very old for a rabbit. My rabbit, Rosebud, died
last year and she was only 5. She was a beautiful lopeared bunny,
with long silky fur, and the whole family loved her a lot. She
liked my to hold her on my lap and pet her for hours.
You write a lot about keeping fit, so I'm sure you're very healthy.
Do you have any tips for my new bunny, Willard? He's about a year
old, and he loves to eat.
Jenny
Well, Jenny, all rabbits are different. I happen to be a breed
(Netherlands dwarf) that loves to keep active. Other rabbit breeds,
like the lop-ears, are quieter and like to sit on people's laps.
And, we pretty much all enjoy a good meal. The "lap sitting"
types probably won't be as active, but that's just their nature.
We all need to have plenty of space, a good diet, an interesting
environment to explore, and of course lots of affection to keep
healthy and happy.
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
Spring Fever
Spring is a very special season for us rabbits. So many intoxicating
new smells and sounds! We're itching to shed those bulky winter
furs for a nice lightweight spring coat. And we just can't seem
to keep from leaping and frolicking like the mad little March
hares we all are at heart.
One of the best parts of the season for me is the special rabbit
holiday our human friends have invented to celebrate our unique
qualities. My mom always buys a variety of bunny statues, carved
our of something known as "chocolate" - the most precious
substance known to mankind. The ritual eating of the precious
bunny statues is apparently how many of our human fans symbolically
incorporate our rabbitly virtues while demonstrating their special
love and respect for our species. It's a lovely tradition that
I wholeheartedly support.
Since my birthday always falls around the same time of years,
my mom always honors me with special treats and gifts - extra
carrots for breakfast or a deliciously crunchy bunny snack. I've
trained her to supply me with my favorite treats by hopping enthusiastically
around her feet whenever she picks up the correct box. She soon
learns to associate my activitiy with the desired treat. Tossing
your food dish to demonstrate your disapproval of an inappropriate
menu selection is always effective, and it's very satisfying to
watch the food scatter across the room in interesting patterns.
You may have your own favorite training methods, but you've no
doubt already discovered that humans are reasonably easy to train
and generally eager to please their bunny companions.
But getting back to the subject of tossing things, try to encourge
your humans to buy you some new toys for the spring, or to celebrate
your birthday. Toss toys are lots of fun - they can be as simple
as wooden blocks, which also make excellent gnaw toys. My mom
often buys me interesting boxes and cartons to play with. Once
she takes out the stuffings - usually some kind of silly office
equipment for her "work" - there are all sorts of possibilities
for an imaginative bunny to create hours of fun climbing, hiding,
gnawing, rabbit punching, and pushing around.
Remember, spring is the rabbit's special season. Don't be afraid
to leap into it with all four paws.
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
Bunnies on the Food Chain
People often ask me "What's it like living at the bottom
of the food chain?" Well, it certainly keeps you hopping
(ha, ha - a little bunny humor). A good sense of humor is essential.
But seriously, my wild relatives have to do a lot of hopping,
sprinting, and hare-pin turns to stay alive. Fleet feet and quick
wits are the keys to success.
We also have several survival strategies that have gotten my forebunnies
through some pretty rough patches. Not much escapes our finely
tuned nervous system, keen sense of smell and sensitive ears.
We're ready to take flight at a moment's notice, and we're quite
ingenious when it comes to blending into the scenery.
Our sleek design features a number of special adaptations I'd
like to point out. We've cleverly positioned our large, soulful
eyes on the top or our head, not just because it makes us irresistibly
cute, but more important, so we can see everything around us while
staying close to the ground. Our powerful back legs serve triple
duty - springing into action at the first hint of danger to send
us flying to safety, thumping helpful warnings to our fellow bunnies,
and, if we're caught, ripping enemies to shreds in our own rabbit
version of kick boxing!! (Sorry about that savage outburst.)
Our final secret weapon is to produce mass quantities of bunny
babies. It's a tough world out there for my wild cousins. With
all their clever tricks, most of them don't live to celebrate
their second birthday.
Fortunately, house bunnies like myself don't have nearly so many
predators to contend with. But being a naturally cautious species,
I like to keep myself fit and alert, just in case a coyote shows
up at the door some day, for example. Better to be safe than sorry,
I always say. I keep a watchful ear out for potential dangers,
ever ready to thump my warning and take flight if necessary. I
carefully explore and inspect my territory every day, checking
out unexpected new objects like a suspicious carton in the middle
of the floor or a new piece of furniture. Once I've established
that they're reasonably harmless, I mark them with my special
chin scent gland. Naturally, I always make sure I have a clear
path to the nearest safe haven. And of course, I keep fit by running
every day, practicing my quick darts, zigzags, leaps and fancy
footwork.
Whether you're wild or domesticated, I believe being a rabbit
is in the blood. It's important to our self-esteem to keep our
rabbitly skills sharp and bunny brains alert. Yes, being a rabbit
certainly keeps up hopping.
Esther, Hip Hop Reporter
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