A DESIGNING WOMEN "Brush With Death" by Bev Conover ACT ONE (A) FADE IN: INT. JULIA'S LIVING ROOM - DAY SUZANNE IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, HOLDING AN OPENED MAGAZINE RIGHT UP TO HER NOSE. JULIA ENTERS, DESCENDING THE STAIRS. JULIA It seems to me vanity is no longer the issue here, Suzanne. Let's face it - you need glasses. SUZANNE Oh, Julia. I don't need glasses... This is one of those ads that you lift the little flap and smell the fragrance they have trapped inside. JULIA Then that explains the scented newsprint on your nose. SUZANNE TAKES ANOTHER WHIFF OF THE MAGAZINE. SUZANNE I think I like the fragrance they have in Cosmopolitan better. This one smells more like insect spray. JULIA Perhaps you mistakenly picked up a copy of Sharecropper's Digest.... You're the only person I know who chooses her reading material by sense of smell. SUZANNE Sometimes they smell better when they're actually on your skin. SUZANNE RUBS THE MAGAZINE AROUND HER NECK AS MARY JO ENTERS. MARY JO Is this some new form of reading through osmosis? SUZANNE No, Mary Jo. I'm trying out a new perfume. JULIA At least now I know what to get her for her next birthday... A "scratch and sniff" necklace would be nice. SUZANNE Do they really have such a thing? I sure wouldn't mind trying out something like that! JULIA Based solely on the looks of your mattress, Suzanne, I don't think you need to do anything else to attract men. SUZANNE What's wrong with my mattress? JULIA It has skid marks. CHARLENE BURSTS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, LOOKING VERY DISHEVELED. SHE IS WEARING A BRIGHT ORANGE COAT AND CLUTCHES HER CHEST. CHARLENE You're never going to believe what just happened to me... I was almost killed, but I saved the baby. SUZANNE Baby? You mean you're pregnant? Whose is it? I bet I know. CHARLENE No, Suzanne, I am not pregnant. How can you ask such a question at a time like this? MARY JO Charlene, what happened? Are you all right? CHARLENE I think so. I've never been so scared in all my life. JULIA Sit down over here and tell us all about it. THEY GUIDE HER TO THE COUCH. CHARLENE Well it all happened because I got up late and I was out of instant coffee. So I decided to stop by that little donut shop that's right by my house. I had already decided I wasn't going to get any donuts - just coffee. But you know how those little donut holes just call out to you and they look so innocent? I just couldn't resist them.... JULIA (INTERRUPTING) Will you get on with it? Certainly you didn't end up looking like this from putting away a few donut holes. CHARLENE All right, all right. So I'm taking my coffee and my bag of donut holes and walking to my car when I notice this woman across the parking lot unloading her shopping cart. She has her baby inside of one of those infant seats and she lifts the seat out of the cart and puts it on top of the car. Then she starts taking out her bags of groceries and is putting them in the car....Well I didn't think too much about it until she gets in the driver's seat and starts the engine. MARY JO You mean the baby's still on top of the car? CHARLENE That's right. So naturally, I yell and start running towards her, but she's all the way across the parking lot. She backs out and heads for the driveway and I'm yelling and screaming behind her. I get up to her car just as she hits one of those speed bumps and the kid flies off the top and into the air. Well, luckily I was able to catch him, but I tripped on the speed bump and went crashing to the ground, baby and all. MARY JO Oh my gosh! CHARLENE Well, that wasn't the worst of it... I'm on the ground and by this time I'm screaming and the kid's screaming and I look up to see if she's stopped the car...and all of a sudden her back-up lights come on....I knew right then and there I was about to become an orange spot on the parking lot of life. SUZANNE Did your whole life flash before you like they say it does? CHARLENE No, Suzanne, there wasn't enough time for that. SUZANNE Then it couldn't have been that close a call, because they say that's how you know if you're going to die or not. JULIA If you don't shut up, Suzanne, your life is going to start flashing before you very soon. MARY JO So how did you keep from getting run over? CHARLENE I just held on to that little baby in one arm and my bag of donut holes in the other and rolled right out of the way. Just in time, I might add. SHE PRODUCES A CRUMPLED BAG WITH TREAD MARKS ON IT FROM HER POCKET. JULIA Looks like Suzanne's mattress. MARY JO Oh, Charlene, you could have been killed. Are you all right? CHARLENE I think so, just a little scraped up, that's all. MARY JO What about the baby? CHARLENE Oh, he was o.k. He started smiling and giggling as soon as he saw his mama. I swear, that woman must be time-sharing her brain. JULIA Well I'm glad you're all right, but it wouldn't hurt to go have yourself checked out. MARY JO Sure, you could go to one of those "Doc-In-The-Box" places. CHARLENE No, I'll be fine. Maybe just a little stiff is all. MARY JO Well, I think what you did was very heroic and I'm proud to be associated with a brave person such as yourself. CHARLENE Gosh, Mary Jo, you're going to make me blush. I just did what anyone else would do under the circumstances. SUZANNE Well I'm not so sure about that. Was this a cute kid or the ugly kind? CHARLENE Oh, Suzanne, you don't mean that. JULIA Don't be so sure. I learned a long time ago never to underestimate her level of superficiality. CHARLENE You know, I just feel lucky to be alive. I really thought I was history. I just knew I was about to meet my Maker. JULIA That's a touch dramatic, Charlene. But still, it does tend to make one pause and reflect. CHARLENE All I know is that while you're pausing and reflecting, our very lives are just ticking away. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at life the same way again. SUZANNE I know just what you mean. I felt the same way after my first sexual encounter. MARY JO I don't think this is quite the same thing. CHARLENE I'm serious. I think somebody up there is trying to tell me something. First I had that lump in my breast I thought was cancer, and now I was almost snuffed out by the loser in the "Mother of the Year" contest. Starting today I'm going to appreciate each new day as it comes...Stop and smell the flowers...Live life to the fullest. MARY JO Leap tall buildings in a single bound! SUZANNE You know, I just thought of something. I heard somewhere that if you save someone's life, that makes you responsible for them from then on. MARY JO I think that's only if they're oriental. CHARLENE Well these people weren't oriental, but she was driving a Japanese car. MARY JO Then I don't think it counts. JULIA I'm just glad everything worked out all right. Now Charlene, I think you should go home, get cleaned up and take the rest of the day off. CHARLENE Oh Julia, I couldn't take the whole day off. No, there I go again with my driven dedication. You know, I think I will take the rest of the day off and just really enjoy it. JULIA Well good for you. It'll do you some good and you can come back tomorrow as your old driven self. CHARLENE CROSSES TO HER DESK AND PICKS UP HER PURSE, GETTING READY TO LEAVE. CHARLENE No I won't, Julia. This is like being on "Wheel of Fortune" and getting an extra spin. I've been given another chance and it's made me a changed woman - you'll see. SHE OPENS THE DOOR TO LEAVE, THEN TURNS BACK. CHARLENE (CONTINUING) You know, it's true what they say about today being the first day of the rest of your... JULIA Go Charlene!!!! And enjoy what remains of the first day of the rest of your life! CHARLENE EXITS AS WE, CUT TO: B (B) FADE IN: INT. JULIA'S LIVING ROOM - DAY SUZANNE AND JULIA ARE HAVING COFFEE AS MARY JO ENTERS. MARY JO You'll never guess what just happened to me! JULIA You saved a small infant from falling off the roof of a speeding Japanese car. MARY JO No. My mother called this morning and wants me to go with her on a cruise to the Bahamas for my vacation. And she's going to pay for it! SUZANNE That's great, Mary Jo, are you going to go? MARY JO I'd love to but I don't know what I'd do with the kids. She said they would probably be bored on the cruise and I hate to leave them with Ted for a week. Last time they stayed with him, he did not prove to be very responsible. He forgot to put away his vast, and I do mean vast, collection of X-rated movies. That was when Quince found out the the "Flying Basket Trick" was not about a magic act. SUZANNE Oh, I know that one! JULIA I wouldn't be at all surprised if you had invented it. MARY JO At first I didn't think it effected Quince, but last Easter he threw away the candy and kept the basket. MARY JO LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AND LOOKS AT HER WATCH. MARY JO (CONTINUING) Say, where's Charlene? She's usually here by now. JULIA She probably had to stop and smell the flowers along the way. MARY JO You must admit, Julia, that was a pretty scary experience she had yesterday. SUZANNE How do you think Julia feels when she gets up and looks in the mirror every morning? CHARLENE ENTERS, WEARING A BUTTONED-UP COAT AND CARRYING A CARDBOARD BOX. CHARLENE Good morning, everybody! SUZANNE Well if it isn't Mary Poppins. CHARLENE Isn't this just an absolutely beautiful day? JULIA I would have thought that a little time off would have somewhat muted your euphoric state after cheating death the way you did... CHARLENE TAKES OFF HER COAT TO REVEAL A SWEATER WITH A BIG "HAPPY FACE" PRINTED ON IT. JULIA (CONTINUING) but I see that it hasn't. CHARLENE TAKES SEVERAL PLAQUES FROM THE CARDBOARD BOX AND STARTS HANGING THEM ON THE WALLS AND PLACING THEM AROUND THE ROOM. CHARLENE Oh, Julia, that time off did me a world of good. I got so much accomplished I just can't believe it. MARY JO GOES UP TO ONE OF THE PLAQUES AND READS IT ALOUD. MARY JO "Live for today for tomorrow may never come" Now there's a cheery thought. CHARLENE I kind of like this one. It has a picture of a little dog on it, just like the one I had when I was a kid. (READING) "Happiness is a warm puppy." JULIA Charlene, I hate to say anything against you or Toto there, but I must remind you that this is a house of interior design and not a hospital thrift shop. CHARLENE DROPS THE PLAQUE SHE IS HOLDING AND WHEN SHE BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP, HER BACK CATCHES AND SHE CAN'T STRAIGHTEN UP. MARY JO Charlene, what's wrong? CHARLENE (SLOWLY RISING) Oh, it's my back. I think I must have pulled something yesterday when I fell. MARY JO Did you go to the doctor like we told you to? CHARLENE No, it's really a lot better now. This morning I was so stiff I could hardly bend down to get the cat food dish. SUZANNE You should have just had cereal. MARY JO I think what you need is a nice hot bath. That will ease the sore muscles. CHARLENE I took a long hot bath last night and you want to know what else I did? JULIA I'm not so sure that we do. CHARLENE I was lying there in that bathtub, surrounded by my little yellow duck and Jacque Cousteau, the frogman, and I thought to myself how lucky I was to be there at all. It was at that very moment that I decided to throw caution to the winds and break open the jar of bath oil marbles....I had always kept them for company you know. MARY JO Do people often come to your house to take baths? CHARLENE You know what I mean. Not only that, I have a handcarved candle that was given to me on my 15th birthday - and last night I lit it for the first time. JULIA It must have been a religious experience. SUZANNE I had a religious experience once in the parking lot of the Kentucky Derby. JULIA Never mind, Suzanne, I hate it when you tell those jockey stories. CHARLENE I've decided life is just too short to put off doing things until some special occasion, because what if that special occasion never comes? What if that missed opportunity never repeats itself? MARY JO You mean like my trip to the Bahamas? CHARLENE Yes, exactly like that...What trip to the Bahamas? MARY JO Oh, I guess you weren't here yet when I was telling Julia and Suzanne. My mother wants me to go for a vacation in the Bahamas with her, and she's going to pay for it! CHARLENE Well, Mary Jo, you'd be a fool not to go! MARY JO But I can't stand the thought of leaving the kids with Ted for a week. CHARLENE Ted or no Ted, you're going. This is exactly what I've been talking about. This is a great opportunity and you have to jump at it. MARY JO Then how would you like to "jump" at the opportunity of taking care of the kids! CHARLENE I never said you're supposed to jump at every opportunity... Selective jumping is important, or you'll just find yourself jumping all over the place. MARY JO Does that mean you won't take care of the kids? CHARLENE Don't they have kennels or something for that? JULIA There she goes with her maternal instincts again. THE PHONE RINGS AND CHARLENE ANSWERS IT. CHARLENE (INTO PHONE) Good morning, Sugarbakers. (PAUSE) I'm sure there's someone here who can help you. I'm so glad you've decided to do your decor- ating now because you never know how long you're going to be around to enjoy it. JULIA Charlene!!!! CHARLENE LOOKS AT THE PHONE. CHARLENE They hung up! JULIA I think you've crossed over that fine line between mental health and deep psychosis. CHARLENE I was just trying to get them to appreciate life a little more. JULIA Charlene, life is not just one big frapping party. Life is mortgages and taxes and heart- aches and disease. CHARLENE Gee, Julia. Talk about bursting someone's bubble. SUZANNE Yes, but life is also alimony checks and flavored lip gloss. MARY JO Even as we speak there must be poor people out there who are thanking their lucky stars they still have their flavored lip gloss to fall back on. JULIA I really think you should go to the doctor and have your back looked at. Besides, I don't think our business can take much more of your well-intentioned, if not slightly warped, sales tactics. CHARLENE Oh, all right, but I want all of you to come over to my house tonight for a special dinner. I promise you, it'll be an evening you'll never forget. JULIA I think that's what the mayor of Atlanta said the night they heard Sherman was coming. CHARLENE J-U-L-I-A. This is important to me. JULIA Oh, all right Charlene. If it's that important to you, we'll be there. CHARLENE GOES TO THE DOOR TO EXIT AND STARTS TO SAY SOMETHING BUT JULIA CUTS HER OFF. JULIA (CONTINUING) If you're about to tell us to have a nice day, I'll be forced to slap your face. CHARLENE LAUGHS AND EXITS AS WE, FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE C ACT TWO (C) INT. CHARLENE'S DINING ROOM - NIGHT THE ROOM IS DECORATED WITH BRIGHT BALLOONS AND STREAMERS. JULIA, SUZANNE, CHARLENE AND MARY JO ARE SEATED AT THE TABLE, JUST FINISHING DINNER. CHARLENE'S CAT, MERCEDES, JUMPS UP ON THE TABLE NEXT TO MARY JO. CHARLENE Mercedes, get down from there. You know you aren't allowed on the table when we have company. MARY JO TAKES MERCEDES INTO HER LAP AND PETS HER. SUZANNE Where did you ever come up with a name like Mercedes for a cat? CHARLENE Well I always wanted a Mercedes and I figured this was the only way I was ever going to have one. MARY JO Is it all right if I give her a little piece of chicken? JULIA No, I think Suzanne's had enough. MARY JO Julia, I mean Mercedes. CHARLENE Sure, go ahead. Chicken is probably her most favorite food. SUZANNE Don't you think it's time to tell us why you have the place all decorated? I'm just dying to know. CHARLENE Well, I guess it's time. But first you all have to put on these nametags. SHE PASSES OUT A NAMETAG TO EACH OF THEM. JULIA I hesitate to speak for the rest of you, but for the most part I think I recognize everyone here. CHARLENE You have to go along with the program, Julia. They always have nametags at wedding showers. JULIA That's true, and they also wear nametags at Kiwanis conventions, but I don't see what that has to do with us. CHARLENE Well, I wanted this to be a surprise, so you wouldn't feel obligated to bring presents or anything, but this is my wedding shower! MARY JO Does this mean you're going to get married? Oh, Charlene, I'm so happy for you. I don't believe you've kept this a secret. (PAUSE) But there's just one thing.... who's the lucky guy? CHARLENE There is no lucky guy. SUZANNE Then who's the lucky girl? JULIA I don't think I'm quite up to this. CHARLENE Julia....I'm not getting married. I'm just having my wedding shower. JULIA I know I may be a bit old fashioned, but in my day a wedding shower usually preceded a wedding. I did have a girlfriend in college who had a shower and then got cold feet and called off the wedding, but at least she had someone in mind at the time of the shower. SUZANNE I think she should have gone through with it, just so she could keep all the gifts. JULIA I'm sure you do, and have, Suzanne. MARY JO I still seem to be a little confused here, Charlene. CHARLENE Well, you see, after my brush with death yesterday, I started thinking about what would happen if I weren't around anymore. I thought about all the places˙I've wanted to see but haven't....About all the things I've wanted to do but never got around to doing...And then my wedding presents just popped into my mind. When I was eighteen and about to leave home, my mama gave me all the wedding presents she had saved for me over the years. I guess she thought I was going to run off to some far off place and she might not be able to make it to my wedding. Anyway, I've been carting these boxes around with me ever since, and I just decided it was time to open them. SUZANNE You mean you've had presents since you were eighteen and you've never even peaked at them? JULIA For some people, Suzanne, it's the thought that counts. SUZANNE Well, that's just silly. MARY JO But Charlene, if you open these presents now, won't it kind of spoil it when you do get married? CHARLENE What if I never get married? SUZANNE Oh, what a horrible thought! CHARLENE Believe it or not Suzanne, some people do lead very happy, pro- ductive lives and never get married. Anyway, what if I got hit by a bus tomorrow and never knew what's in these boxes I've been carting around all these years. MARY JO Sounds reasonable to me. Bring on the boxes! CHARLENE EXITS TO GO GET THE BOXES. SUZANNE You know this is going to be kind of fun. I just love wedding showers. MARY JO Yeah, especially if they're yours. JULIA I refuse to play any of those stupid clothespin games. CHARLENE ENTERS, CARRYING SEVERAL TATTERED LOOKING BOXES WRAPPED IN SILVER WEDDING PAPER AND BIG WHITE BOWS. CHARLENE Well, here they are! They have a little more mileage on them than when she first gave them to me. MARY JO TAKES A BOX AND SHAKES IT. MARY JO This is exciting! Here, this one's heavy. CHARLENE CAREFULLY STARTS TO UNDO THE RIBBON AND PAPER. MARY JO (CONTINUING) You probably don't have to worry about saving the paper. CHARLENE Yeah, I guess you're right. CHARLENE RIPS INTO THE BOX AND PULLS OUT AN OLD-FASHIONED TOASTER. CHARLENE (CONTINUING) Wow! A toaster! SUZANNE Is that one of those antique kind? CHARLENE It wasn't when I was eighteen. SUZANNE What about that long, flat box? That must be clothes - I just love clothes. CHARLENE TAKES THE LONG, FLAT BOX, OPENS IT AND PULLS OUT A DETERIORATED LACE NEGLIGEE WITH A LARGE HOLE AT CHEST LEVEL. CHARLENE Oh look, I remember this. My grandmother said it was going to be mine someday to wear on my honeymoon. SUZANNE I hope you honeymoon in a dark place. JULIA What's in that small one over there? CHARLENE OPENS THE SMALL BOX AND PULLS OUT A MINI-SKIRT. SUZANNE Is that some kind of a headband? CHARLENE No, silly. It's a mini-skirt. JULIA You must have put on a little mileage too, since they gave you this stuff. CHARLENE It hasn't been that long since I was eighteen. JULIA Then why does this seem more like the opening of a time capsule? CHARLENE Wait, this looks interesting. SHE TAKES A RATHER LARGE BOX AND OPENS IT. INSIDE IS A SMALLER BOX WHICH SHE TAKES OUT. WHEN SHE SHAKES IT, IT RATTLES. CHARLENE (CONTINUING) What do you suppose this is? CHARLENE HAS TROUBLE GETTING THE TOP OFF THE BOX AND WHEN IT COMES OFF, SEVERAL TINY PILL-SIZED OBJECTS FLY OUT. MARY JO What in the world? MARY JO BENDS DOWN TO PICK THEM UP. MARY JO (CONTINUING) I do believe these are someone's teeth. CHARLENE That's right. They're little baby teeth and they're mine. SUZANNE How disgusting! JULIA Your mother must be quite a saver. CHARLENE LOOKS INSIDE THE BIGGER BOX AND TAKES OUT A LOCK OF HAIR. CHARLENE Will you look at this? This is a lock of hair from when I was just a baby. MARY JO This must be the parts box. SUZANNE How come that hair is so much darker than your hair? CHARLENE This must be from the wig I wore as a child. SUZANNE TAKES A JAR FROM THE LARGER BOX AND READS THE LABEL. SUZANNE "Homemade pickled pigs feet." JULIA I'll bet those will be real tasty after all these years. SUZANNE You know, these aren't like any of the wedding presents I've ever gotten. Maybe she gave you the wrong boxes. MARY JO Suzanne. Not everybody gets china and silver and crystal when they get married. SUZANNE I know that Mary Jo. I wouldn't mind a nice negligee, but I'm afraid I'd have to put my foot down on the teeth. CHARLENE To tell you the truth, Suzanne, these things mean more to me than china or crystal ever could. SUZANNE Good, because there's one box left and if it's china or crystal then I get first dibs. JULIA S-U-Z-A-N-N-E. SUZANNE Well, Julia you know I don't handle it well if someone else gets presents and I don't. JULIA I think under the circumstances you'll just have to control yourself. SUZANNE Well all right but hurry up and open it so I can see what I lost out on. CHARLENE OPENS THE LAST BOX AND TAKES OUT A LARGE, FRAMED PHOTOGRAPH. SHE CLUTCHES IT TO HER CHEST AND STARTS TO CRY. MARY JO What is it Charlene? CHARLENE It's a picture of my mother and father, taken on their wedding day. SUZANNE Well, that's o.k. You can have it then. CHARLENE Gee thanks, Suzanne. JULIA This certainly has been a most unusual wedding shower. I just feel badly that we didn't bring any gifts. CHARLENE That's the whole point, Julia. I wanted to open these gifts, but I just didn't want to open them alone. So that's why I invited my best friends. MARY JO I feel very honored and I think your gifts are just lovely. SUZANNE Well I don't know, if I were you Charlene I'd... JULIA You-would-what, Suzanne. SUZANNE I'd...I'd probably go in the kitchen and break in my nifty new toaster. CHARLENE That's a great idea, but before we do that, I have one more surprise. CUT TO: D (D) INT. CHARLENE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT CHARLENE IS PUTTING A TAPE IN THE VCR AND THE OTHERS ARE SEATED ON THE COUCH. MARY JO I really don't think I have time to watch a movie, Charlene. My babysitter has school tomorrow. CHARLENE Don't worry, this won't take long. SUZANNE Are we going to play one of those video games? I just love them, especially the one where the little spacemen fly in from other galaxies and you're supposed to shoot them down. JULIA Why do we need Star Wars when we have Suzanne? CHARLENE I'm afraid this isn't anything quite as exciting as that. You see, I went to a lawyer this morning because I realized that if something had happened to me yesterday, I didn't have a will or anything. This was one of those state-of-the-art lawyers and she told me that a lot of people are videotaping their wills, so there won't be any question of its legality. I told her I was real camera shy but she said to just think of the camera as the people I was talking to. So that's what I did and I'd like you all to see it. JULIA Charlene, if I'm not mistaken, a will is usually read after the person has egressed. SUZANNE Besides, you already gave us stuff once, when you thought you had cancer, then snatched it right back as soon as you found out you were o.k. CHARLENE Well, I'm still leaving you those things but there's more I want to leave you and a few things I'd like to say. Plus, if there's any question about who gets what, I want it sorted out now so that when the time comes I can rest in peace, so to speak. SUZANNE What else did you give me, Charlene? I sure hope it isn't that tacky nightgown of your Grandmother's. JULIA Suzanne!!!! SUZANNE Oh I guess I don't have to worry because you just found out that you got it...So what did I get? JULIA Really, Suzanne. You have the sensitivity of a loan shark. CHARLENE Don't worry Suzanne, you got one of my most prized possessions. SUZANNE Well pass the popcorn and get on with it then. CHARLENE CLICKS THE REMOTE CONTROL AND THE TAPE BEGINS. CHARLENE (ON TAPE) Hi. My name is Charlene Frazier and I'm supposed to tell you that I'm of sound mind and acting on my own free will. (LOOKS OFF CAMERA) How am I doing so far? LAWYER (V.0.) Shhh!! Just keep going and forget I'm here. CHARLENE (ON TAPE) Oh, o.k. Well, anyway, I know you're thinking I'm fairly young and I'll probably be around for a long time - at least I hope I will - but some things have happened to me recently that have made me think seriously about getting more out of life and about taking care of loose ends. So I'm doing my last Will and Testament, although I'm not really sure what that Testament part is all about...but here goes. (TAKES A DEEP BREATH) I remember when I was just a little kid I had this aunt who died all of a sudden. Nobody thought she was even sick and then next thing you know.... (SNAPS FINGERS) Pooof! She's gone and everyone is talking about her in the past tense. I guess that was my first encounter with death and I can still recollect how uneasy it made me feel. I remember wondering if she would have done anything differently if she had known she only had a short time left. I'll bet she would have hugged her kids more and maybe not have fussed so much when they spilled a glass of milk. Maybe she would have told my uncle she loved him more often instead of just biting him on the ear when she thought nobody was looking. (PAUSE) I think if I knew I only had a short time to live I wouldn't let little things bother me so much. I'd probably use my best perfume every day and stop saving empty mayonnaise jars. Maybe I'd become a groupie and travel around with Jerry Lee Lewis for awhile. (PAUSE) But the most important thing I'd do is tell my friends and family how much I love them. So here goes... (PAUSE) To Mom, Dad and the kids, I'd like to say how lucky I feel to have you as my family. You always made each one of us kids feel like we were someone special and I love all of you very much. MARY JO STARTS TO CRY AND WE HEAR CHARLENE'S VOICE IN B.G. SUZANNE (TO JULIA) How long is this going to take? I want to find out what we're getting. JULIA Could you possibly find it in your heart to have a little respect? SUZANNE She's not dead Julia. I just want to know what I get, that's all. CHARLENE (ON TAPE) To Julia... SUZANNE Hey this is it! CHARLENE (ON TAPE) I'd like to let you know what an inspiration you've been to me. You are such a strong woman with a wonderful sense of fairness and inner beauty. I know I don't have a lot of things by some people's standards, but in addition to my personally autographed picture of President Kennedy, I would like to leave to Julia Sugarbaker the actual scarf I got from Elvis Presley at his concert, with his actual sweat still on it. JULIA ATTEMPTS TO BE THRILLED. CHARLENE (CONTINUING) To Suzanne...you've helped me so much by making me realize how I must sound sometimes when I talk before I think. I love the way you're always willing to try new things - like the time you learned to cook while making Thanksgiving dinner. I'd like to leave Suzanne Sugarbaker my antique mirror, which I had already promised her and my mustard seed necklace which brings me good luck. SUZANNE The way I see it is that if I get the necklace, then that means she's dead, so how lucky could it have been? MARY JO Shhh!! CHARLENE (ON TAPE) And last but not least, to Mary Jo... My best friend in the whole world. I'd like to thank you for always being there when I needed you and for your undying support, no matter what mess I get myself into. You truly brighten my days. So to Mary Jo Shively, who I am making the executress of my estate, I am leaving the rest of my Elvis collection and my most prized possession, my Mercedes. SUZANNE Sounds like a big deal unless you know that Mercedes is a cat. CHARLENE (ON TAPE) Well, I guess that's about it. Any- thing else that's of any value that I have at the time of my departure, Mary Jo can dispose of as she wishes. (WAVES TO CAMERA) Bye for now! See you upstairs I hope! MARY JO IS STILL BLOTTING HER EYES AS THE TAPE FINISHES. MARY JO Charlene, that was one of the most moving things I've ever experienced. CHARLENE You don't think I'm silly for doing all of this? JULIA Not at all Charlene. It might do us all some good to give some thought to this. CHARLENE Well I'm glad you said that because I didn't know exactly how you'd feel about it. JULIA I must say this has been quite an evening, having gone from your wedding shower to the reading of your will. It's sort of been a "This Is Your Life, Charlene Frazier" night. SUZANNE I thought it was just great and I couldn't be happier with that lucky necklace. CHARLENE Really Suzanne? SUZANNE Yes, but Charlene, the most important thing is that I've realized what they say is really true. CHARLENE What's that? SUZANNE That television really does make you look ten pounds heavier. CHARLENE TOSSES A THROW PILLOW AT HER AND THEY ALL START TO CONVERGE ON SUZANNE AS WE, FREEZE FRAME FADE OUT