GOLDEN GIRLS "Good Time Charlie" by Bev Conover ACT ONE FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN - DAY DOROTHY FIXING DINNER. BLANCHE ENTERS, SORTING THROUGH STACK OF MAIL. BLANCHE I just hate all this junk mail. I can't believe anybody ever reads this stuff....Look at this, (READING) "Fifty dollars off your next purchase of a burial plot. "Next purchase?... Tell me Dorothy, how many burial plots have you purchased to date? (CONTINUES READING) "Ask about our group rates." DOROTHY I'm holding out for time-sharing. BLANCHE "Offer expires before you do." DOROTHY There's always a catch. (BLANCHE THROWS ADVERTISEMENT IN TRASH, LOOKS THROUGH REST OF STACK OF MAIL) BLANCHE Junk....Junk....Bill....Junk. Oh, here's one for you, Dorothy. (READING POSTMARK) From California! I'll bet it's from your ex in-laws. DOROTHY Give me that....I wonder what those leeches want now. OPENS LETTER, READS IT OVER FOR A MOMENT DOROTHY (CONT'D) I knew it. They're coming to Florida for a vacation and thought they might stay with us for a few days. Well, they thought wrong. When I divorced Stan, nobody ever told me I had to file separately for in-laws. BLANCHE My God, if that were the case, it would have cost me a fortune. DOROTHY Blanche, if that were the case, you have enough in-laws to have a class action suit. SOPHIA ENTERS SOPHIA Anything come for me, Blanche? BLANCHE No, Sophia, were you expecting something? SOPHIA Just a discount coupon for a burial plot. BLANCHE HUNTS THROUGH TRASH DOROTHY Ma.... BLANCHE Why here it is, Sophia. I guess it must have gotten thrown out by mistake. SOPHIA Sure, throw out all the good stuff. You should be more careful. DOROTHY Ma, what do you need that coupon for? You're going to be around for a long time yet. SOPHIA I didn't get it for me, Dorothy, I got it for you. SHE HANDS IT TO DOROTHY DOROTHY Do you know something I don't know? SOPHIA I made arrangements for me a long time ago when your father died. But it wouldn't be such a bad idea for you to invest in a little real estate, if you know what I mean. Besides, this place features plots DOROTHY His name is Rose, too. ROSE No, his name is Charlie - just like my late husband. DOROTHY Here? This fellow certainly doesn't let any moss grow under his feet. ROSE No, he looked very clean to me. ROSE Blanche, please don't get too upset, but he was in an awful pickle. BLANCHE Well he can take his pickle and his dog and go right back to wherever he came from. ROSE Oh, it'll just be for a little while, Blanche. Just until he finds a place that allows animals. Please don't make me tell him that he has to go to the pound. BLANCHE The pound doesn't take people, Rose, just animals....Oh, all right, but I hope it won't be for very long. ROSE Oh, I'm sure it won't. I'm going with him tomorrow to look for another place to stay. DOROTHY This sounds like it could get serious, Rose. ROSE No, there's a lot of vacant places this time of year. DOROTHY I meant your relationship. ROSE Relationship? We don't have a relationship.....I hardly know him. BLANCHE In one afternoon you've counseled a grieving man, taken in his dog and now plan to go house hunting. ....And I thought I was fast. DOROTHY You are fast, Blanche, but that's beside the point. BLANCHE Dorothy, I am not. DOROTHY Then why those shock absorbers on your bed? SFX: DOORBELL RINGS ROSE Oh, that must be him. Do I look all right? SOPHIA If you look so much like his wife, he must be used to seeing you this way. ROSE I don't know why I'm so nervous. BLANCHE Would you like me to go answer the door? ROSE No, I'm sure he'd know the difference. I'll go. ROSE EXITS BLANCHE I'll go with her. DOROTHY PULLS HER BACK DOROTHY Give her a minute, Blanche. BLANCHE I'm just dying to see what this guy looks like. DOROTHY He looks like every other grieving, homeless dog owner you've ever met. SOPHIA Who cares what he looks like. I want to see what kind of a dog we're getting stuck with. DOROTHY Ma, you heard Rose. It will only be for a short time and I'm sure the dog will make a nice little house pet. ROSE ENTERS WITH A DOG AS BIG AS A MOOSE SOPHIA Nice little house pet, huh? DOROTHY Rose, what is this? ROSE It's a dog, Dorothy. Isn't she cute? DOROTHY Cute? Cute doesn't even begin to describe it. ROSE Her name is Rose too. SOPHIA There's a lot of that going around. ROSE She was named after Charlie's late wife, Rose. DOROTHY I don't care what her name is, because she's not going to he here long enough for us to get acquainted. BLANCHE What happened to Charlie? ROSE Oh, Charlie had to leave. SOPHIA A fast getaway would be more like it. ROSE He said he hoped this wouldn't be too much of an imposition. DOROTHY Imposition? Why don't you invite him to stay here too? Maybe we could open up a Halfway House for grieving widowers and their pets. ROSE Oh, no Dorothy. I think that would be too much. BLANCHE CROSSES TO DOG BLANCHE You know, she is kind of cute, in a large sort of way. And besides, this poor man is still grieving the loss of his beloved wife. ROSE Oh, that's not why he's in grief counseling. He's in grief counseling because he's having a hard time dealing with all the expenses he incurred when his dog chewed up... CATCHES HERSELF DOROTHY Chewed up what, Rose? Are you telling us that we're giving refuge to an oversized termite? ROSE No, she just ate a few old chairs and couches, but Charlie said she's grown out of that now. DOROTHY For your sake and for grieving Charlie's sake, I hope you're right. ROSE GIVE THE DOG A BIG HUG, AS WE DISSOLVE TO: (B) (B) INT. LIVING ROOM - EARLY EVENING DOROTHY IS READING A MAGAZINE AND LOOKS UP. DOROTHY (CALLING OUT) Rose....Rose, could you come here a minute? ROSE THE DOG, ENTERS FROM HALLWAY. DOROTHY (CONT'D) I didn't say "here Rose", I said.... Oh, never mind. BLANCHE ENTERS FROM KITCHEN. BLANCHE Dorothy, were you calling me? DOROTHY Is your name Rose too? Nine more and we'll have a dozen. BLANCHE Well Dorothy, don't get mad at me. There's so many Rose's around here lately, it gets confusing. DOROTHY (PETTING DOG) I know Blanche. Rose here will probably be having puppies and we can name all of them Rose too.... Then we can have our own little Tournament of Roses....So, have you seen her? BLANCHE Who? DOROTHY Marlene Dietrich, who do you think? BLANCHE Oh, you mean Rose. DOROTHY God, I deserve a place in heaven for this. BLANCHE I think she's getting ready to go out. DOROTHY Again? That's the third time this week with Grieving Charlie. BLANCHE I'm not so sure I approve of this guy, Dorothy. He seems nice enough, but I think he's trying to change her. DOROTHY Change her? How do you mean? ROSE ENTERS FROM HALLWAY, WEARING A COWGIRL OUTFIT AND A BLACK WIG. DOROTHY (CONT'D) I think I see what you mean. ROSE Hi everybody. How do I look? DOROTHY Do you want an honest opinion? SOPHIA ENTERS FROM KITCHEN AND SEES ROSE. SOPHIA Holy cannoli. Circle the wagons. DOROTHY Now there's an honest opinion. ROSE No, really. How do I look? BLANCHE Well, honey, I hate to tell you this, but the Dale Evans look went out a long time ago. DOROTHY What is this, some kind of a masquerade party you and Charlie are going to? ROSE No. We're just going country western dancing. What do you think of my hair? Does it look natural? BLANCHE I'm afraid it has "wig" written all over it. ROSE I didn't see that when I put it on. Charlie picked it out. He said he thought I'd look good in dark hair. DOROTHY If he told you he thought you'd look good in a string bikini, would you wear one? ROSE Not country western dancing. Although that might look kind of cute with my cowboy hat and boots. (THINKS A MOMENT) It might even be kind of sexy with a little lace garter, just above the knee. DOROTHY Down, Rose. ROSE, THE DOG, LIES DOWN DOROTHY (CONT'D) Is Charlie picking you up in a stagecoach, or are you just going to throw a saddle on the dog? SFX: DOORBELL RINGS SOPHIA That must be Roy Rogers. ROSE CROSSES TO FRONT DOOR AND OPENS IT. CHARLIE ENTERS, A FIFTY-ISH MAN WEARING A COWBOY OUTFIT. ROSE Hi Charlie, come on in. DOROTHY/BLANCHE/SOPHIA Hi Charlie. CHARLIE Well hello there gals. And how's my favorite little girl? ROSE STARTS TO HUG CHARLIE AS CHARLIE CROSSES TO HUG THE DOG. CHARLIE (CONT'D) I hope she hasn't been too much trouble for ya'all. ROSE No. No trouble at all. She's been the perfect houseguest. BLANCHE No offense, Rose, but my idea of a perfect houseguest only has two legs. DOROTHY She's been fine. Well, as fine as a very large dog inside a house with four other people, can be. CHARLIE I can't tell ya how much I appreciate your putting her up. SOPHIA Just don't get the idea that we're getting too attached to Lassie, here. A dog that size could eat you out of house and home. (SOFTENS) Sorry, I forgot, she already did. DOROTHY So you two are going country western dancing.... ROSE We sure are. And I can't wait to show Charlie how good I can polka. DOROTHY Rose, we're talking Merle Haggard, not Lawrence Welk. ROSE You mean I can't polka? DOROTHY Let me put it this way. Have you ever seen Michael Jackson try to dance to Swan Lake? ROSE No, was he good? DOROTHY I give up. CHARLIE (TO ROSE) Don't you worry, honey. Before the night's over, you'll be doin' the Texas Two-Step with the best of 'em. ROSE Do you really think so, Charlie? CHARLIE I know so. Shucks, teaching you how to dance is just the beginning of what I have to offer CHARLIE HU0GS HER FROM BEHIND AND KISSES HER ON THE NECK. BLANCHE My, how utterly intriguing. DOROTHY Down, Blanche. ROSE, THE DOG, LIES DOWN. DOROTHY (CONT'D) I said Blanche. ROSE I really think we should be going. You don't mind if we run off, do you? SOPHIA Don't worry about a thing. Dorothy can take the dog out for a walk and I'll stay here and throw cold water on Blanche. ROSE AND CHARLIE CROSS TO THE FRONT DOOR. CHARLIE Don't you fret none. I'm gonna take mighty good care of this here little filly. DOROTHY Her name is Rose, Charlie. Not Trigger. Just take your time heading into the "last round-up", if you catch my drift. SOPHIA I think what she means is... DOROTHY INTERRUPTS. DOROTHY He knows what I mean, Ma. You two just go and have fun. CHARLIE AND ROSE EXIT. CHARLIE (O.S.) Yaa-haa!!! BLANCHE Did you hear that? There must be more to this grief counseling than I thought. DOROTHY I can't help but feel that Buffalo Bill might be a bit too fast on the draw for little Annie Oakley. BLANCHE Why, Dorothy, I think he's just charming. DOROTHY That's because you're in heat, Blanche. SOPHIA Rose is a big girl. If she wants to wrinkle sheets with this guy, it's none of our business. DOROTHY I know that. I'm just not so sure this is the right guy for her. SOPHIA If I were God, I can't imagine what I would come up with that would be the right guy for Rose. As a matter of fact, now that I think about it, I can't imagine coming up with Rose. DOROTHY Ma.... ON DOROTHY'S REACTION, WE: DISSOLVE TO: (C) (C) INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT NIGHT DOROTHY ON COUCH READING "HOW TO TRAIN A DOG" BOOK. ROSE, THE DOG, IS CUDDLED UP NEXT TO HER. DOROTHY (TO DOG) This doesn't look too tough. I wonder if you know any of these tricks. (GETS UP AND CROSSES TO CENTER OF ROOM) O.K. Come here Rose. (ROSE COMES) Good Girl!...Now sit. (ROSE LIES DOWN) It must go with the name... Lie down. (ROSE IS LYING DOWN) Good girl. See how smart you are? Now let's try a hard one.... Roll over. (ROSE DOESN'T MOVE) Maybe you need an incentive. DOROTHY EXITS TO KITCHEN. AFTER A MOMENT, SHE RETURNS WITH A CRACKER. DOROTHY (CONT'D) O.K. ROSE SNATCHES CRACKER OUT OF DOROTHY'S HAND. DOROTHY (CONT'D) You just ate your whole incentive. You'll just have to learn this one cold turkey. Now, lie down. (ROSE LIES DOWN) O.K., roll over. (ROSE DOESN'T MOVE) ROLL OVER! ROSE DOESN'T MOVE. DOROTHY TRIES TO PUSH HER OVER WITHOUT SUCCESS. DOROTHY (CONT'D) Look, it's not that hard. I'll show you. (DOROTHY LIES DOWN ON THE FLOOR) This is "lie down". Got that?... Now this is "roll over". ROSE ENTERS FRONT DOOR AS DOROTHY IS ROLLING OVER. ROSE Oh, hi Dorothy! What on earth are you doing? DOROTHY We were just playing charades and I was trying to get her to guess "Blanche". (A BEAT) Where's Charlie? ROSE He said something about having to go home and practice for the "last round-up", and just dropped me off. DOROTHY Maybe he's not such a bad guy after all. ROSE Oh, he really likes you. He must think you look especially good under the lights. DOROTHY What do you mean? ROSE Because he said he sure was glad he didn't meet you in a dark alley. DOROTHY Did you two have a good time dancing? ROSE I think so. But Charlie said I hopped too much. I told him I couldn't help it...I always hop when I dance. DOROTHY Where did you learn to dance, on a rabbit ranch? ROSE No, it was a pig farm. But in St. Olaf, everybody hops when they dance. DOROTHY I guess that's why I've always heard that if you want to have a good time, St. Olaf is always hopping on a Saturday night. (LOOKS TOWARDS HEAVEN) Forgive me, I just couldn't resist it. FADE OUT: END OF ACT ONE (D) ACT TWO (D) INT. KITCHEN - DAY BLANCHE AND SOPHIA WITH TEA. DOROTHY ENTERS. DOROTHY Morning. BLANCHE/SOPHIA Morning, Dorothy. DOROTHY FIXES A CUP OF TEA. BLANCHE Did you see Rose after she got home last night? DOROTHY Yes, and she still had on that fright wig. BLANCHE How was the dance? DOROTHY I guess from what she said, the place was hopping. DOROTHY PICKS UP A PLATE OF SOMETHING COVERED WITH CHEESECLOTH AND SMELLS IT. DOROTHY (CONT'D) What is this stuff? It smells horrible. SOPHIA I don't know. Rose got up real early this morning to make it. DOROTHY I can't imagine anyone going to a lot of trouble to produce something that smells this bad. BLANCHE Maybe she made it for the dog. DOROTHY I don't think so. She's very fond of that dog. ROSE ENTERS WEARING FULL COMBAT FATIGUES. ROSE Hi everybody. THEY STARE IN DISBELIEF. A BEAT, THEN, BLANCHE Rose, honey, this is not an attractive sight. ROSE I knew these earrings were too much for this outfit. (REMOVES EARRINGS) DOROTHY Have we moved out of the John Wayne phase and into Sylvester Stallone week? ROSE Oh, you mean the outfit....Charlie invited me to go with him to a Survival Weekend. I don't know too much about it, except what I saw on "60 Minutes" once. They showed these men learning to survive surprise attacks, drowning, snakebites and enemy bombing. Sounds like fun, doesn't it? BLANCHE I wouldn't think there would be too many women interested in all that killing and bloodshed. DOROTHY Oh, I don't know, Blanche. You should have seen some of the women in my Divorce Recovery Group. There was a lot of talk of killing and bloodshed. BLANCHE Why on earth would anyone ever want this kind of survival training? SOPHIA Maybe they're planning a trip to Beirut. BLANCHE It just doesn't sound like something you would do, Rose. ROSE Oh, I don't know. Back in St. Olaf I used to go to this Girls' Camp every summer when I was younger. And every summer the boys from a nearby camp would plan an assault on our tents, trying to steal our vermodenboden, which was something a young girl didn't give up without a struggle. It's a disgrace for a girl to lose her vurmodenboden before she goes to college. So we would plan counter-assaults and nine times out of ten we would be able to fight them off. DOROTHY That's terrible. You mean one out of every ten times some young girl lost her virginity? ROSE I didn't say anything about virginity, Dorothy. I said vurmodenboden. That's Swedish for thermal underwear. BLANCHE Sort of like a Viking Pantyraid... ROSE That's right. ROSE PICKS UP THE PLATE COVERED WITH CHEESECLOTH. ROSE (CONT'D) Ummmm. This is going to be heavenly. Charlie asked me to bring along some munchies. DOROTHY Munchies? For a moment I thought you had dug up some old vermodenboden. ROSE No, this is Lutfisk. DOROTHY You mean to tell me somebody actually bothered to give that stuff a name? ROSE Oh, Lutfisk is wonderful. It's fish cooked in salt brine and then dried in cheesecloth, to take all the moisture out. DOROTHY Sort of like fish jerky. ROSE (PICKING UP SOME LUTFISK) I'm afraid this isn't dry enough. I'll have to put it in the microwave. Of course that wasn't part of the original recipe because in the 1500's they didn't have microwaves in any of the Scandinavian countries. (PUTS LUTF1ISK IN MICROWAVE) SOPHIA No, in 1500 they only had them in Central Europe. DOROTHY You know Rose, I really haven't minded looking out after Charlie's dog while you've been going out, but if you're going to be gone an entire weekend, I think you could have at least asked if we'd take care of her. ROSE Oh, Dorothy, I wouldn't dream of asking you to watch her for a whole weekend. We're going to take her with us. She's really looking forward to it. DOROTHY Oh? Did she tell you that? ROSE No, I can just tell. See for yourself. (CALLS OUT) Here Rose! ROSE, THE DOG, ENTERS, WEARING A CAMOUFLAGE BACKPACK. ROSE (CONT'D) Now, doesn't she look like a happy dog? BLANCHE She certainly is dressed for the occasion. I'll bet she's even wearing dog tags. BLANCHE IS PLEASED AT HER OWN LITTLE JOKE. BLANCHE (CONT'D) That's a good one, isn't it? SOPHIA (TO BLANCHE) If you want to know what I think, all this talk of bombing and fighting has made you shell-shocked. BLANCHE Well, to be absolutely truthful, the thought of all those masculine bodies, pulsing with sweat, clawing their way through dense jungle, fighting in hand-to-hand combat for their very lives, does massage my imagination, if you know what I mean. DOROTHY Now, I want you to put Rose into that picture and see what that does for your imagination. BLANCHE I think I see what you mean, Dorothy. DOROTHY (INDICATING DOG) Does Rose get to schlep the Lutfisk? ROSE No, she's carrying her own supplies. ROSE TAKES TWO CANS OF DOG FOOD OUT OF THE BACKPACK. ROSE (CONT'D) See? ROSE TAKES A CLOSER LOOK AT THE CAN. ROSE (CONT'D) Look at this. They're starting to put pictures of missing dogs on the cans. Isn't that wonderful? DOROTHY That's not a missing dog, Rose. They paid that dog a fortune to have its face on that can. SFX: DOORBELL RINGS ROSE That must be Charlie. Dorothy, would you mind getting it? I have to check on the Lutfisk. DOROTHY God knows we don't want to spoil the Lutfisk or keep Rambo waiting. DOROTHY EXITS. BLANCHE Rose, honey, do you really think you ought to go on the Survival Weekend? It could be dangerous. ROSE Oh it sounds like fun. Charlie said there's going to be a lot of singing and dancing. SOPHIA Does that come before or after the killing and maiming? DOROTHY AND CHARLIE ENTER. CHARLIE IS DRESSED IN A SUIT AND TIE. DOROTHY Uh, Rose, dear. I think there's been a little misunderstanding. ROSE Charlie. Why are you dressed like that? CHARLIE Why are you dressed like that? ROSE For the Survival Weekend. CHARLIE Rose, darlin', we're goin' to a Revival weekend, not a Survival weekend. ROSE You mean I went to all this trouble for nothing? And what about Rose? She had her heart set on going out on morning maneuvers. CHARLIE Rose, honey, I'm afraid you just weren't listenin'. I distinctly said Revival. ROSE What am I going to do now? DOROTHY You're going to go in there, take off that ridiculous outfit and change into your Mother Teresa togs. ROSE CROSSES TO DOOR. DOROTHY (CONT'D) And take Rin Tin Tin with you. ROSE AND ROSE, THE DOG, EXIT. SOPHIA So, Charlie. Have you found another place to live yet, or are you going to keep taking advantage of our good nature? DOROTHY Ma, what a terrible thing to say. Have you Charlie? CHARLIE Well to be truthful, Rose and I have been so busy, I haven't had much of a chance to go out and look. SOPHIA What about right now? It'll take her a while to change. DOROTHY (TO CHARLIE) You've really become quite fond of Rose haven't you? CHARLIE Yeah, she's quite a dog. DOROTHY I meant our Rose. CHARLIE Oh, that Rose. Yeah, she's got a ways to go yet, but she's comin' along. DOROTHY What do you mean "comin' along"? CHARLIE Well she looks an awful lot like my late wife, but she's still pretty rough around the edges. BLANCHE Rose is rough around the edges? Why that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. CHARLIE You know what I mean. She has too much....spunk. DOROTHY Spunk. Tell me Charlie, is "spunk" a personality disorder or a physical malfunction? CHARLIE Too much a mind of her own - too liberal, you know. DOROTHY No, I don't know, Charlie. Rose is about as liberal as Phyllis Schafley on a bad day. CHARLIE You're probably one of them "feminists", I can always tell. DOROTHY How can you tell, Charlie? Because I didn't hand you a beer and kiss your feet when I answered the door? ROSE AND ROSE, THE DOG, ENTER. ROSE IS CARRYING A BIBLE AND BOTH ARE WEARING MATCHING LACE DOILIES ON THEIR HEADS. ROSE How do we look? BLANCHE Like the saints who just came marchin' in. CHARLIE You look just great, darlin'. Now I think we'd better be goin' 'fore we wear out our welcome. DOROTHY Consider it worn. ROSE Is there some sort of problem here? DOROTHY No, Professor Higgins and I were just discussing spunk....Now you just go to your revival and have a good time. ROSE Thanks, Dorothy. I'm sure we will. DOROTHY CROSSES TO MICROWAVE. DOROTHY Don't forget your Lutfisk. If that doesn't revive them, I'm afraid nothing will. DISSOLVE TO: (F) (F) INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY DOROTHY AND SOFIA ON COUCH. DOROTHY IS TOYING WITH A DOG LEASH AND COLLAR. DOROTHY You know, Ma, I kind of miss Rose. SOPHIA It sure has been quiet around here without her. DOROTHY She doesn't bark that much. SOPHIA It isn't her barking that bothers me. It's her constant talking. DOROTHY Ma. SOPHIA You really like that dog, don't you Dorothy? DOROTHY She's a sweet dog and she hasn't chewed up one thing the whole time she's been here. SOPHIA Wrong again. SOPHIA PULLS OUT CHEWED-UP BOOK. DOROTHY Why, that's her "How To Train A Dog" book. SOPHIA I guess she figured out that every time you pulled out this book, she was in for another lesson...Reminds me of the little Maltese you used to have that chewed up everything. DOROTHY The one you called the "Maltese Falcon"?....Remember when Rose first saw a photograph of her? She got all excited because she thought I had my picture taken with Yoda from Star Wars....Speaking of Rose, I wonder how she's doing at the Revival Weekend. SOPHIA She must have repented her sin by now. DOROTHY You mean sins. SOPHIA No, Rose has only one sin - opening her mouth. DOROTHY Well, I guess she must be doing all right or we would have heard from her. BLANCHE ENTERS FROM KITCHEN. BLANCHE Rose is on the phone. She sounds awfully upset. She said something about a fight breaking out at a baptism and she wants us to pick her up at the bus station. DOROTHY, SOPHIA, BLANCHE EXIT IN A RUSH TO THE KITCHEN, AS WE, DISSOLVE TO: (G) (G) INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY SOPHIA ON COUCH, BLANCHE ENTERS FRONT DOOR. SOPHIA Home from the Holy Wars? DOROTHY ENTERS. AFTER A BEAT, ROSE ENTERS, WEARING THE SAME OUTFIT SHE LEFT IN, ONLY SHE'S BEEN DRENCHED AND THE LACE DOILY HAS SLID DOWN THE SIDE OF HER HEAD. SOPHIA That must have been some baptism. ROSE The whole weekend was just a disaster. It started off with the holy water. SOPHIA What did you do, drink it? ROSE No, Sophia, I wouldn't do that. I threw a penny in it for luck. DOROTHY And Charlie got upset. ROSE Upset? Everything I did upset him. And it really wasn't my fault. Like when that woman started flailing around on the floor, I thought she was having convulsions. Then she passed out. How did I know it was just a religious experience? I started giving her CPR and told them to call an ambulance. They just kept singing a hymn and when it was over she revive d. I felt so foolish, I don't think I've ever been that embarrassed. BLANCHE Didn't Charlie come to your aid? ROSE Come to my aid? He started singing the hymn. I guess that's how they revive people. DOROTHY That must have been terrible. ROSE That wasn't the worst of it. When it came time for the baptism, we all assembled down by the river. It wasn't really a river. It was more like a babbling brook, with beautiful pine trees and little tiny frogs. SOPHIA Could we speed this up a bit? ROSE Anyway, we were at the river and Brother Lester said for everyone who wanted to be baptized to step forward. Well, everyone stepped forward but me. You see, I've already been baptized and I don't think it's something that wears off. Well, they all just stared at me. I looked at Charlie and his face started turning terrible shades of red. The next thing I knew, he was picking me up and throwing me in the river. BLANCHE Is that how the fight broke out? ROSE Yes. Everyone was fighting for a chance to throw me in. As soon as I would drag myself out, somebody else would toss me back, just like a fish. DOROTHY Rose, I'm so sorry. ROSE Oh you don't have to be sorry, Dorothy. I know you wouldn't have thrown me in. BLANCHE Does this mean you won't be seeing Charlie anymore? ROSE Oh, I didn't think Charlie was right for me from the beginning. DOROTHY Rose, you nose appears to be getting longer. ROSE No, really. I knew Charlie was trying to make me over into his late wife. But you know, it just felt so good to say "Charlie" and have somebody answer for a change. DOROTHY Sort of a symbiotic relationship. ROSE A what? DOROTHY A symbiotic relationship. You know, like a barnacle has with a whale. The barnacle keeps the whale free from disease by feeding on the whale's parasites, and the whale provides food for the barnacle. ROSE Dorothy, you know I don't follow these stories very well. Am I supposed to be the barnacle or the whale? DOROTHY It doesn't matter Rose. All I'm trying to say is that you filled a need in Charlie and he filled a need in you. There's really nothing wrong with that. BLANCHE Unless of course you're the barnacle and the whale decides to turn on you. ROSE No, Blanche. I think I was supposed to be the whale and Charlie was the barnacle. BLANCHE No, I'm sure you were the barnacle and Charlie was the whale. ROSE No, I... DOROTHY Stop it!!! It doesn't matter who the whale was. That's not the point. ROSE But it's important, Dorothy. DOROTHY Tell me Rose, why is it important? ROSE Well, I've never seen a bumper sticker yet that says "Save the Barnacles". DOROTHY You're right, Rose. It's important. FADE OUT