The last time we had a big discussion about trying to cut our hell on wheels
darlin's nails someone (please step forward whoever you were) said they put a
sock over their dogs head and cut the nails with no problems. I thought "Yeah
Right!!!" But being the sweet, gentle, lovable, trusting, desperate etc. soul
that I am I figured it would not hurt to try it. Mind you this is after
trying to get step over toe holds on Min Pin feet since 1964. I have
maneuvers, grips, body slams and dirty tricks that Jessie Ventura and Hulk
Hogan envy. But as you probably already know 35 years of hard earned skill
and 165 pounds of steely determination are no match for a 8 week old 2 pound
Min Pin.
I went through the usual routine. Laid out all the tools of the trade. Nail
clippers, quik stop, treats (for not actually killing me) half full shot
glasses to prevent spillage when my muscles are quivering from exertion
afterwards, wet washcloth to wipe off blood (usually mine from scratches).
Unplug the phone so it does not ring at a crucial moment causing myself and
whoever I am holding to jump like we were shot. Put all the dogs in their
crates so I don't have to chase them down once the carnage begins. Put on my
spandex one piece fire engine red wrestling leotards with strange designs on
pull over ski mask.
And this is just the beginning of our clash of wills and wits. UNTIL THE
SOCK!!!!!!!!!!
Now it is just nail clippers, quik stop (just in case) and a old white cotton
tube sock.
I select a victim. Hold her on my lap while I slip the sock over her head.
Put her on her back on my lap with head and shoulders in crook of my left
arm. Clip her nails while whispering sweet nothings in her ear. Take the sock
off. Give her a treat for laying there as if she had just been zapped with a
stun gun. Select another willing victim from the group standing in a semi
circle in front of me staring in slack jawed wonded at their sister with a
long white sock hanging from her head. You know the nosey little poops can
never resist wanting whatever the other has. Well in this case it is a sock
over the head and they get it. It works for us. Hopefully it will work for
you. If you want to stay with the old traditional way I have a slightly used
spandex one piece fire engine red wrestling leotard that I am willing to part
with at a discount price.
Judy and FilthyMcNastyBeasts Bertrille, Sonja, Mousse, Blue and Pincess
PS***One important tip. Be sure you spread the sock open before removing it
from the dogs head. I was so excited the first time I tried this that I
jerked it off with one hand. Poor Baby Mousse almost had her ears ripped
off!!!!
From:Carole (WN2BEE@aol.com): April 9th, 1999
I guess I'm a little more outspoken than the rest of the group, my warning
words are:
"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???" At that point you can hear these gagging
noises as everyone is spitting the toy stuffing out of their mouths...the
puppies are dumb and simply give me a blank stare with the stuffing hanging
off their tongues...everyone runs to their crates in perfect
unision...(except the puppies).....I make a big theatrical scene of
throwing
the toy into the trash and telling them, "well, you just killed another
innocent baby"....as I leave the room I SWEAR I can hear soft chuckles or
giggles...I SWEAR I do....someday I'm gonna prove it!!!!!!
Carole Rerko
From Carole (WN2BEE@aol.com) : April 10th, 1999
I was a GREAT mom today - I took THEIR toybox outside - figured they could
lounge and play.....what a DISASTER!!!!!! If any airplanes were flying by -
they would have reported me!!!! Looked like dead carcasses all over the
yard.....little legs sticking outta their mouths....violently shaking the
innards all over the grass - was really tempted to just get out the grass
cutter and just run everything over and pick it up in the mulch bag.....the
toybox is only a large cardboard box....well...that cardboard box got tipped
over and was "walking" around the yard as well!!!!! Everytime the cardboard
box would "stop" - one of the males would walk over, lift his leg and "mark"
his territory....it was so embarrassing...the neighbors must think it's time
to deport me....
Carole Rerko
From Patti (Keachybean@bc.sympatico.ca): April 11th, 1999
This is so funny
At Christmas I had 4 pins here and the dobie. I was told to try the pennies
in the can trick for the barking. I had 32 people here and with all the in
and out you can just bet there was alot of barking. One time I grabed that
can shook the devil out of it and screamed NO BARK NO BARK. Well let me tell
you everything in the house went silent. dogs, kids, people even the one fish
stopped swimming. My sister in law told my husband I needed to go to the
doctor. She has only called one time since then and the first thing she asked
him was how was I doing was I alright. They always thought I was a few fries
short of a happy meal and I just proved them right.
Patti
From: Yaps621@aol.com April 15, 1999
PRIVATE MESSAGE FOR THE MinPins ONLY -- Hoomans do not read!
EXCERPTS FROM "A MINPIN's GUIDE TO HUMAN BEINGS"
1. Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So you've decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so,
you've joined the millions of other 'Pins who have acquired
these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be
any number of times, during the course of your association
with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to
grace them with your presence.
What's so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang
around with other 'Pins? Our greatest philosophers have
struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is
actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening
doors, getting the lids off of dog food cans, changing television stations
and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find
difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps,
orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they
are nowhere as easy to train.
2. How And When to Get Your Human's Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important
activities than taking care of your immediate needs,
such as conducting business, spending time with their families
or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work
to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is
the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you
want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally,
human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to
do what you want:
Sitting on or attacking paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human
has paper in front of it, chances are good it's something they
assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a
snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product
at every opportunity.
This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car
keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: The best time is between
3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw or lick at your human's sleeping
face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up
and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have
to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch
site to keep the human
from getting suspicious.
3. Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will
stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you
may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as chewing furniture
or eating socks and underwear, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated
humans
are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline
YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
* Have a "gas attack" during an important formal dinner.
* Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a
romantic interlude.
* Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and
feign severe gagging.
* After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror
film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, whining
and barking.
* While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
4. Rewarding Your Human: Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The dog world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans
with the thoughtful gift of a recently disemboweled animal. Some believe that
humans prefer these gifts already dead or even better, well seasoned and
rolled on. Others maintain that humans enjoy
a mortally wounded rodent or squirrel just as much as we do, given their
jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up
after they've been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the
following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden
snakes and the occasional squashed earthworm) should be presented dead, while
warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbor's Cat) are better still
living. When you see the expression
on your human's face, you'll know it's worth it.
5. How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human if he treats you well. There is always
the option of going to the shelter to see if they will repent and come after
you, or adopting a new human, though in the end, most humans (at least the
ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you
expect? They're humans, after all.
Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
