These are a series of Cautionary Tales by the aged Crone, Hemlock, with whom I have a deep aquaintance. Take heed.
A CAUTIONARY TALE
Amongst my many duties, it is from time to time my privilage to concern myself with those less fortunate than myself, towit, those who, either through mischance at birth, or through illness do not have the full use of their faculties.
It happened last Friday that I was asked to accompany one such disadvantaged individual through the streets of the great city of London to assist him to come to terms with the horseless carriages that abound, and the many pedestrians thronging that thoroughfare. The young gentleman in question propelled himself by means of a small horseless carriage, powered by some new fangled gas or other power source unknown to me.
Thinking that I was merely to accompany him back and forth along a short distance immediately outside his residance and assessing his capabilities in that fiendish cart, I dressed myself in a smart business suit, with a warm topcoat, in case of a chill in the air. I also carried about my personage a briefcase containing the means to make a record of what transpired. My shoes, being , albeit, of a strong and robust construction were unsuited to the task which next manifested itself.
Imagine my amazement when the young gentleman sped off down the pedestrian highway at a speed more suited to a cantering mare, weaving in and out of the unsuspecting citizenry with what can only be described as a 'devil may care' attitude.
I followed the best I could, trotting along behind, and finding myself obliged to apologise to those forced from their path by this marauding youth. At one point whilst negotiating a busy crossroads he drove his contraption IN FRONT of a large horseless carriage, forcing the driver to honk his horn, and make gestures of a most ungentlemanly nature. This sorry state of affairs continued on a circuituous route lasting at least 2 miles, at the end of which, being back at the young man's place of abode, I found myself sorely fatigued and in possession of a ravenous thirst.
No victuals were offered, and after a few minutes in which I o my opinion as to his expertise in controlling his carriage, which I must confess to the reader was less than complimentary, I took my leave.
I would consel you, therefore, that should you be asked
to undertake a task which at first glance appears to be of a simple
nature, to make as many enquiries as possible to discover the
EXACT NATURE of the task. Having done so, and it not being to
your liking, I would suggest the following:- l. dress in a manner
most appropriate to the task, 2. plead constaints on your time
of the most pressing nature, 3. invent an aunt who has suddenly
been taken ill necessitating a visit to some outlying area, or,
if all else fails do not be too proud to fabricate a fit of the
vapours.
HEMLOCK
A CAUTIONARY TALE
On the Saturday afternoon, I undertook, as previously arranged, to visit a dear friend, Linda, who resided in the distant township of Harlow. I spent the best part of the afternoon and evening in her company, Linda, agreeing most graciously, to read for me the mystic Tarot Cards, in which I have a great interest.
I have to confess that I was a little disappointed, I did not understand the spread Linda chose, nor her interpretation of the cards presented. However, the time passed pleasantly enough, until I took my leave at around 15 minutes past the hour of eight of the clock.
I arrived home at about nine, and the evening looming unfilled in front of me, and there being nothing of interest on the box of moving pictures, I decided that now would be an ideal time to avail myself of a spliff. (For those who are uninitiated into this habitué, it consists of a small amount of tobacco supplemented with a sprinkling of marijuana, which one rolls into a cigarette, lights with a taper, and inhales.
I fear that I may have used too much of the dreaded resin,
as, after about half an hour I began to feel somewhat unwell.
Believing that a glass of water might relieve the
nausea, I prepared to remove myself into the kitchen. Imagine
my chagrin and dismay when having taken four or five steps down
the hallway I found myself TOTALLY INCAPABLE OF FURTHER INDEPENDENT
PROPULTION!!!
I managed, by means of holding onto items of furniture in
the near vicinity, to return to my living room, where I arranged
myself on the settee in a recumbent position. I began, to my relief,
to feel a little better, but low and behold, after a half an hour
had barely passed, I again felt that dizzy, unrealness that confirms
to the user that they are, in fact, totally stoned. It was around
this time, that glancing casually about me, something unusual
caught my eye. (I feel I should explain at this point that on
a small cabinet beside the settee I had lit a night light, so
that should the lamps fail me, I would have the means to transport
myself, safely lit, to bed.)
To continue … to my horror I found that a small piece of
paper had found its way onto the lighted wick, and was at that
very moment aflame! What to do? I forced myself into a standing
position, and there being no water at my disposal (please refer
to my aforementioned attempts to acquire some), I blew with all
the force I could muster upon the flaming object.
With some luck, for which I thank whatever good spirits were watching
over me, the flame was extinguished. The only damage being an
overspill of molten wax onto the cabinet, but this was easily
remedied.
I feel that this experience should act as a CAUTION to anyone
wishing to smoke the evil weed whilst on their own, and to countenance
that this experience should only be undertaken when there is someone
present who is either not partaking, or is able to behave in a
more responsible manner.
HEMLOCK