The Big Brown Livestock Droppings Award is hereby presented to certain meritorious individuals and groups who have likened themselves unto piles of livestock droppings by means of their selfless devotion to the time-honored principles of hate-mongering bigotry, willful ignorance, and senseless idiocy.
November 10, 2006:
Awarded to Sheriff Mike Evans of Calvert County Maryland for permitting an organized crime gang to operate openly in the county. The entire sheriff's department has made a big show of pretending to be blissfully unaware of the very existence of this gang, and the crime-loving citizens of the county have expressed their appreciation by re-electing him by a substantial majority over a better-qualified challenger.
November 10, 2006:
Awarded to the U.S. military establishment for their stunningly successful War of Naked Aggression in Iraq. They've turned Iraq into a virtual American colony, they've gotten Iraqi oil production entirely under the total control of American corporations, they've established a permanent military presence in Iraq, and they've plunged the Iraqi social order into utter chaos so they can't do anything about it.
November 6, 2003:
Awarded to Lt. General William G. Boykin for promoting good will and harmony in the community of nations by reminding everyone that his very own make-believe Big Daddy In The Sky is tougher than everybody else's. He also has the astute vision to see demonic forces where there aren't any except those of his own making.
August 23, 2003:
Awarded to Alabama State Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy S. Moore for his undying love affair with a two-ton hunk of granite inscribed with mystic glyphs having little significance outside the context of his own narrow-minded religious dogma. Verily indeed, such a weird fetish is truly an important qualification for a high-ranking member of America's judicial system.
February 1, 2003:
Awarded to Abby Aaron for promoting her Christian values of loving kindness by spreading as much hate and discontent as possible. She fully understands that the evils of rational thought must be relentlessly combatted by twisting and misconstruing the viewpoints of people several orders of magnitude smarter than she is.
November 24, 2001:
Awarded to Attorney General John Ashcroft for recommending that people accused of terrorism should be relieved of the usual constitutional protections. He recognizes that convicting somebody, just anybody, no matter how innocent, is more important than making sure the guilty person is the one that gets convicted.
August 15, 2001:
Awarded to Jack Chick for making his nice little hate-filled religion-spastic comic books cheaply available to every small-minded pizza delivery person who wants to offend nice ladies' quilting circles with them. He understands that the way to save our souls from his imaginary eternal fire and brimstone is to spew his venomous filth at us.
July 29, 2001:
Awarded to Maryland Family Values Alliance for informing us that the most important of all family values is vicious fuming hatred towards anybody who has any sort of innate predilection that rules out having a family of their own.
July 29, 2001:
Awarded to Take Back Maryland for their astute recognition that granting homosexuals certain rights that the rest of us enjoy would deny the rest of us the right to deny those rights to homosexuals.
March 7, 2001:
Awarded to President George W. Bush for promising to open up the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge for oil drilling. He realizes that what the American people need more than anything else is more cheap fuel for our cars to clog up the highways, and that any concessions toward public transportation, pedestrians, and bicycles would have a destructive impact on the incomes of his cronies in the petroleum industry.
November 5, 2000:
Awarded to The Union Intermediate High School of Broken Arrow, Oklahoma for kicking tenth-grade student Brandi Blackbear out of school for casting an evil witchcraft spell onto one of her professors. The school officials also valiantly placed themselves in jeopardy of being charged with theft by confiscating several of her personal notebooks containing nice fantasy horror stories she had written.
October 28, 2000:
Awarded to The Boy Scouts Of America for their continuing insistence that an irrational belief in a Supreme Being, neither scientifically nor logically supportable, is necessary for moral behavior and good citizenship. They remain steadfast in their stand even in the face of published data showing that several other belief systems that do not involve a Supreme Being are equally conducive to similar ends.
October 27, 2000:
Awarded to The Vatican for its profound pronouncement that all religions except Roman Catholic are gravely deficient. The Vatican is uniquely qualified to make this pronouncement because of its inability to deal with women in leadership positions, its unwillingness to extend the gospel to homosexuals, and its insistence that the unmarried and supposedly celibate priesthood be in charge of making the rules about birth control.
October 25, 2000:
Awarded to Dr. Laura Schlessinger for her astute observation that gay people are biological errors and that most of them are child molesters. She also noted that the First Amendment is not the Eleventh Commandment and therefore doesn't mean what it says.
