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Here are some funnies that I hope you enjoy!
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Check back often because these change frequently.
The Pope, on a visit to New York, is picked up at
the airport by a limousine. He looks at the
beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know,
they never let me drive around the Vatican.
Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesitant and says,
"I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do
that."
But the Pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I
can't really say no to the Pope. And I guess God
will be watching out for you."
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits
the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.
A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the
Pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young
officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol
car and radios the chief...
Cop: Chief, I have a problem.
Chief: What sort of problem?
Cop: Well, you see, I stopped this Limo for driving way over the
speed limit, but it's someone really important. Chief: Important
like the mayor?
Cop: No, no, much more important than that.
Chief: Important like the governor?
Cop: Wayyyyyy more important than that.
Chief: Like the president?
Cop: More.
Chief: Who's more important than the president?
Cop: I don't know, but he's got the Pope DRIVING for him!
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace a doctor
who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany
him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my
stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been
overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been
eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that
woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor
in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen
banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her
sick."
"Huh," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that
at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an
elderly woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy
she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger
doctor told her. Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that
helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly
correct, but how did you arrive at it?"
"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope.
When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the
bed."
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on
the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He
thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9
Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit
9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong,
puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to
the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the
frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man
asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is
befuddled and doesn't know what to say.
By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his
life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
Las Vegas.
"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog
says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think
I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the
man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back
across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He
sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog
replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves
it.
With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And
that, your honor is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy
plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The
little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake
the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't
climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the
big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave a
nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer
and throws up all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later
the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said,
"Let's begin by Reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me
Liberty, or give me death?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for
that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," "Very
good!
"Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people
shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from
Suzuki: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than
you do.
She heard a loud whisper: "Freakin' Japanese." "Who said that?" she
demanded. Suzuki put his hand up."Lee Iacocca, 1982,"
At that point, a student in the back sighed, "I'm gonna puke." The
teacher glares and asks "All right! Now who said that?"
Again, Suzuki says "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.
"Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah! Suck this!" Suzuki
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher,
"Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Last Updated: 25 February 2002 by
Tim Kearby