The Crosswire Files
by David Williamson
| One~day~Muffy~Crosswire~found~a~big~pot~of~gold~at~the~end~o f~a~rainbow.~It~was~too~heavy~to~lift~so~she~went~home~and~g ot~a~shopping~trolley,~even~th en~it~took~her~several ~jouneys.~She~put~all~the~go ld~coi ns~on~the~kitchen~ta ble~and~had~a~good~look~at~ them.~They ~seemed~to~be~very ~old,~but~were~in~quite~go od~condition. When~she~took~on e~to~the~local~museum~for ~them~to~have~a~look~they~said~it ~was~four~thousand~years ~old~and~so~valuable~that~no-one~i n~the~world~w ould~be~rich~enough~to~buy ~it.~Eventually~she~so ld~it~to~the~British~Museum~at~a~bar gain~price~j ust~to~have~some~spending~m oney.~The~very~next~ time~she~saw~a~rainbow~she~went~to~hav e~a~look~and~sure~en ough,~there~was~another~pot~of~gold~eve n~bigger~than~the~ first~one.~After~that~she~started~findi ng~out~all~about~ weather~forecasting,she~even~paid~to~have ~special~ w eather~forecasts~done~to~do~with~rainbows. ~She~al so~b ought~a~pickup~truck~with~a~quad~bike~in~t he~bac k~to~g e t~to~awkward~places.~Soon~her~garage ~was~f ull~o f~gold~c oins~and~it~turned~ out~that~e very~s in gle~one~of~the m~was~just~a s~valuable~a nd~inter esting~as~the~first ~one.~There~wer e~even~some~from~Atlantis.~By~now~she~had~started~advertisin g~for~people~to~help~her,~they~had~to~be~very~honest~and~int erested~in~history~and/or~weather~forecasting.~There~was~soo n~a~regular~supply~of~pots~of~gold~coins~from~all~over~the~w orld~so~they~were~able~to~find~out~the~entire~history~of~man kind~from~thousands~of~years~ago,~also~weather~forecasts~got a~lot~more~reliable.~History~became~the~most~important~subje ct~in~schools~and colleges,~partly~because~it~always~led~to a~good~steady~job.| |
| One day Muffy Crosswire found a big pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. It was too heavy to lift so she went home and got a shopping trolley, even then it took her several jouneys. She put all the gold coins on the kitchen table and had a good look at them. They seemed to be very old, but were in quite good condition. When she took one to the local museum for them to have a look they said it was four thousand years old and so valuable that no-one in the world would be rich enough to buy it. Eventually she sold it to the British Museum at a bargain price just to have some spending money. The very next time she saw a rainbow she went to have a look and sure enough, there was another pot of gold even bigger than the first one. After that she started finding out all about weather forecasting,she even paid to have special weather forecasts done to do with rainbows. She also bought a pickup truck with a quad bike in the back to get to awkward places. Soon her garage was full of gold coins and it turned out that every single one of them was just as valuable and interesting as the first one. There were even some from Atlantis. By now she had started advertising for people to help her, they had to be very honest and interested in history and/or weather forecasting. There was soon a regular supply of pots of gold coins from all over the world so they were able to find out the entire history of mankind from thousands of years ago, also weather forecasts got a lot more reliable. History became the most important subject in schools and colleges, partly because it always led to a good steady job. |
| Muffy Crosswire went into the Garden Centre one day and purchased a packet of umbrella plant seeds. She took them home and planted them. A few weeks later umbrellas started to grow in her garden, all different types and colours. There were even some with advertisements for building societies on. When they were fully-grown she dug them up and sold them, for quite a lot more than the packet of seeds had cost. So she bought several hundred packets of seeds and a field with the money and grew a whole lot more, which she sold, and so on. After a while she was chairperson of a large multinational umbrella corporation. One day she was going to work on the underground when her umbrella slowly started to get bigger. By the time she got to her stop it was too big to get through the door so she just left it. She had lots more. Anyway within a few days you couldn't pick up a newspaper or switch on a TV without hearing reports of giant umbrellas flooding in from all parts of the world. Everywhere they were causing inconvenience and had to be sawed up. Besides this no-one had umbrellas any more and all the umbrella factories had closed down because Crosswire PLC was growing them all from seeds. No-one could even remember how you make umbrellas. So no-one ever had umbrellas again but it didn't matter because everyone went everywhere in cars and went shopping in indoor shopping precincts. Muffy was all right because by now she had lots of money saved up and she didn't get into trouble because there aren't any laws about selling umbrellas which get bigger. |
| One~day~Muffy~Crosswire~noticed~that~when~she~pressed~channe l~up~on~her~ TV~remote~her~TV~set~rose~about~half~an~inch~i nto~the~air. ~When~she~pressed~ch annel~down~it~went~down~ again.~She~t ried~it~on~the~pian o,~that~worked~too~and~she ~found~she~c ould~push~it~roun d~with~one~finger.~Then~she ~tried~it~on ~herself~and~fo und~she~could~push~herself~al ong~with~her ~toes.~Soon~s he~star ted~going~ever ywhere~like ~that,~at~ first~ people~t hought~she~wa s~waring~ro ller-skat es~but~ after~a~bit~ word~got~rou nd~and~eve ryone~s tarted~doing~it.~Not~onl y~piano-remo val~men~but~also~a ircraft~manufacturers,~w ho~found~that ~by~making~speci al~remote~controls~you~ could~make~thin gs~go~as~high~as~you~wanted~and~come~ down~again~safely. ~Once~you~get~into~space~things~s tay~up~anyway,~soon~pe ople~were~going~into~space~whene ver~they ~felt~like~it,~they~had~space-suits~with~remote~controls~bui lt~in.~Once~going~into~space~was~no~problem~intrepid~people~ started~exploring~other~planets,~but~Muffy~Crosswire~stayed~ at~home~and~watched~the~TV~programs~that~got~made~about~it. |
| One day Muffy Crosswire noticed that when she pressed channel up on her TV remote her TV set rose about half an inch into the air. When she pressed channel down it went down again. She tried it on the piano, that worked too and she found she could push it round with one finger. Then she tried it on herself and found she could push herself along with her toes. Soon she started going everywhere like that, at first people thought she was waring roller-skates but after a bit word got round and everyone started doing it. Not only piano-removal men but also aircraft manufacturers, who found that by making special remote controls you could make things go as high as you wanted and come down again safely. Once you get into space things stay up anyway, soon people were going into space whenever they felt like it, they had space-suits with remote controls built in. Once going into space was no problem intrepid people started exploring other planets, but Muffy Crosswire stayed at home and watched the TV programs that got made about it. |
| One~twelth~of~December~Muffy~Crosswire~put~some~potatoes~on~ to~boil~for~her~lunch,~then~she~decided~to~have~a~little~sit ~down~whil e~she~waited~for ~them~to~cook.~She~we nt~to~slee p~but~just~as~ her~eyes~c losed~she~noticed ~that~the ~clock~said~ exactly~twelve~o 'clock.~When~she~ woke~up~a gain~it~was ~only~one~minute~p ast~twelve~but~th e~potatoe s~were~done~and~the~clock~hadn't ~stopped.~And~she ~hadn't~b een~asleep~for~a~whole~day,~it~ was~still~the~twe lfth~of~D ecember,~she~turned~on~the~TV~ just~to~check.~She ~waited~ a~year~and~this~time~put~som e~meringues~on~to~co ok~as~we ll~as~some~potatoes,~she~al so~planted~a~sunflowe r~seed~ in~a~flower~pot~on~the~ki tchen~table,~all~at~exac tly~twe lve~o'clock~and~then~sa t~down~for~a~little~snooz e.~Sure ~enough,~when~she~wok e ~up~it~was~only~one~minute~p ast~bu t~the~meringues~and ~the~potatoes~were~cooked,~the ~merin gues~slightly~over -done~if~anything,~also~in~the~f lower~ pot~was~a~fully- grown~sunflower~plant,~it~was~bent~ over~a t~the~top~whe r e~the~flower~hadn't~had~enough~room~b ecause ~of~the~cei ling.~The~year~after~she~planted~a~gian t~red wood~seedli ng~in~her~garden,~she~also~told~the~loca l~TV~ station~so ~after~th at~everyone~knew~about~it~and~every~year~on~December~the~twe lfth~at~exactly~twelve~o'clock~giant~redwood~trees~sprang~up all~over~the~place,~it~became~quite~a~nuisance~because~not~e veyone~had~enough~room~in~their~gardens,~especially~after~th e~first~few~years.~People~thought~of~other~things~you~could~ do,~not~just~cooking~meringues,~some~people~grew~giant~coppe r`sulphate~crystals~in~their~baths~for~instance.XXXXXXXXXXXX |
| One twelth of December Muffy Crosswire put some potatoes on to boil for her lunch, then she decided to have a little sit down while she waited for them to cook. She went to sleep but just as her eyes closed she noticed that the clock said exactly twelve o'clock. When she woke up again it was only one minute past twelve but the potatoes were done and the clock hadn't stopped. And she hadn't been asleep for a whole day, it was still the twelfth of December, she turned on the TV just to check. She waited a year and this time put some meringues on to cook as well as some potatoes, she also planted a sunflower seed in a flower pot on the kitchen table, all at exactly twelve o'clock and then sat down for a little snooze. Sure enough, when she woke up it was only one minute past but the meringues and the potatoes were cooked, the meringues slightly over-done if anything, also in the flower pot was a fully-grown sunflower plant, it was bent over at the top where the flower hadn't had enough room because of the ceiling. The year after she planted a giant redwood seedling in her garden, she also told the local TV station so after that everyone knew about it and every year on December the twelfth at exactly twelve o'clock giant redwood trees sprang up all over the place, it became quite a nuisance because not eveyone had enough room in their gardens, especially after the first few years. People thought of other things you could do, not just cooking meringues, some people grew giant copper sulphate crystals in their baths for instance. |
| One~day~Muffy~Crosswire~put~down~a~kitchen~chair~so~that~one ~of~the~legs~was~in~a~shoe.~The~cha ir~started~trying~to~w alk~across~the~room~but~couldn't~ma nage~very~well~with~just ~one~leg~so~Muffy~went~and~got~som e~more~shoes~and~put~the m~on~the~other~legs~as~well.~The~c hair~went~across~to~the~b ack~door~hoppity-hoppity~and~wait ed~politely~while~Muffy~o pened~it,~then~it~went~along~the~ path,~jumped~over~the~gate ~and~off~it~went ~down~the~road.~First~it~w ent~to~Windsor~C astle~to~see~the ~Queen,~then~it~went~to~He athrow~airport~ and~got~a~plane~ to~America~where~it~saw~th e~President,~af ter~that~it~saw~t he~Emperor~of~Japan~and~t he~man~who~run s~China,~then~it~w ent~to~see~the~Queen~agai n~and~so~on.~A t~first~everyone~wa s~very~excited~wherever~ the~chair~wen t~but~after~a~bit~th e~novelty~wore~off~and~p eople~started ~to~get~a~bit~bored~w ith~it~so~then~the~chai r~started~vi siting~furniture~facto ries~instead,~it~also~ went~to~museums~where~they~had~a~lot~of~old~chairs.~It~spent ~quite~a~long~time~staying~with~a~chair~designer~in~Denmark. Eventually~it~went~home~but~it~never~really~got~on~with~the~ other~kitchen~chairs,~they~were~too~narrow-minded~so~it~used to~spend~a~lot~of~time~watching~TV~with~the~sofa.~Quite soon afterwards~a~removal~van~arrived~with~a~golden~chaise-longue with~pink~upholstery~and~a~large~invoice,~there~wasn't~reall y~enough~room~but~in~the~end~it~fitted~nicely~into~a~corner. Also~every~summer~from~then~on~a~lot~of~hammocks~and~camping chairs~would~appear~mysteriously~in~the~garden~for~a~few~day s~then~disappear~again. |
| One day Muffy Crosswire put down a kitchen chair so that one of the legs was in a shoe. The chair started trying to walk across the room but couldn't manage very well with just one leg so Muffy went and got some more shoes and put them on the other legs as well. The chair went across to the back door hoppity-hoppity and waited politely while Muffy opened it, then it went along the path, jumped over the gate and off it went down the road. First it went to Windsor Castle to see the Queen, then it went to Heathrow airport and got a plane to America where it saw the President, after that it saw the Emperor of Japan and the man who runs China, then it went to see the Queen again and so on. At first everyone was very excited wherever the chair went but after a bit the novelty wore off and people started to get a bit bored with it so then the chair started visiting furniture factories instead, it also went to museums where they had a lot of old chairs. It spent quite a long time staying with a chair designer in Denmark. Eventually it went home but it never really got on with the other kitchen chairs, they were too narrow-minded so it used to spend a lot of time watching TV with the sofa. Quite soon afterwards a removal van arrived with a golden chaise-longue with pink upholstery and a large invoice, there wasn't really enough room but in the end it fitted nicely into a corner. Also every summer from then on a lot of hammocks and camping chairs would appear mysteriously in the garden for a few days then disappear again. |
| One~day~Muffy~Crosswire~noticed~that~one~of~her~Amaryllis~fl owers~was~getting~more~and~more~beautiful.~This~was~a~bit~st range~because~the~other~flowers~on~the~same~plant~were~just~ beginning~to~grow~ol d~and~die .~The~one~which~was ~getting~more~beaut iful~was ~next~t o~a~mirror~so~she~tu rned~the~flower~p ot~round~unt il~ one~of~the~other~flo wers~was~facing~ the~mirror.~Sure ~e nough~it~started~gett ing~more~beautif ul~again.~So~Muffy ~got~some~tiny~mirror ~tiles~and~put~ them~on~bits~of~wi re~directly~in~front~o f~each~of~the~ flowers.~Soon~it~was ~the~most~beautiful~Ama ryllis~plant~ anyone~had~ever~seen :~it~was~on~lots~of~mag azine~covers~ and~was~also~used~be side~the~announcer~on~t he~news.~Any way~no-one~was~inte rested~in~the~news~any~ more,~they~j ust~wanted~to~look~a t~the~Amaryllis~which~so on~had~a~TV~ channel~all~to~itsel f .~Then~all~the~TV~channe ls~were~devo ted~to~it~so~you~co u ld~look~at~it~from~diff erent~angles .~They~had~to~put~T V~s ets~in~all~the~workplac es~or~nobody ~would~have~gone ~to~ work~any~more.~Not~much ~work~was~bein g~done~anywher e~anyw ay,~peopl e~were~too~bu sy~putting~tin y~mi rror~t iles~on~ bits~of~wire~ in~front~of~flower s.~Someone~i n~Holland~inve nted~a~machine~to~do~it~and~soon~there~were~entire~fields~of very~beautiful~tulips.~Some~people~even~tried~it~with~fungus and~toadstools~which~usually~aren't~beautiful~at~all.~Luckil y,~food~crops~don't~have~flowers~much~or~there~wouldn't~have been~anything~to~eat.~People~stopped~bothering~about~appeara nce,~they~didn't~wash~their~cars~or~use~lipstick~or~buy~thin gs~because~they~looked~nice~(except~for~flowers),~there~just wasn't~any~point.~Eveywhere~you~went~there~were~pots~of~flow ers:~in~buses,~on~building~sites,~even~in~art~galleries~whic h~was~just~as~well~because~all~the~artists~had~given~up~doin g~art.~Of~course~Muffy's~Amaryllis~went~on~being~the~most~be autiful~one~in~the~world~because~it~had~several~weeks~start~ on~everything~else. |
| One day Muffy Crosswire noticed that one of her Amaryllis flowers was getting more and more beautiful. This was a bit strange because the other flowers on the same plant were just beginning to grow old and die. The one which was getting more beautiful was next to a mirror so she turned the flower pot round until one of the other flowers was facing the mirror. Sure enough it started getting more beautiful again. So Muffy got some tiny mirror tiles and put them on bits of wire directly in front of each of the flowers. Soon it was the most beautiful Amaryllis plant anyone had ever seen: it was on lots of magazine covers and was also used beside the announcer on the news. Anyway no-one was interested in the news any more, they just wanted to look at the Amaryllis which soon had a TV channel all to itself. Then all the TV channels were devoted to it so you could look at it from different angles. They had to put TV sets in all the workplaces or nobody would have gone to work any more. Not much work was being done anywhere anyway, people were too busy putting tiny mirror tiles on bits of wire in front of flowers. Someone in Holland invented a machine to do it and soon there were entire fields of very beautiful tulips. Some people even tried it with fungus and toadstools which usually aren't beautiful at all. Luckily, food crops don't have flowers much or there wouldn't have been anything to eat. People stopped bothering about appearance, they didn't wash their cars or use lipstick or buy things because they looked nice (except for flowers), there just wasn't any point. Eveywhere you went there were pots of flowers: in buses, on building sites, even in art galleries which was just as well because all the artists had given up doing art. Of course Muffy's Amaryllis went on being the most beautiful one in the world because it had several weeks start on everything else. |