Editor's Note: Why hasn't there been another issue yet? We are waiting for more submissions. I would rather have lost of articles from other net people than just from me. Check out the submission guidelines.
Cyberspace, Internet (IPI) -- Connie Mae Weathers and Steven Connors weren't ready for a commitment. They were two lonely people, who wanted some company on a Saturday night on the internet. They decided to join the #phonesex channel in IRC, the internet relay chat, through which people can have uncensored public or private real-time discussions. The #phonesex channel is notorious for having explicit sexual discussions 24 hours a day. But the result of Connie and Steven's encounter was a total shock to them, and to the internet community at large. Two days later, there was a new channel formed on IRC called #newborn, with two channel operators called baby1 and baby2. People joined the channel, attempting to strike up a conversation with the users, but they seemed to only speak gibberish. At first people assumed they were speaking Finnish, but that was dismissed when Finnish people actually attempted to communicate with them. When someone decided to look at their username and net address (which are being withheld for privacy reasons) it turned out to be a combination of Connie and Steven's net address. A quick query to the NIC determined that no such site exists. It seems that the only explanation is that the twins are the offspring of Connie and Steven, stemming from their encounter on the #phonesex channel.
"We weren't expecting this at all," explains Connie, "I didn't even know Steven at the time. No one told us of the dangers."
"Connie seems like a cool girl. You know, I can't skateboard as much anymore, and I'm trying to learn how to spell without using internet shorthand. I guess we need to get responsible real fast."
Connie and Steven have named the babies Tiberius and Surf Unit, keeping the names gender-nonspecific. But do people really need to protect themselves when having cybersex?
"The answer is unequivocally yes," announces Leningrad University professor Boris Stalcenko, "It seems that sex on the internet is not only harmful to what you call family values. I think we have not seen this in the past because women have not really been participating in these activities. Most of the users on IRC with female names have been males pretending to be women, as a gag."
Scientists around the world are trying to figure out what happened, and trying to figure out a way to prevent it from happening again. There are hundreds of people sitting in IPHONE hoping the babies will try to communicate. Until then, abstinence is the best protection.
Cambridge, England (IPI) -- Clanrence Silversmith was working quietly in his lab at Cambridge University, but didn't realize that someone was taking advantage of a World Wide Web site he has set up which allows internet users from all over the world to control a robotic arm. As Mr. Silversmith reached over to grab a micropipette, the arm swung around, bruising him on the side of his head.
"It's quite silly, really," noted Silversmith, and added, "I really should have been more careful. I mean, I set up the bloody thing."
But Paul Averback, an Australian physicist, would take all the blame himself.
"I should have made sure the area was clear. The problem is that the camera only updates when I reload my Netscape. I had no idea his head was there. Actually, I was trying to do him a favor. I noticed that one of his calculations was incorrect, and I was about to re-mix one of his solutions. I think there is a good chance I was about to perfect cold fusion."
Dr. Silversmith was bandaged up at the scene, and is expected to make a full recovery.
Georgia, United States (IPI) -- The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta confirmed today that the Ebola virus cannot be transmitted via the internet. But some scientists around the world think that may not be a permanent state of affairs.
"Yes, currently this is true. A virus cannot, of course, be transmitted over wires or over satellite. But as these diseases adapt to our world, you never know what can happen," says Lichtenstinian doctor, Franz Jarman.
But what precautions should we be taking?
"Well, as with any infectious disease, you should avoid contact with exposed areas of the body," explains a California doctor who would not allow his name to be given. "Use gloves when typing, perhaps a rebreather, or even a spacesuit when you are communicating with the more infected areas."
Tennesee, United States (IPI) -- Thousands of Elvis fans have lined up outside the offices of K.I.P, Inc, outside of Memphis. Short for King Internet Providers, the firm has advertised internet access in the local paper, but with a twist...they claim that the king himself has an account on the machine, and that he has been browsing the web, reading news, even occasionally connecting to a gopher site. The Weekly Web News has learned that Elvis' account is actually a PPP account, and that he recently switched from CSLIP.
"We aren't permitted to give out the account name," reports KIP president Ed Bulders, "but he's on there, and he would like to remain private. He never posts, sends mail, or joins IRC discussions. He's basically your average lurker."
"I don't know what the internet is," cried fanatic Jennifer Coolidge, "but I know I have to be on this one here at KIP. If the king is here, I have to be here too."
When Ms. Coolidge was asked what type of system she has, she went running off to the local Walgreens to try to get one, as she hadn't realized one was necessary to, "get upline."
But some fans were a bit skeptical.
"I don't know," hesitated Joe Bob Lundgren, "I think if it was the real Elvis, he would just have one of them shells. None of this pee-pee stuff."
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