Dear Kate,
Dear Confused about love,
Dear Kate,
Dear Frustrated and Confused,
Next, ask what you can do to make things better. Then LISTEN WITHOUT INTERRUPTING HER. If what she asks is 'doable' then agree to do it. If not, then tell her what you would be willing to do. Then LISTEN WITHOUT INTERRUPTING HER. Repeat this until you have arrived at a mutually agreeable solution and then stick to your agreement!
During this, do not assume you know how she feels or anything else for that matter. No one knows how another feels. Only the person who feels whatever knows how they feel, so clear your mind of preconceived ideas (it's hard to do, but a necessity) and LISTEN TO WHAT SHE TELLS YOU.
Try asking her what she needs you to do so that she knows you are listening. Then, if it is reasonable, do it. It's very possible that all she want is for you to listen without trying to 'fix' whatever is wrong. Sometimes women just need to vent and we want the man in our life to be there to listen and give us a hug -- nothing more.
Dear Kate,
Dear Tired of Arguing,
Dear Kate,
Dear Desperate one, If being this forward makes you uncomfortable, you could always try to meet her another way. I went to college with a couple that met freshman year when he bought her used biology textbook. He set up the meeting through a friend who knew she was selling her book. It was an opportunity to meet her and he took it. They met to exchange money for book and of course talked a little while they were there. Three years later, he enrolled in a biology course and used that book for the first time. Today, they are happily married and that old biology book is one of her most prized possessions. Why did this approach work? The answer is simple: It was fresh and honest, except the minor detail of his not needing the book for another three years. But we can’t be perfect! So if you are too shy to just go up and ask her out, don’t despair. There may be other ways to meet her. All you have to do is look for them. Of course, if you are at the grocery store and will never see her again, you will have to act then. Try something easy at first. Ask her a question. Can I help you carry those? Do you see the baking soda? This opens a dialogue. From here, it is up to you where this conversation goes. Muster up your courage and ask. Remember, the worst thing she can do is say no. Avoid worn out lines and clichés when meeting a woman. They have heard every line you have. Stuff like "Will you marry me?" or "What is a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?" really doesn’t work. Women will talk to men after one of these lines, not because of them, but rather in spite of them. So drop the lines and be genuine. There are other ways to start a conversation. Women are intelligent. Treat them as such and they will respect you for it. I’ve never heard another girl make fun of a guy by saying, "Can you believe that guy just said hello and introduced himself to me!" No, she would sound dumb. But I can’t remember how many times I myself have said, "Can you believe the line that guy just tried to use on me? What a loser!" Be genuine and you stand a chance. Use a line and you might get axed right then and there. If you ignore my advice and decide to use a line anyway, and she accepts your offer for a date, keep in mind that you will never know if she would have accepted you on your merit alone. Chances are, if she went for the line, she would have went for honesty too. I cannot stress enough that women do not go out with men because they used a great line. We go out with men in spite of them. So keep in mind that first impressions count.
Dear Kate,
Dear Non-Mainstream,
Dear Kate,
Dear Anonymous,
Dear Kate,
Dear Scared,
The First Kiss Process Decision to Kiss. Here you are, in the company of someone you are desperate to kiss. Well, unless your partner is a mind reader, nothing is going to happen if you don’t take some initiative. Make the decision. Physical Contact. Take a reading on your partner’s interest in the idea. You can do this with a gentle touch: try either holding the person’s hand, walking arm-in-arm, or sitting close. If you sense disapproval, smile, drop whatever you may be holding, and proceed with light conversation. (You have not yet put yourself in an embarrassing position, and you now have time to reevaluate he situation and perhaps try again later.) Establish a Position. If he or she is responding positively to your physical contact, the next step is positioning yourself so that you’ll feel comfortable kissing your partner. In most situations, the optimal position is face to face with shoulders squared and body heights equal, either standing or sitting. It is preferable not to hold onto your partner, however; if you choose a hold, make sure it is non-threatening. Your partner should never feel confined or restrained. Eye Contact. The eyes are capable of giving great insight into how your partner is feeling. Try to establish eye contact. If your eyes are not met, or eye contact it broken quickly, this is a signal to retreat. If the eye contact is sustained, move on to the next step. Move In Closer. You are comfortably positioned, and you have strong eye contact. Now is the time to move in for the kiss. This is the final checkpoint prior to kissing. As you move in, pause slightly before touching the lips to see if your partner is also moving forward. You should be pausing around the time your partner’s nose falls out of focus and you’re forced to tilt your head to avoid a nose collision. The other party ought to make an ever-so-slight advice to let you know they are in agreement. If this doesn’t have, you may continue to the next step, or take the conservative approach – draw back and reexamine your partner’s eyes. Kiss. With a positive response from your partner, it is now time to approach for a romantic mouth-to-mouth kiss. Slowly and thoughtfully ease forward until the lips gently touch. Don’t complicate the situation by bringing your tongue into play. Stop. As the initiator of the kiss you should be the one to end it. It is considered bad form if your partner has to break away. Do not be abrupt, and in no way signal the end to further kissing. Simply pull back and observe you partner’s eyes. If you move forward to continue kissing and your partner does not, this is a sign that perhaps he or she doesn’t feel any chemistry. In this situation, it is advised that you stop kissing. A First Deep Kiss. Now that you’ve successfully performed a first kiss, it’s time for pay dirt: the notorious French kiss, or deep kiss. Beginning a deep kiss is much like knocking on someone’s front door. The way you knock can determine whether you are invited inside. With your partner relaxed and responding affirmatively to your kisses, try parting your lips. Unless he or she pulls back, you might try gently touching the person’s lips with your tongue. If you meet resistance, reel in you tongue, bring you lips back together, and resume kissing as you were earlier. On the flip side, if your partner responds to your "knocking" by parting lips, consider this gesture an invitation for your tongue to enter the mouth, and go on in , gradually. It is poor technique to thrust your tongue headlong into the mouth at a speed that could break the sound barrier or dental work. Proceed slowly and tentatively. The tongue contains very sensitive nerve endings; a light touch can cause quite a sensation. The initiator now moves the tongue forward only as far as is necessary to meet the recipient’s tongue. Once the tongues meet, each should massage the other in a tender caress. Avoid Gagging Your Partner. Your tongue should remain in your partner’s mouth and not wander down the throat. Don’t Over-French. Returning to simple kissing does not mean losing ground. Participating in a lengthy deep kiss can be as tedious as listening to a record skip. And your lips start to feel like raisins. The wise kisser orchestrates his or her kissing session with an artful combination of deep and simple kisses to create crescendos and diminuendos. Variation keeps your partner attentive.
Dear Kate,
Dear Caught In A Love Triangle,
Dear Kate,
Dear Tired of Arguing, Try talking to her and expressing how you feel while listening to how she feels. Together you will either work this problem out, or move on to date other people. I cannot tell you how you will know if/when it is time to end a relationship. In the absence of abuse, only you can answer that because it depends on your commitment to the relationship.
Dear Kate,
Dear Phone Man, The answer also depends on the type of conversations you have. If you have long good talks it’s okay to call and chat. But if all you do is make plans to see each other, than a call to chat could be awkward, leaving you both sitting on the phone trying to think of something to say which is not a fun situation! Also, a gentleman always calls a lady the day after their date to tell her he had a nice time. You don’t have to ask her out again at this point. Just thank her for a lovely evening. But if you want to, you can say, "I’d like to see you again." Then if she’s willing, you can make plans. Or you can set up a time to make plans. "Great, I’ll call you Wed. and we can make plans for the weekend." Finally, call her when you say you will, if only to say "I can’t talk right now, is it okay if I call you around 8/at work tomorrow/home this evening?"
Dear Kate,
Dear Shy Guy,
Dear Kate,
Dear Confused,
Dear Kate,
Dear Secret Love,
Dear Kate,
Dear Mr. Dilemma,
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There is a girl that I like very much and I want to ask her out. I'm scared she will turn me down because I found out from her that she thinks of me as a brother. Any suggestions.
"I think of you as a brother" is what I call the kiss of death. It's one way that women let men know that we are not interested in dating them. By saying this we avoid causing uncomfortability in the friendship while getting our message across. So, if she thinks of you like a brother, you can pretty much forget dating. Enjoy the friendship, it’s all you’ll get from her.
I have dating a very special woman for several months now.
We have gotten very close during those months but lately we
have been fighting on a constant basis. She says that I never listen to what she has to say. I want to know how I can become a better 'listener.' I do not want to lose this person in my life. She is too precious to me. Thank you for all of your help.
There are certain times of year, such as the holidays, when tensions tend to run higher for people. This causes more arguments. What you need to do is understand that you are both under pressures and look at those. When she gets upset, ask why she is angry. Then listen WITHOUT INTERRUPTING HER. When she has finished talking say something like, "I understand you are upset because (then insert what you think she just told you)." If you understood wrong, she will correct you here. Again, LISTEN WITHOUT INTERRUPTING HER. Repeat this until you both agree about what she is angry about.
My girlfriend and I have fights that tend to get out of hand. We both end up saying stuff that we later regret. Any suggestions?
I advocate the Fair Fight Rules. Decide with your girlfriend that you will both abide by them and things will improve immediately. They are:
Hi, I'm new at this picking up girls thing. Where can I go to meet nice girls and what should I say to them??Cause I've bought books and they don't seem to have the right sentence I'm looking for to get a conversation going.
Want to know a secret? Women ask how to meet men. Both sexes are in search of each other. Because if this, it is very easy to meet women. There is no magic list of where or how to meet women. Though some would try to sell you one. The trick is to go about your normal life and at each place, stop and look around. Where are you right now? Have a look around. See any women? Any you would like to meet? Yes? Well, go talk to her. Just walk up and say something polite such as, "Hi. My name is John Doe. I was noticing you from over there and I was wondering if you’d like to get to know each other over a cup of coffee?" At the worst, she’ll say no, at best, you’ll have a date with her.
I have a date this weekend and I'm wondering, aside from the dinner and movie thing what can I do? I want this date to be something different that she will remember.
Some date ideas other than the old standby: go to a museum exhibit, ice skating, roller blading, go see a play or musical, go to a symphony concert, miniature golf (indoor or outdoor), theme parks, cook dinner for her, go sailing or boating, karoke bar, have a tennis match and a picnic, swimming, brunch, lunch, go to a party, street side or state fair, dancing, hot air balloon show, air show, fishing, rent bikes and go biking, paddle boating at a lake, take a walk down a scenic trail, go to the beach, if it's a clear night and you live in the city drive to the country for a look at the stars and sky -- it's amazing without all the city lights, a double date. The list is endless. If you live in a city with any tourist attractions, try going to them. I'll bet the majority of people who live in Manhattan have never been to the Statue of Liberty, yet people travel from all over to see her. Try combining ideas and doing a few different things. As long as they are interesting activities to both of you, you will have fun!! I hope this helps get you started. Just take what you are both interested in and do it! Or mix interests. On one date, do something you like to do. Then, on the next date, do something she likes to do. This is also good way to learn about each others interests.
I am married and am currently seeing another woman. I have strong feelings toward her, but I am afraid that my wife will find out. I still love my wife, but I feel young all over again when I'm with her. What should I do?
Stop seeing the other woman immediately. If she doen't already know (never underestimate the intuition of a woman!) your wife will eventually find out and the result could be divorce. You know why you like being with this other woman -- she makes you feel young. So, you need to figure out ways that you can make yourself feel young. Do something new and exciting. What have you always wanted to do? Take up bungy jumping? photography? wear a different style of clothes? go dancing until the sun comes up? Find your own answer and then do it. You will be happier and feel younger which will affect your marriage in a good way. It's very important that you talk to your wife about how you feel. Together, discuss ways to get out of the rut your marriage has settled into. Then follow through with spicing things up. Communicate with your wife about your needs and wants -- it's the only way she will know you are feeling like this. Finally, by following my advice you will give the woman you married a chance to make you feel young.
I have never kissed a girl and I think my girlfriend of three months
wants me to kiss her. How do I know if she does want to kiss and if so, please help because I don't know how to french kiss.
There is book called Kissing, Everything You Ever Wanted To Know that I highly recommend you buy. Written by Tomima Edmark, it's published by Simon & Schuster and sells for $6.95 in the USA. The following is an excerpt from her book:
This series of steps is designed so that you will err on the conservative side, if at all. The goal is to deliver an impressive first kiss while minimizing the awkward moments. Please note however, that there is no singular right way to kiss someone for the first time.
There is this girl in my class that I like but she is obsessed with this loser who is not good for her. She say's she likes me but when she's around me she talks constantly about this other guy. Her friends don't approve of this other guy and neither do her parents. What do I do?
It's hard to do, but you wait. You can always ask her out on a date later. Wait for the right time, which depends on her relationship with this other guy. Are they in an exclusive relationship, etc.? When she is free and no longer obsessed with him, then ask her out. Otherwise you might end up dating her while she still has strong feelings for him and that's no fun! If she is interested in you as you said, it won't be a long wait.
How do you know when there is no hope for your relationship? I have been with my girlfriend for 7 months now, and we have been encountering problems the last month or so about small, stupid things, and we want to go back to the way we were, but we aren't sure how to go about it. She says that I'm difficult to read, which I can probably understand. But she is very sensitive, and the littlest comment can upset her, and cause an argument. I'm basically trying to figure out what is happening to us, and what we can do to solve it. I wish I could say more, but we're not even sure what's wrong. We love each other like crazy, we're together all the time, but there are times when we just want to strangle each other, you know? Any advice would be appreciated.
Every relationship has it's ups and downs. If you have been dating for 7 months now, you know how to push each other's buttons! The trick is to learn these buttons and avoid them. When arguments do arise (and they will in any relationship) be respectful of each other's feelings. Try and get to the root of the problem. Sometimes little things can upset us if something bigger is going on. Skyler, (my sweetie) knows that when I fuss about trivial things, it usually means that one of my greater needs (like my need for attention) isn't being met.
I am a 40 year old male who has recently re-entered the dating scene after a divorce. I have been dating a few women but I'm not sure how often it is appropriate to call them. What is the current etiquette?
When you call a woman, it shows your interest in her. This holds true for all women, from the woman you are dating to your mother! How often you should call depends on the type of relationship you want. When you call often, it sends a message that the relationship is more serious. So let the frequency of your calls reflect your interest in the relationship. Don’t call her 4 times a week if you only want a barely there relationship, unless you have already discussed the terms of your relationship with her.
Every time I get close to a girl that I like I seem to freeze up. My mind goes blank and I don't know what to say. Most of the time I end of making a fool of myself and making the girl think that I don't like her but it's just that I'm shy. Usually after I get to know a girl I talk quite a bit, it is just breaking the ice that I have problems with. Any suggestions?
Shyness is a very real obstacle to meeting girls. The good news is that it's normal. One study estimates that about 84 million Americans consider themselves shy. So you are not alone. There is something you can do. Make a list of situations where are shy. Then think of how you would handle these if you were not shy. How would you act? What would you say? The idea here is to practice not being shy in those situations until, finally, you no longer feel shy when they occur. In the meantime, when you talk to women, focus on them as much as possible. When you take your mind off yourself, you become less self-conscious, which automatically makes you less shy. So, listen to what people talking to you are saying, notice their clothes or how they move their hands when they speak; all these details will help you be less shy. Also, keep in mind that the person you are talking to has things they are self-conscious about too. So they are probably too preoccupied worrying about themselves to notice whatever you are worried about with yourself!
Do most women find short/balding/handicapped/tall/etc. men unattractive? I have never been very successful at getting dates. I would appreciate any advice. Thanks in advance! I look forward to hearing from you.
I get his question a lot. Everyone has something about them that they are self conscious about. It is usually that trait that they blame not getting dates on. Insert whatever trait you wish and the statement remains true. The trick is finding a woman who responds well to you and asking her out. The next time you feel like women are not attracted to you because you are for example, balding, look around the next time you are in public and notice how many balding men have dates. Think of famous people or friends or even relatives you have that are balding. You will see the answer in true life -- some women are attracted to a trait that other women are not.
I have been friends with a girl for a long time and lately, I have started really liking her. I want to ask her out, but I'm afraid she will say no and then things will be awkward. How do I find out if my girl friend would like to be my girlfriend?
There are a few things you can do. You can take the safe route and say something like, "We outta go out sometime, ya know?" And see how she responds. If she responds well, go on and ask her out. If not, just continue the conversation like it was no big deal or you meant it as going out as friends. That should help with the awkwardness because if things are okay immediately afterward, they usually don’t change later on. Or, you can take the direct route by coming straight out and telling her that you've fallen for her. If you really think she might say no, then try getting her interested in you before doing anything direct. A couple examples would be:
Doing things like this should help her see you as a potential boyfriend and make it easier when you are more direct with the idea. I can't guarantee that it will work in every case, but it certainly can't hurt.
I have been dating this woman for the past 6 years, and I think that I don't love her anymore. She wants to get married, but I don't think I want to. We've been living together for about five of those years, and I feel that it will be a big pain in the ass to make such a decision and I feel kind of like a bastard for breaking up a relationship. It seems like I came to the obvious conclusion already, but I have no clue how to go about it. She's pretty emotional, and I am not looking forward to such outbursts during an already tense moment for me. I know that breaking up is not always an easy time, but I have never done this before. Even though we've been together for some time, we have been making each-other miserable for the past couple of years. Any advice you could give me on this quandary would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
If you feel like a bastard for breaking up the relationship, just imagine what you would feel like for breaking up a marriage. It's better to do it now. Today. Let her go. Today. Don't waste another day of either of your lives when you could both be out meeting Mr. and Mrs. Right. It won't be easy, especially after 6 years. But it sounds like you already know what you want. Now, it's just time to do it. Pick a time when you can be alone and talk for hours without distraction, if necessary. Have Kleenex handy for the tears. Make sure it's a day when her best friend will be available to her (not out of town, etc.) because she will need her friends after you finish talking. Then just tell her how you feel. You love her, but something isn't right and you would rather break off the relationship now then after you are married. Keep the discussion nice on your end, even if she starts saying mean things. Do not place blame. And finally, make the separating move as easy as possible as far as time lines and also finances. Finally, you are not a bastard for feeling the way you do -- keep it that way by handling the break-up with dignity, compassion, and honesty.
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Notice the lack of Dr. before my name. I am not a doctor (yet) or a licensed therapist. This advice is just that, advice. I am not liable for any outcomes if you decide to take my advice.
Copyright, 1996.