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My Friend
You have been my Friend since
High School
When we both thought we were young
and innocent
We would laugh and stay up all night
talking
We would always have a grand old
time
I enjoyed your laughter, and
admired
your care free nature
You were always honest, and
always tried to make life fun and interesting
Our friendship turned into much
much more than just a friendship
Ours is a friendship that is deep,
something that is rare between friends
Something more like "Family"
Something that will last a lifetime
But
Somewhere along that road we traveled
together
Something happened that changed
my life forever
Knocking me off that road we shared,
and sending me on a journey all by myself
Alone
I was looking for answers,
searching for who I was
I started remembering being not
so innocent
Not wanting to laugh, not
wanting to skip
Not wanting to only have fun
I was alone because I could not
let you in
Could not let anyone in
Through my search, I have
stumbled upon, and found my voice
The voice that could free me from
this hell I've erected for myself
A voice that's been silenced to
long by the shame, silenced by the denial
A voice that tells me to let you
in, that I can trust you
A voice that says you will understand
A voice that tells me I'm not vulnerable
to you
A voice that say's you don't Pity,
Blame,
or Judge me
A voice that says you can help
me, if only I would let you
A voice that assures me I'm not
alone, that you're still by my side
A voice that says above all else,
that you believe me and want to help me
And above all else
That you are still my friend,
Still my family
I know it's not easy to listen to
certain things, and I know they hurt when you
Love the person that something bad
has happened to
I know you really cannot understand
how I feel but sometimes I need you to listen
Just show me you care,
tell me you know I hurt, assure me that it's ok to cry
How do I not overwhelm you?
But at the same time let you in?
I need you to understand
That I love you
That I don't blame you for
anything
That nothing was your fault
That I want you in my life forever
That I don't want they're to be
any distance between us
That life isn't just fun and laughter
How? How do I tell you this?
How do I find my voice
By Marlena
Copyright © 6/24/1998 By-Database
Design Unlimited
All Rights Reserved
The Way
The way I wonder did it really happen or
did I make this up
The way I think that maybe I wanted
it
to happen
The way I think maybe I liked it
The way I get confused over the details
I remember
The way I Space out and split
The way I have mood swings
The way I'm not there during sex
The way I can forgive everyone else except
myself
The way I can't say no
The way I learned to shut off my feelings
The way I need to control everything
The way I have low self esteem
The way I wet my bed till I was 12
The way I have shut everyone out
The way I gained weight
The way I have almost no childhood memories
The way I feel alone
The way in which I feel it's my fault
TO
The way I've learned Bio-Feedback &
Emdr
The way I Realize that I am worthy of happiness
The Way I know it was not my fault
The way I know I must take the power back
from my abusers
The Way I read this
And Know
For sure
It really did happen
By Marlena
Copyright © 6/24/1998 By--Database
Design Unlimited All Rights Reserved
Thank You
For taking the time to show
you care
For letting me know you are always
there
For allowing me to rely on your strength,
but yet giving me the
Hope to find my own strength
Thank You
For hearing the words
I did not say
Could not say
For leading me to the path
I was meant to take
Thank You
For the mirror you placed in
my hand
Hoping I would see firsthand
The good person you knew me to be
The person I can NOW allow myself to be
Thank You
For believing in me even when I did not believe in myself
For helping me to find myself
Even though I didn't even know
I was missing
Thank You
For helping me to learn how to Feel
Learn how to Cry
Learn how to Heal
Thank You
For listening week after week, year after year
To all I had Hidden
To all I Forgot
To all of my Hurt
And all of my Pain
Thank You
For watching my blank stares
My not "being there"
For not allowing me to
To get to the point of no return
Thank You
For helping me, as the world as I knew it
Came crumbling down
Hurting me, Blinding me
Yet waking me
Into coming to terms with my past
Thank You
For helping me to use the tools you supplied me with
To mend and to nurture
The broken places deep inside myself
Thank You
For never giving up on me
For giving me Hope
For being my Therapist
For being my Friend
Thank You
By Marlena
Copyright © 6/24/1998 By--Database Design Unlimited
All Rights Reserved
Alone
You ask me , How
I'm doing?
Do I tell you
the truth?
Or do I lie?
If I tell you I'm ok, I've lied and i'm
Alone again
with my pain, eating at my soul
But the truth
seems to be something you cannot deal with
Cannot
handle
I must tell you
That I can't
forget
I just can't
seem to get over it!!
I know you think
I should be over this
I know you think
it's been a long time
But I can't
get over this on your timetable, it has to be on
my terms
You see I need
help
I need
someone to listen to me
To try and understand
As I tell you
that , tears come to my eyes
And I quickly
wipe away the tears so you don't see my pain
And then you quickly
change the subject
"How am I doing?"
Well do you really
want to know?
Or is that just
conversation between friends
Well I will do
better when you start listening to me
If you could
only Understand
Understand
That I need to
get this out
This constant
pain that's inside me
Is unbearable
at times
I know you cannot
fully understand
You cannot
fully comprehend
Yet I need
you to understand
I need
you to care
I need
you to stop thinking I should get over "It"
I need
you to stop avoiding me, out of fear I may bring it up
You see when I
keep this inside
I am alone
again
Alone with
nothing but my thoughts
Nothing but
this emptiness
Nothing but
the shame, and guilt
Alone
I want you to
know that I don't need you to do anything
Just be there
So I know you
care
When you ask me
how I am
Please listen
to my answers
Hear my unspoken
words
Feel my
pain
Please don't forget
or avoid asking me how I am
See when you do
that
I am forced to
hold this pain inside
Forced to be
Alone
Forced to suffer
with my pain Alone
Forced to be
silent again
And that creates
distance between us
Separating us
So
Next time
you ask me how I am
Listen to Me
Hear
Me
Help
Me
Stand by Me
Spare me the
pain of being Alone
By Marlena
Copyright © 6/24/1998
By--Database Design Unlimited
All Rights Reserved
Shame
Your's or mine?
Blame
Certainly not
mine
It's so so hard
to open my sole, expose my vulnerability
So hard to trust
especially when people don't believe me
You made me doubt
myself
Why?
For what reason?
You think it's not true
Cannot be true, You didn't tell
You said to me
You seemed to be fine
You tell me
If it were true, years wouldn't have enveloped
I would have told then
I was young, maybe I thought something happened, that
didn't
Thought ? Thought??
I don't think so
I want to scream
LISTEN TO ME
I'M IN PAIN
That pain needs to come out, the guilt needs to disappear
The shame needs to stop
Since you cannot be one hundred per cent sure
Since you were not there
And I was
Why not believe me?
Why not give me the benefit of the doubt
Why would I make this up?
There were signs, signs everyone ignored
I was the little girl who was a tomboy
The child that wet the bed until 12 or 13 years old
I was the one smoking and doing the drugs
Did I make up all the weight I have gained?
Or maybe all the boyfriends I never had
How about my migraines, Unexplained stomach pain, Mood swings
Wasn't it dark in the room when you picked me up?
Wasn't I the only student with the male teacher?
Wasn't it you who asked me if anything happened?
Wasn't it you who never sent me back?
Don't you remember any of that?
Planted memories you say
Couldn't be, I did it right, I have proof
They were my words, my journey's
Did I make this up for sympathy?
What sympathy did I get?
I told no-one
Did I plan it,
so I would get sympathy 35 years later?
By then a hundred
pounds heavier
By then the flashbacks
comming regularly
By then hiding all
my guilt, all my shame
I was warned,
to be ready for your response, and your denial
But somehow ,
Somehow I thought you would be different
I thought we were
so close
But I come to find
out now
So far
Your no different
than others faced with similar truths
That your just like
all the rest
Denial and Guilt
must be a hard thing to live with
But you needn't
have either
See I don't blame
you
You did nothing wrong, you didn't know
I commend you for your decision to not take me back to the school
And I will always appreciate that
But now it's me who's hurting
It's me who's remembering
It's me that needs you
It's me that know's the truth
By Marlena
Copyright ©
6/24/1998 By--Database Design Unlimited
All Rights Reserved
Lies
What is it?
Why is it?
This thing I harbor inside like a cancer growing
Eating at my very soul, depriving me of
life as I once knew it
These lies I called my life
These lies that everyone thinks I made
up
The lies that no one feels, the imaginary ones
No one feels the pain, because there is no pain
Just me, I feel it
But why?
Why did I lie?
Why wouild I lie?
No one believes me
Says it's not real
All these years and now I know for sure
Not real
Can't go from here
Not real
Not real
Not real
No more lies I'm told
No more Susan I'm told
Can't be objective
Can't help me no more
24 years of lies
or is it 35 years of lies
WHAT GOOD IS LIFE IF I DON"T KNOW WHO I AM?
WHAT GOOD IS IT WITH NO ONE TO UNDERSTAND?
WHAT GOOD IS IT WITH NO ONE TO TALK TO?
NO ONE TO UNDERSTAND
No one that cares
By Marlena
Copyright © 6/24/1998 By--Database Design
Unlimited
All Rights Reserved
Who Am I though?
I am a Mother to the most beautiful child in the
world, without whom my life would be empty and have no meaning
I am a wife to the most compassionate, loving,
caring, sensitive man in the world who is always there for me
I am a daughter to the two most wonderful parents
there could ever be who always showed love to me and for that I am
eternally grateful
I am a sister to two brothers and a sister, all
whom I love dearly
Who Am I though?
I am an aunt to the greatest bunch of kids there
could be
I am friend to those near and far, some
I can only hope to meet one day
I am best friends to a very caring special person
who always manages to brighten my day
I am a patient to one of the finest therapists
there ever was and who has helped me more then words can say
Who Am I though?
I am the person who people are always asking “how
to” do this or that
I am someone who always makes time to listen to
problems others have
I am a strong, intelligent, caring woman who is
learning to live
I am the voice for those who have not found there
own voices yet
I am independent, self-sufficient but yet need
others around me
Who Am I though?
I am someone who can acknowledge that bad things
happened in my life but that I can go on from here and thrive not just
survive
I am someone who has learned that I am only human
and cant be all things all the time
By Marlena
Copyright © 6/24/1999 By--Database Design
Unlimited
All Rights Reserved
Confused
Did this really happen
how could a child
become a toy that
is hurt and abused
or was I just confused
Shadows of feelings
lurking in my heart and soul
holding on to them so
tight never let them go
Craving the release that
pain brings with it
slow stroke of the
blade and relief
flows over in waves
By Amy
alone, in this place
far away...
longing for someone
to come, stay.
hoping for daylight,
fearing this night.
praying for sleep.
tired of the fight.
wishing for relief
pain takes me apart...
begging for release...
its breaking my heart.
By Rachel
Naive
How can it be?
I'm falling fast.
Losing ground,
I've fought so
long.
Denying the anger,
building inside
me.
Hiding the pain.
Hoping you wont
see.
How could I be so
naive?
To think you really
cared?
How could I be
so blind?
Believing it was
love we shared
By Rachel
Never Enough
Its not enough to
love someone,
or to be caught
before the fall.
Its not enough
to have good friends,
when you think
you've lost it all..
Its not enough
to dream.
Its not enough
to share.
Its not enough
to be alive.
When inside you
just don't care.
Its not enough
to follow.
There was a time
you lead.
Its not enough
to carry on,
When inside you
feel so dead.
By Rachel
Numb
I wish I
could hate you.
And
turn you away.
I wish I could punish you
for behaving this way.
But hate is not in me
and anger wont come.
Its guilt that I feel
When I'm not feeling numb.
By Rachel
An unexpected turn in the road..
Does it signal journey's end?
And unexpected betrayal in life..
we say good bye to a friend..
an unexpected tear falls...
we fight as hard as we can
an unspeakable urge calls..
we take the bait...we're there again.
follow me, try to understand...
come with me this is where i am
come with me just take my hand.
By Rachel
Masquerade
Pretending to be happy.
When inside I feel so cold.
A masquerade,
I've got to act,
to please all my fans.
When the show is over,
the crowd has gone home.
I'm alone again, cold.
No one to pretend for,
but I've won another round.
Its the anger inside me,
that pushes me on.
The best revenge is happiness,
I'm happy so it seems...
Inside I'm scared.
The show goes on.
I don't know how to stop this,
I've forgotten who I am.
By Rachel
Haven
The sun who once warmed us,
Is now far too bright.
We hide in the daytime,
emerging only at night.
The darkness is our haven,
The moon gently
lights our skies,
The sandman is our only friend...
Providing cover for our lies.
By Rachel
In the prayers of a child..
He heard her dreams...
He knew her secret...
He knew her pain.
In the prayers of this child..
He heard her beg..
He knew the truth..
He knew her shame..
In the prayers of a child..
twelve years later,
she looks for the answers...
and its He who she blames.
By Rachel
A little
girl lost in play...
didn't see it
coming
a secret dark
and angry
too cruel for
her small heart..
She fought but
couldn't stay..
Couldn't stop
the darkness...
a world so cold
and empty
too grown for
her small mind.
She played in
this forever night..
Was years before
she knew..
The world grew
up without her...
it was time to
fight again..
A grown adult
lost in life
didn't see her
coming.
A little girl,
who'd come to cry..
the tears had
been forgotten..
By Rachel
If only you knew
The pain inside my heart
To me it is nothing new
The shame and horror
Which lurks within my skin,
And hides the true nature I don't wish
to convey
There is a sadness inside
The very fabric of my soul
Which spreads like a cancerous growth
And there is no hope for a bright tomorrow
Knowing that I can't show this side of
me
I wish to hide
Within this persona I've created---
A faulse identity
To block away the pain and anger
I don't wish to show the world
For fear of rejection and unacceptance
Just because I wear a painful smile
And pretend to be happy for awhile
Or laugh a gentle laugh which ressembles
a distant murmer
Just because you see a twinkle
Within my sad brown eyes
is only a glimmer
Don't suppose my heart is merry
Or that my life is rosy
There is much more to me than meets the
eye
Still waters run steep
Probe within my soul, friend
You will be surprised
To see a heart that cannot sing
A merry tune of happiness
Or a soul that bleeds eternally
There is a secret that grows inside
Hidden forever in the realm of darkness
And yet I do wish ou would notice
And guess a wild and uneducated guess
As to the pain I feel inside
And the lie I've lived all my lifetime
Trying to conceal
I wish I could shout and squeal
The misery, shame, and terror
That spreads inside my inner being
And show the world my true essence
But I cannot, and so I wear this disquise
To hide the scars that still remain
That disfigures my face
And keeps me in a state of complete disgrace
I wish you can lift the veil
Of pain and shame
And finally be able to see my pain.
Only love and understanding
Can heal my broken spirit
Only love has the power
To lift this ugly mask of shame and sorrow
And cure me of this shameful malady
Which has stained my soul forever
In a lifetime veil of secrecy
Copyright M.G. Teddy 1998
((((Wonder Woman)))))
Am I suppose to break down and cry?
I am so confused, I wonder why?
Why can’t I ever feel the need
To break down and crumble when I feel so miserable inside
I just stand there pretending to be brave and strong
I set myself like flint and refuse myself to feel the pain;
This excruciatingly aching need
This overwhelming flood of tears and agony
Which drowns me with dispair
Is so hard for me to handle.....
So hard to express.
So I put on a protective shield
A superheroes’ suit of armor
And I refuse to feel
Just like the superheroes in movies who are invinsible and tough
Who inspite of a mirad of bullets still linger on...
And who stuns the world with their bravery...
Are they for real?
Am I for real?
Sometimes I wonder
If it is okay to break
If it is alright to shatter
Into a billion shards of glass
When the heartache
Is potent and severe
When my entire world collapses
And I am held captive by this overwhelming fear...
Is it alright to break down and cry
Or must I pretend that nothing’s wrong
And don this superwoman’s attire
Or fight a neverending battle of right vs wrong?
I fear losing control
For fear the world holds this view:
That I am a coward or a freak
So I don this invinsible mask and suit of brarvery
To hide the pain that marks me as frail and weak
But am I suppose to bleed
Is it alright to crumble
And show the world my weak side
And cry all through the night?
Even Superman is sensitive to cryptanite
It is alright to break sometimes
Even heroes falter
When life hurls them a mirad of bullets and deadly weapons
Even heroes can get hurt and die
They are just ordinary as us ordinary guys!
MG Teddy ©1998
What is Wrong With Marie?
What is wrong with Marie?
She is suppose to be cheerful,
She is suppose to be innocent and sweet
Now she is acting weird
Today Marie is rather strange;
She is suppose to be out
Laughing, playing, singing
Or dreaming and wanting to shout
Like any normal child her age....
Catching butterflies
On a sunny afternoon
Or fireflies in late June;
But Marie is acting rather distant these days
She is rather sad and quiet
Perhaps this is much more serious
Than I feared
Marie is acting rather weird
There is a distant gleam
Inside her sad brown eyes
Where there used to be a twinkle
In her eyes, now there is a certain dimness
That seemed not to be there before
What’s wrong with Marie?
Her cheeks which shamed the reddest rose
Now is rather pale
And her youthful glow
Which illuminated her soul with radiance
Is gone forever in darkness
All that remains of her happiness
Is a faint, distant revarie...
Her soul, once full of ageless beauty and innocence
Is now an empty well
Which is seventeen fathoms deep
She was always so carefree
She was always so loveable
She was always a trusting, innocent little girl
But now she is afraid of her own shadow
She doesn’t perform the simplest task
Before she used to glide effortlessly
Across her day
Like a ballerina, slim and graceful
Now in seems
That her world has stopped and is quite frozen
Her face seems to tell
A sad, sad, shameful tale
Of pain, misery, and grief
Yet she is afraid to tell her story
To a world who refuses to believe
What is wrong with Marie?
I am afraid to ask!
MG Teddy ©1998
Shadows
Darkness falls and shadows grow
children snuggle under their covers
feeling safe and secure
unaware of the terror yet to come
she hears his footsteps and softly cries to herself
for she knows what will happen
it has happened every night
he picks her up and begins to take a little
more of her innocence away
the child cries out and the shadow says
because I love you
Copyright ©amy 11/17/98
Pearl
Upon a mystic beach one day
A little boy found an ugly oyster
He looked at it with eyes of awe and of dismay
And took it to his mother
His mom, upon close examination said
Johnny, this is an oyster, son
Johnny looked upon the strange object in his hand
much in disqust he grimaced at its’ ugliness
"This oister is the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen!"
His mother laughed and smiled at Johnny
Then told her this parable
Son, once a man found an oyster upon a sandy beach
and thinking it was a strange and ugly fish indeed
Threw it back upon the sea
This poor oyster thought that nobody wanted him
So he sat upon the ocean’s bed
And cried his little eyes out till they were blue
As he cried and suffered in silence
he heard a lovely hymn
Of comfort, love, and praises....
The quiet Hymn of the Sea
As this homely little oyster lay there in agony
Something wonderful happened to him...
A marvellous alchemy
Inside of this poor oyster
Something valuable grew
Without his knowledge something of great beauty
Was growing out of this poor homely little fellow
Later some divers swam near the little oyster
"Go away! I am worthless to you! Nobody wants me!"
Said the oyster as he sat there wallowing in sorrow
The divers just opened up the oyster’s mouth and said,
"Hush, there, little critter, you are wrong...for inside you
Is a priceless jewel that is quiet exquisite and beautiful!"
So the homely little oyster smiled a wide and boundless smile
Inspite of all his outward ugliness,
Inside of him was something so beautiful and worthwhile!
So, Johnny, just because something or someone is ugly outside
Do not be prejudice or cruel
It so happens that true beauty
Lies within the framework of the soul
You must learn to pull differences apart
And look upon the great Pearl
That is in the heart....
For beauty is skin deep, my son
And it may take awhile
To see all the goodness
And priceless gems and pearls
that are hidden within the treasure chest of the heart!!!
MG Teddy©98
INTANGIBLE RAIN
Why can't the tide wash away my pain?
Why can't I see through this pouring rain?
Things get so difficult and seem so unreal
I can't figure out just how I should feel.
From all of this anxiety and confusion I cannot detatch
and the part of me I'm losing I can't seem to patch.
Yet, the more I hide behind this farce of stoic stealth
The more I feel I lose myself.
I need to find a stable rhyme and reason
One to whether all emotional seasons.
Though through wind and snow, hail and rain
I know I'll find myself again. -
(Spring 1992)
Shawna Tonto1772©1998
TRY TO RESIST
Waves of
lonely desperation fall over me like a dark blanket and in the
midst of
my
restless
sleep, I silently search for a direction.
A direction
in my unsettled soul,
Some way
in which I can take control over the futile waters that churn
around
me -
Devour
me.
Dreams
and visions wrap around my convictions and reality is lost to the
blinding
mask of
confusion.
Unbridled
anxiety runs wild with the voracity of a Tempest and through
the gallows
of my mind,
I'm being
chased by shadows I cannot catch -
Haunted
by feelings that I cannot connect.
The inexplicable
fears that wash me into stone give no warning, dedicate
no reason,
only trap me into tainted shades of gray
And though
everything seems do terribly out of place -
With every
waking moment ... I try to resist. -
(Fall 1994)
Shawna
Tonto1772©1998
EXISTENTIAL
CHAINS
In a world full of intelligent fools
Where ignorant denail defines the rules
A tender ego imprisions them in chains
And they never seem to realize just how coldly it rains
Outside themselves so few can see
But WE know that the blind are never free
So listen to the echoes but beware of the ghosts
Though we look toward the future ...
We fear the past most. -
(1994)
Shawna Tonto1772©1998
UNTITLED
The Wind blows around
me and I can feel it -
I can feel its texture,
its shape, its mood, and it calls to me.
It tells me to inhale,
to exhale, to breathe it in -
To take the time
to see the beauty in its subtle acceptance.
To wrap myself in
the secure blanket of its trust and believe in it until the day I
can find that very
belief in myself.
The intensity of
my heart continues to tear my head to shreads and no matter
what road I turn
to take, the cracks remain in the same places and still I trip.
I silently stare
at my tear-stained reflection in the mirror and as a stray tear drop
trickles to my lip;
its bitterness reminds me of a time I'd rather forget, a person
whom I'd rather
not see.
As I feel my mind
desperately spinning around my world, getting lost in a tangle
of emotions that
creation simply cannot explain ... I think of the Wind.
I take the time
to feel it and look for quiet acceptance in my uncertainty. -
(1996?)
FORGIVE ME FATHER
Forgive me "Father" for I may have sinned
And if you really exist, you should understand
Why I have taken such matters into my own hands
A bloodless release from this suffering of Man
It's just the only thing fair and I believe it's right
So forgive me "Father" and let me sleep tonight. -
(1993?)
Shawna Tonto1772©1998
TOGETHER - DAY BY DAY
Help me detngle my mind from these lurking inconsistancies
If we played hide-and-seek, I'll bet you couldn't find me.
And pay no attention to these noises in my head
They're just the restless echoes of all you haven't said.
Silent sanctuary is the reflex key to trapped frustration with no end
yet behind the smiles, beyond the miles, behind the lies, and behind your
eyes -
I know what shape you're in.
But with every burning, bittersweet your tired eyes have shed
And all of the roadblocks you have fallen to inside your own head.
You'll feel me beside you with every step of the way
I'll hold your hand, we'll find a way
To make sense of this crazy life, together -
Day by day. -
(Summer 1995)
Shawna Tonto1772©1998
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
I don't know what to do with all of these "things" that I feel
I can no longer express myself
I cannot understand myself.
I feel like I am spinning out of control, bobbing and weaving to avoid
the
obstacles that could take away all of these feelings
It's getting very dark in here
It's getting hard to breathe in here.
I am growing tired of questions without answers and torturous anxiety
without an apparent face
I want to stand up and break things
I want to fall down and cry.
I feel myself slipping away into the somber haven of my own
private sanctuary
I need you to reach out to me
I need you to pull me back.
I don't feel I hae a place anymore, my focus has become blurred
I want you to hold me
I want you to make it go away.
Though I am screaming inside, my voice has been silenced by an
irrepressible darkness ...
Can you hear me? -
(Nov. '98)
Shawna Tonto1772©1998
July 1998
The HATRED, The ANGER
All caused by YOU! You fucking bastard!
I HATE YOU!
You took advantage of a child
took away part of her life, her growing up years
made the life of an adult a living hell!
I learned from you ...
NOT to TRUST
it’s hard to develop a healthy relationship when you never trust anyone
to HIDE my feelings
if I hide them, no one ever knows how much I hurt
to PUSH those away, who I care about
easier to push them away than to chance being hurt.
I have gained the courage ...
to work through the pain, move on
to open up and talk about it
to find support and understanding in a few.
It is taking longer for me ...
to be OPEN about my feelings,
first I have to learn to identify my feelings and trust them
to LEARN to trust those who care,
how do I learn to trust?
to ALLOW myself to ask for help,
I hate having to lean on others to get me through the tough times
to not PUSH those away that I care about,
I don’t want to be alone.
I HATE what you have done to me! I HATE your fucking guts!!
The HATRED and ANGER will never go away!
I will NEVER forgive you,
but I will learn to put it all in a safe place
where it can no longer overpower my life!
By Marsha
To Anyone Who Cares
To anyone who cares ...
I feel lost and alone.
To anyone who cares ...
I want someone to love.
To anyone who cares ...
I’m afraid of getting hurt.
To anyone who cares ...
I can’t take the pressures of life.
To anyone who cares ...
I’m not as strong as you think.
To anyone who cares ...
I have dreams I can’t reach.
To anyone who cares ...
Don’t let me push you away.
To anyone who cares ...
I need to know you are there.
To anyone who cares ...
Believe in me.
To anyone who cares ...
Help me live LIFE!!!
By Marsha
Born an innocent child
Unconditional love a gift
Yet denied
Somewhere along the way
The innocent child was lost
A childhood taken away
A child robbed of something precious
By an adult who only cared about himself
By "family" who was not there to protect
Unhappy at home
Did I turn to him
Because he was there for me
To escape the unhappiness at home
Did I make it easier for him because I needed someone
To love me! To make me feel like someone really cared!
I hate his fucking guts!
By Marsha
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME...
WITH SADNESS OR JOY?
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME...
GROWING AND HEALING,
OR JUST LOST AND ALONE?
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME...
STRONG AND ALIVE,
OR JUST MERELY TRYING TO SURVIVE?
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME...
HONEST AND REAL,
OR DENYING ALL THAT I FEEL?
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME...
REALLY SECURE,
OR JUST A SAD SCARED LITTLE GIRL?
WILL YOU REMEMBER ME...
STRIVING TO BE
ALL THAT GOD HAD WANTED FOR ME?
WHEN I AM GONE FROM THIS PLACE...
WILL REMEMBERING ME
BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE?
@1999 by JANICE
SILENT MISERY
HERE I AM
IN MY SILENT MISERY
HOPING AND PRAYING
SOMEONE WILL SEE
INTO THE DEEPEST PART OF ME.
SO MUCH DEVASTATION.
SO MUCH WRECKAGE,
SO MUCH SHAME,
TO MUCH UGLINESS,
TO MUCH BLAME.
HIDING DEEP INSIDE
IS WHERE I NEED TO BE.
HERE I AM
TRAPPED IN MY SILENT MISERY,
CAN`T LET ANYONE SEE
THE HORROR THAT IS ME.
IF THERE IS ANY HOPE
OF ANY LOVE,
OF ANY KINDNESS,
THEN I MUST ALWAYS BE
WHAT THEY EXPECT OF ME.
SO HERE I AM
IN MY SILENT MISERY
STILL HOPING SOMEONE
WILL DARE TO SEE
INTO THE DEEPEST PART OF ME.
@SEPTEMBER 1998
Janice
MY EYES
DO NOT LOOK TO DEEPLY
INTO MY EYES,
MY SOUL IS HIDING THERE
BURIED VERY DEEP INSIDE.
YOU WILL NOT WANT TO SEE
WHAT LIES BEYOND THESE EYES.
IT IS DARK AND VERY PAINFUL
FROM SO MUCH SHAME,
AND ENDLESS DAYS OF BLAME.
I WAS GIVEN ONLY PAIN AND HUMILIATION,
NEVER EVEN KNOWING THERE WAS ANYTHING MORE.
MY EYES MAY SEEM WARM AND INVITING,
BUT DO NOT BE DECEIVED,
FOR THERE IS NOTHING THERE WORTH FINDING
HIDING DEEP INSIDE OF ME.
MOST NEVER DARE TO GO THERE,
AND I KNOW THE REASON WHY.
THEY MUST ALREADY KNOW WHAT LIES
SO VERY DEEP INSIDE.
@Janice
WHERE DID TRUST GO
WHERE DID TRUST GO?
DID I GIVE IT UP
ALL TO WILLINGLY,
OR WAS IT TAKEN
AWAY FAR TO CARELESSLY?
IF I HAD KNOWN HOW
NEEDED THAT TRUST WOULD BE,
I WOULD HAVE LEFT
THIS WORLD SO LONG AGO,
FOR THERE IS NO
PLACE FOR ME.
WITHOUT TRUST, ACCESS
TO MY HEART
MUST ALWAYS BE DENIED.
HIDING WHAT I TRULY
FEEL DOWN SO DEEP INSIDE,
AND IN THE END ALL
WILL KNOW EVERY MUCH I LIED.
WHAT MUST GOD HAVE
THOUGHT
AS HE SAT UPON HIS
THRONE,
COULD HE HAVE PLANNED
FOR ME
TO LIVE MY LIFE
HURTING AND SO VERY MUCH ALONE?
PUSHING EVERYONE
AWAY,
WITH ALL MY FEARS
AND DOUBTS.
IS THERE ANYONE
WHO WILL STAY,
TO HELP ME FIGURE
SO MUCH OUT?
WILL I EVER FIND
THAT LOST AND MISSING PART,
OR IS IT BURIED
FOREVER SOMEWHERE IN MY HEART?
Janice
APRIL 27, 1999
My
Mother`s Hands
I looked at
my hands today and was surprised
to find my
mothers hands there in place of mine.
When or how
they got there I do not know.
My only prayer
is that my heart is still my own.
When my Mother
used these hands they were
never used
to offer comfort, but now that
they are mine
they offer comfort to anyone
who is in
need.
When my Mother
used these hands they knew
what the sting
of a slap across the face felt like,
They do not
now possess this knowledge for I have
never used
them in that way.
When my Mother
used these hands they never knew
the joy of
stroking a child's hair or holding a little hand.
When they
became mine, I gave these hands that
knowledge
and indescribable joy.
When my Mother
used these hands they were too
often used
to push a child away.
They are now
used to pull my children close
to my heart
each and every day.
When my Mother
used these hands they never
wiped away
a single tear, or cupped a little ones
face. These
hands must have been so sad to have
only been
allowed to be such a source of pain.
Prayers have
been answered for the heart did not
come with
the hands, and even though when I look
at these hands
and see my Mother I know these
hands will
no longer be used in the only way her
heart knew
how.
By Janice
June 29, 1999
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