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My Funny E-mail Page
My Collection of All Time Favorite Bumper Stickers:
This is NOT an abandoned vehicle!
Change is inevitable- except from a vending machine.
Beautify Texas- Put a Yankee on a bus!
Out of my mind- Back in 5 minutes!
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear!
If you take an IQ test, pray that the results don't come back negative!
Always remember that you are unique- just like everyone else!
COMPUTERS vs AUTO INDUSTRY
Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success. He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors. The comparison went like this: If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. (16,000km/hr) Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds (14 kilos) and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.In response to all this gloating, GM responds: Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Microsoft
Last month, when I was in Seattle, we went for a helicopter ride. While we were up, a dense fog settled over the area and we got lost. As we were puttering around, a building suddenly came out of the mist. The pilot flew up to the building, wrote a note asking "WHERE ARE WE" on some paper, and showed it to some people in the building. The people responded with a message of their own, which read "IN A HELICOPTER". Reading it, the pilot nodded wisely and we landed a few minutes later. After we got out, we asked the pilot how we knew were we where. "That had to be Microsoft," he replied, "because their response was technically correct, but absolutely useless"
LETTER TO HEAVEN
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100.When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:
Dear Lord,
Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Love,
Tommy
PUBLIC BATHROOM
Ways to Annoy the Person in the stall next to you...
_______________________________________________________________
Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
Drop a marble and say, "Oh darn! My glass eye!
Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Say, "Now how did that get there?"
Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
Fill up a large squirt bottle with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!"
Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"
Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your tushie.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall,adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Real Test Answers hope they are not your's
1. When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
2. For head cold: Use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
3. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
4. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
5. Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not stable in free state.
6. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin, Hydrogin is gin and water.
7. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.
8. H2O is hot water, CO2 is cold water.
9. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
10. The moon is a planet like Earth, only it is even deader.
11. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
12. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
13. Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
14. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five-a, e, i, o, and u.
15. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
16. The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.
17. The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
18. A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
19. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends toward the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and
nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
20. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
21. For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.
22. Equator: A managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
23. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
24. Liter: A nest of young puppies.
25. Magnet: Something you can find crawling over a dead cat.
26. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
27. Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
28. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
29. Respiration is composed of inspiration and then expectoration.
30. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
31. For a nosebleed: Put the nose lower than the body until the heart stops.
Business
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer." A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer." The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program, that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job." The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual". The dog looked at the manager calmly and said "Meow".
The Worlds Worst pickup lines
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going and going...
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGeorgeous.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I don't care for this song and surely wouldn't dance with you."
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me. I said you look fat in those pants."
Excuse me, do you have your phone number. I seemed to have lost mine.
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
Hey baby, I'm like American Express. You don't want to leave home without me.
Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams!
Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Girl: "Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore!"
Just call me milk; I'll do your body good.
Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.
O.J according to
Dr. Suess
I did not kill my lovely wife
I did not slash her with a knife
I did not bonk her on the head
I did not know that she was dead
I stayed at home that fateful night
I took a cab, then took a flight
The bag I had was just for me
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be!
When I came home I had a gash
My hand was cut from broken glass
I cut my hand on broken glass
A broken glass did cause that gash
I have nothing, nothing to hide
My friend took me for a ride
Did you take this persons life?
Did you do it with a knife
I did not do it with a knife
I did not, could not, kill my wife
I did not do this awful crime
I could not, would not, anytime
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above
I can not even wear that glove
I did not do it with a knife
I did not, could not, kill my wife
I did not do this awful crim
I could not, would not, anytime
And now that I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn
And to my family, whom I love
And now that I'm free...Give back my glove
THINGS WE CAN LEARN FROM A DOG...
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout... run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
How to be happy ;-)
Do one thing every day that scares you.
Sing. Sing in the Shower Sing on the Street.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss Of course between the teeth
Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.
Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.
Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.
Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.
Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.
Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get,the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard.
Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel. Travel a lot. Travel Passionately
Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
Enjoy Life
A few simple yet humorous jokes!!!
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
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Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
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A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
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A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
---
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
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Did you hear about the Buddist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
-----
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
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A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
-----
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book, the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
Current events Humor
From: Bill Gates <<billy.gate@microsoft.com>
To: greg.maffei@microsoft.com
Subject: WHAT!!!
"You bought what? You spent my $150 million on what? Don't you listen?
I said, "Snapple!
FUN THINGS TO DO WHEN DRIVING
1. Vary your vehicle's speed inversly with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks
like blood the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof.
Feel free to make it dance
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop.
20. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
21. Paint your car with occult symbols.
22. Keep at least five cats in your car.
23. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.
24. Stop and collect roadkill.
25. Stop and pray to roadkill.
26. Throw Spam.
27. Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
GOING DOWN HILL.........
This doctor took all the Psyco patients to a room and gave them all tall stools to sit. They he asked them to pretend that they are on a bicycle and to peddle (as part of his treatment). Well all started to peddle and pretend that they were really on a bicycle. But one of the patient just sat there doing nothing. The doc approached him and said why don't you peddle your bicycle like others, for which the guy said "Are you fucking stupid, I'm going downhill."
Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
IF YOU ARE OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE:
Please press 1 repeatedly
IF YOU ARE CO-DEPENDENT:
Please ask someone to press 2
IF YOU HAVE MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES:
Please press 3,4,5 and 6
IF YOU ARE PARANOID-DELUSIONAL:
We know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
IF YOU ARE SCHIZOPHRENIC:
Listen carefully - a little voice will tell you
which number to press
IF YOU ARE MANIC-DEPRESSIVE:
It doesn't matter which number you press. No
one will answer anyway.
Bear Grace
In the middle of a forest, there was a hunter who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to shoot the bear were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The hunter ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim. Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the hunter got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some *religion*!" The skies darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the hunter, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said, "Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
Golf
Sam was a preacher, but golf was his passion. It had rained every weekend for a month and he was dying to play a round. Sunday was the first sunny day in weeks. So he called his head deacon and told him an emergency had called him away. Church would have to be canceled. He realized he couldn't play at a local course -- someone might recognize him -- so he drove two counties away and teed up on a course he'd never played before. Meanwhile St. Peter was watching Sam from heaven. He called the angel on weekend duty and said, "I've got a preacher who canceled church to play golf. Come here and administer appropriate punishment." The angel appeared as Sam was teeing off on hole 4, a par 3. The ball lofted and landed precisely in the hole. "You gave him a hole-in-one?" Peter asked incredulously. "You call that punishment?" "Yes," the angel replied. "Who can he tell?
Food and Heaven
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man."Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Bizzare
Hello, and welcome to Bizarre!, proof once again that Darwin can't be wrong...
In Modesto, CA Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately failed to keep his hand in his pocket...
The Police Chief in Gold Hill, Oregon was fired this week after praying for a suspect she believed was possessed by the devil, and selling Mary Kay cosmetics out of her patrol car...
Diet tip of the week: Don't eat squirrel brains. The Lancet Medical Journal reports a link between human consumption of squirrel brains and a variant of Mad Cow disease... I guess they just expect me to starve...
Another day, another Elvis sighting. Officials at Ripley's Believe it or Not! Museum in Los Angeles reported that a pair of the King's "special briefs", valued at $1300, disappeared on August 17, the 20th anniversary of his death. A museum spokesman characterized the thief as "choosy", because "a pair of Madonna's panties were untouched"... now that IS a first...
A tourist at North Carolina beach died after the 8 foot hole he had dug in the sand collapsed on top of him. Daniel Jones was sitting in a beach chair at the bottom of the hole when the walls caved in... remind me again how we got to be the dominant species...
When Rae Bernard turned in his lottery ticket at a deli in Arlington, Virginia, the store owner took the ticket and told Bernard he had "won a free play". A few days later, Bernard realized he'd won more than that-- $6.8 million more. The deli owner is facing 20 years in prison...
At $2 billion, the B-2 Stealth bomber is the most advanced aircraft in the world. Just don't get it wet. According to recent Air Force tests, the B-2 loses much of its ability to evade radar detection when exposed to such "severe climatic conditions" as water and humidity... hey, whaddya want for 2 billion?...
Our Mail-order Product of the Week Award goes to the Right to Die Society of Canada, which is offering a do it yourself home suicide kit. For $40, they will deliver your "Exit Bag" kit, which includes a "sturdy clear plastic sack the size of a garbage bag, a soft elastic neckband and Velcro fasteners to ensure a snug fit", and detailed instructions for use... hey, if you really need detailed instructions, I'll loan you the 40 bucks...
J.Z. Knight, a "psychic channel" for a 30,000 year old spirit named Ramtha, has successfully sued a Berlin woman in the Austrian Supreme Court for channeling the same spirit, and leaving Knight in "spiritual limbo"...
Postmaster General Marvin Runyon said Monday the U.S. Postal Service "may earn another billion dollars in net income this year," making 1997 the third straight year for such profits... the only problem is that the check is in the mail...
Police in Alexandria, Egypt have arrested a head nurse who said she just "wanted to enjoy some peace and quiet during her working hours." Aida Nur Eddin is charged with killing at least 18 hospital patients with sleeping pills...
It took a court order from a federal judge, but Bad Frog Beer has finally been outlawed in New York State. The state Liquor Authority apparently objects to the label, which depicts a frog making an obscene hand gesture, along with the slogan "Flip the Bird, Get a Frog." According to Attorney General Dennis Vacco, "Children and their parents in grocery stores should not be subjected to an obscene frog giving them the finger"...
That's Bizarre!, and remember, it's all true...
Travel for less
Three Engineers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks and MBA. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer. They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three Englineers cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference , the MBAs decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment , the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer. When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a bathroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
SO YOU THINK YOU'RE COMPUTER-ILLITERATE?
Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.
AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that his system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnosis the problem, it was discovered that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with a Xeroxed copies of the floppies.
A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.
Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to FAX anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the customer was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell technician suggested he go to the local Egghead, "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."
This story from a Novell Net Wire Sys Op:
caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is."
caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within the warranty period. How do I get it fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say cup holder?"
caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get the cup holder? Does it have a trademark on it?"
caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has "4X" on it." At this point the Tech Rep. had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-Rom as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive!
A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.
An exasperated caller to Dell Company Technical Support couldn't get her new Dell computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.
Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn't work. She said the unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"
Think about this....................
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.
Here is an interesting one...
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinaited by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerens.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names compromise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
To cap it all off, Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
Van Gogh Family Tree:
After much carefull research -- It has been discovered that the artist Van Gogh had many relatives-- among them were:
His obnoxious brother Please Gogh
The brother who ate prunes Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convience store Stop & Gogh
The grand father from Yugoslavia U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white Hue Gogh
His dizzy aunt Verti Gogh
The cousin from Illinois Chica Gogh
His magician uncle Where Diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin Amee Gogh
Another Mexican cousin Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stagecoach Wells Far Gogh
The constipated uncle Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle Flamin Gogh
His nephew psycho-analyst E Gogh
The fruit-loving cousin Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking Way to Gogh
The little nephew Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco Go Gogh
His Italian uncle Day Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van Winnie Bay Gogh
Now, it's time to Gogh!
News release..!!
The Police station in Traverse City, Michigan was broken into last night. The thieves stole all of the toilets from the building!!
The Police department said today, they had nothing to go on.......
Boing!!!
This man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge black frying pan. **Boing!!**
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pant's pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit sheepish. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. **Boing!!**
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called."
Southern Sayings
The Atlanta School Board, sensing that Oakland is about to cash in with the "Gummit" by labelling Black slang as a language, "Ebonics," has decided to pursue some of that endless taxpayer money pipeline through Washington by designating Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the
Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."
BAHS - noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
TARRED - adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or
combat.
ARE - pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that
bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."
SEED - verb, past tense.
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"
HEAVY DEW - phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious
enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to
court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm
fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had
just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just
answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'".
Farmer Joe
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer
and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks
after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a
fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's
answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I
had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the
highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and
Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the
scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to
her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between
the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand
and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to
shoot her."
"How are you feeling?"
YOU MIGHT JUST BE A REDNECK IF:
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
You own a home that is mobile and five cars that aren't.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You burn your front yard rather than mow it.
Your wife has ever said,"Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.
The Salvation Army Rejects your mattress.
You refer to the time you won a case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
Your grandmother has ever been ejected from a Bingo game because of her language.
Someone asks,"where's your bowling bag?" and you answer,"She's at home with the kids."
When describing your kids, you use the phrase "dumb as a brick."
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
The most common phrase heard in your house is, "Someone go jiggle the handle."
You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
You own a pair of cut-offs made from double-knit pants.
The Home Shopping Network operator recognizes your voice.
You have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.
You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to school for "Show and Tell."
Your baby's first words were, "Attention K-Mart shoppers."
In an effort to cut down on your cholesterol, you start eating Spam Lite.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
The following are a few samples of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school
(Most probably from people who failed the first four times)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Children
There once was a husband and wife couple who, trying as hard as they could, were unable to produce little children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.
"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning a stay in Rome, and while I am visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.
Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time - 15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."
And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States. While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago.
Upon arriving at the residence of the two troubled people who sought his council years previously, he rang the doorbell. Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air!
Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a dozen children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.
"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"
"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.
"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.
She hesitated, sobbed, and finally blurted out,
"TO BLOW OUT THAT DARN CANDLE YOU LIT!"
Draw a Pig
On a blank piece of paper draw a pig. Then scroll down and read the interpretation of your pig!!
Draw your pig first! And don't look at the next part until you are done! It won't be fun if you look first.
*******************************************************
The pig serves as a useful test of the personality traits of the drawer.
If the pig is drawn:
Toward the top of the paper : you are positive and optimistic.
Toward the middle : you are a realist.
Toward the bottom : you are pessimistic, and have a tendency to behave negatively.
Facing left : you believe in tradition, are friendly, and remember dates (birthdays,etc.)
Facing right : you are innovative and active, but don't have a strong sense of family, nor do you remember dates.
Facing front (looking at you): you are direct, enjoy playing devil's advocate and neither fear nor avoid discussions.
With many details : you are analytical, cautious, and distrutful.
With few details : you are emotional and naive, you care little for details and are a risk-taker.
With less than 4 legs showing: you are insecure or are living through a period of major change.
With 4 legs showing : you are secure, stubborn, and stick to your ideals.
The size of the ears indicates how good a listener you are.
The length of the tail indicates the quality of relationships with the opposite sex.
Same Old Lunch
An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too." Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican open his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death also. At the funeral - The Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He makes his own lunch!"
The Hobo
A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porche you got there. It's a BMW.".
Smile
A man walks into his doctor's office complaining of trouble sleeping. The doctor asks the man to describe the problems he's been having.The man begins, "When I lay down I see visions of Mickey Mouse and Pluto. When I sit up I see visions of Goofy and Donald Duck. What's the matter with me, Doc?"The doctor scratches his head and looks at the young man. He replies, "Let me ask you one more question: How long have you been having these Disney spells?"
Proceed with caution
John worked hard his whole life, and a few years before he was ready to retire, he decided to buy some acreage on the edge of the rain forest, since he loved animals and nature. He built a big beautiful home with a balcony all around on the second floor to give him the beautiful view and serenity that he has been seeking for so long. He thought to himself, "When I retire, this is where I will live out my last days, with no one around, no phones, TV or newspapers, only my computer so I can e-mail my friends back home."The day finally came around and he retired. He moved out to his land next to the rain forest. One day he was relaxing out on the balcony, when he looked up and saw this giant Ape sitting up in a tree watching him. He was frustrated and thought to himself "I moved out here so no one could bother me, and now I have this Ape watching my every move. He e-mailed the animal control center and wrote "There is this big ape up in a tree staring at me and watching my every move. Can you come and do something about it?" The control officer e-mailed him back "It will take me two days to get there, but I will come as fast as I can". A couple of days passed and suddenly appeared a four wheel drive vehicle coming up to his home. John enthusiastically went out to meet the officer from animal control. The officer jumped out and starts unloading. First an immense coil of rope, then a fierce looking dog and finally a shot gun. He handed the shot gun to the man and said "I will climb that tree and shake the ape out, and when he hits the ground, this police attack dog, who was raised from a puppy by commandos, is trained to get him by the groin and hang on while I tie up the ape. John, concerned that they may kill the ape asked "What is the shot gun for". The animal control officer replied "If while shaking the tree, I fall out before the ape, shoot the dog."
Help!!!
Passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit. Both appear to be blind: The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers as he stumbles down the center aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both are wearing huge sunglasses. At first the passengers chuckle, thinking this must be some sort of joke. But after a few minutes, the engines start revving and the plane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking to the flight attendants for reassurance. The plane starts accelerating and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer to the end of the runway, the voices become more and more hysterical. When the plane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the voices and everyone starts to scream. Seconds later, the plane lifts off and is airborne. Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
Silly Trivia
AMUSING IRRELEVANT FACTS
In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.
About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.
An average person laughs about 15 times a day.
Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.
Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.
The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.
A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.
A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.
"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.
In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.
Every person has a unique tongue print.
Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.
Women's hearts beat faster than men's.
Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.
Bubble gum contains rubber.
You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.
Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.
Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.
Most American car horns honk in the key of F.
The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.
In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.
A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.
About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.
It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.
Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.
Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.
Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.
Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.
There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.
Most lipstick contains fish scales.
Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.
Mosquitoes have teeth.
Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.
Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.
The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.
When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.
Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.
In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.
Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."
Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)
Cookies Anyone!!!
This is supposed to be a true story.....You will have to read it to believe it...
My daughter and I had finished a salad at the Neiman-Marcus cafe in Dallas and decided to have a small dessert. Because both of us are such cookie lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman Marcus Cookie". It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown "I'm afraid not." "Well" I said, "would you let me buy the recipe?" With a cute smile, she said "YES". I asked how much and she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!" I said with approval, "just add it to my tab." Thirty days later, I received my VISA statement from Neiman-Marcusand it was $285.00. I looked again and remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00." That's outrageous!!! I called Neiman's accounting department and told them that the waitress said it was "two-fifty", which clearly does not mean "two-hundred and fifty dollars" by any POSSIBLE interpretation of the phrase. Neiman Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe and we absolutely will not refund your money at this point." I explained to her the criminal statutes which govern fraud in Texas. I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the States Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, we don't give a &%*$, and we're not refunding your money. I waited a moment thinking of how I could get even, or even try to get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250.00, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from Neiman-Marcus...for free." She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well you should have thought of that before you ripped me off," and slammed down the phone on her.
So here it is!!! Please, please, please pass it on to EVERYONE you can possibly think of. I paid $250.00 dollars for this...I don't want Neiman-Marcus to ever get another penny off of this recipe.
(Recipe may be halved):
2 cups butter
4 cups flour
2 tsps baking soda
2 cups granulated sugar
2 cups brown sugar
5 cups blended oatmeal (measure oatmeal and blend in blender to a
fine powder)
24 ounces chocolate chips
1 tsp salt
1 8ounce Hershey bar (grated)
4 eggs
2 tsp baking powder
3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
2 tsp vanilla
Cream the butter and both sugars. Add eggs and vanilla; mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda. Add chocolate chips, Hershey bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet. Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.
Makes 112 cookies.
Strange But True
DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
DEADHEADS
A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.
THIS WOULD BE ME
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.
LEARN YOUR LESSON
When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a school teacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."
AHH, THAT'S BETTER!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.
Get ready to Laugh!!!
Why is Soldiers' Field the safest place to be in a tornado?
Because there will never be a TOUCH-DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Teachers gifts
On a special Teachers' Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florists son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is, some flower." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it and said, "I bet I can guess what it is, a box of candy." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held it overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No" the boy replied. The teacher repeated the process, touching another drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No" . Once again the teacher tasted the leakage and finally said, "I give up, what is it?" The boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
The Bears
Papa and Mama Bear were divorcing. In court, the judge asked Baby Bear if he wanted to live with Papa Bear. Baby B. said, "No, Papa B. beats me!" "So," said the judge, "do you want to live with Mama B.?" Baby B. said, "No, Mama Bear beats me." Asked the judge, "Who do you want to live with?" Baby B. answered, "The Chicago Bears -- they never beat anyone."
Bill, Hillary, and Al
Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
DOUGH BOY DIES
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.....
ha ha ha ha ha
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded to the last hotel manager, "Or just a bed--I don't really care where. I’m completely exhausted”
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and I’m sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.
"Never better." John said.
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time."
"How'd you manage that?"
"He was already in bed, snoring away. when I came in the room,"John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Good night, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."
What a rumor!!!
Rumor has it that the following was a page put on the McDonnell Douglas Internet home page by a worker with a sense of humor.
AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES
Important! Important!
Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase.
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified
First Name Initial
Last Name
Password
Code Name
Latitude Longitude Altitude
2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?
_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified
3. Date of purchase: Month: Day: Year:
4. Serial Number:
5. Please check where this product was purchased:
_Received as gift/aid package
_Catalog showroom
_Sleazy arms broker
_Mail order
_Discount store
_Government surplus
_Classified
6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
_Heard loud noise, looked up
_Store display
_Espionage
_Recommended by friend/relative/ally
_Political lobbying by manufacturer
_Was attacked by one
7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
_Style/appearance
_Kickback/bribe
_Recommended by salesperson
_Speed/maneuverability
_Comfort/convenience
_McDonnell Douglas reputation
_Advanced Weapons Systems
_Price/value
_Backroom politics
_Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:
_North America
_Central/South America
_Aircraft carrier
_Europe
_Middle East
_Africa
_Asia/Far East
_Misc. Third World countries
_Classified
9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
Product Own Intend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all that apply:
_Communist/Socialist
_Terrorist
_Crazed
_Neutral
_Democratic
_Dictatorship
_Corrupt
_Primitive/Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
_Cash
_Suitcases of cocaine
_Oil revenues
_Deficit spending
_Personal check
_Credit card
_Ransom money
_Traveler's check
12. Occupation You Your Spouse
Homemaker
Sales/marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle management
Eccentric billionaire
Defense Minister/general
Retired
Student
13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating ona regular basis:
Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/sailing
Sabotage
Running/jogging
Propaganda/disinformation
Destabilization/overthrow
Default on loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black market/smuggling
Collectibles/collections
Watching sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/torture
Household pets
Crushing rebellions
Espionage/reconnaissance
Fashion clothing
Border disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction
Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future--as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.
Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis
THOUGHTS FOR LIFE
The greatest handicap.................................FEAR
The best day...............................................TODAY
The easiest thing to do...............................FIND FAULT
Most useless asset......................................PRIDE
The greatest mistake..................................GIVING UP
The greatest stumbling block.....................EGOTISM
The greatest comfort..................................WORK WELL DONE
The Most Disagreeable person...................THE COMPLAINER
The worst Bankruptcy................................LOSS OF ENTHUSIASM
The greatest need......................................COMMON SENSE
The meanest feeling..................................REGRET ANOTHER'S SUCCESS
The best gift..............................................FORGIVENESS
The greatest knowledge............................GOD
The greatest thing in the world.................LOVE
You should smile!!! :-)
She smiled at a sorrowful stranger.The smile seemed to make him feel better.He remembered past kindnesses of a past friend and wrote him back a thankyou letter.The friend was so pleased with the Thank-you that he left a large tip after lunch.The waitress,surprised by the size of the tip,bet the whole thing on hunch.The next day she picked up her winnings,and gave part to a man on the street.The man on the street was grateful,for 2 days he'd had nothing to eat.After he finished his dinner,he left for his small dingy room.(He didn't know at the time that he might be facing his doom.)On the way he picked up a shivering puppy and took him home to get warm.The puppy was very grateful to be in out of the storm.That night the house caught on fire and the puppy barked the alarm.He barked 'till he woke the whole household and saved everyone from harm.One of the boys he rescued grew up to be president.
All this because of a smile that hadn't costed one cent!
How to handle telemarketers
If you're like most people, and most people are, you
resent telemarketers calling you at home trying to sell
you something.
And it probably irritates you that they seem invariably to
call at dinner time. I used to wonder why they would do that,
knowing they were only irritating people who would then be less likely to buy what they're selling.
A friend of mine who once worked as a telemarketer explained it to me. "When do you expect us to call?" he said. "At 2 in the afternoon, when nobody's home?"
That would be nice. But I guess it wouldn't be too profitable.
Anyway, since they seem to be a fact of life these days, I thought I'd make the best of it and try to have a little fun with them. At first, I would just let them go through their entire spiel, then say,"I'm sorry, I'm hard of hearing. Would you repeat that?" I'd do that several times until they finally caught on and hung up. One of them got really irritated after repeating his pitch three times and snapped,
"You're just wasting my time."
"I guess that makes us even," I said.
But that got old after a while. Besides, it took too long.
And in addition to that, my telemarketer friend told me that a lot of the folks who do this for a living can't do anything else. So I felt kind of bad for wasting their time.
(OK, I didn't feel REAL bad, but I stopped doing it.)
So that's how I stumbled upon a new hobby. It's fun, entertaining, and
it's an exercise in thinking quickly. Here's what you do. Whenever a
telemarketer calls, try to come up, on the spot, with a spiel of your
own that will disarm the caller and, if possible, maybe even entertain
him or her a bit.
The following are genuine examples. (And, as Dave Barry says, I swear
I am not making these up.)
The phone rings.
"Hello, is this Michael Owen?"
Yes.
"Hello, Mr. Owen, my name is Brenda and I'm with MCI. How are you today?"
Fine, and you?
"I'm fine, Mr. Owen. Does anyone in your home make long-distance telephone calls?"
No.
"No one?"
Nope.
"Well, do you receive a lot of collect calls?"
No.
"Not many?"
Nope. None.
"You don't make ANY long distance calls or receive ANY collect calls?"
No, m'am. You see, I belong to the Seventh-Day B'nai Antioch church, and my religion strictly forbids me from using the telephone at all.
(pause)
"Uh, Mr. Owen, you're using the phone right now."
(pause)
OH MY LORD! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE! OH MY LORD!
Click.
You get the idea?
"Hello, this is Christi with Rollin' Hills photography studio. Would you be interested in a free family portrait?"
No, thank you.
"Not even for free?"
No, ma'am. You see, my brother is a staff photographer for National Geographic, and he does all our portraits for us for free.
"Really? That's nice."
Yes m'am, it is. Of course, we have to take off all our clothes and squat naked around a camp fire for him to do it -- so you can imagine what our Christmas cards look like -- but hey, they're free.
Click.
"Hello, is this Mike Owen?"
Yep.
"Mr. Owen, I am authorized to offer you a week's stay at a fabulous resort if you and your fami ..."
Not interested, thank you.
"Mr. Owen, it's free, if you and your ..."
'Scuse me, sir, but you see, my Uncle Horatio Hilton owns all the Hilton
Hotels in the United States.
(I swear to God he then said:)
"So ... uh, I guess you get a discount, huh?"
Yeah.
Click.
"Hello, is this Mr. Owen?"
Yo.
"How would you like to make big bucks in your spare time?"
No thanks, I'm rich as hell.
Click.
REDNECK DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION
Last name: ________________
(Check appropriate box)
First name: First name:
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Bobby-Joe-Jim-Bob [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Bobby-Jo [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Billy-Jack
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Lover's Name: __________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom
____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know
Time to smile
Q. Why does a dog wag his tail?
A. Because no one else with wag it for him.
Q. Why are movie stars so cool?
A. Because they have lots of fans.
Q. What didn't Adam and Eve have that everyone else has had?
A. Parents
Q. Who has more fun when you tickle a mule?
A. He may enjoy it, but you'll get a bigger kick out of it.
Q. What did one firecracker say to the other firecracker?
A. "May pops bigger then your pop".
Q. Did you hear the story about the piece of butter?
A. Never mind. I don't want to spread it around.
Truth is stranger than Fiction
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions ACTUALLY asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"
10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"
11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"
13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"
15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."
19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy."
20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."
22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."
Something to think about.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
The Energizer Bunny was arrested & charged with battery
If you can't convince them, confuse them
Death is hereditary
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out
Dyslexics of the world - untie!
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film
There's no future in time travel
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives
How does Teflon stick to the pan?
Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand
There's an exception to every rule, except this one
I was going to procrastinate, but I put it off
Polynesia - memory loss in parrots
A good pun is it's own reword
I used to be indecisive - now I'm not sure
I'm writing a book - I've got the page numbers done
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
To err is human, to moo bovine
Instructions on How To Write A Paper
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it our of the way so you can concentrate.
8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
9. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and that's it. I mean
it, as soon as it's over, you are going to start that paper.
10. Listen to the other side.
11. Rearrange all of your cds into alphabetical order.
12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
13. Sit in a straight, comfortale chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon, is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions:
a) Pro Bowler's Tour
b) any movie starring Don Ameche.
c) Barney and friends
16. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
17. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching Discuss the finer points of the plot.
18. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
19. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is
20. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
21.Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
22.Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencil.
23. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.
24. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
25. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
26. Leap up and write the paper.
27. Type the paper.
28. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the darn paper.
An Honest Lawyer
There was a very rich old gentleman, Bert, with a terminal illness. Shortly before his death, Bert called his three closest friends together: a doctor, a priest and a lawyer by profession. He gave them each $100,000 in cash and asked them to place it in his coffin when he died as he wanted to take something with him. A short time later, Bert passed on and the three old friends stood around reminiscing and discussing their old pal. The doctor said "I have a confession to make. I've got this public clinic where I volunteer a few days a week that is always in trouble, so I kept $25,000 of the money and gave it to the clinic in Bert's name and put the rest in the casket." The priest also chimed in "Well, I also have a confession to make. I've got this children's home that the church finances and the heater went out last week, so I kept $50,000 of the money to help update the house and we renamed it for Bert so I actually only put half the money in his casket." The lawyer just shook his head at his two friends. "I'm ashamed of you both," he said "I wrote Bert a check for the entire $100,000."
A few funny quotes
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is." --Ellen DeGeneres
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." --Bobcat Goldthwait
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait." --A. Whitney Brown
"I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget." --Michael McShane
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." --Jim Carrey
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' " --Paula Poundstone
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."--Conan O'Brien
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." --Sue Murphy
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron Richards
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else." --Lily Tomlin
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?" --Rita Rudner
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I already missed it. They're just rubbing it in." --Yakov Smirnoff
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her." --Ellen DeGeneres
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."--David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology."--Jay Leno
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' " --Larry Miller
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." --Garry Shandling
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific." --Lily Tomlin
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez
"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast." --Johnathan Katz
"Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?" --Lily Tomlin
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld
Let me see an ID... do not read if you are a blond
A young blonde girl was anxious to go into a bar for the first time, and decided to try sneaking in before she was of legal age. When asked her age at the door she said she was 21. When asked for ID, she produced her drivers license showing she was only 20. She left the bar still wanting to go in more than anything. So she had a fake ID made showing her age as 21. The next day she returned to the bar, and the same guy was working at the door. She proudly produced her new ID and asked to go in. "Weren't you here yesterday trying to get in?" asked the bouncer.
"No", replied the young girl. "That was my twin sister. She's a year younger than me."
Babies
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets."
"Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down.
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the
Four Seasons Hotel."
After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy,who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consiousness.
When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again.
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up
"I should have never taken that job at 7-Up...
Uh Oh!!!
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a childs whispered, "Hello?". Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes." whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No.". Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes.", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he is busy." whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman." came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper." answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They are looking for me!"
Top 83 Signs You Have A Drinking Problem
1 You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
2 You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth
3 Job interfering with your drinking.
4 Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
5 Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusettes.
6 The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
7 Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
8 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
9 Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
10 "Norm!" is what they say when you enter the bar.
11 When you can focus better with one eye closed
12 The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar
13 Every woman you see has an exact twin.
14 You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
15 If you keep asking your wife "where are the kids?", but you don't really have a wife and you're talking to the refridgerator.
16 You fall off the floor.
17 You discover in the morning liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
18 Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
19 Had "Spuds McKenzie" tattoo removed, replaced it with "Red Dog."
20 Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
21 Beer: it's not just for breakfast anymore.
22 The glass keeps missing your mouth.
23 Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
24 When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof?
25 Vampires get woozy after bitting you.
26 The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
27 At AA meeting you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
28 Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
29 When vomiting becomes a relief.
30 Having a hard time staying on the side walk - left, right, stumble, fall
31 You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
32 Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
33 You think, Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
34 Every night you're beginning to find your roomate's cat more attractive.
35 Hi ocifer. I'm not under the affluence of incohol.
36 Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
37 No ocifer, I'm not drunk... you're just sober...
38 Problem? I Drink, I get Drunk, I Fall down....No Problem
39 If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
40 Take me drunk, I'm home!
41 The bottle's empty...that's the problem!
42 Find yourself as the captain for the Exxon Valdez.
43 You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
44 Roseanne looks good.
45 Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
46 You drink to get over a hangover.
47 That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
48 You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver's liscense.
49 The Whisky Ain't Working Anymore.
50 Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
51 You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
52 I'm as jober as a sudge!
53 You consider yourself a workaholic, becuase every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
54 I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
55 Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
56 Newt Gingrich.... he's soooo sexy.
57 You find yourself in a room on a train arriving in Tiajuana and the
last thing you remember is being in a bar in NYC!
58 Your name is Ted Kennedy.
59 You wake up in Korea in August and the last thing you remember is the Fourth of July party in Waikiki.
60 Red dog upside down looks like batman eating a catwoman.
61 You've fallen and you can't/(don't want to) get up.
62 You don't drink. (That's a problem!)
63 when hangovers become an attractive alternative lifestyle.
64 BeerTender! Get me another Bar!
65 Boris Yeltsin tries to get you to join AA.
66 The shrubbery's drunk from frequent watering.
67 Do you <your name> take this woman.....
68 You wake up too groggy to come up with anything funny for this damn list.
69 You realize you have shaved your head except for a little rat tail hanging from the top and you're pestering people to buy incense & crap.
70 Your only friends are Jack, Johnnie, and Jose.
71 Double vision so much the norm, you can't function w/o it.
72 You listen to the radio and start dancing to hootie and the blowfish.
73 Because you're not as think you are drunk I am...
74 Salt, sugar, grease, carbohydrates - yes, alcohol is the fifth food group.
75 Your favorite drink is ethanol.
76 Why does everybody think I have a prinking droblem?!
77 You can't remember what your family looks like... or if you have a family.
78 You wake up surrounded by 50 dented cases of SPAM.
79 You like SPAM.
80 You get defensive when someone asks if you have drinking problem.
81 Haven't stopped drinking since Carter got elected.
82 I don't have a drinking prob..pleb..prub.. <hic> Pash me another, tarbender.
83 You spend a whole night holding up walls to prevent their (your) collapse.
Santa Meets Science Fact:
I. There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per house hold, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
II. Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second --- 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
III. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them --- Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).
IV. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance --- this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to centrifugal forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of goo.
V. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.
THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS - What Really Happened
December 14, 1972
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
==============================================
December 15, 1972
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
==============================================
December 16, 1972
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
===============================================
December 17, 1972
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
===============================================
December 18, 1972
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
===============================================
December 19, 1972
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
==============================================
December 20, 1972
John:
What's with you and these crazy birds?? Seven swans a swimming? What kind of joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervouswreck. It's not funny. So enough with the birds, OK?
Sincerely,
Agnes
==============================================
December 21, 1972
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What on earth am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Please stop.
Agnes
================================================
December 22, 1972
Hey Creep:
What are you? Some kind of lunatic? Now there's nine pipers piping. It would help if they at least played the same song. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
================================================
December 23, 1972
You Jerk:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. This is getting ridiculous. They've broken most of my valuables and ripped up all of my carpeting because they couldn't spin properly. There are feathers everywhere and I think I'm allergic. On top of that the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
=================================================
December 24, 1972
Listen idiot:
My house is trashed and twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by eleven lords leaping on them. It's like a moshpit, and the dancing ladies are threatening to sue. The police have been by and they seem to think this is all my fault. What did I do to deserve this? I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
=================================================
December 25, 1972
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.!!!!With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Law Offices
Talk about a Hard Test!!!
This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chemistry final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However they had so much fun that they overslept till Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said: (95 points) Which tire?
The Good Wife
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. after his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. he said, "your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." "each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. for lunch make him a nutritious meal. for dinner prepare an especialy nice meal for him. don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. and most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. if you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, i think your husband will regain his health completely." on the way home, the hsband asked his wife, " what did the doctor say?" "you're going to die," she replied.
Merry Christmas From Your Attorney
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse. A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams. Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.) Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the animal co- conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.) The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that theVehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination. However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
Respectfully Submitted, s./
The Grinch
Drinking to much coffee?
Surgeon General's Warning:
Top 10 Signs You Are Drinking Too Much Coffee
10. You start stealing coffee from work
9. You declare bankruptcy because of inability to settle your tab with Juan Valdez
8. You begin to think that decaf means without milk
7. Starbucks names a coffee after your first born child
6. You suffer anxiety over the size of your mug
5. Your blood type is almond espresso
4. You can no longer blink
3. You can't wait for the new "injectable" Folgers to hit store shelves
2. You can thread your sewing machine while it is running
1. You alone account for 10% of the GNP of Columbia
Spelling Words That Are On Your Next Test
20 Words That Don't Exist, But Ought To
1. ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
2. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
3. AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from (a) having to suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting her(him)self in the eye (or ear or nose).
4. BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.
5. BUZZACKS (buz' aks) n. People in phone marts who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dial tones even when they know the phones are not connected.
6. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
7. DIMP (dimp) n. A person who insults you in a cheap department store by asking, "Do you work here?"
8. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
9. ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.
10. EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
11. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
12. ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
13. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
14. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the `illegal' side.
15. NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.
16. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
17. PETROPHOBIC (pet ro fob' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a household pet.
18. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
19. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
20. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
A 2 YEAR OLD TODDLER'S PROPERTY LAWS
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9. If I... Oops! I'm sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I've been typing in Bill Gates' Primary Business Plan...
Help!!!
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote,
"I'M DROWNING!!!"
Some Great Excuses
I'd love to but...
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
My plot to take over the world is thickening.
I have to fulfill my potential.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
Something Silly
One for you.... One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell his story. Little Joey raises his hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Joey replies: "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Heather. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched" ...teacher asks Heather for the moral of the story... Heather replied, "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched". Last is little Johnny ... "My Aunt Debbie fought in the Desert Storm war. Her plane was shot down over enemy territory - she jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down she drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, she lands in the middle of 100 Iraqian soldiers. She shot 70 with her machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so she pulled out her machete and killed 20 more. The blade on her machete broke, so she killed the last ten with her bare hands." Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story...Johnny replies, "Yeah, don't mess with Aunt Debbie when she's been drinking."
The Top Sixteen World's Shortest Books
16. Al Gore: The Wild Years
15. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
14. America's Most Popular Lawyers
13. Career Opportunities for History Majors
12. Detroit - A Travel Guide
11. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
10. Easy UNIX
9. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
8. Everything Women Know About Men
7. Everything Men Know About Women
6. French Hospitality
5. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
4. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
3. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
2. The Amish Phone Book And the number one
World's Shortest Book:
1. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion
Top Six reasons computers must be female...
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as: "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
And the Number 1 reason computers must be female:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Grandpa's Girl
Pappy was a pleasant-looking old fellow. He had the whitest hair which he kept neatly cut and combed. His eyes were blue, though faded with age, and they seemed to emit a warmth from within. His face was quite drawn, but when he smiled, even his wrinkles seemed to soften and smile with him. He had a talent for whistling and did so happily each day as he dusted and swept his pawnshop; even so, he had a secret sadness, but everyone who knew him respected and adored him. Most of Pappy's customers returned for their goods, and he did not do much business, but he did not mind. To him, the shop was not a livelihood as much as a welcome pastime. There was a room in the back of his shop where he spent time tinkering with a menagerie of his own precious items. He referred to this back room as "memory hall." In it were pocket watches, clocks, and electric trains. There were miniature steam engines and antique toys made of wood, tin, or cast iron, and there were various other obsolete trinkets as well. Spending time in memory hall delighted him as he recalled many treasured moments from his past. He handled each item with care, and sometimes he would close his eyes and pause to relive a sweet, simple childhood memory. One day, Pappy was working to his heart's content reassembling an old railroad lantern. As he worked, he whistled the melody of a railroad tune and reminisced about his own past as a switchman. It was a typical day at the shop. Outside, the sun illuminated the clear sky, and a slight wind passed through the front screen door. Whenever the weather was this nice, Pappy kept the inner door open. He enjoyed the fresh air--almost as much as the distinctive smell of antiques and old engine oil. As he was polishing his newly restored lantern, he heard the tinkling of his bell on the shop door. The bell, which produced a uniquely charming resound, had been in Pappy's family for over a hundred years. He cherished it dearly and enjoyed sharing its song with all who came to his shop. Although the bell hung on the inside of the main door, Pappy had strung a wire to the screen door so that it would ring whether the inner door was open or not. Prompted by the bell, he left memory hall to greet his customer. At first, he did not see her. Her shiny, soft curls barely topped the counter. "And how can I help you, little lady?" Pappy's voice was jovial. "Hello, sir." The little girl spoke almost in a whisper. She was dainty. Bashful. Innocent. She looked at Pappy with her big brown eyes, then slowly scanned the room in search of something special. Shyly she told him, "I'd like to buy a present, sir." "Well, let's see," Pappy said, "who is this present for?" "My grandpa. It's for my grandpa. But I don't know what to get." Pappy began to make suggestions. "How about a pocket watch? It's in good condition. I fixed it myself," he said proudly. The little girl didn't answer. She had walked to the doorway and put her smalll hand on the door. She wiggled the door gently to ring the bell. Pappy's face seemed to glow as he saw her smiling with excitement. "This is just right," the little girl bubbled. "Momma says grandpa loves music." Just then, Pappy's expression changed. Fearful of breaking the little girl's heart, he told her, "I'm sorry, missy. That's not for sale. Maybe your grandpa would like this little radio." The little girl looked at the radio, lowered her head, and sadly sighed, "No, I don't think so." In an effort to help her understand, Pappy told her the story of how the bell had been in his family for so many years, and that was why he didn't want to sell it. The little girl looked up at him, and with a giant tear in her eye, sweetly said, "I guess I understand. Thank you, anyway." Suddenly, Pappy thought of how the rest of the family was all gone now, except for his estranged daughter whom he had not seen in nearly a decade. Why not, he thought. Why not pass it on to someone who will share it with a loved one? God only knows where it will end up anyway. "Wait...little lady." Pappy spoke just as the little girl was going out the door--just as he was hearing his bell ring for the last time. "I've decided to sell the bell. Here's a hanky. Blow your nose." The little girl began to clap her hands. "Oh, thank you, sir. Grandpa will be so happy." "Okay, little lady. Okay." Pappy felt good about helping the child; he knew, however, he would miss the bell. "You must promise to take good care of the bell for your grandpa--and for me, too, okay?" He carefully placed the bell in a brown paper bag. "Oh, I promise," said the little girl. Then, she suddenly became very still and quiet. There was something she had forgotten to ask. She looked up at Pappy with great concern, and again almost in a whisper, asked, "How much will it cost?" "Well, let's see. How much have you got to spend?" Pappy asked with a grin. The child pulled a small coin purse from her pocket then reached up and empited two dollars and forty-seven cents onto the counter. After briefly questioning his own sanity, Pappy said, "Little lady, this is your lucky day. That bell costs exactly two dollars and forty-seven cents." * * * Later that evening as Pappy prepared to close up shop, he found himself thinking about his bell. Already he had decided not to put up another one. He thought about the child and wondered if her grandpa like his gift. Surely he would cherish anything from such a precious grandchild. At that moment, just as he was going to turn off the light in memory hall, Pappy thought he heard his bell. Again, he questioned his sanity; he turned toward the door, and there stood the little girl. She was ringing the bell and smiling sweetly. Pappy was puzzled as he strolled toward the small child. "What's this, little lady? Have you changed your mind?" "No," she grinned. "Momma says it's for you." Before Pappy had time to say another word, the child's mother stepped into the doorway, and choking back a tear, she gently said, "Hello, Dad."
?'s to think about
* If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter?
* If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
* If there is no god, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
* When a cow laughs, does milk come up its nose?
* How did a fool and his money get together?
* How do they get deer to cross at those yellow signs?
* If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
* What's another word for thesaurus?
* Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
* What do they use to ship styrofoam in?
* Why is there an expiration date on a sour cream container?
* Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
* How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Going to Church
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.
Deep thoughts
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, Probably because of something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions,' and if you got a different' impression,' so what, can't we all get along?
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words: "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a can of pop, I bet it makes the pop shoot out your nose.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it , and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.
During the middle ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
Grandpa
Grandpa and granddaugher were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" "Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" "Yes, He did," the older man answered.For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
Smile
What has three teeth and sixty feet? --- The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios? ---Oh look! Doughnut seeds!
An Honest Lawyer
There was a very rich old gentleman, Bert, with a terminal illness. Shortly before his death, Bert called his three closest friends together: a doctor, a priest and a lawyer by profession. He gave them each $100,000 in cash and asked them to place it in his coffin when he died as he wanted to take something with him. A short time later, Bert passed on and the three old friends stood around reminiscing and discussing their old pal. The doctor said "I have a confession to make. I've got this public clinic where I volunteer a few days a week that is always in trouble, so I kept $25,000 of the money and gave it to the clinic in Bert's name and put the rest in the casket."The priest also chimed in "Well, I also have a confession to make. I've got this children's home that the church finances and the heater went out last week, so I kept $50,000 of the money to help update the house and we renamed it for Bert so I actually only put half the money in his casket." The lawyer just shook his head at his two friends. "I'm ashamed of you both," he said "I wrote Bert a check for the entire $100,000."
Things I've learned
I've Learned ...
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. Age 6
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night". Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back. Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up. Age 12
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up. Age 13
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me. Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice. Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures. Age 25
I've learned that wherever I go, the worlds worst drivers have followed me there. Age 29
I've learned...that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it. Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it. Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little card. Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his need to cast blame on others. Age 45
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies. Age 46
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours. Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone. Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die. Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life. Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, try to improve your marriage. Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back. Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you. Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision. Age 66
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer. Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the truth, I've seen several. Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. Age 92
Is there a Surgeons in the House
5 surgeons are taking a coffee break.
1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd responds: "Try electricians, man! Everything inside THEM is color coded."
4th interjects: "I like engineers... they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."
To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest. There's no guts, no heart, no spine, and their head and tushies are interchangeable."
Things to do in an elevator\
Things to do when you're stuck in an elevator
Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu (edited)
1.Ask people on the elevator if they've seen the first part of the movie Speed. 2.Push all the floor buttons. At every floor, get out, look around, mutter, "Looks okay so far," and get back in. 3.Put notices in the elevators that read "Last Inspection: Passed. Next Inspection Due: Jan 87" 4.Use physics to determine how fast the elevator will be going if it free-falls from the top floor. 5.Countdown "5...4...3...2...1" and then suddenly duck. 6.Get on the elevator at the top floor and ask, "Going down?" 7.Keep muttering, "I hope it doesn't happen again..." 8.Have a friend with you, but act like he's a complete stranger. After a while, turn to him and say, "Wanna trade?" Then promptly trade wallets. 9.Replace the 3 on the third floor button with the Greek letter pi. 10.Put on a crash helnet, and take one of those mini-trampolines into an elevator. Stand on the trampoline, then say to a friend holding the emergency phone, "Ok, Dave, I'm ready. Let 'er RIP!" (This doesn't quite make sense, but hey, you can't have everything.) 11.Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!" 12.Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off. 13.When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves. 14.Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral. 15.Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose. 16.Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope. 17.Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body." 18.Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers. 19.Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?" 20.Enter the elevator with a friend and have your friend say "I'll take your case but why'd you shoot the guy?" Respond with, "'Cause he kept lookin' at the back of my head." (From AC Salzer) 21.Put on a ski mask, tap the shoulder of the guy in front of you, and politely ask, "Hey. do you know how to unjam a pistol?
Quote of the Year!!
Science fiction author Ray Bradbury to Bill Gates
when Gates asked Bradbury about his computer needs...
"Bill, I don't do Windows."
POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct? His workers no longer would answer to "Elves", "Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves. And labor conditions at the north pole Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society. And equal employment had made it quite clear That Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid! The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the cops When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops. Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened. His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened." And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows, Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation. So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife, Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life, Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms. And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her. Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot. Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise. Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys. Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific. No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth. And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden, Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden. For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt. Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next. He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today. His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found. Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right. A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision, Each group of people, every religion; Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere...even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth..."May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
The LIMO
The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.
Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. Well he gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM !, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.
He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."
The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says," "No, even more important." The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it ?"
The trooper replys "No, even more important."
"It's isn't the President is it?"
"No, more important", replies the trooper.
"Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
"I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"
THE NEW PRIEST
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of wine next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So, the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
Sip the wine, don't gulp.
There are 10 commandments, not 12.
There are 12 disciples, not 10
Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
David slew Goliath, he did not kick the poop out of him.
When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his "ass."
We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah G-d"
Marketing Mixups
Coors Beer translated its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure.
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious "dirty" magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), theshirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Hazardous Materials Information System
MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET
WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis
ELEMENT: WOMAN
SYMBOL: WO
DISCOVERER: ADAM
ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Surface usually covered with painted film.
2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter if incorrectly used.
5. Found in various states ranging from virgin to common ore.
6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
1. Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.
4. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES:
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
TESTS:
1. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
HAZARDS:
1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Illegal to possess more than one.
The Internet Explained
Q. What, exactly, is the Internet?
A. The Internet is a worldwide network of university, government,
business, and private computer systems.
Q. Who runs it?
A. A 13-year-old named Jason.
Q. How can I get on the Internet?
A. The easiest way is to sign up with one of the popular commercial"on-line" services, such as Prodigy, CompuServe, or America Online, which will give you their program disks for free. Or, if you just leave your house unlocked, they'll sneak in some night and install their programs on your computer when you're sleeping. They really want your business.
Q. What are the benefits of these services? A. The major benefit is that they all have simple, "user-friendly" interfaces that enable you-even if you have no previous computer experience-to provide the on-line services with the information they need to automatically put monthly charges on your credit card bill forever.
Q. What if I die?
A. They don't care.
Q. Can't I cancel my account?
A. Of course! You can cancel your account at anytime.
Q. How?
A. Nobody has ever been able to find out. Some of us have been trying for ears to cancel our on-line service accounts, but no matter what we do, the charges keep appearing on our bills. We're thinking of entering the Federal Witness Protection Program.
Q. What if I have children?
A. You'll want an anesthetic, because it really hurts.
Q. No, I mean: What if my children also use my Internet account?
A. You should just sign your house and major internal organs over to the on-line service right now.
Q. Aside from running up charges, what else can I do once I'm connected to an on-line service?
A. Millions of things! An incredible array of things! No end of things!
Q. Like what?
A. You can ... ummmm ... OK! I have one! You can chat.
Q. Chat?
A. Chat.
Q. I can already chat. I chat with my friends.
A. Yes, but on the Internet, which connects millions of people all over the entire globe, you can chat with total strangers, many of whom are boring and stupid!
Q. Sounds great! How does it work?
A. Well, first you decide which type of area you wish to chat in. Some areas are just for general chatting, and some are for specific interest groups, such as Teens, Poets, Cat Lovers, Religious People, Gays, Gay Teens Who Read Religious Poetry to Cats, and of course Guys Having Pointless Arguments About Sports. At any given moment, an area can contain anywhere from two to dozens of people, who use clever fake names such as "ByteMe2" so nobody will know their real identities.
Q. What are their real identities?
A. They represent an incredible range of people, people of all ages, in all kinds of fascinating fields from scientists to singers, from writers to wranglers, from actors to athletes - you could be talking to almost anybody on the Internet!
Q. Really?
A. No. You re almost always talking hormone-crazed 13-year-old boys.
Q. What do people talk about in chat areas? A. Most chat-area discussions revolve around the fascinating topic of who is entering and leaving the chat area. A secondary, but equally fascinating, topic is where everybody lives.
To give you an idea of how scintillating the repartee can be, here's a re-creation of a typical chat area dialogue (do not read this scintillating repartee while operating heavy machinery):
LilBrisket: Hi everybody
Wazootyman: Hi LilBrisket
Toadster: Hi Bris
Lungftook: Hi B
LilBrisket: What's going on?
Toadster: Not much
Lungftook: Pretty quiet
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: Anybody here from Texas?
LilBrisket: No
Toadster: Nope
Lungftook: Sorry
(LONGISH PAUSE)
UBob: Hi everybody
Toadster: Hi UBob
Lungftook: Hi U
LilBrisket: Hi UB
Wazootyman: Hi U
UBob: What's happening?
LilBrisket: Kinda slow
Toadster: Same old same old
Lungflook: Pretty quiet
Jason56243837: LilBrisket, take off your panties
LilBrisket: OK, but I'm a man!
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Wazootyman: UBob, are you from Texas?
UBob: No.
(LONGISH PAUSE)
Lungftook: Well, gotta run.
Toadster.- 'bye, Lungflook
LilBrisket: Take 'er easy, Lungster
Wazootyman: See ya around, Lung
UBob: So long, L
And so it goes in the chat areas, hour after riveting hour, where the ideas flow fast and furious, and at any moment you could learn some fascinating nugget of global-network information, such as whether or not PolypMaster comes from Texas.
Q. Aside from chatting, what else can I do on the Internet? A. You can join one of the thousands of forums wherein people, by posting messages, discuss political topics of the day.
Q. Like what?
A. Barry Manilow.
Q. There's a forum for Barry Manilow?
A. There's a forum for everything.
Q. What happens on these forums?
A. Well, on the Barry Manilow forum, for example, fans post messages about
how much they love Barry Manilow, and other fans respond by posting messages about how much they love Barry Manilow, too. And then sometimes the forum is invaded by people posting messages about how much they hate Barry Manilow, which in turn leads to angry countermessages and vicious name-calling that can go on for months.
Q. Just like junior high school!
A. But even more pointless.
Q. What is the "World Wide Web"?
A. The World Wide Web is the multimedia version of the Internet, where you can get not only text but also pictures and sounds on a semi-infinite range of topics. This information is stored on "Web pages," which are maintained by companies, institutions, and individuals. Using special software, you can navigate to these pages and read, look at, or listen to all kinds of cool stuff.
Q. Wow! How can I get on the Web?
A. It's easy! Suppose you're interested in buying a boat from an Australian company that has a Web page featuring pictures and specifications of its various models. All you have to do is fire up your World Wide Web software and type in the company's Web page address, which will probably be an intuitive, easy-to-remember string of characters like this:
http//:wwwfweemer-twirple.com/heppledork/sockitomesockitomefee##$.fle/fo/fum
Q. What if I type one single character wrong?
A. You will launch U.S. nuclear missiles against Norway. Q. Ah.
A. But assuming you type in the correct address, you merely press Enter, and there you are!
Q. Where?
A. Sitting in front of your computer waiting for something to happen. It could take weeks. Entire new continents can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary to what you may have heard, the Internet does not operate at the speed of light; it operates at the speed of the Department of Motor Vehicles.. It might be quicker for you to just go over to Australia and look at the boats in person.
Q. Does that mean that the World Wide Web is useless?
A. Heck no! If you're willing to be patient, you'll find that you can utilize the vast resources of the Web to waste time in ways that you never before dreamed possible.
Q. For example?
A. For example, recently I was messing around with a "Web browser," which is a kind of software that lets you search all of cyberspace - millions of documents for references to a specific word or group of words. You can find pretty much everything that anybody has ever written on the Internet about that topic; it's an incredibly powerful research tool.
Q. That is truly beautiful.
A. Yes. And it's just one teensy little piece, one infinitesimally tiny fraction, of the gigantic, pulsating, mutating, multiplying mass of stuff out there on the Internet. Sooner or later, everything is going to be on there somewhere. You should be on there, too. Don't be afraid! Be like the bold explorer Christopher Columbus, (E-mail address: ChrisCol@nina,pinta&santamaria.ahoy) setting out into uncharted waters, fearful of what you might encounter, but also mindful of the old inspirational maritime saying: "If you don't leave the land, then you'll probably never have a chance to get scurvy and develop anemia, spongy gums, and bleeding from the mucous membranes."
So come on! join me and millions of others on this exciting CyberFrontier, with its limitless possibilities for the enhancement of knowledge and the betterment of the human race!
Wazootyman is waiting for you.
A Sign of The Times
Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts
Sign outside a radiator repair shop: Best Place in town to take a leak
Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action
On Maternity Room Door: "Push,Push,Push"
Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
Scientist's Door: Gone Fission
Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff
Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels
Butcher's window: Let me meat your needs
Sign on fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive"
Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet-miss a car payment
Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.
Hotel: "Help!" We need inn-experienced people
Auto Body Shop: May we have the next dents?
Dry Cleaners: Drop your pants here
Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
Music Teacher's Door: "Out Chopin"
Beauty Shop: Dye now!
Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got
Computer STore: "Out for a quick byte"
Restaurant Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
Music Library: Bach in a minuet.
Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.
The Diving Instructor
A story I heard about a pilot ground school got me thinking about my first skydiving instructor. During class he would take time to answer any of our stupid First Timer Questions.
One guy asked: "If our chute doesn't open.....and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have til we hit the ground?"
Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: "The rest of your life!"
Those classic Icons
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "ass icons"?
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular "nice" ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_._) a flat ass
(_^_) a bubble ass
(_*_) a sore ass
(_!__) a lop-sided ass
{_!_} a squishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_O_) and ass that's been around even more
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_o^o_) a wise ass
(_13_) an unlucky ass
And the favorite- (_?_) dumb ass!
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