Dungeons and Dragons -- one half star
Make your saving roll against "Crap;" you need to roll a natural twenty to avoid being alternately bored by this film's insipid banality and angered by its incompetence and cut-and-paste swipes from better movies (all of which you've seen before, by the way... how come crappy movies have to steal from the same top twenty movies of all time, rather than from lesser-known films?)
Is there comic relief? IS THERE EVER!! You have a black guy shucking and jiving and whose eyes virtually bug out when he's scared with a cry of "Feets don't fails me now!" You've got a very ugly dwarf with a very fake-looking red beard whose dialogue you can't understand, although he sounds a bit like a seedy Popeye, and who eats like a pig.
And the special effects! Why, there are guys walking around with bright purple and bright green face masks; they're supposed to be... I dunno, aliens from the Star Wars cantina, perhaps. Who knows? And then you have lots of footage shot in Prague... supposedly. As far as I can tell, all city exteriors are CGI. Bad CGI. Bad videogame CGI.
And at the end some dragons fight each other. There are Red Dragons, controlled by the Evil Wizard's Rod of Red Dragon Control, which is also called the Rod of Seville, and there are Gold Dragons, controlled by the Good Empress' Rod of Gold Dragon Control, which I THOUGHT was ALSO called the "Rod of Seville," or something, and I can't quite figure out how both people can control dragons since the whole plot involved getting the one rod that could control dragons... but then, I don't understand the whole middle of the film (the tenth minute to the hundredth minute), because it really makes no sense at all.
It's not that it's complicated. It's just really inept.
Did I mention that Jeremy Irons plays the Evil Wizard? Yuhp. He's in the film for, oh... six or seven minutes. About five or six days on the set.
Is he good?
IS HE EVER!!!
