Elizabeth:
Jesus, this movie sucked.
I mean, it blew big chunks.
(No. That's not the right tone. I sound like
Ace. Hmm. Try again.)
It is exceedingly rare for me to sit through a
movie and know--while I'm *in* the movie--that I hate it. Thirty
minutes into Elizabeth and I knew that this was the worst movie I
had seen all year. It offended me more, in its way, than
Godzilla.
Much of my ire is due to the fact that this
film has INEXPLICABLY been given a great buildup. For the life of
me I don't understand this. It's a historical costume drama with
no sense of history *or* drama. The acting is amateurish.
Geoffrey Rush alone spares himself total humiliation. I'm not
sure if he acquitted himself, but if asked for a pardon I might
grant it.
Elizabeth is the most recent instance of the
MTV-generation costume drama. It is assumed that no one will have
any clue about the history involved. But is the audience given
the benefit of the doubt and allowed to catch up? Does the
screenplay explain the situation at the beginning and then let it
unfold?
No. Problem is given, problem is reacted to,
problem is explained. There is no continuity, no structure. Just
create a moment out of whole cloth, show you the moment, give
everyone a chance to emote, move on.
Bad enough. But consider--this is Elizabethan
England (hence the name). The screenplay could focus on some
terrific problems. Yet with all of a very fascinating period to
focus on, they pick--Elizabeth's boyfriend, Robert Dudley, a
pouty pretty boy whose eyes are set far too close together. (I
dunno why, but this really bugged me. I had so little else to
focus on.) Who apparently betrays her because he loved her and
was upset he couldn't marry her. It's *tough* loving the Queen,
don't you see.
Elizabeth didn't give a shit about ruling
England, apparently. She just wanted to get laid by her boyfriend
and was upset because it turned out he was married. At that
point, well, sure. Maybe she *should* get married to the French
prince. He might be cute! But he dresses up as a girl, so she
can't marry *him*. But people are still not taking her seriously
as Queen! How to fix this? She must make herself ugly and sexless
so that no one would want her and she'll look capable of ruling
by herself.
This is the big feminist film for the year? A
new look at Elizabeth without sexist blinders? Thanks so much.
But the outfits are gorgeous. And no one has a
bad hair day. Except Mary of Guise, and I'm pretty sure she was
making a fashion statement.
At the end, the movie sees fit to tell us that
Elizabeth never married and ruled for 60 years more. I was
laughing, thinking, Jesus. No one is *that* idiotic.
And right in front of me a man in his fifties
said, wonderingly, "I'll be damned! She was Queen for that
long? And she never married?"
ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!
A few minor notes:
There is not even a nod towards historical
accuracy. Which I could forgive in a more interesting movie, but
was a huge irritant here.
But Pseudo got one thing wrong. Mary of Guise
is assassinated in the movie, not Mary of Scotland, who is
mentioned often but does not make an appearance. Mary of Scotland
would have been in her early teens during the time this movie had
pretensions of presenting.
Mary of Guise was not assassinated either, but
that's a different story. In fact, she was Mary of Scotland's
mother--still *another* story, and both of them are more
interesting than the non-story used in Elizabeth.
And to be fair, Kathy Burke, who played Mary
Tudor, was actually very good. I forgot about her, and I
shouldn't have. The reason I forgot about her is because they
spent the first fifteen minutes of the movie focusing on her
obsession with *not* letting the throne go to Elizabeth, a
Protestant and the whore's daughter. But then she dies and there
is no explanation as to why she changed her mind and is utterly
dismissed from the movie.
Another story that would have been more
interesting.
I've always felt sorry for Mary Tudor and
Burke's performance is excellent at invoking distaste and
sympathy in equal measures.
