It rivaled 2001 as the most tedious movie I have ever sat through.
I got into this zenlike state, though. Just sat and stared at the screen, not tracking a thing.
"What's all this big fight about? I can't see or hear a damn thing.No matter, it's over, they're all dead. Good. That must be the ring. There it goes, off to Gollum. I remember that.
Look, it's pretty and green now. Man, those are ugly feet on those hobbits. That's right, the ring makes Bilbo invisible. But he's leaving? I thought Bilbo went with the old--oh, it's not Bilbo in the three books, he's from The Hobbit. That's right, this is Frodo. Wow, those are evil looking horses. I didn't think horses came that badass. They must want Frodo, and Frodo must want company, because he takes all these other little hobbits with them, but how do you tell them apart? Loyal, Chubby, and Hungry, maybe. The horses find them but oh, there's a raft, run Frodo, run or the horse will eat you! Okay, they are at a different town. Now they'll wait for the old man.
Hey. That guy. At the table in the bar. Who the hell is he? He's cute. Wow. Very, very cute. Okay, now we're back with the old guy, who is fighting some other old guy. Nice to see Christopher Lee working. Now the old guy is on a tower. Now he's on a bird, or is he a bird? I can't tell. But he's probably not going to make it to the bar on time. Okay, we're back with the hobbits, who decided not to wait and there are those mean, ugly horses again. I didn't know horses could look that mean. The riders are-uh oh, one of them got Frodo! Look, there's the cute guy, he's going to help.
Oh, but that is a pretty white horse. Now they are riding and trying to catch the girl. Who is ridin....oh, it's those badass horses, must be the bad guys. Ride, ride. Now they are in an elf place. That guy, the Elf boss, he looks familiar. There's Bilbo--ACK! Oh. It's over. Man, they shouldn't scare me like that. What's that chain thing?
Hey, there's the cute guy again.This movie needs more of him. Hell with the damn hobbits. He must be somebody important in the story. This cranky dude is new, he's mad at the cute guy for some reason. Why is cute guy kissing the chick from the white horse, and why do they look so sad...oh, it's over. Whatever. Okay, something important must be happening--there's this whole big group and the leader of the Elves wants them to do something and he called them up on this hill so maybe they get pushed off if they say no. I've seen that leader before somewhere, who is he? There's the cute guy, the cranky guy, the old guy, the little guys, some burly guy with weird eyes and look, there's another elf. Hey, something must have happened. They all stand up. They are doing something! They are going somewhere! Hey, maybe something will happen now! It's only ninety minutes in."
Okay, the group is walking. Mountains. More mountains. Snow. Oh, there's the other old guy, he's making...people? Dead people? Ewww. If he can make them live, can't he make them attractive? Maybe make them look like the cute guy. Where is he, anyway?
Okay, we're back with the cute guy crew that said they were going somewhere; they're out of the mountains, under big rocks. They want in. Frodo figured it out. How come the old guy didn't know? I thought he was a wizard. Oh, that must be Gollum, from the book. Uh oh, that is one big ugly....what kind of monster is that, anyway? Hey, wait. Frodo can't be dead. I'm pretty sure he makes it to the third book. Oh, that weird chain thing of Bilbo's saved him.
Now there's many many ugly, little things chasing them. Were they there before? Stones, big stones, and they're crashing and breaking and it's the only way out, of course, because this is definitely that sort of movie. Jump. The old guy fell off a cliff--but last time, didn't he fly? How come he didn't fly this time? Oh well, he's gone. They're sad.
So they are at Elfland...but wait. I thought they already went to Elfland. Are there two Elflands? Who is this woman, and why do I care that she's bathed in bright light? Hey, the burly guy with the crossed eyes is John Rhys Davies! Took me a while to recognize him. Should have known the voice.
Now the cranky guy who's always mad at the cute guy is trying to kill Frodo--but he doesn't want to be a bad guy, he's fighting it and now ewww, those are those things that the other old guy made, and who are they after, anyway? Oh, the cranky guy is fighting them...Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. Ick. ICK! Oh come on, die already, this is terrible.
Frodo and the other little guy are leaving, are they supposed to do that? If they leave, are they taking the cute guy with them? If he's not not coming back, I'm leaving. Oh. The credits. Phew."
