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COMPUTERS vs AUTO INDUSTRY

Bill Gates wanted to look good and impress everyone with his success.
He decided to measure the accomplishments of Microsoft against General Motors.
The comparison went like this:
If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades,you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.
In response to all this goading, GM responds:
"Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?"

Top Five reasons computers must be female...

5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

From This Life To The Next ...

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said. "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location'".

JOB INTERVIEW

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

NO TITLE

After marrying a young filly, a ninety-year-old geezer told his doctor that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the Doctor. "An absent-minded fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella. Suddenly a bear charged him. Pointing his umbrella at the bear, he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed. "Somebody else must have shot that bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.

Surgery

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangable."

Irish Lady

I was in a bar the other night, and the most amazing thing happened...

the bar was sorta empty, but these two ladies sitting near me both were talking with Irish accents. One walks up to the other and says "I've noticed your accent, where are you from?"

2nd: "Well, I'm from Ireland of course!"

1st: "Me too! Where in Ireland?"

2nd: "Well, from Wallo county."

1st: "Wallo county? Me too! Where in Wallo county?"

2nd: "Well, I'm from this really small town called Bridgeside"

1st: "What a small world! Bridgeside! I'm from Bridgeside too! Where in Bridgeside?"

2nd: "Well, I grew up on this really small road on the north side of town," (the 1st lady is getting very excited) "called Lexon"

1st: "I can't believe it! Wow! Lexon! Wow!"

At this time one of the regulars walks into the bar and asks the bartender what's new. "Not much," replied the bartender, "just that the O'Rowden twins are drunk again."

A bus station is where the bus stops.

A train station is where the train stops.

On my desk, I have a workstation.

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
6. You carry an umbrella.
7. You watch the Weather Channel.
8. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
9. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
10. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
11. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
12. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
13. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
14. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
15. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
16 Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
17. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
18. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
19. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
20. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
21. a $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
22. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
23. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
24. I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again"
25. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
26. You don't get liquored up at home, to save money, before going to a bar.

What is marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a continental restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.

Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend. The woman replied, " A multi-millionaire".

Is there Baseball in Heaven?

Two great buddies, Tommy and Fred, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Tommy and Fred discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other something they always wanted to know: Is there baseball in heaven?

One summer night, Tommy passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Fred awoke to the sound of Tommy's voice from Glory.

"Tommy! Tommy, is that you?" Fred asked.

"Of course it me," Tommy replied.

"This is incredible!" Fred exclaimed. "OK. So I know why you're here. Tell me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is baseball in heaven, Fred."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night..."

Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs don't work:

20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"

And the Number One Reply by Programmers
when their programs don't work:

1. "It works on my machine."

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