Murali Nandigama's WebPage

Sparks in a Jar !

READ ONLY IF YOU HAVE TOLERANCE TO LISTEN TO HONEST, UN-HYPOCRATIC AND SOME TIMES RUDE VIEWS OF OTHERS AND ACCEPT OR REJECT THEM WITHOUT MAKING A BIG FUSS !!

Some of this I know is a repetition....but there are many less realized aspects too..so go on.

Certain facts --I'd dare to call them so out of my own not so vast but considerably large experience in this area-- were told boldly with elegant examples.

Of course there are issues/opinions I don't partly or fully agree with , nevertheless it makes an interesting reading and raises important questions for girls and guys to ponder on.

If  you are not particularly familiar with the Indian context of  society ... you might find some or many points in this collection as  "What the f... !!!"

0. Men: the misunderstood species

Let me start by telling you, what inspired me to write this piece. Many years back, when I was browsing through the books in the psychology section, I came across this book, titled, "Why men are the way they are". The author was Warren Farrell, about whom I had already heard. I picked up the book and scanned thru the sections. My enthusiasm was immediately aroused. The contents were refreshing. The book was not just about men. It was about men and women. It was about the age old misconceptions and misunderstood relations between them. And it was written in a way which was unprecedented and gave a brutal but absolutely honest picture of the way things were. (and still are).

I went home and started reading the book. I couldn't stop reading it! I was going with my friends on a road trip, and I took the book with me. I read it in the car and I read it in the motel where we stayed. And after I read the book, I read it again. Warren has blown the lid on a lot of issues with gusto.

For me the book was an experience. And I wanted to share the news with everybody. Most of my male friends listened, nodding their heads wisely, when it explained about how men really feel about relations and squirmed uncomfortably, when it explained the women's point of view. But I ran into a stone wall when I approached women.

One of the girls I knew openly ridiculed me for the fact I was reading the book. When I offered her to read the book, she said "I know everything about men", and walked away. Other girls were less overbearing, but conveyed a similar message. They were secure in the belief, that what they knew about men till then was all they needed to (wanted to?) know.

I started realizing slowly that, not all knowledge is wanted; people are higly selective about what they want to know. I knew that they have every right to feel so. But then I wondered, how can men or women think that they can live with their partners for more than half their life without caring to know how their partners really feel inside. And also, brilliant as the narrative was in Farrell's book, it had little to do with the idiosyncrasies of the Indian society.

I have always observed the curiosity women display when they are let into the 'little secrets' of men. I strongly felt the need of a first hand account of a man of what goes through his head when he encounters women in different circumstances. In short, I wanted to spill my guts out. The way I am most comfortable with. I believe that running away from truth is never the solution.

Even to compromise, we need to know what we are compromising about.

1. The Primary fantasies which rule our lives

Men and women each have their primary fantasies which govern the way they think, the way they behave. These fantasies eventually decide the path which they choose to meet their destiny.

What is a man's primary fantasy?

With no words minced, it is 'sexual access to as many beatiful women as possible'.

( Before you read too much into this, a word of caution. A man should not be judged by what he fantasizes about, but by how he exercises his control over his fantasies, and how he keeps his actions in sync with the principles he belives in.)

Though a man hates to admit, when he meets a woman, the first action he does is to 'size her up' sexually. Some men do this discreetly, and some don't. But the bottomline is they all evaluate a woman's merit to be a sexual partner.

In short as long as a man percieves that a woman can be made pregnant by him, he would consider her as a potential sex partner. Does this really make men the horrendous beasts they are thought to be by some women? Not necessarily. We still retain a part of our animal instincts.

So for that brief moment when a man initially encounters a woman, these instincts kick in. This is something about which a man doesn't have any control. But a man is still affected by the looks of a woman, more so by that woman who is available, suitable age-wise and otherwise. And women know it. Women don't spend a lot of efforts into getting decked up, without wanting a man to notice them.

More about that later. How is this primary fantasy shaped for an Indian Male, where the society is still conservative sexually? An Indian male knows about the reality that his fantasy will be just that; a fantasy. In India, for men or women, marriage is the primary means to get their sexual desires fulfilled.

So, an Indian male's modified primary fantasy becomes a wife, who for him would be, an uninhibited lover in bed, like a prostitute, and who for others would be, an image of womanliness, with the respect that would be commanded by a goddess.

All the leading ladies who ruled our silver screen confirmed to this image. The Madhuris and the Sridevis are no different. So when he chooses his wife through an arranged match or otherwise, it is this primary fantasy which decides the outcome.

Of course, different men will apply different standards when they go for their ultimate woman. And what are his means to achieve this fantasy? By being a good provider who would offer unconditional security of a family and finances till 'death do us apart'. By being a hero. By being an important public figure. By being a successful professional, like a doctor or a computer scientist or a business magnet. His career is his most important means of attaining his goal. So his whole life is shaped around him being successful career-wise.

A career which would make him a financial success. He might be a brilliant poet or a painter or a writer or an athlete or extremely handsome. But that is not enough if his chosen career doesn't make him rich. Women would appreciate his talents. But they wouldn't fall in love with him or marry him. They would like him to be a 'good friend' who is 'sensitive' to their feelings. So a man realizes soon that all his other deficiencies as a person would be neutralized if he can get hold of that one commodity, money. No wonder that he spends years in shaping his career but only a few weeks when he starts looking for a woman whom he would marry.

A good example is the Indian male in the U.S. who spends around a semester in preparing his resume but goes on a three week trip to India to get married. Looking at the other side of the mirror, what is a woman's primary fantasy? 'Financial security and a stable family for the rest of her life'

Not surprisingly an Indian woman's primary fantasy is not much different. And she prepares herself to achive this goal by exercising prudence.

In the Indian society a girl has a lot invested in her 'clean' image. Clean here means sexually pristine. So an Indian woman is more careful than her, say the American counterpart. Apart from trying to appear beautiful, she should also project herself as a good future house-wife, obedient and sexually innocent.

She knows that men would like to believe that she is in control of her sexual desires, exercises a rigorous regimen of proper sexual conduct, and preserves her virginity for the first man in her life, her husband. So she either confirms to that standards or even if she doesn't, she tries to perpetuate the myth.

She becomes an expert at innocent flirting with men.There are certain advantages associated with this. If she likes the man enough over a period of time, she can enter into a relationship with him. And if she doesn't she can always ward of his 'premature' advances by saying that 'she was just trying to be friends' and make the man guilty by saying, "You men are all the same. You are only interested in a woman for the sake of sex. Can't a man and a woman be just friends?"

As long as her image is clean she can alway convince people that he was the agressor. We still don't believe a man when he says that it is the woman who made the pass. Take for instance the way the Indian law feels about this. If a woman complains that a man has molested her, the police have the right to imprison the man without any warrant. Without listening to his version. This is the example of male powerlessness.

The fact that still many rapes go unreported is the example of female powerlessness. But the stress here is who is considered more credible when an accusation of sexual harassment is made -- the man or the woman.

And what are her means to achieve this fantasy? Her beauty and men who are good providers.

Everyone of you might remember the ad which ran for a long time on the television and radio for a product called 'Fair and Lovely'. The ad goes something like this. An eligible bachelor is going to be in town. He is looking for a woman who is 'fair and lovely'.
So our heroine, in this ad, achieves that by the unlimited use of the above said product. The would be groom likes her predictably. They both get married and ride off into the sunset.

Whether she keeps using the product after the marriage is a debatable question. The important issues this ad brings up is the insecurity a woman feels when she thinks she is not beautiful enough and the extent to which she can go to correct that discrepancy. The ad exploits this insecurity with finesse.

Thus we have flood of ads which encourage a woman to use their products which would enhance her good looks, like sarees, hair oils, lipsticks and other cosmetics. But no ad which exhorts a woman to develop her inner strengths like spirituality, sense of humor and other things which would make her desirable to a man.

The ad makers and the women both realize that women can't sell them to a man with these qualities. So she strives to look as sexually attractive as the society around her permits, and yet hold men at bay far enough so that the mystery and the sexual chemistry are still sustained. Eventually she hopes to marry that man who would fulfill her fantasy. For her, men are the means.

2. Primary fantasies continued

Why does most of the ads have a woman selling men's products? The subliminal message tells the man that if he uses the product, he will get the slim, beautiful and sexy woman who offers him the product alluringly.

If you wonder whether men are naive enough to buy a product because of this message, wonder no more. Without men financially supporting this thinking, there wouldn't be so many ads with beautiful women selling mens' products.

Why is understanding the primary fantasies of the sexes so important? It leads to a better insight for both men and women, when we understand how the other sex adapts to our fantasy.

The movies which we see, tell us a lot. In one of the Telugu movies 'agni pravESam', the heroine Yamuna viusalizes a dream sequence where she supposedly gets married to a guy, has children with him and leads a happy life. Interestingly, the man remains faceless. Here the heroine is enacting her primary fantasy namely security and family. The man can remain faceless as long as he turns out to be an able provider.

The movie 'Solvaa Saavan', has the female lead Sridevi going through a whole song, dreaming about the prince charming who is going to come from yonder and whisk her away. There are more examples where it is okay for the principal female character to dream about a happy secure future life without the male lead making an appearance.

But you find hardly a song where the hero dreams about a faceless woman who would later share a married life with him. For example, in the Telugu film, 'Ooha Sundari' an imaginary female, the woman, mind you a fictitious character, is there in life and blood. You obviously can't have a heroine dancing around without a face.

A woman does have alternative means to achieve her primary fantasy apart from men. She can achieve it through a career or a combination of both career and men.

Unfortunately, there are no other alternatives for men to achieve their primary fantasy apart from playing the role of a provider or better still, a hero. That is why there are a miniscule number of house-husbands.

It is true that men hold more jobs than women.It would appear that it is justified for a woman to marry a man who provides her with security and a family. The Sanskrit meaning of 'bharta', which is 'one who bears the burden' seems well in sync with this concept. So would a woman marry a sensitive & pleasant man whom she likes immensely when she is earning enough to take care of both of them? It doesn't seem to be the case.

Mostly she marries up, i.e. a man who has more financial power than her. Now she has more power with the combination of her career and beauty. What about doctor wives who earn more than their engineer husbands? Isn't that an anamoly? Not at all. Most of the engineers who have their wives as doctors reside in the States. The same case is an exception rather than a rule in India, where marrying an engineer doesn't get you a passport (read Green Card) to the promised land of riches. Men and women are equally responsible for this situation. Though the reverse is rare, there are Indian Male Doctors who marry a female who could 'get them over here'. (I have chosen medicine and engineering as the example professions in the above example because of the vast difference in income they bring about for the persons who pracitse them in the States. At least for now.)

Interestingly men are scorned the most in both the cases. People assume that the man is marrying the 'lady doctor' for money. But again, it is a man who is thought to be marrying for money when the case reverses, i.e. when he marries a woman who provides him with access to the potential medical market here,with her visa status. Girls walk away with most of the sympathy.

One girl I knew, said that she was very afraid of the fact that somebody would be marrying her probably for the 'Green Card'. She was also lacking in education. All the more reason for her to be 'afraid'. The people around her not only agreed with her vehemently, but also sympathized with her. Hers seemed to be a sorry state, not knowing who is marrying the real 'her'.

When she expressed the same fears to me, I suggested that she could get a professional degree she wanted, since it is easy for her to secure a student loan. I said it would provide her with a choice. She agreed with this logic; but said that it was too late for that now. She is already 23 and she cannot spend two or three more years now, to do that.Then she got married off to a guy, a doctor, who was struggling with his visa status (J-1). The guy was 29 and would be waiting 2 more years before he becomes a full fledged doctor. Just before the marriage, I asked her how much important money is to her. She immediately answered that just enough to provide her with 'roTee, kapDaa aur makaan'(Food, housing and shelter). So much for mixed messages!

(An interesting aside. There are male doctors who are already in the States and get married to a female engineer. Just think about how many female doctors who are already in the States would get married to a male engineer from India. Does the female in question fear the problems that would be caused by his male ego? Obviously she wouldn't if the case reverses, i.e., she in India, and he residing here.)

Ideally both sexes would like to 'have it all' a caring and sensitive partner who makes enough money, yet has the time to spend with the family an intellectual companion and a sexually brilliant person. Somebody who is sauve but not self-centered. But the real world forces compromises upon us. So the most important need becomes the bench mark in deciding the selection. For the girl above, it was financial security without having to work for it. And she got it. The system though is all binding. When I expressed some of these thoughts to my male friends, most of them seemed to be resigned to their fate. The most common responses were, 'That's life' and 'Things will remain the same'. A lot of frustration was expressed.

Can we change the system?

3. The all pervading system

Can we change the system? Or more importantly do we want the system to be changed? I assure you that, everybody would like it to change, from its present form. Men would like to get sex unconditionally from women. And women would like to worry less about how they look, and more about developing the other aspects of their personality. But a lot of them want it to change,without working for it.

Apparently a person who doesn't want to confirm should be able to keep his resolve and be willing to make sacrifices. But no person would do something, which is radically different from the the norm, unless he/she is sure of gaining a reward in the process. People like to have power. Men feel powerless in certain areas and women feel powerless in certain other areas. The important thing here is for both sexes to understand in which area the other sex feels powerless. Then men would understand why they feel so miserable at times, when they are supposedly having the power. And women would know that they are not the only oppressed sex.

Power has two components essentially: The external component which comprises of various things like political power money, success, material rewards like car and real estate. The internal component which comprises of self-worth, peace of mind, ability to 'let go', sexual satisfaction, physical health, attractiveness, intimacy and inter-personal contact. The more one concentrates on obtaining exteranl power, the more one is devoid of one's internal power. Both sexes are affected in their own ways. Warren says that "If you define power as control over our own lives then we can ask questions that illustrate the limitations of our traditional view of power.
Does a company president who has never known how to be intimate have power? Does a beautiful woman who marries a doctor have power, when she never discovers her own talents? Does her doctor husband have power when he is forever the slave of his beeper? Which of these people has control over his or her own life?"

Though both Indian men and women are powerless in their own areas, it is women who are more in touch with their feelings. Women know that they are not encouraged to have higher studies, work, and are financially dependent on men and they protest about it. There are a lot of men who feel guilty about the situation.

Similarily men can never hope to be house-husbands, pursue the things they like (but which are financially not rewarding) when someone provides security for them. But most men don't recognize that this is their area of powerlessness, let alone women.

There is the concept of a 'career woman'. But there is no concept of a 'career man'. The word career is in-built into a man's life.

For the system to change, there should be positive incentives. When men realize that women would love them more, when men become more sensitive, open, understanding and in the process earn less, there would be no reason for them not to do it. It is not that women don't want men to be more sensitive, open and understanding. But most of them are not willing to compromise on the money part.

A man hears a mixed message when his wife complains, that he is not spending enough time at home with her, and yet doesn't show any inclination to reduce her spending, so that he can work fewer hours, or better still, work a few hours herself so that they can keep enjoying the same standard of living.

He gets sucked into the 'Superman Syndrome'. He has to perform both externally and internally. No wonder that there are more Indian men with ulcers and heart diseases than women.

Similarily a man should not complain that he has not found his wife to be an ideal companion, when his first condition to have sex with her, or marry her, is her beauty. Just as a beautiful woman has less incentive to to be a well integrated woman, so does a plain looking woman more incentive to improve her other personality traits.

What if men and women don't want to change even when they understand this? A man may still decide to play the 'power game' and thus achive a part of his primary fantasy, sexual access to one beautiful woman. Similarily a woman may still continue using her beauty as a stepping stone to security. But at least they are making a concious choice then.
Can we change the system? May be not.

Can we individually change our attitude towards the traditional roles men and women play?

The answer is a resounding 'Yes'.

4. Why it takes courage to find your own mate ( from a man's point of view)

Most Indians would agree that loving and then living with that person is the best thing that can happen to anybody. But why don't you see it happening more often? The reasons are simple and discomforting. It is true that one of the vulgur reasons that marriages are arranged is to preserve the caste system. But it would be missing the point to think that the so called 'love marriages' invoke the wrath of the parents only because of the caste issue. It takes a lot of self-esteem and courage to stand for yourself.

Some of the truths are not very pleasant. Few people have the guts to do the soul searching needed. Self-esteem here is not just the confidence in one's own abilities, but also the wisdom to know that one is not perfect, one can make mistakes, and one must graciously accept the blame for one's mistakes.

The path for the Indian Male is ridden with difficulties, when he sets out to find a woman for him. To find the girl: There is no socially acceptable system in India yet for the aspiring singles to meet and date each other, except for the occassional discotheques and the pubs where young people flock.

So he has to summon the courage to take initiative and also to find the woman who suits him. The standards that this woman has to fulfill are a lot more, and different from those he looks in a woman, when the marriage is arranged. She should not be conservative at the minimum. And now that he has taken the risk to find a mate for himself, he definitely wants her to possess a lot of little extras, which he could never hope to find in an arranged marriage.

So as the range narrows down, the search becomes more difficult. 'Is it really love' syndrome: The man has to get close to a woman before he is sure that it is really love and not the harmones which have made him fall for her. Man always initially equates sexual desire with love. So he needs that extra time. But he finds it difficult to get close enough to know the woman, without committing to her.

That is why a ridiculously high number of men experience 'love at the first sight'. Love and marriage are a lot more nobler words than sex and 'getting to know each other'. It binds a man before he can proceed. The problem for men is the fear that they might end up marrying a woman whom they don't want to.

To clarify, they are afraid that if they get into a relationship with a woman, they may not be able to get out of it, even when they want to. The relationship should not start with a promise of commitment, it should come a long time after.

When a man sets out to find his mate himself, he wants to have open ended relationships with as many women as possible so he can choose the one he feels is the best for him. He gets frustrated, when he sees it not happening.

What is the point in trying to find a woman, when in order to know her enough to love her, he has to say those three words in the first few encounters, 'I love you'. He might as well go for the arranged marriage.

The 'Sex' factor:

Sex before marriage happens in India. But not under the best of the conditions. Not when the man and the woman do it as a passionate way of expressing affection.

It happens for a man either with a prostitute or with his girlfriend ( when most probably he says that he 'loves' her and 'promises to marry' her ).

Unfortunately the more a woman is closed to the idea of sex before marriage, the more she reinforces the man's concept that he can get sex only by promising commitment. For Indians, it means marriage.

As long as the promise of a marriage is needed to obtain sex, true love can never result. Uncomfortable sex of course will. The more number of women get duped in hands of men, the more women will believe that men are liars as far as commitment is concerned and only want sex from them. The more women believe this, the harder men have to try to get sex, and more promises they have to make. It is a vicious circle, if there ever was one.

It is not to say that sex should happen unconditionally. It should happen with equal conditions from both the sides. As long as money is involved, be it the money paid to a prostitute, be it the gift given to a lover, be it the security provided by marriage, it is always a different form of prostitution.

Along with the sexual revolution, the concept of a financially independent woman should also become a reality for the state of things to change

5. How many women are willing to take the initiative?

Just as Men have their own problems in finding their life-partners on their own, so do women. All the general things said about men apply here too. The self esteem which enables you to believe in yourself and the the courage to stand up and keep your chin up, when the whole world seems to be at odds with you. The important things which infulence a woman in her search for Mr. Right are the following.

Who is honest and who is not? :

When a man expresses interest in a woman, how does she know, whether his intentions are honorable? And what makes an intention honorable? According to most of the women, if a man is ready to be committed for life, then sex is a price which can be willingly paid. Otherwise it is not love, it is lust. The problem with this theory is it casts men into two extreme categories which is not true. Just because a man marries a woman, doesn't mean that he loves her. In fact, he might be marrying her because he realizes it is probably the only way to have a sexual relationship with her. So who is more honest? A man who admits that he likes the woman but not enough to marry her, but again is wiling to live together with her to test it out, or a man who 'proves' his 'love' for her by marrying her? Not many women would buy the former alternative. That is, living together and seeing whether the relationship would weather the test of time, lust or infatuation. There are many reasons offered by women for this. I'll discuss in my next article.

The chastity problem:

This is very closely related to the above issue, but merits a separate section on its own. To be considered as someone 'fit to marry', it is very important for a woman to preserve her sexual chastity. So a woman is more hesitant to approach a man when she likes him, for the fear of being branded as a 'loose' woman, who is 'easy to get' I have known women who are not averse to pre-marital sex, but are always suspecting that the man who is involved with her thinks of her as a 'slut'. Why is sexual chastity so important to a woman than a man? Is the fear of getting pregnant the only reason? Of course, not! There are ample number of ways, pregnancy can be avoided. Again watch out for the next article.

The initiative problem: ( the most important of them all)

Even if the woman is in an environment where she needn't be afraid of the above situation, she still has to take the first initiative, if she wants to influence who her partner is going to be. It doesn't come easy to women. The system has always made us believe that men should be the pursuers and women the pursued. We have fairy tales, movies everything which reinforces this notion of a man going through a lot of hardships to win his lady love.

Ever heard of a male version of Cindrella? Taking the initiative, means you can be rejected. Men and Women, both are afraid of rejection. Our egos are very fragile. But again men end up taking more initiative and making more advances than women, for the simple reason that they have fewer alternatives. Do women lose by not taking initiative to approach men they like? Surely.

There are lots of decent, interesting men who doesn't necessarily appear so because they are loathe to make a public display of their qualities. And there are a lot of men who are so afraid of rejection that they would never take the initiative. Plus, in a society where aggressiveness is mistaken for assertiveness, men don't know where to stop. Every man knows that the first 'no' of a woman doesn't necessarily mean the final 'no'. When a woman says 'no', it can be either a 'no' or a 'may be' or an 'yes'. So they persist. Women maintain that they give the right signals to the men they are interested in. Unfortunately, the signals which seem so obvious to women doesn't seem so to men, the poorer readers of body language they already are.

So a lot of men who persist for a woman's approval are considered to be 'boorish' and a 'pain in the neck' by most women. There is another side to this. A woman might happen to like more than one man at the same time. (Some people very naively believe that we can love only one person in our life time. The more accurate statement is we can be in love with only one person at a time.)

Most often, she doesn't end up with the man whom she like the most, but with the man who takes the risk to approach her first. This sounds like 'first come, first served', but unfortunately is true. By restricting themselves only to men who approach them first, women have far fewer potential partners to choose from.

6. The guide lines which govern our relationships - I

Of course, there are the usual share of biases, misconceptions, stereotypes, tacit rules to add to the confusion. Almost all of you might have seen guys ( 'locals' is the term used to describe these ppl) who hang out at all the crowdy spots, trying to attract the attention of 'gals'. These 'locals' try every trick in the book. They get onto a speeding bus in motion, drive vehicles at break-neck speeds, wear jazzy clothes and accessories, make obvious passes at women and so on and so forth. Their success rate is minimal. Others get surprised, even disgusted at their antics.

The one thought which crosses in their minds is "Don't these people know, that such tactics don't work'. Basically, these 'locals' are operating at a level, where their animal instincts have come to the fore. Peacocks strut around to catch the attention of pea-hens. Almost every male animal has a physical routine, which it uses to attract the attention of the females. Human beings can think.

Society imposes the need to mask animal instincts. Since the intellectual capacities of men vary, so do their approaches to attracting attention. Some men are more sophisticated than others. Interestingly, the men who don't resort to such antics, sometimes find themselves, secretly wishing they can 'let go' just like these 'locals'. The 'Rakhi' joke is very famous among the Indians.

A guy moves along with a gal for quite a while, all the time, trying to let the gal know somehow, his real intentions of being with her. One fine day of 'Rakhi' the gal professes her 'sisterly love' for him. The bubble bursts.

Aside: A woman calls a man as 'brother', most of the time to denote the lack of interest in the man as a potential partner. A man most of the time reacts, always thinking inside how his male friends are going to tease him when they get to know of this. In Indian Society, relations need to be legitamized. Fewer and fewer ppl address members of opposite sex as 'bhaiyas' and 'behens'. But the society still needs to know.

People are unsure when a single man and a single woman move together. Questions are asked, and eyebrows raised. They stop only when the relationship is given a name. "We are just friends" has a bad connotation. Obviously, with 'love' in short supply, it is tough for people to accept a platonic relationship.

Actually there is no such relationship as a platonic relationship. The relationship between a man and a woman is a liberal mix of attraction, lust admiration, friendship, and companionship. It is the percentages of these elements which define the relationship's nature.

One of my male friends asked me once " How can you be friends with this girl for so long, without falling in love with her?" Naive as the question might seem, it reflects the dilemma of our society.

7. The guide lines which govern our relationships - II

Nice guy is a dud term: Everybody probably subconciously knows this. When a guy is interested in a gal, the kind of statements he should watch out for in the initial stages are: 'You are such a nice guy!" 'I feel very comfortable with you' (If a guy is bold enough to confront a woman with his feelings, she can very well deliver the killer line: 'I am not worth you. You deserve better'. Meaning, he doesn't deserve her.)

There are a lot more. The bottom line, the friendlier a gal behaves towards a man, the more probabale it is, that she is not going to consider him as a potential partner. Why is this so? Lot of women assocate chemistry with excitement, being a tad nervous, and generally feeling uneasy.

As a gal told me, "I just lose my poise, when I see him. It is as if I am not myself anymore, That's when I started realizing that may be I love him." Guys know this at a subliminal level and act accordingly.

A Man starts 'coming on to a woman' the moment he thinks she is a suitable mate, because he is afraid that if he doesn't define the relationship in the beginning, he might end up being one more 'friend' whom she is 'comfortable' with.

A relationship which needs to be sustained for years, probably till death, cannot result only from spurges of emotion, physical attraction, though they are a necessity initially. True love is not possible, without a solid friendship in the first place.

It is not possible without mutual respect and admiration, without feeling comfortable. The Indian society does nothing to help. The movies which extoll the glory of 'first love', the stories which have heroes turn to losers when they are heart broken, come to mind instantly.

We hear married peple say, "We weren't in love when we got married. But after spending 'x' years, we know we truly love each other". Of course, we don't hear anybody proclaiming publicly, "We are still not in love", reasons being obvious.

To give some credibility to them, some couples might be right, They might have found to their pleasant surprise, that the person whom they married is a great guy/gal. The accent here is on the word 'surprise'.

In an arranged marriage, where a lot of compromises are made, even before the knot is tied, general compatibility can easily be perceived as 'love' by the couple. Sadly a lot of Indian couples seem to lack even this. Let us recap what I said in the last two parts, and add more deatail to it.

FIRSTLY, there aren't many opportunities for members of opposite sex to meet and get to know about each other. Except for the 'group get-togethers' which take place ocassionally, like marriages, weekend parties and so on, that is. For somebody who wants to beat the system, these opportunities need to be created by himself/herself. There are all kinds of variation to this. The spectrum for men ranges from resorting to eve teasing *to* being bold enough to let the whole world know about their views, and shedding their fear of rejection totally, but still not being sure about whether they would find love as the end result. (The minimum for him to do this is to look beyond, just the beauty of the women he would be entering into a relationship with.) The mean for you, if you are a man, might lie somewhere in between. The spectrum for women ranges from indulging in 'love affairs' without the knowledge of their parents *to* being bold enough to let the whole world know about their views and be branded as a woman of loose morals in turn but still not being sure about whether they would find love as the end result. (The minimum for her to do this is to be financially independent. Being not dependent on parents is not enough. She should not be dependent also on the men she would be entering into a relationship with.) The mean for you, if you are a woman, might lie somewhere in between.

SECONDLY, even if a man and a woman happen to meet, their relationship needs to be legitamized to the greatest possible extent.

This should be avoided. Care should be taken by men and women not to succumb quickly into giving a name to their relationship. Enough time should be given to explore the relationship with an open mind. Of course, this cuts both ways. If you are being forced by the other partner to label the relaionship before you are ready to, you would be better off, by leaving the relationship itself, unless you have something else in your mind than developing a solid and honest relationship. A woman doesn't have to be your sister if she is not your girlfriend. A man doesn't have to be a brother, if he is not your boyfriend.

THIRDLY, the more a man invests time into a relationship with a woman, the more he is at the risk of being included in her 'One more good friend/nice guy' category. Men know this on a subconcious level, and spend more energy on being romantic, rather than exposing the other, and perhaps more palatable aspects of their personality.

Again, both men and women need to restructure their thinking here. Romance is a great thing. It does keep love alive. But it cannot sustain on its own, without love being there in the first place. (Too much importance is give to romance, especially from women. Unfortunately, too less importance is given by men to romance, than they give to sex. A classic case where you crave abnormally for what you don't have.)

A man should be himself, not just mere romantic when he is with a woman. A man should ask a simple question to himself: Is he going be as romantic 5 years, 10 years, 15 years from now? If the answer is no, then he is overdoing it. This is because, it leads to failed expectations from the woman's side. And he would be buying love by giving them

A woman similarily should appreciate the other little qualities in a man which are so important to make a relationship successful, and should not assume that being romantic makes a man her Mr. Right. Otherwise she would be sorely disappointed later, leading her to make statements like 'You were not like this when we first met' and so on.

This is not my OWN work but is only a collation of many discussions and I do not claim any writership on this article. The thoughts expressed here are not necessarily endorsed by me ....

If you feel offended or disturbed after  reading this, then ........ B..A...C...K... O...F.....F..... and don't start an argument with me  !!!!!

MKris Nandigama

"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, no matter who said it, even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own commonsense." - BUDDHA