TYPES OF GOVERNMENTS

• FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
• PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
• BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
• FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
• PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
• RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
• DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
• SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
• MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
• PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
• REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
• AMERICAN DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
• BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
• BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
• ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
• CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
• HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank then execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.
• ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
• FEMINISM: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.
• TOTALITARIANISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
• POLITICAL CORRECTNESS: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
• COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk.
• SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

GHANDI

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.

Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.

Therefore: he came to be known as a...

"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

A FIRM GRASP WITH THE OBVIOUS

• Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
• Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut The New York Times, November 22
• Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find The Los Angeles Times, November 2
• Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link Cornell Daily Sun, December 7, 1995
• 'Light' meals are lower in fat, calories Huntington Herald-Dispatch, November 30
• Alcohol ads promote drinking The Hartford Courant, November 18
• Malls try to attract shoppers The Baltimore Sun, October 22
• Official: Only rain will cure drought The Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts
• Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men The Sunday Oregonian, September 24
• Low Wages Said Key to Poverty Newsday, July 11
• Man shoots neighbor with machete The Miami Herald, July 3
• Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30
• Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows The New York Times, March 10
• Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies The Los Angeles Times, March 2
• Scientists see quakes in L.A. future The Oregonian, January 28
• Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning The Buffalo News, February 26
• Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26
• Prosecution paints O.J. as a wife-killer Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel, January 25
• Economist uses theory to explain economy Collinsville Herald-Journal, February 8
• Bible church's focus is the Bible Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
• Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
• Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity The Chicago Tribune, March 5
• Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear Journal of Commerce, April 20
• Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
• Lack of brains hinders research The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
• How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
• Fish lurk in streams, Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (The actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her inlaws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

DAN QUAYLE QUOTES

• Recently, Dan Quayle announced his intentions to run for President of the U.S. in 2000. Since many younger voters may not have been watching the news when these were said the first time, we provide you with this list of famous Quayle quotes.
• "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people."
• "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
• "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."
• "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
• "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe."
• "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
• "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."
• "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change."
• "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
• "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world."
• "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
• "I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the future."
• "The future will be better tomorrow."
• "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."
• "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
• "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
• "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe."
• "Public speaking is very easy."
• "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican."
• "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix."
• "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
• "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame."
• "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it."
• "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
• "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
• "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
• "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make."
• "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
• "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
• "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."

AChinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents."What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."

DENTAL WORK

A man went to his dentist because he felt something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examined him and said, "That new upper plate that I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"

The man replied, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything: meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."

"Well," said the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."

"Why chrome?" asked the patient.

To which the dentist replied, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"