A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on
 autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

 "You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that
 you must have no sense of fear."

 At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and
 then licks it.  He asks all the students to do the same thing with the
 corpses in front of them.

 After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

 "The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: I
 stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."

Performance Review

 One day, a project leader was asked to submit a review of one of his
 employees. He wrote the following:

 1) Bob Jones, my assistant programmer, can always be found
 2) hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
 3) wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
 4) thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
 5) finishes given assignments on time. Often, Bob takes extended
 6) measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
 7) breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
 8) vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
 9) knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
 10) classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
 11) dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
 12) promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
 13) executed as soon as possible.

 Regards - Project Leader

 Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following
 memo from the same project leader:

 Sorry, but that idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote
 the report sent to you earlier today.  Kindly read only the odd
 numbered lines for my true assessment of him.

 Regards - Project Leader
 

Great Writer

 There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to
 become a great writer.

 When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the
 whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
 emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain
and anger!"

 He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Americans vs Canadians

 The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation released by
 the Chief of Naval Operations, of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities
 off the coast of Newfoundland in Oct. 1995.  Reprinted in the Memorial
 University campus newspaper.

 Americans:     Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
 collision.

 Canadians:     Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid
 a collision.

 Americans:     This is the captain of a US Navy ship, I say again, divert YOUR
 course.

 Canadians:     No.  I say again, you divert YOUR course.

 Americans:     THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US MISSOURI.  WE ARE A
 LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY.  DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW !

 Canadians:     THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE.  Your call.

A Bar Story
 
 One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for
 possible violations of driving-under-the-influence laws.

 At closing time he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and
 try his keys on 5 different cars before he found his.  Then, sat in the front
 seat, fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.  Everyone left the
 bar and drove off.  Finally, he started his engine and pulled away.
 
 The police officer was waiting for him.  He stopped the driver, read him his
 rights, and administered the breathalyzer test.  The results showed a reading
 of 0.0.

 The puzzled officer demanded to know how this could be.  The driver replied,
 "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy." ow this could be.  The driver replied,
 "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."