THE MALE/FEMALE COMMUNICATION GAP

 WOMEN'S ENGLISH
 
 Yes = No
 No = Yes
 Maybe = No
 I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.
 We need = I want
 It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
 Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.
 We need to talk = I need to complain
 Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.
 I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
 You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
 You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
 Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
 This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
 I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
 Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it THERE!
 I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
 Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
 How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.
 I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
 Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.
 You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
 Are you listening to me!? = 'Too late, you're dead.'
 Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he
 goes to sleep.
 I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
 
 MEN'S ENGLISH:

 "I'm hungry." = I'm hungry.
 "I'm sleepy." = I'm sleepy.
 "I'm tired." = I'm tired.
 "Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
 "Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
 "Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
 "May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
 "Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
 "You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I want to fondle you.
 "What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of
 this.
 "What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are
 you going through now?
 "What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
 "I'm bored." = Do you want to have sex?
 "I love you." = Let's have sex now.
 "I love you, too." = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
 "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = I liked it better before.
 "Yes, I like the way you cut your hair." = $50 and it doesn't look that
 much different!
 "Let's talk." = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
 person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.
 "Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
 other guys.
 (while shopping) "I like that one better." = Pick any freakin' dress and
 let's go home!
 "I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together." = I am  gay.