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BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:   Glass empty.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.
 
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:  Have yourself lashed to bar.
 
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
ACTION:  See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open endpoints toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
ACTION:  Stand next to a dog, complain about her house training.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:   You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:   Bar has closed.
ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:  Cover mouth. 

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The
first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog.
"T-Square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk,
took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a
square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty
smart.

The Accountant said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a
dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies
each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better.
He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a  quart
of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.Everyone agreed that
was good.

Then the three men turned to the GovernmentWorker and said,
"What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said,  "Coffee
Break, do your stuff."  Coffee Breakjumped to his feet, ate
the cookies, drank the milk, dumped in the circle
on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs,
claimed he injured his back while doing so,filed a grievance
report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's
Compensation and went home on sick leave.


 

                             TYPES OF PENISES
 

    The Excedrin Penis: It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.

    The Sprite Penis:  Image is nothing...
                      Taste is everything.

    The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.

    The Life Call Penis: It's fallen and it can't get up.

    The m&m Penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand

    The Frosted Flakes Penis: They're GGGRRRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!

    The Lucky Charms Penis: They're magically delicious

    The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going

    The Kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved

    The Cobain Penis: It blows itself away

    The 7-Up Penis: The UN-Penis

    The Nike Penis: Just do it

    The Bud Lite Penis: Great taste, less filling

    The Subway Penis: Where fresh is the taste

    The Life Penis: Mikey likes it

    The Transformers Penis: It's more than meets the eye

    The Robitussin Penis: Used by nine out of ten moms

    The Crest Penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists

    The Toyota Penis: I love what you do for me

    The Timex Penis: Takes a lickin and keeps on.......

    The McDonald's Penis: Over 8 billion served

    The Wendy's Penis: Where's the beef?

    The Flintstone's Vitamins Penis: 10 million strong and growing

    The Wizard of Oz Penis: "Oh My!"

    The Lays Penis: Betcha can't eat just one

    The Diet Coke Penis: Just for the taste of it...

    The Doublemint Penis: Chewing really satisfies

    The Juicyfruit Penis: The taste is gonna move ya

    Robutussin Penis ][: Recommended by Dr. Mom...

    The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper

    The Domino's Pizza Penis: Delivers in 30 min or less

    The Budweiser Penis: This bud's for you

    The Siskel & Ebert Penis: 2 thumbs up...

    The George of the Jungle Penis: Watch out for that.......tree?

    The Nyquil Penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing,runny-nose,
    itching, burning, so you can't rest penis

    The Rice Krispies Penis: What does your penis say to you?

    The Extra Penis: Lasts an extra extra extra longtime

    The Phantom of the Opera Penis: Music of the night

    The Charmin Penis: Don't squeeze the penis!

    The Gilette Penis: The best a man can get

    The Charmin double roll Penis: It lasts longerbecause it IS
    longer.

    The Bacardi Penis: Taste the feeling

    The Macintosh Penis: Power is everything

    The Beatles Penis: Now a quarter smaller thanit used to be

    The Oasis Penis: Thinks it's the Beatles penis

    The Jell-O Penis: Look at it wiggle, look at itjiggle

    The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, butmade for a woman
       -or-          Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman

    The Sanka Penis: Good to the last drop

    The Yellow Pages Penis: Let your fingers do thewalking

    The Life Savers Penis: Five fruity flavors

    The Kenny Rodgers Penis: Very very hairy

    The Rush Limbaugh Penis: Bald and fat

    The Chevy Truck Penis: Like a rock!

    The Mazda Penis: It just feels right

    The Ford Penis: Built Ford tough

    The Ford Penis ][: Have you driven a penis lately?

    The Butterfinger Penis: Nobody better lay a fingeron my penis

    The Eggo Penis: Leggo my penis

    The Disney Penis ][: It's a small one after all

      An old man gets on a crowded bus andno one gives him a seat. As
 the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and  he
 falls.
 
      As he gets up, a seven year old kid sitting nearby, turns to him
 and  says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,  it
 wouldn't slip."
 
      The old man snaps back, "Well, if your daddy did the same thing
 seven years ago, I would have a seat today."


    Nearing his wedding night, the slow-witted &virgin groom approaches
 his father for help. "Dad, what am I to do. Soon my wife and I have to go to
 bed but I don't know what to do!"
 
    The father replies, "Don't worry son. Do you see what our dogs do?
 Just do what they do and you'll be okay."
 
    Early next morning, the new bride wakes up her father-in-law, crying,
 "I'm going to divorce your son! He is CRAZY!"
 
    "Why? What happened?" asks the father.
 
    "All night he does nothing but sniff my ass and pee on the bedpost!!"
 

 
 A very obnoxious little boy kept disrupting his Third Grade class by
 regularly letting loud farts.  His teacher kept him after school. When
 she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior;he said,
 "I do it because I can do it better than anybody and I'm very proud of that
 fact."
  "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?" He agreed
 and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor withidentical piles
 of chalk dust on each one.  The kid dropped his pants,squatted down,
 farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off thepaper.  The teacher
 dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and fartedbut when
 she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on thepaper.  The kid
 was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing
 and as she repeated the process, the kid peeked up underneath her skirt. "No
 wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a Double-
 Barrel!"
THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATINGIS BETTER THAN SEX
10. Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 

9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.

 8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 

7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy. 

6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else. 

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9 months. 

4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky. 

3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning. 

2. Less guilt the next morning. 


and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex... 

1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT,YOU CAN ALWAYS GO NEXT DOOR!   

 
   One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd
 toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching
 one  his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut
 fell in his ear.
 
   He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
 deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying
 they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were  ready to
 go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being
 informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.
 
   The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers  up
 the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew,  the
 peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for  joy. The mother
 said to the young man, "That was wonderful. You should be a doctor!"
 The ungrateful father jumped up, twisted the boy's  arm behind his back and
 yelled, "Doctor, my ass! He's going to be our  son-in-law.
 Smell his fingers!"

PICKUP LINES

 1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.
 2. Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her
    I just met the girl of my dreams.
    OR:
 I want to call your mother and thank her.
 3. Is your daddy a thief? ["No."] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the
    stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case
    they say "yes."]
 4. You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
 5. Would you be my love buffet?  So I can lay you out on the table and take
    what I want?
 6. Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
 7. The word of the day is "legs."  Let's go back to my place and spread the
    word.
 8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
 9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor
    tomorrow morning.
 10. My name's [your name].  That's so you know what to scream.
 11. My name's [your name], but you can call me "lover."
 12. Nice shoes.  Wanna fuck?
 13. Can I flirt with you?
 14. Your daddy must have been a baker, 'cause you've got a nice set of
     buns.
 15. [Look at his/her shirt label.  When they say, "What are you doing?":]
     Checking to see if you were made in heaven.
     OR:
     Checking to see if you're the right size.
 16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
 17. If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
 18. Fuck me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?
 19. I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.
 20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
 21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
 22. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart. [Cheesealert!]
 23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
 24. How about you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up?
 25. Do you know what'd look good on you?  Me.
 26. I miss my teddy bear.  Would you sleep with me?
 27. So...  How am I doin'?
 28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet
     clothes?
 29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
 30. Say, that's a nice [dress/outfit/article of clothing]. Can I talk you
     out of it?
 31. I lost my phone number.  Can I have yours?
 32. I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.
 33. Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?
 34. My face is leaving in fifteen minutes.  Be on it.


Three men were waiting to tee off on the golf course.  While they were
waiting for the fourth player, they started talking about their kids. The first man
said he was so proud of his son. He had started out as a carpenterand was
now a large builder. He was so successful that in the past year he gave his
friend a brand new home.

The second man, not to be outdone, told of his son who had startedout as a
car salesman and now owned several large dealerships. He was so successful in
fact, that during this past year, he had given his friend 2 brand new cars.

The third man then told of his son who was a stock broker and was doing so
well that he gave his friend a huge stock portfolio.

By this time the fourth man had joined the group and they told him that they
had been speaking of their kids and how proud they all were of them. The
fourth man, unfortunately, could not say the same.
"My son," he said, "is a hairdresser and has been for the past 15 years. I
was recently told that he is gay."

He shakes his head, but then adds, "Well, I guess he can't be doing
too bad because his last three boyfriends gave him a brand new house,2
cars, and a large stock portfolio."
 

                  A Closed Mouth Gathers No Feet
                  A computer never forgives or forgets.
                  A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
                  A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
                  A good friend knows what you need before you ask.
                  A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
                  A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
                  A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
                  A man of few words lacks vocabulary!
                  A path without obstacles probably leads nowhere.
                  A penny saved is ridiculous.
                  A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
                  (A)bort, (R)etry, (I)nfluence with large hammer
                  (A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?
                  Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
                  Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
                  After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat itself.
                  All computers wait at the same speed.
                  All general statements are false.
                  All that glitters has a high refractive index.
                  "All the world's a stage; the play was just badly miscast." --Oscar Wilde
                  All true wisdom is found in taglines.
                  All true wisdom is found on computers.
                  All true wisdom is found through juggling.
                  All true wisdom is found through programming.
                  All true wisdom is found through yo-yos.
                  All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
                  All's well that ends.
                  Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
                  Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
                  Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
                  An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
                  An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
                  An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
                  An ounce of keeping-your-mouth shut sure beats a ton of explanation.
                  An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
                  And pray tell, whose imagination are you a figment of?
                  And which parallel universe did you crawl out of???
                  Any given program costs more and takes longer.
                  Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
                  Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
                  Any product cut to length will be too short.
                  Any program will expand to fill available memory.
                  Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
                  Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
                  Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.
                  Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
                  Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
                  As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
                  As a rule, the freedom of any people can be judged by the volume of theirlaughter.
                  As I said before, I never repeat myself.
                  ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
                  Attitudes are contagious. Is yours worth catching?
 

Mountain Man ---
 
Sam has been in the corporate rat race for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Western Montana, as far from humanity as possible.  Sam seesthe
postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.  Otherwiseit's
total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of  almost  total isolation, he'sfinishing
dinner when someone knocks on his door.  He opens it and there is a
big, bearded mountain man standing there.
 
 "Name's Jake... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...Having
a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
 
"Great,"says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some
local folks.Thank you."  As Jake is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you
there's gonna be some drinkin."
 
"Not a problem...after 25 years in corporate world, I can do that with
the best of them."  Again, as he starts to leave Jake stops.
 
"More 'n'likely gonna be some fightin, too."
 
Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd."Well, I get along with people. I'll
be there. Thanks again." Once again Jake turns from the door.
 
 "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
 
 "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for
six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I
wear to the party?"
 
Jake stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just
gonna be the two of us."
 

SYMPTOMS OF SEMESTER BURNOUT!
 
     1.   When your parents inquire about your grades and you sing the
          cookie monster song (C is for cookie, that's good enough for me...)
 
     2.   You have spent more time figuring out that you only need a 54%
          on the finalto pass than you have actually spent studying.
 
     3.   When you are swamped with homework and spend your time making
           up a list like this.
 
     4.   When you start showering after class rather than before.
 
     5.   The test papers are no longer worthy of the fridge door.
 
     6.   When the campus drunk tells you that you should study more.
 
     7.   When your favourite paperweight says "Bud Light".
 
     8.   Visions of the upcoming weekend help you to make it through
          Monday.
 
     9.   When your absence exceeds your attendance.
 
     10.  When your study schedule is based on the rationale that
           you "might" actually die before the test!

      After marrying a young woman, a ninety-year-old man told his doctor
that they were expecting a baby.

"Let me tell you a story," said the doctor.  "An absent-minded
fellow went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella.
Suddenly a bear charged at him.  Pointing his umbrella at the bear,
he shot and killed it on the spot."

"Impossible!" the geezer exclaimed.  "Somebody else must have shot
that bear."

"Exactly," replied the doctor.


This one goes out to all the ladies

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex aids shop and asked in
a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken back by the little old lady's appearance
in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart
asked "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes ma-am, we do. We have several that size."

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nnyof
t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well.... yes ma'am, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"

"Yes ma'am, one of them does."

"W-w-ell, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

A guy is having marital problems.  He and the wife are not communicating
 at all and he's lonesome, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet
might  help.  The store he happened into specialized in parrots.  As he
wanders  down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he
 mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says "With
my  prick, you dummy." The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk
well  for a parrot." The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated
 parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you
 wish." The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
 The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If
 you offer the proprietor $20 for me, I'll bet he'll sell me."

 The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.When he
 comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this,the A's
 won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
 home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says"Come in and
 shut the door." The guy says "What's up?" The parrot says"I don't know
 how to tell you this, but the mailman came today.  Your wife answered
 the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."The guy
 says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion." The parrot says "Well, maybe
 but then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He did??"The parrot
 says "Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her
 breasts." The guy says "My God, what happened next?!?" The parrot says
 "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
 


Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they
have to pass one more test:  The Celibacy Test.  The Monsignor leads
them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each
man's penis.
 
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She
begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
 
*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell...
 
"Oh Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of
control.  Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal
weakness."
 The candidate leaves.
 
The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate
and peeling off her layers of veils.  As the last veil drops:
 
*Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell...
 
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor.  "You too are unable to withstand
your carnal desires.  Go take a long, cold shower and pray for
forgiveness"
 
The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third
candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of herveils,
but the third candidate remains unmoved.
 
"James, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you
have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest".
Now, go and join your weaker brethen in the shower".
 
*Ting-a-ling*


THIS IS A STORY OF ADAM & EVE.

ADAM & EVE WERE TOLD BY GOD NOT TO HAVE SEX...(MOST PEOPLE THINK IT WAS
AN APPLE, BUT SEX WAS THE REAL NASTY THEY WERE TOLD NOT TO DO)....

WELL ONE DAY, EVE WAS BEING VERY SEXY, TEASING ADAM, AS SHE WAS
STRETCHING OVER SOME BRANCHES TO REACH SOME FRUIT IN THE TREES. ADAM WAS GETTING VERY AROUSED AS HE KEPT LOOKING AT HER CLEAVAGE AND HER LONG SEXY LEGS....

EVE WOULD TEASE ADAM ON PURPOSE AS SHE KEPT LOOKING AT HIS BULGE IN HIS
THONG GET BIGGER AND BIGGER.

ADAM AND EVE WENT DAYS UPON DAYS RESISTING EACH OTHER TO THE POINT THAT
IT WAS UNBEARABLE!...THEY ATTACKED EACH OTHER AND HAD WILD SEX FOR HOURS
AND HOURS.

THE NEXT MORNING, GOD ASKED ADAM AND EVE WHY THEY DID WHAT GOD HAD
FORBID THEM TO DO?...

ADAM WAS SPEECHLESS AND EVE IMMEDIATELY RESPONDED BY SAYING, " I WENT
AND WASHED RIGHT AWAY "

GOD ASKED:"WHERE?."

EVE: "IN THE LAKE...! I WASHED AND WASHED FOR A LONG TIME SO THAT ALL
THE SINS WOULD BE GONE."

GOD SAID: "OH NO!...NOT THE LAKE... TELL ME NOT THE LAKE, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?."

..........and from that day on we now know why fish smell like women.!