Anthony’s Weekly Review

Anthony’s Weekly Review

Issue 3 (since I couldn’t find out when volumes end…don’t question my genius!!)

November 27, 2005

First thing is first. If anyone important comes into GNC, please put this in my desk (the wooden cabinet in front of you with two doors). Important means anyone above Natalie (no offense…). When they leave, put back up on my wall above the broken toilet. Again, please do not poop unless you know it works. I can’t stand shit cluttered in my office!

Okay, I didn’t try anything new this week, so I don’t have any supplement reviews. So…I thought I would inform those readers who think I am: great, amazing, intellectual, quite simply, extraordinary. Think of that word for a second…extra – ordinary. Oh hell yes.

Well, this is a very import edition of Anthony’s Weekly Review, for the last one was completely banned by Natalie. Millions of readers think that means the glass is half-empty, but I think it means it is half-full. Thank you Natalie, for now Issue 2 of Anthony’s Weekly Review is a collectors item!!! It’s like having my own rookie card…

Anyway, this is a very important edition of Anthony’s Weekly Review. I, Anthony of Anthony’s Weekly Review, present to you:

“What would I change if I were President of the United States” Edition!!!

But, not only that, but it will be written in the most complex language possible. Snoop Dogg-ish! Fashizzle mah Nizzle!

Warning: To those sensitive to cussing and swearing, you shouldn’t be working here. Either way, this has some of it (what would Snoop Dogg-ish be without it). Sorry for mentioning this after saying “hell” and “Fashizzle mah Nizzle” which, translated, means . .

Since I am so great in every way, I should be president of the United States.* It would be like me – perfect!* Crime would be down; the economy would be up; and I would be the cause of it because everything evolves around me.*

Here is a list of things that I would make laws:*

Driving Laws*

No one over 60 will be able to drive a car.*
Everyone will have to drive a Mini Cooper.* I mean, seriously, how cool would it be to have a bunch of bumper cars on the highways!*
Every highway would be the autobahn – no speed limit.* As a matter of fact, if you go too slow, you get a ticket.* This is why rule #1 exists so that we don’t kill all the tree’s by writing tickets.* Old people….*
Anyone who has a car that is set up like a street-racing car will be forced to do the following:*
1. Use hub caps that have spinners on them, and must be purchased at Wal-Mart, America’s hell-hole.*
2. Use a fake exhaust pipe (the screw-on type).*
3. Use Reynolds Wrap in the windows.*
4. Use fuzzy dice.*
5. Have a big sign on the front windshield that says “Bawlin’ On A Budget”*
6. The reason for these rules is because these people are fucking morons.* Seriously, who gives a shit that you can go from 0 – 60 in 8.5 seconds on a street that will have a light 500 yards down the road.* Stupid ass!*
7. These laws also apply to people who have a car over $50,000.00 except, of course, a kick ass Mini Cooper.*
If your Mini Cooper is larger than my Mini Cooper (notice the irony in that statement), it is “too kick ass” and you will be forced to follow rule #4.*

My Cabinets Law*

Ha-Ha!* I am a complete genius and everything I say and believe is factual – as a matter of fact, my opinions are fact!* The point of a cabinet is assisting the President.* I don’t need it!* The world is perfect with just me in charge.* However, some idiot will probably get jealous of me and assassinate me (see laws under Martyr Laws).* So, I have to have some type of backup – how genius of me is it to think of that!*

So, the only cabinet member will be a Vice President.* The Vice President will act just like the current Vice President – does jack shit and has a heart attack every other year.* Therefore, by law, Max from South Bend Chocolate Company will be the Vice President.*

People Laws*

1. No mullets, for there is no such damn thing as a ‘cool mullet’.* That is just retarded.*

2. Women who wear their pants inside their ugly boots (that look like what pre-historic natives would wear) will never get laid, for the boots are a form of birth control.* You know what…never mind. Damn it, I made myself really mad.*

3. Men who think they are cool by wearing pink polo shirts with the collar pulled up will be shot on demand.* Think of this scenario: you are in the desert in Saudi Arabia.* All around you are a bunch of Muslim men who are strict.* All of a sudden, a guy with a pink polo shirt with the collar pulled up comes in the picture.* What would you think would happen?* Yea, me too.* Congratulations on becoming that much closer to my intellect.*

4. Pseudo-Celebrities will no longer be allowed on any form of media.* Believe me, no one gives a shit about Lisa Lohan or Paris Hilton.* Both are idiots who have no talent to do anything, but think they are cool because a video was put out with some guy banging them.* Soon some girl is going to think “Wow, good for you.* You are soooo cool since you had a video put out with some guy banging you.* I wish I was you.* That’s hot!*” PISS OFF!*

5. Last but not least, metro-sexual men will be revered!* Seriously, they are men who have taste, class, and elegance.* Unfortunately most of you have never seen me this way since I don’t get calls saying “Hey, Anthony, please come in right now from wherever you are – I don’t care what you are wearing.”* Only in my dreams (which are fact….it will happen people!)*

Television Laws*

1. All cussing will be allowed on television.* After all, if prison inmates can say “fuck” 5 times in a sentence on MTV’s Scared Straight, why can’t they do that on the Teletubbies.* I am sure the parents say it in front of their kids while watching this show…*

2. Kids in the Hall will be on every network at least once a day.* Seriously, this is, in my factual opinion, one of the greatest shows of all time in any country.* For those who never heard of it, shame on you but I will not assassinate you, for I want you to experience the joy.* It is a 1980s comedy from Canada that Lorne Michaels (Saturday Night Live) directed.* It is the original SNL.* It is amazing.* One of the very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, 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very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very few things that is cooler than I am.*

3. No more WWF, WCW, WWE, whatever the fuck it is.* It is retarded.* It is fake.* It is guys in Speedos.* The last time I flipped by this channel (a week or so ago) some guy with a mentally-challenging problem and with red/black paint on his face was slobbering over himself and speaking in tongues.* This made me lose IQ points.* Thankfully, I have reserves, so not a big deal.* You should be thankful for that too!*

4. Fox, although it presents the most biased news of all time, has the best shows.* Why?* This is something I know, but many have wondered.* The Simpsons, Malcolm in the Middle, Mad TV (although it is unknown why they play 5 fucking minutes of commercials between each skit), and Seinfeld are the greatest shows of all time.* So, they should have 5 different networks.* Oh wait, they already do….*

5. Mad TV can no longer play 5 fucking minutes of commercials between each 2 minute skit!*

6. Although not television, most John Hughes films will be considered the best movies of all time.* The exceptions are Uncle Buck and Home Alone.* Only if he stuck with the Brat Pack would these films be successful.* Imagine Judd Nelson playing Kevin in Home Alone.* Oh hell yes!*

GNC Laws*

Martyr Laws*

If I am ever assassinated (it will happen, for all great people do get assassinated), Max should not be able to take over this country.* I know, I know, I made him Vice President.* That is because I need someone to talk to.* If I do become assassinated please do not replace me with him.* Why?* Slap yourself for asking that question!* No one can take my place, especially him.* The closest person to replacing someone like me is…OH SHIT, I BEEN SHOT. SLAP MAH FRO!! MUTHA FUCKA! I GOSTA END DIS BEEATCH! FASHIZZLE! ßWhy this is the Snoop Dogg-ish Edition!!*

Okay, I’m back.* Where was I?* Oh yes – anyway, if I die, a giant bronze statue of me should be created and put in front of Indianapolis.* That’s right, Indianapolis.* What?* No where in the Constitution does it say that I have to stay in that shit hole Washington D.C..* I would be martyred within 5 minutes of being there.*

Random Laws*

1. Seriously, I got really pissed off when every damn cuss word I wrote had a red squiggly line under it (but won’t put one under ‘squiggly’).* Microsoft Word is dumb and the code needs to be rewritten by a prison inmate (I will be too busy making sure Chinese restaurants in the U.S. doesn’t use cat in the General Tso.* Thanks Natalie!* You can be the head of my new Health Inspections office, “Chinese Haterz If Cats are Killed, Eaten, or Neglected,” dubbed C.H.I.C.K.E.N.).*

2. Stupid laws will be removed.* There is a law in Kentucky that fits this description perfectly.* Between Kentucky and Indiana lies the Ohio River.* The Ohio River Valley is legally owned by Kentucky.* Yet, it is illegal to fish from Kentucky into the Ohio River without an Indiana fishing license.* Stupid.*

3. That whole Checks and Balances system – where the executive branch, judicial branch and legislative branch all have equal powers – is absolutely ignorant with me in charge.* Won’t need it.* I know all!*

4. Saying “trust me” is illegal.* One who says “trust me” is probably the most guilty person alive.*

5. Michael Jackson made molesting children legal in California.* Following that O.J. Simpson who made murder legal there too.* Pee-Wee Herman made whacking off to porn legal there too!* The point?* California will be sold to France.*

6. North America is Canada and the United States.* Americans hate the French.* The French hate the Americans.* What are Canadians in Quebec?* French-speaking Americans.* I haven’t figured out what to do about these group of idiots, but believe me, there won’t be a car there without “Bawlin’ On A Budget” on it!!!!* Idiots!*

7. Thought of another law (and probably the last).* Alarm clocks.* You know, the ones next to your bed on the nightstand.* They should be made so that right when you plug them in, the alarm goes off.* I know this sounds dumb at first, but remember, I know all!* You see, if you ever have a power outage, the clock goes out.* If that happens, nothing wakes you up.* Exactly!* Anyway, nothing wakes you up, but if the alarm automatically goes off when the power is turned back on, you won’t miss your trip to New York like McCullough Calcone (or however you spell his crack-head name) did!* Genius!!!* You see, if that this law existed, then McCullough Calcone wouldn’t have missed the plane to New York, thus, no Home Alone!* That still leaves Uncle Buck, but that took place in Canada – hopefully Quebec so I can somehow oust that movie too!*

* These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These statements are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. However, Anthony knows more than the Food and Drug Administration, thus, this stupid statement doesn’t matter. Keep in mind, the Food and Drug Administration legalized a drug that gives old men a stiff but makes them blind, and yet, won’t legalize foods or drugs that inspire others to come up with great ideas, such as making everything in this document with a * after every sentence!!!