"I used to do ultimate fighting.....except it was with my dad..... when i was 9" Wes

"Jessica Simpson is the kind of woman that cant have kids...you know..cause shes tainted" Doug

Matt "yeah so Justin called Joe at his new fancy job the other day, and Joes like 'how did you get this number!?' and justin says, "hey its important...guess how many pretzels are in my mouth?"

Carissa: "yeah everybody drank smirnoff ice in highschool"

Wes:"well, not everyone, see wes didnt have a family so he drank whiskey"

{watching a movie where a couple is taking a bath in rose petals}

me: I wonder if people actually do that

Jess: well Kaylan got fucked in a flower bush one time, does that count?

"the basement was covered in trash, old food wrappers and things i couldnt even identify, it looked like little joshs room" my dad describing a delipidated building

"i wish we could do that to the bar" Roberto as he watches penguins on tv sliding on their stomachs

"i moved to new york when i got bored with buffalo...and i live on a couch...and i don't have a job...and i hooked up with a girl and she peed on my couch" Dempseys synopsis of the last five months

"so i read in the paper that they are now teaching nouns and verbs in Baltimore city as "stuff" and "what stuff does" Dave

"so apparently [baby Josh] was throwing game at the girls that came down to visit me, laying it on thicker as he got drunker. End of the night comes around, he stops her as shes leaving and is like 'hey so whats the deal, we going to hook up or what' - Aaron

Joe: I cant get off till i choke a girl

Tom: Yeah i cant get off till im wearing a leash so tight tears are welling down my cheeks, and im watching a dakota fanning movie

"of course i study!...im asian!" Jenny

"i was sorta feeling her, then she got progressively more wasted and started throwing off a skank vibe, thats when i really started feeling her" Wes

"We used to know this chick with the most horrible snatch, we actually named a wood chipper after it, ill never forget the Shannon King 5000" Tex

My teacher: "traditionally asian women are depicted as more submissive

Kid in my class "My girlfriends asian....god i wish she was submissive"

Joe "so were walking from Cornerstone last night and a car of black kids pulls up and says 'whats going on crackers?" at that point i apparently kicked off their hubcap told them "this is whats up" and ran off. That story explains how i woke up in my bed next to a hubcap."

crazy 40 year old lady at the bar: "hey hey i got a great story for you"

justin: "yea i got a great story too, remember that time a crazy 40 year old lady came up to us at the bar to tell us a story?"

crazy 40 year old lady at the bar: "i'm not 40"

Chris "Whats a frankel?"

James: "i believe its a dirty old jew that lives under the stairs"

Justin: Logan youre like my brother from another mother"

Logan: thats cool and alll just dont be buying me presents for kwanzaa

"If you ever want to have fun in inner city baltimore, when you walk into a store just start humming 'im not saying shes a goldigger, but..." and then just stop and look around " Jones

"so im having this problem cause my girlfriend thinks shes fat...and as it turns out, she is" Wes

"things really went down hill after i told her i wished i had a cue ball, a sock, and enough time to kill every a-rab in the middle east...she was all like ' I have family over there!" Cronin

(my film teacher) "you want to look for the 'evil slut monster' archetype not only in these films but in life...especially in life, else you might marry an evil slut monster"

"theres a gay bar down the street from where i work, i thought it was a construction site for the first three months" Gong

"You probably dont remember this, but last friday i came to drink with your roomates and you came stumbling in took a shot, called me a 'filthy immigrant' and passed out on the floor. I was horrified but your roomates just went on like that was something normal" Alec

"ewww shes got saggy diaper ass" Mike

Cletus101: shes hot dude

sixfourHIC: thanks man .. i have to keep her before i lose my hair

"you black guys get so pissed about slavery, have you ever thought about what we did to the indians. First we gave them smallpox then we marched them to Oklahoma, said 'hey we kinda like this too' then told them to try the desert. High five to white people" Mike

"Im so generous when i get drunk, no wonder i get fucked in the ass" figure out which chick this is

"you know things are real bad when every black guy has a pool in his backyard" Wes, on New Orleans

(after our basement floods)

Me: dude our basement looks like New Orleans

Josh: yeah man i think i saw some black dude trying to loot downstairs <too soon?>

"christmas at the KA house was a little out of control lets just say Santa came in wasted, exposed himself to a whole sorority before vomiting and passing out on the lawn"

"you think thats inappropriate...you didnt have frankel calling you 'daddy' and 'pops' for three weeks during a paternity scare" Justin

Rob "So Calder pissed the bed the other night, so he gets out, puts a bathing suit on and get back into the bed"

"you ever see the microwave at joe and dougs, shit turns on randomly and starts sparking, the damn things possesed"

"most people like to operate on a 1-10 scale, i use a 0-1 because its more like either you would or you wouldnt and everything else doesnt really matter" Tennessee

"I never had rum like that!" my dad after blacking out on 151 at my birthday

Bobby: "Ben whats that in your hand"

Ben holding a jar of change "judiasm"

"you guys ever forget a simple word like its on the tip of your tongue but you cant remember it? yeah well i lost the word jungle for like two years..I completly forgot it until my friend was like 'hey look at that jungle gym' and i had to stop him 'WHAT DID YOU SAY?' - Jack

"you know Doug's last words are going to be 'watch this' " Jon, shortly after Doug does a swan dive into two feet of water

"dude justin beat off to a baba o reily song for five straight months" Jack

Jack as he tries to put out the fire of lit 151 all over his hands - so you from around here?

bartender: sorry i usually dont date guys that are on fire

"Im not gay but my butt is" - sticker on Jons car

Malibu B 02: i went on a date last night and the guy made a drug deal during it

"yeah i drove home one night real drunk and as i drove i got even drunker...by the time i stopped for gas i was wasted. I woke up the next morning with my whole family yelling at me and calling me an idiot, i walked outside and the pump handle and a torn gas line were attached to my car, that was a hard one to explain" Jennings

stupid girl in my class: what does the word (STING-EEY) mean, ive never heard someone called that, how can someone sting?

teacher: uh thats pronounced stingy

yo i told jennings sister she was drunk last night, and she told me 'no im not punch me in the stomach' .When i wouldnt she called me a bitch Shire

"dude i blackedout last night, and when i woke up i had pissed all over myself and my girlfriend, luckily i woke up before her, so i just spilled a glass of water on the bed and played it off" - Crazy Josh

"what you want me to take it easy on you!?...that way YOULL NEVER LEARN" Jennings while crushing his girfriend in foosball

yeah i always pictured myself commiting suicide like this: metal folding chair in an abandoned warehouse, slit wrist pathetic look on my face and a piece of notebook paper on my lap that says 'no funeral' - Gabe

me: you cant take that

Shire: i refer you to the case of Finders v. Keepers

Shire: ...yeah like those kids that have the leashes on their arms

Jennings: I was one of those kids

Jim:Greg are you straight to drive?

Greg: well im half gay but i dont see why thats going to effect my driving

"whoa buddy that line is a double black diamond, are you a ski instructor or something?" Robbie

"im going to get your sister pregnant and abort the baby..haha" Crazy Josh

Jack on the tsunami "well its cetainly a good time to be a shark in the indian ocean"

"matt damon runs like a raped dog" Jack

josh "yeah man id like to derail her train"

me "what the hell does that mean"

josh "i dont know im hungover give me a break"

"id like to think that no matter how bad things get, i can always fall back on suicide" Crazy Josh

"he never sleeps in his bed, that couch is his woman" danielle, refering to Josh

"you want to do something different tonight?, lets get some metal folding chairs a handle of grain liqour and a revolver and sit around and see what happens" Dempsey

"this id isnt you, the girl in this pic is pretty" Paul while checking ids

"one of my friends took a semester in England, he got drunk in a pub one night and he was screaming 'England never did shit for anyone, what has england ever done worth shit!" and there was this long silence and then some guy in the back yelled out "weve got bloody english muffins!" - Crazy

"i was a beer guy at redskins games, they used to tell me to stop serving people that looked too drunk, and all i can think is 'what the hell, im in college if theyre drunk just look normal to me" kid in my class

"why do you white guys put your balls on your friends face and take a picutre of it when he passes out..thats like saying hey "im really gay...document this" Slade

it's good to know that I have a friend that would help me kill and dismember somebody without thinking anything of it - Gabe

"i saw the kids on the short bus today, i had to laugh at the little window lickers, they had their faces pressed against the glass ....looking at all the normal people" Justin

"id rather risk an STD than do an ugly chick" Crazy Josh

"yeah this kid in our house drinks a handle of rum every two days" Crazy Josh

"hes going to die when hes like 30!" Judy

"or be AWESOME!" Crazy Josh

"I have a cute picture of us from dated party, and by cute i mean i look cute and you look drunk" Tarbs

"dude you were so drunk you thought you went up to some deaf girls and thought you knew sign language, in relaity you were just flailing your arms and creeping them out" Dempey to Baby Josh

i;ll give out head like its candy at a bank, but sex, no - Judy

kid in my class "we should have election day off"

teacher "all you would do is get drunk and vote"

kid "hey at least wed be voting"

"They have 2ply with aloe, my ass is singing right now" Justin

"i want the girl i marry to have been with like 100 guys... you dont want her to suck from inexperience" Crazy Josh

Josh "dude where you going, i didnt think you have class on fridays"

Me "Uh its wednesday"

Josh "oooo

"If blind people cant watch porn, how do they masturbate?" Chloe

"Ive been stealing TP from the frat house its like half ply...you could sand furniture with that stuff"

"yeah man i got my hands on some 2 ply with lotion the other day im so used to the other stuff i only needed like one square" Conversation at neighbors

"damn that bitch got fat, her ass looks like hail damaged, all dimpled and shit" Chris

"we would have gotten here sooner if that damn hobo hadnt given us bum directions" kid in group project

"it tastes like lemonade and juicy sweet goodness!" Peach at our jungle juice party

Malibu B 02: if I was gonna be murdered, i would really want you to be the one that killed me

Malibu B 02: i just feel like you would be creative

"echhh that smells like cancer" - Greg after farting

"wait did i just win or did i just lose" Greg after i beat him in a puke till you cant anymore contest

"I had a friend named Aaron in highschool who was in a wheelchair..we used to rag on him pretty good..'look aarons so drunk he can't walk!" Crazy Josh

"I was trying to hook up with the cute one, but then i jsut got drunk and lazy and hooked up with the fat ugly one" Crazy Josh

""there was like six of us sitting there and then Josh (my roomate) ran upstairs buck naked holding his junk grabbed the condoms off the living room table and ran back into the basement with a big smile on his face" Greg

"i was in the kitchen after that giant hooked up with greg, she was as tall as the door and all i could say was "ohh shittt" -Josh

Crazy Josh: Hey Chloe how would you feel about a threesome

Chloe (my roommate) Well I wouldn’t want to have it with a stranger…I mean with my roommates maybe…but I prob wouldn’t want to know the girl"

" I got back to this girls place and I realized I wasn’t drunk enough to hook up with her, so I found a bottle of gin and chugged it, I almost puked all over the kitchen"

"I woke up and saw greg just pissing off the side of his bed, then he rolled over and just pissed straight up into the air and all over himself" Crazy Josh

"yeah frankel uses that foreman all the time, I think he actually spends more time with it than he has with girls" Zach

"its not that I hate black people…I just hate people that don’t tip, and that happens to be black people" TJ

"theres that laotian whore that lives down the street from us"

"yeah man she looks rough"

"yeah she definelty spent time in Cambodia…you know..with machetes and shit"

"so officer you like stuff?"

"what?"

"ya know…like things.."

"I have no idea what youre talking about

"well whats your opinion on president Bush?"

Ducks conversation with a police officer

"hes your friend you go see if hes alive" conversation outside my bedroom door after a night of heavy drinking

"Tyler why am I in your bed?" Ducks misadventures in drinking

I karate puked last night, hiyacchhhhhkkk Mikey while karate chopping

So are you going to explain why you were in our house at 4am wearing only a hostess cake costume – our neighbors

Gabe (hungover): I feel like i just got ass raped by the bad news bears

Zach youre going to lose your virginity even if i have to put on rubber gloves and physically put your penis in a vagina - Mikey

(Felch looking at a fat girl) how much veal you going to make with them calves

(Mikey and Gabe watching 'Miracle')

Dude you know Americas going to win anyway

dammit Mikey you ruined Titanic the same way

"i blew this guy!" some sluts announcement after giving mike a hummer'

nothing can beat the dildos ive seen, they have double sided penetration, inside and out _ Jen Cirincione

Shire:"if i ever get tired of masturbation send me a postcard telling me to kill myself"

Me:"a post card?"

Shire: "its the most gentle way"

Crazy"yeah some of the guys [in KA] have hot girlfriends...but other guys could stick it in a beehive"

KA guy eyeing a fat girl: "speaking of that i'm going to go make the tackle"

"Being at cornerstone for women's penny drafts is like hunting wounded antelope...'i got that one stumbling down the stairs'...'i got that one puking in the trash can'" Crazy

"I say the first girl that gets banged in our house, everyone comes in the room shaking a bible wearing face paint and screeching like a dinosaur. Somebody can wear a hat with antlers and someone else get the adult diapers." Mike/Gabe

"Zach youre going to lose your virginity even if i have to put on rubber gloves and put your penis in a vagina" Mike

"hey theres a cemetary...that reminds me i need to get my mom a mothers day card" Mike

"theres only two times a man can cry 1)when his friend is dying 2) when he witnesses a heroic dog act to save his master"

Gabe: I once saw the face of god

Mike: what he say?

Gabe: if i ever drank like that again, he'd kill me

"yeah shes got this mole on her wrist and i cant stop focusing on it, we were having sex and i was just staring at it, i went limp and just said "uh must be the drugs" Shire

"I think he wants to be jake, not like in a idol way, more like he wants to kill him and wear his skin and pretend to be him way" Shire

"im a good liar...you think its because i have squinty eyes...nope...its because im dead inside" Haj

"Jesse u pooping?" me

"dude..fuck no...i make doody" Jesse

Me: "who was that girl, shes hot"

Grant "oh that one, well you talked to her for a while last time we went to 94th, unfortunately you blacked out the whole time, and instead of going home with her decided to run through Beltsville and eventually hook up with an ugly girl. By the way good job on that."

"my son told me the bathroom was at the end of the hall, so i go down there but it must have been the wrong door, i walk in and theres two people humpin each other in there all drunk" Mr Chouaka

Shire "what happened to that one girl you hooked up with?"

Me "I think shes back with her boyfriend"

Shire "well at least you didnt turn her gay or something"

Me: Dude i think youre sisters upset with me from when we were dating

Amir: yeah i think she hates your guts and never wants to talk to you again, but dont take it personally

"remember you dont want to fall in love with a girl, but instead you want them to fall in love with you....thats when you can do anything to them...and i mean annnnything." Merv

Grant: we're all cracked out

Nate: youre cracked out? No Im cracked out, i was in acapuolco all week, i actually did crack!

"you know how i do" Halbiesen, after he wakes up and pukes out of the car going 90mph

"aww fuck, theres an asian guy, i should have puked on his car" Halbiesen again

"I was going to introduce you but shes a giant slut, and her tits are fake....wait you like that?" Katelyn, thanks a lot, i hate you.

"you think shes attractive?, her face is concave" Justin

Justin "yeah nice girl...but she had the personality of a stick"

Doug "my theory is that the only sober fun comes from destruction"

"whats pestilence? I want some!" Jennings

Girl Scout: Hey mister, would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?

Conrad: yeah give me a hit of blue, wait, theres too much heat. Stay cool, stay cool.

"it feels like a trains going through my ass...choo choo" Jesse

Jennings: "that girls got a phat ass"

Castillo:"uh dude....... thats a guy"

Me: "Jesse why is their a head xray on your wall, i thought you broke your hand"

Jesse: "Oh thats not mine, we stole it from this guy whos name is apparently Tyresse, and from what we can tell it looks like his head is pretty fucked up"

"fight with fists!....not words!" Haj

"this girl like raped me last night....i loved it!" Nate

"youre looking rather cracktastic" Haj

"theres a term for a girl with a nice body and a bad face but no the other way around..it should be like toast, cause one sides burned..or maybe crop..like photo cropping..you know i want to crop that shit" I dont know who said this

"hey Josh want to help us bring down the organized religion of the world?" jake/jesse

"I cant wait to lift so much i bleed...or puke!" Haj

"id bang her but shes a bitch, so id bang her then just run away" Grant on Coral from the real world

(jake as he tastes my twist on jungle juice) Josh, although you seem to fail miserably at everything else in your life, this is pretty good

"its funny watching Joshs game because he doesnt have game"

"yeah he has like anti-game"

"yeah hes def an anti game missle"

conversation by my brothers

Danza slap - n.

Slapping a woman's face with your penis. Refers to the urban legend that the actor Tony Danza starred in adult movies where he performed this act.

-------

Reader note: For a true Danza slap to have taken place - after the slap, the slapper has to raise his arms triumphantly and say "Who's the Boss!" - Mueller

"she was a nice girl, but face like a shovel" JD

"theres nothing like a trip through Virginia to rekindle the ol' hatred for black people" JD

"i gotta a little stank on the hangdown" Greg saying he has a girl

"Zach your so godamn tall if you did a cartwheel youd prob kick god in the face" someone to Z Howard

"he was showing this slide show and this amazingly hot chinese or japanese chick popped up and everyone was like o0o0o0o, and he turns and looks at it, and says yep, she was only 16, I didn't know that at the time, so we all start laughing and he's like but seriously I was true gentleman........ I always said thank you" Dutch SAE

Muelfest: I don't wanna grow up,

I'm a john archer kid,

my mom smoked pot and look what it did,

my arms are too short,

and my head is too fat,

and when I get excited I go like that (person tries to bite their right ear while beating their chest)

Muelfest: I call it.... Ode to Trisomy 21

"dude i want some girl to let a big nasty fart out, it be hot if some bitch sent a bisquit my way" TJ

"as gay as this sounds...im gettin the coolest book ever!" Shire

"honeslty Jennings criteria for a girl is an ass and no penis" ???

"shes not my fuck buddy, i havent even kissed her, she calls me like were dating but we only spoon" this is courtesy wilhelm, i put this on here to ponder whether or not he was born with a penis or if rather it fell off

"remember if youre going to drive drunk...the cops can see you coming...but not if you turn your headlights off" TJ

"you want to fight like men, or talk...like words....like Brittish men...youre not Brittish are you?" Jennings

"I feel like if greek week were less games and more just drinking and fighting our house would win every time" Percivalli

"im a jew" me

"me too" gabby

"yay me too. if hitler were here hed kill us" Jesse

"I dont understand...I drink everyday and im not an alcoholic" Jesses relevation

Justin on hernia surgery :JMarkel9: feels like somone is constently kicking you in the nuts with a golf cleat

"we should have our pledges raise 500$ and then the next day they have to plan their own funerals...for 500$ or less" Jake

"it was a good night last night....i fingered this girl till she bled" Jesse

"I consider Billy my friend...any by friend i mean hes the kind fo guy that goes out and gets 2 blowjobs and comes back and give you one." John the cook

Muelfest: you could have said that we were going to suck on rubbing alcohol pads and I'd care less.... either way we're getting shitty

"Hey...c'mon baby...touch me where i pee from" Jeffs pickup line

"my friend made 6 copies of that movie you see in the ring on a blank tape, just the part where they are viewing the video, then he left them in the school audio visual library" Pat

"if your dick was as big as your ball you wouldnt have to worry about getting a job" my dad

"I think balls are cool" Patty as i hold mine

"my liver considers me osama bin drinkin" Will

"there is so much information and its all heading twoard the funnel in my brain, and its all jammed up and not goin in " Doug as he eats peanut butter with a pen at 5am before our final

"remember evertime you masturbate god kills a kitten"

"everytime i masturbate i kill a kitten"

"i cant masturbate till i kill a kitten"

"we super glued mr atkins classroom doors shut the other day, were going to tell him w feel bad at the end of the year and give him a gift certificate to outback, only its going to have 1$ dollar on it" Duke

"lets tell res life all the holes in the wall in the house is from our time capsule project, like we were putting shit in there for people 10 years from now" Flank

"that girls tits look....scrumptous" Doug

"i think we should have the pledges kill a homeless guy, it would bring them together, plus its not like he has a family or anything" Theo

Joe: youre the one that said you wanted to piss on a girl

Doug: no man, an asian girl!

"i say we get a circus tent for the row, and all do e" flanks suggestion for greek week events

Haj "then were playing capture the flag"

Rae "whats that?"

Ben "they dont have capture-the-flag in the mideast....its more like run-through -the-minefield"

"i had a condom and a trashbag - full body condom" Wirth

"but i heard he was like Terminigger" JD about my black neigbor running after his car

"If i was going to be president id make a law that all protesters get put on the front line, only they dont get to fight with guns, just axes, see how those sissies like that"

"dude my feet are so cold from walking in the snow, its a good thing i have legs otherwise my testicles would be that cold" jennings

"Jake! Jake! guess what? Im going to snort worms for charity!" Jennings

"im going to get a gun...and stab you" Joe

"i knew a guy who kept an alligator as a pet in a bathroom...it was the scarriest shit i ever took" Shane

"yeah my friend peed on his office chair once..he whips it out right in front of a room full of people...one guys like 'steve what the fuck are you doing' and he just looks back and says easy dude i dont need stagefright"

worchester RA walking DUG home: would u please zip ur pants up

DUG: yo...fuck...dude...yo

"my rule is that you have to start every sentence with 'Karl Malone says' and address everyone as Karl malone Shauns craziest rule for kings ever

"thats okay, i just wans;t sure why all of a sudden me in bed was sounding like the holocaust" Racheal

"when my brother wasnt trying to kill me he showed me how to throw a football, skateboard, hit a bong aand 69..with my barbies...that was traumatic" Marissa

"dude shes so tiny id spin her around on my dick like wheel of fortune..oh...looks like someones winning a trip to poo-nanyland"

"gotta watch out for those little oriental people theyre pretty smart" my grandma

Nick (my old roomate) yo did i tell you about my new roomate..he like board games and dragons

(convo at horserace)

John shouting at jockey: Carrrl ... you suck!

little girl: thats my dad!

J: good, tell him he owes me 8 bucks

LG: my dad makes more money than you ever will

J: im still taller than him

"Matt, my sperm could kick your sperms ass" Joe

"please do not refer to my prophet as a gay homo" Duke, mormon at large

"youre hungry?...eat another beer" Nick

"yea we steal from the food drive here at school" Megan Vessely, college student

"Id fuck her till my dick fell off- then id buy a fake one just so i could keep fucking her" Justin

"we should have pregamed" Sean at the Kofi Annan lecture

"dude you came at me like a tornado out of hell...like a bat.... in a tornado " Nick high after i wave my arms

"Im not a soristute" Kelly on sororities

"Id fuck that girl.....after 80 beers!" Doug on Kelly, actual number of beers 13

"Dougs music is along the lines of 'Im thinking about hanging my baby'" Nick

"I dont see why we make handicapped ramps, we shouldnt reward cripples, we should punish them for having lazy legs" Duke

"they handed out rape whistels at my friends college, and right in the middle of one of his exams a kid stands up blows the rape whistle and yells 'this test is raping me!!' then they kicked him out an all" Nick

"dude we cant let him run off hell get killed" Joe

"its cold out, besides hell prob just get hurt" ?

"yeah good point lets go to bed" Joe

as PJ runs into the woods drunk

"we need a system for when the RA walks by..like a system of knocks and lanterns" Sean

(Nick while watching the comercial with the voodoo guy) "whenever i see that guy i think two things: New Orleans...and Hell"

"I didnt pass out...i just placed myself on the ground" Greg

"I got to go to that store that sells books...whats it called..uh..the bookstore" Roberto the RA (resident alcoholic)

"what if we could download china men to work for us?" Nick

"if only we could download beer" Joe

"wrestling is gonna bend me over like an afganistan hooker after the fall of the Taliban" Tim

"It is so hot in here...if killing people lowered the heat, i murder everyone on the floor" Nick

"my least two favorite things on earth have to be Judge Judy and keg lines" some kid at a party

Nick: im not going to sleep

me: you have to

Nick (high and holding up a piece of paper): dude this is sleep, and this is me, do you see me going in there?

"Id have given my other testicle to see him puke" Joe

"she wears to much makeup...you better fuck it off of her" Joe

josh: that girls gums are hideous, NOW THAT is a case of gingivitus.

nick: oh well she'll prob. have plenty of time to do well in school.

josh: yeah

nick: actually no dude, the profesor will probably fail her for that shit.

"this bitch dared me to eat a bag of salt...my stomach hurts like hell but i showed her... worst ive ever felt like puking while sober" Scott

"If you going to fuck her brains out, you might as well start out with less to fuck" Doug on dumb girls

"sure shes got a lot of AP credits, but its not like shes going anywhere with those gums of hers" Nick

"I took codeine and drankk beer one time, it was like being in a blackhole, I reached down to pick something up and my arm went on forever" Doug

"we used to have a scale for drunkeness it went goblined next was gremlined then came semi monstered, then monstered and finally the drunkest person at the party was fucktar" Joe

"i think he needed to hosed off after the movie" Stef about Justin watching 'Blue Crush'

"we gotta go save michalack and zaders sweet virgin asses" Lewis as Mich and Zader get locked up

me: "I think im going to need some condiments for my dorm room"

my dad: "I already got them for you....wait I thought you said condoms...youll need those too"

"if she wasnt my third cousin...id probably hit" Gorub

"we had enough booze at senior week to get the whole Al-Qaeda drunk" Zach

"man the way hes into dinosaurs now, you know its going to be bad when hes into drugs" Andy

"now thats a hell-acious body" my dad about some hot girl

"that guys a dickhead" Justin about Lucky the lebrachaun from Lucky Charms

"Id fuck that girl till my dick fell off" Justin

"Mr Josh, why are you so evil?" Scott Wheeler

"every once in a while when my mom is being a bitch I like to remind her that nursing homes are cold dark lonely places" JD

"my son thinks this restaurant is the best thing since canned beer" Dave

"Id stick my meat in her taco - nacho grande baby" Rob

"Im going to be in juvey arent I Mr Josh" Ian Williams aka Satan

"well if it isnt captain no-work" Mr Jeff

"I think the guys in [this gym] are definetly missing a few strands of DNA" Beamer

"That reminds me of when my dad plays dodgeball with his retarded kids at his school..basically he hits them in the face with the ball and says "you will play dodgeball" Ves

"Mr Josh do you have to hit me in the head so hard with the ball?" God I love dodgeball at camp

"the freaking jap's it!" some 7 year old as the asian girl gets tagged

hey was that the Claire girl you were talking about Chris...she wasnt that ugly - Mr Wilhelm

you guys are going to be at your 10 year reuninon thinking 'man I should have tagged that girl - Mr Wilhelm

"hey Josh..come on in..were getting drunk" Stephs dad

I wish milk came out of my titties - JD

This season was like putting our fingers in a dyke - Mr Daniels

"every time you masturbate, god kills a kitten" Tim

"I must have 8 years of kittens piled up somewhere"Amy

"you know the girls like it Rabbit style" Holthaus

"Swanson gave us a note card to write down notes to help us on his final under this one gravitronic something or other we just wrote 'if chosen commit suicide'" Eaton

"anytime you watch a movie the hero gets shot a couple times in the chest and lives, while the chinese guy gets hit in the shin and dies...the chinese are such quitters" Eaton

"cause you know if she was a whore she'd {Beth E} have to be the best godamn one at it"

"Do you think Im made of money Kate...how about I bend over and you can pulll the money out of my ass!" Holthaus

Zach: what that elephant on the porch for?

BJ: to scare the niggers off

(as we drive through Baltimore)

"explosive catheder filled with glass shards" Will on what he belives to be the worst way to die

"Tim youre state champ...now you can be like Milk champ!" Walters as Tim tries to drink a gallon of milk in 1/2 hour

"I gave up porn when I was 8" Mr. Nelson

"i ought to crucify you boy!" Mr Adkins to Greg A

"I dont understand how guys can have an Asian fetish....why dont they just get a goldfish?" Duke

"the better you feed a girl the better she puts out...its like a barter system" Zach

"well after I thought about it...Id rather be second in the state than black" some guy who lost to a black guy

"Tommy Conlons mom does it for me...I wish I could see that lady take a dump" Coach Watson

"Callas looks like his father was a monkey and his mother a Komodo dragon" Duke

"If I had a penis- it would be hard right now" Cait

"oh shit I hope hes deaf too" after Cait asks the blindman why he has a dog in the mall

Pauly "just because those girls are ugly doesnt mean I shouldnt be friends with them"

Duke" what, are you some kind of freak!?

"The more bald you get the less head you get...I havent been blown since nam" Watson

"When I see something bad happen to a chinese guy...I always wonder what his fortune cookie said that morning" Eaton

"When youre getting head...is it rude to change the channel?" Brian Owens

"I went to give me Mr Adkins a hug but he said 'get away from me....yo hands smell funny'" Zach

"Imagine you could get beer from the nipples...how cool would that be?" Eaton

"look at her legs....Ms Christ is built like a clydesdale" Tom

"Jackie Johnson...I bet that girl could suck start a Harley" Cody

"you know Flemming likes to take his temperature rectally...its not so much a thermometer as it is just a big stick with numbers on it" Duke

"hey, Im pretty clean for an Asian!" Travers

"So youre going to senior week huh? guess I'll have to give you the condoms Im not going to use" a most distubing quote from my dad

"I was clubbing him like a baby harp seal' Coach Watson about a fight he was in

"Id fuck the shit out of Brooke if my life depended on it" Megan

"you know - I was thinking ... women are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." - Tim

"hey, Im pretty clean for an Asian!" Travers

"Worst beating I ever got was from this tiny fisted gay ex marine...knocked the wind out of me with one punch with his little baby fist" Coach Watson

"I was getting all warmed up for my match and Im watching a real close match right before me..and just then my asst coach comes over and says 'that some melee and for the rest of my match I cant help but keep wondering what the hell melee means...I got mind fucked" Jake Stills

"somewhere along the way somebody slept with the milkman and now the rest of us gotta pay" Megan on her ethnicity

"you can still have fun...its not like the mono's on his penis" Caitlin to some girl in her weight training class

"I dont think you have the testicular fortitude" benomo

"awww Brooke dont feel bad...hell kill himself soon" Pat

"when I was a special ed helper I was this kid Toms assistant. Tom had tourrets, the worst being one day when we learning about Harriet Tubman in black history month, suddenly he shouts out "NIGGER NIGGER pants on fire!" Redish

"my brother had a roomate that played the tuba..one night he was walking back from practice and some rednecks pulled up in a pickup truck, shined the lights on him and shouted "hey sissy play your flute for us!"" Duke

"Keith god fired for being antisocial... and by antisocial I mean black" Startegis

"You know what was fun…mormom camp…oh wait…IT SUCKED BALLS" Duke

"so wait…you guys think that a baby is some type of reward for 9 months of labor, its not a popsicle!" Nelson

Duke:you have a hard match tommorow Omalley

Jon: what is he a state champ?

Duke:no no no....two time state champ

"shes the kind of woman that needs a 2500 lb of pressure be-day" Watson, on Hemmis

"the only thing I think that could be uglier than Jon Wainwrights ears are his herpified sack" Pat

"But coach...girls are like flowers and then you have to smash them....and I dont want to do that!" Bruno, after he learns he might wrestle a girl

"you know, I bet Nelson is a sex stallion" Vesely

"Its all fun and games until someone gets hard " Caitlin

Tims mom: why does Josh call you Quads

Tim: look how big my legs are mom!

Tims dad: is that why you call Josh "Dick"?

"you look at Callas and you just know his dad has to have a low calibur sack" Duke

"I think its funny that this cupcake[Micheal Jackson] sings 'Im Bad'"

"the trick is to pertend your in a porno ... treat her like the slut she is" Jon from the gym

"I hate that kid...I want to rip the kids head off, take it to his family, tell them "fuck you" and then kill them too!" Jared

"I was a loser as a kid....I wouldnt have been friends with me" Tim

"Matt, I think I know your problem.....you need sex" svilar

"its like all the girls I meet are part of some elite Bitch- Squad" Walters

"I was driving the other night and the headlights on the other side of the road looked really inviting" JD

"Tim tried to outdrink you?...that silly christian" Mueller

"i intend to play my cards carefully..you have to bluff when you have a penis like mine" JD

"Gotta love this darkroom...in my day we would have baked this thing up like a champ" Dempsey

"I'd give my tits to be one of Micheal Jackson's dancers!" Amy

"I'm taking consumer math…I think at one point the teacher asked the class to raise their hands if they knew Anything, anything at all" Will

"shes from Alabama, she has a southern accent..thats hot enough" Alex

"so we drove Romo out of teaching....Id still rock her fucking bony ass" Lewis

"shes my personal slut" Andy about Steph

"well we all like to have a good time" Mr Adkins after asks if he was a boozebag as a teenager

"yeah Mr Adkins we found a crapload of shit" Tacka

"when you meet a girl you should always pat her on the head, look for a flat head..then way when shes on her knees you have a cuprest" Coach Garvin

"I think the worst was when I was really drunk and was drunkedly wandering on the beach at night and I tripped, when I got up I realized I tripped over two people having sex, they were kinda pissed" Rutlidge

"Josh, straight up ---girls like assholes" an insight from Shibbahn

"Tommy Conlon is the kind of person that remind me of silly putty, you can squish and mash him and just kind of bounces back..."

"its my senior year, if I pick up a pencil, its to move it out of my way" Brooke

"she was drunk and half naked..by my standards thats just like shes askin me" Lewis

"any man that can handle copious ammounts of vodka only to stutter the words 'Russian power' is truly from hell" Brian Lewis, on why I am Satan

"you guys are really starting to believe animals have consciousness...'oh look the dogs happy to see me! he's wagging his tail!' for all you know he could be masturbating!" Nelson

"I dont have the heart to tell her that any guy that wants to talk to her about her feelings is probably gay" Pat

Its like going to a job interview and the interviewer/boss telling you "Well, you are more than qualified for the job in every aspect. However, we aren't going to hire you. We are going to hire someone significantly less qualitified and we are also going to call you to complain about their behavior JD about girls

"You dont think its hot in here.. I must be going through menopause or something" Katelyn

"Life is like a very big man, quite scary sometimes, but you have to grab him by the balls and make him your bitch, for he who has the balls has life in his hands" Mueller

"the problem with the education system is that its not like I can rip the sucker from the womb and start doing learning experiments on him" Mr Nelson

"the tech teachers a black guy...does he spend the whole time trying to get you guys to build him a house....homeless nigger" Lazzaro

"I think Im going to homecomming with question mark, at least she has curves in all the right places..." Tim

"I have nothing left to give!" Chris as his food poisoning gets the best of him

"damn smirnoffs... I think Im gonna get a sugar high before I get drunk" Andrew

"Hey frankel know whats better than winning the special olympics?.....having legs" Duke

"I have a good senior prank..but first we have to see if we can buy dildos in bulk" Andrew

"Ms thorton is the exerobics nazi" Beth R

"I think women find Tim attractive until they talk to him for any extended period of time" Callas

"damn dick lightbulb ..Thomas Edison didnt tell you this shit was going to happen" Mr Rose

"too bad my dress is silk...Im going to get beer all over it" Patty

"look they now have 'billard gloves', I just want to know what kind of tricky pirates are playing pool these days" Walters

Me: I think this year Im going to wear a bag over my head that says 'captain' that way no one can put my face to the sucky wrestling team we are going to have

Lazzaro: you probably shouldnt even cutout eye holes, cuz then you have to watch them

"yeah Josh youre like my peg leg Joe coming to carry me to freedom in the north, and Tim youre like Harriet Tubman lady with the broom and apron...wait thats Aunt Jemima" a very stoned Derrick Nestor

"Fuhq u Hakeeb u dun fukt up!" painted on the back of some hicks truck

Megan "maybe the US deserves this attack on the world trade center for assering its dominance in the world"

Jared "maybe we should strap you to a bomb and drop you on Afghanistan"

"at first I thought that maybe the girl Drew was going out with was a slut, but then I thought that Drew probably couldnt get a slut.." Strategis

"Mr Tacka if you have something to say raise your hand.... Mr Tacka put your hand down" Mr Adkins

"I have an idea for senior prank...first did you know cows will climb up stairs and not down them......" Jared

"I wanna hit his nuts with a car antennae"

Duke

I hear you guys cant freak at dances. Id tell them to lick my ass, bend the girl over backward and start making babies - Hardy

my advice to you for your senior year is that every idea that came across in your mind that you thought was dumb, crazy, or illegal----DO IT!!!! Hardy

Steph: "I wonder if I can get anything free in the mall"

Brownie: "you probably could, mall-whore!"

"I figured out how to get booze for free- I call it Beerjacking - you wait till its dark and then you raid the fridge in an open garage" -Chris

"well Brent, since youre sitting next to Jillian and shes not drinking, you get to be asshole with benefits!" - not sure on this one

"now that Im going to college in a few days, I try to make awkward situations...the other day I was just driving along with a girl I know, and suddenly I just said 'hey you know what, maybe I like you..maybe I dont' I got a little chuckle to myself in the long silence that followed" Alex

"its getting near the end of camp I figure Im going to play dead on the mats...then when of the little guys comes over....WHAM..bodyslam" Mr Alex

"nuh-uh..if Mr Josh was famous he wouldnt be working a low paying job like this!" smart 9 yr old

"I had such a day yesterday, the kids were so bad I thought I was going to have to be sedated." Ms Vanessa

"being a master tutor even though its an easy A sucks so bad cuz all you do is deal with thugs, and fuckin idiots and sometimes you have to deal with god damn cripples fuckin retards drooling and twitching all over the place" Lazzaro

"I don’t like camping particularly…you know that if theres a serial killer in the woods the black guys going first" Mike Taylor [black guy I work with]

"Id F the MIL out of that MILF" Mike

"Natty Ice ..it may be 5.9% alcohol but the 94.1% is all asshole" Brooke

"they spotted Satchmo in the woods the other day" Tacka (drunk)

"I was going to go see the Planet of the Apes movie..but I figured I could drive down to Edgewood for less money.." Duke

"Everytime Im working with these kids Im thinking about the Linkin Park song One Step Closer to the Edge...'shut up when talking to you..cause Im one step closer to the edge and about to break'" Mr Brent

"I hoipe you guys don't mind, but we say what's on our minds - and right now... I'm thinkin about DICK" some sluts to Tim and Tommy

"sometimes its the little things with a girl...I once broke up with a girl because of the way she ran...it was awful..thumbs in the air…. feet out sideways..." Coach Reddish

"thats the kinda girl that fucks you" not sure who said this one but it was about some hoss

""we may look like we have ADD, but we're hot!"" Amy

"Even the goblin-boy is getting some!" Duke

<Paulie looking at a female wrestler> "thats the kinda girl that you take home and when you go to take off your pants, she says 'no thanks I brought my own' "

"your father may not have much but it rises to the occasion" My dads girlfriend

Im Old, I dont have to apologize and frankly I dont give a damn! My Great Aunt

"dirty mexicans, I always felt the need to take a bath while I was down there [Cancun]" Amy

"flirting is like hunting with an uzi - you keep shooting until you hit something" Beamer

"Im a dick chick!" Brooke on lesbianism

"drink till theyre white Frankel" Mueller as black porn comes on

"Yo-boys?...no where we come from we call them Motherfuckers....cause theyre always saying 'hey

"whenever were down there [Pikesville] its like one half of the place is Jewish, one half is black...and then theres me and my girlfriend...if theres a war..we aint winning it" Coach Micheals

"with a name like Japeth...you know hes going to grow up and sell crack" Mr Alex

"the auto auction is a good place to get a car...you can get a car and a stash of crack for like two grand" Mr Jeff

"party in the darkness!!!" Druken Tacka as Michalak turns the lights off on him

"Im not a racist.... I own a color TV...and if any black man tried to take it -- Shotgun to the head!" Jared

"you really cant hit a girl, the only thing you can do is shake them a lot" -Greg A

"hey Josh can you tell me something...why is the Y chromosome so FUCKED UP!!!?" anyone want to defend the male species to Kate?

"he's getting all relationshipy on me!" Brooke

"and if handy was that proud of him [his dad], dont you think he would have had him come to talk to us instead of the gimp?" -Kim

"hey Josh I saw your dad at the athletic club...he was hitting on some lesbian" Jen K ( daddy why is new mommy a dyke?)

"Tim...is Josh a big drinker...I can just see him as one.... I mean his father doesnt strike me as the most soberest man" Mrs Kassouf

"its good to see your jew ass is still alive" Dave

"sex is probably the most fufilling sensation you guys will ever feel...good sex is probably the key to a fuffilling life" Mr Brown raptor arm at large

"well theres one thing you can say about [dating ] ugly women...at least theyre greatful" - my dad

"yeah for a black man [Mr Adkins] he has strong morals " Tacka after Mr Adkins declines his offer to a drinking contest

"yeah man after that movie {Pearl Harbor} you want to go out and kill a bunch of Japs" -Duke

"funny how Im the anti-christ and I look so gorgeous, and he's jesus best friend and he looks like a mutant"

-Lazzaro

"Hes Asian! I thought he just looked weird and squinted alot" Dianna about Jon Travers

"u aint screwin her brain" Beamer

"yeah parapelegics are fun to pick on they cant chase you and even if they do what are they going to do?....

cripples can pick on cripples but you walkies can't"

Sergeant Majors - tripple amputee

"eww thats like he sticking it in your shit" - Amy on anal sex

Amy after a few too many beers, looking at a can "whos Miller?"

"how could Flemming mispronounce his name...Its Michalak...like Michelob...." my mom

"Mike who....oh Kimball...I already erased his name from my memory" Mrs Romanelli

"I should have been born Ricky Martin...my life would be so much easier" not a good thing I heard from my dentist

"if the old enough to crawl ther already in the right postion" - Cubbage

"na i like the dreads, you grab onto them things and she ant goin anywhere" - Cubbage

" can you imagine what Mr Adkings shits smell like...you know those things have to stink" - Ryan Hughes

"is gum like a drug in your school too? I mean everybody always wants a peice and they come up to you saying ' hey man you got gum, Ive been feening all day'" - Tyler H

well we all cant be good at everything---your obviously good at screwing things up though" - Hardy

"...actually I need to get a gut...I'm like indented!" - Holthaus

"Ittttssss DONKEY PENIS TIME!" - Jared

"I can't factor the GODAMN polynomial!!! - Kim

"Brooke's favorite Hostess cake is a HO-HO!!!" -Gina

(Cheetah = black wrestler from J-town)

"Hey Cheetah looks like someone needs to get in shape...youre sweatin like you stole something" - Coach Watson

i was driving through it and i saw an african hair braiding salon, at that point i realized i was way outta place and that i should hide my KKK hood -Dave

I have only two weaknesses: one being scared of things put near my eye...and the other: skanks - Corry

Sams sister: it all my booze (shes 21)

cop: If your going to drink all that I want to shake your hand!

"If I was going to end it all I think Id be a bus driver.. I mean you could take like 40 people with you...a bus driver or a pilot" -Pat

"I'd sexually assault that" Tacka

"our friends are too boring to hate you!" Brooke

"this aint the state penitentary and my name aint Tutti-Fruti" Pumphrees

"so you dont care really about what a girl likes in music...do you just outright ask if she likes top or bottom!!?!?" my dads girlfriend

"Our school is looking pretty tribal, you know that one day a bunch of em are gonna be banging their forks against their trays chanting zulu zulu zulu zulu"

"I was born without motivation...I was born three days late, what does that tell you?... I mean I was just there chilling in the uterus..." - Steph

"Don't Latinos speak Latin?" katelyn

"mostly I just got in fights" my dad on what he did in college

"he's a good drunk driver!" Steph -Andy

"she could take a wolverine on with that low center of gravity" Chris on Dianna

"I am so exhausted.....I feel like I was dragged through a cow, and beaten with a bag of shit" - Mr. Bittle

"hes just so dumb that he doesnt feel pain hes like a machine" Red explaining Michalaks abilities

"Id break that girl in half!" Holhaus

"screw that chink! we need the grades!" - Lewis on ethics

"possesive wench"

- my dad to his current girlfriend

"If it has beer, then it meets my standards" - Brooke, on college

"I just can't say no to a guy.....well Frankel I could say no to you....." - Brooke

"dont hate the player, hate the game" -Pat

"If I wasn't Mormon...I would be all over that [girl]"

"crazy chinese....eyes are for seeing" Corry

"objective one has been accomplished: the cops have come, now for objective two..." Halbiesen

"what was the point of Shane telling me he needed to have his chest waxed, I had nightmares..." -Beth

"I have to go to these mini scared straight things, some big black man is going to be 'Boy..put yo' hand in my pocket'" -Dave

"yeah a boy your size got raped to death last year"

-inmate talking to Dave

"yep, Smirnoff has become quite the favorite of the raging teenage alcoholic"

-Will

"yeah, thats some Prime Rib right there"

- Duke about the ass of a female who will go nameless

who most represents pure evil?

a) Rasputin

b) Hannibal

c) Vlad the Impaler

c) Mrs. Belinko

"you just gotta change it up...one day of liquor, one of beer..u know how it is" -Lazzaro

"yeah when I met her she seemed like a moody menoupasal old lady" - My dad, about Belinko

"Lori, ah yes... I remember that dirty snatch of a woman" -Tyler

"well, maybe you should have thought of that before you were chinese"- Duke

"when you think about it, we are no better than the Visigoths"- Kim

"your like a championship bass, i dont know whether to mount you or eat you" -pickup line courtesy of Tommy Conlon

"i fear for his life every hour, on the hour"

Lazzaro, on Michalak

Kim: Dad, the guy I'm going to the dance with has a black eye...

Kim's dad: YOURE GOING WITH A BLACK GUY!!??

Everyone Loves the Fat Girl!!

Mr. Roll, as Steph unhinges her jaw to eat a candy bar

"like i said: my vocabulary is limited to sexual phrases, curse words, and racial slurs"

- Lazzaro

"spiggersteins!"

- Mexican, Black, Jewish stepchildren

the worst thing you can tell a person that likes you is "i just want to be friends". if you are my friend you must like my personality, so the only reason you wouldnt go out with me would be...looks, wow that really seems terrible when you break it down like that.

- Alex

It's a penis embargo!

-Pat

"Plug it Up!"

Brooke, on tampons

"[listening to U2] Hey Frankel was it a 'Sunday Bloody Sunday' when you guys killed Jesus'"?

Dave Lazzaro

"Everyone Loves the Fat Girl!!"

Mr. Roll, while Steph unhinges her jaw to eat a candy bar