(NO
ANIMALS WERE HURT DURING THIS PRODUCTION, AND HOPEFULLY NO COPYRIGHTS WERE
INFRINGED UPON)
FRIDAY
JULY 15, 2004
www.fridayfunnies.com
THE POWER OF PRAYER
After starting a new diet, I altered my drive to town to avoid passing my favorite bakery.
I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies.
I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, "Lord, it's up to you.... If you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery."
And sure enough, He answered my prayer...on the eighth time round the block, there it was!
THE MOWER
Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in.
Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again he handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
He will be just fine when they take the casts off.
BAD DAY
My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.
"It was the worst day of my life," replied the man. "This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane. When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out.
"On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, 'Don't you have any cold beer?!'
"The bartender said, 'Sorry, but we've been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'"
"My mom is very possessive. She calls me up and says things like, 'You weren't home last night. Is something gong on?'
I say, 'Yeah Mom, I'm cheating on you with another mother.'" URINALS
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack in Kentucky (Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am, "he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."
THE LANDLORD
A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $800."
"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"
They sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.
RETIREMENT
For 40 years my grandfather put in long hours at his job, so I was more than a little curious about the way he filled his days since his retirement. "How has life changed?" I asked.
A man of few words, he replied, "Well, I get up in the morning with nothing to do, and I go to bed at night with it half-done."
DOWN THE HALL
The current scandals over how large companies have been cooking the books reminds me of a basic accounting course I took years ago. The professor was explaining an accounting method called First In Last Out, which is useful for industries that accumulate large inventories of stuff. It explains why the oil industry, for example, reported huge profits during the 1970's when the oil
shortage occurred. They stopped buying oil, so they had to use oil that, on paper, had been purchased in the 1930's at 20¢ a barrel. They of course sold it at current market prices, which accounted for their huge profits. One of the students put up his hand and said, "Excuse me, sir, but that doesn't sound very ethical to me."
To which the professor replied, "You're in the wrong class, son, this is Accounting 101. Ethics 101 is down the hall."
RE-RELEASES
Some of our old favorites have now been re-released. The following songs are on a new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Gray: Re-heated Oldies."
Paul Simon -- "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver" DIET OF ASPARAGUS
A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great gathering of holy men, philosophers, and aspiring Buddha's. They represented all aspects of belief and seeking, including one aged guru who was reputed to have achieved nirvana by subsisting entirely on a diet of asparagus. Our traveler was astonished, when, in a sudden mountain shower, all of the participants in this conclave were drenched, except the asparagus-eater. The rain simply avoided falling on him, as if he were roofed. "That's incredible", said the traveler.
"Not at all", said his native guide, "for is it not sung of in America, even on Broadway, 'Bliss is the awning of the Sage of Asparagus'."
JUST IN CASE
Eight and a half months very pregnant with twins, I was used to getting nervous glances from strangers. But I never realized how imposing I was until my husband and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant.
The hostess sat us at our table, took one long look at my stomach and asked, "Would you like me to get you a high chair just in case?"
HOLLYWOOD PARTY
There's a big Hollywood party and all the stars are there: Demi, Ashton, Brad, Pamela, etc. Mick Jagger is there and decides to hit on Kate Moss. But she turns him down flat. It just goes to show you:
A Rolling Stone gathers no Moss.
--Heidi Joyce
Carly Simon -- 'You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees -- "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack -- "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash -- "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations -- "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra -- "These Boots Are Made For Bunions"
ABBA -- "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer -- "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores -- "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"
Procol Harem -- "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
Steely Dan -- "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"
Herman's Hermits -- "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
Credence Clearwater Revival -- "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye -- "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who -- "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs -- "Bald Thing"
