THE MOTH AND THE FLAME
by
Margaret Marr

Something woke Lizzy Norris. She was sure of it, but couldn't remember what it was. She ran her hand across the queen size bed and felt nothing, but the cold, rumpled sheets.
Bill was gone.
She sat up and groped across the bed again in case she had somehow missed him. Giving up, she snapped on the bedside lamp.
He was still gone.
"No, not again." She groaned and sat Indian style, unsure of what to do now. Should she wait like before? The waiting had been unbearable the last time. "Why does he do this to me?" she cried.
Bile rose in her mouth, and she stumbled to the bathroom and gagged into the commode. "It's not morning yet,” she complained to the bathroom tile. Technically it was, the clock showed five after twelve.
She rested against the wall, until the chill from the floor prompted her to move back to the bed. Tempted to go back to sleep, she lay down and closed her eyes. A few
minutes later, she jerked awake. "Come on , Lizzy, you have to go find him this time," she told herself.
A lukewarm shower and a cup of hot cocoa made her feel a little better, though she wasn't sure the cocoa was going to stay down. She slipped on a warm sweater and grabbed her keys and purse from the coffee table and stepped out on the porch. What now? she wondered.
Calvin would help her. He'd been her best friend since high school. He'd do anything for her.
She drove the short distance to Calvin's house and pulled around to the back. The moon cast a pale glow on the rock walk to the back door, providing adequate light for Lizzy to see where she was going.
She arrived at the back door and beat against it for a minute or so. "Calvin!" she called and beat harder on the door.
A dog barked and two more joined in. "I'm sure the neighbors appreciate this," she mumbled and rubbed her aching head. "Calvin, wake up!" she yelled.
The sound of latches scraping on the other side assured her, that she at least got him out of bed. The door eased open and Calvin peeked out at her. "Lizzy?" He blinked and looked again.
"Thank goodness I got you to wake up." She moved past him into the narrow hall.
Calvin stood with the door wide open, a bewildered look on his face.
"He's gone again." Tears welled up in her eyes, and she brushed them away.

He ran his hands through his shoulder length, brown hair, messy from sleep and rubbed his face. He pulled her into his embrace. "I'm sorry," he mumbled.
"I need you to help me find him," she said, her voice muffled by his bare chest.
"Okay, we'll go first thing in the morning."
"No, we have to go now." She moved away from him and took a deep breath.
He stared at her for a few seconds and then sighed. "I'll throw on some clothes." He headed for the stairs and disappeared out of sight.
Lizzy swallowed the lump in her throat, but it wouldn't go down. The acrid taste filled her mouth, and she knew she was close to throwing up. A frantic search of the cupboards turned up nothing, but boxes of Lipton's Cup-a-Soup and Macaroni and Cheese. "It looks like, with all this soup, he'd have a box of crackers," she said under her breath and sat down at the table and buried her face in her hands.
"What do you need?" He came into the kitchen hopping on one foot, as he tried to put his other shoe on. His hair was freshly combed, and his face was wet from a splash of water.
Lizzy felt bad about waking him up, but he was the only person she could turn to. And tonight she needed a friend. "Crackers." She fought the nausea.
"Here." He opened a drawer and tossed her a half full package. "Maybe you should go back to bed. You look a little pale."
"I'm fine." She grabbed his sleeve and pulled him toward the door. The need to find Bill was greater than her need for rest.
They sat in silence as Calvin drove down dimly lit streets, past flashing hotel signs and the occasional late night pedestrian.
Lizzy ran her hand over her stomach. What if he stayed away too long? she wondered. It would be obvious why they were getting married if he stayed gone longer than five months. What if she didn't find him? What if he never came back? She refused to think about those questions any longer.
"Just because a man can make a baby, doesn't mean he can be a father." Calvin glanced at her, and then back at the road. He drove with one hand on the wheel and the other resting on the gear shift.
"How did you know?" she asked.
"I have five sisters," he answered and smiled.
"Right." She smiled back and felt a little better. "Pull over there." She pointed to the Recreation Park.
"Here?" He frowned and pulled off the road into the empty parking lot and stopped the car.
She jumped out and ran toward the swings and sat down and propelled herself toward the sky. Higher and higher she swung, feeling the air being sapped from her stomach each time she came back down. The urge to let go and fly as free and high as a bird was strong. It was the same feeling she got when she stood on the edge of a cliff several miles high. What would it be like to jump? There was something strangely erotic about the thought of plunging to her death from that great a height.
"Lizzy!" Calvin yelled.
She slowed and came back to earth.
"For a minute there, I thought you were going to fall," he said, worry creasing his brow.
She stared up at the stars. "It's been a long time since I gazed at the stars. Isn't it strange how they are always constant? I can look up and see the Little Dipper. It will never leave me or disappoint me. It'll be right there whenever I get the urge to look up." A tear slid off her chin. "This is where I met Bill. He came and pushed me in this same swing, like I was a little girl. We laughed about it. I thought he was great. What happened?" Her eyes sought Calvin's.
He shrugged. "I wouldn't treat you like he does," he said.
"No ... no you wouldn't." She smiled at him and sniffled. Why couldn't she be attracted to Calvin? He was safe and he was even good-looking. They always had fun together, he looked after her and cared for her. He would never leave her. But ... She let the thought trail off. She liked the bad boys, because she had this crazy idea that if she could tame one, make him fall in love with her, he'd love her forever. Perhaps, that was nothing more than romance novel rubbish. Perhaps, it was time to grow up and see what she was missing.
Back in the car, Lizzy stared out the passenger's window. They were on an unfamiliar gravel road. Places that used to know life, love and laughter stood cold and empty, like her heart. Along with the broken windows and caved in porches on the houses, the yards were choked with waist high weeds. Everything was gray and depressing. She took her eyes off the scenery and looked at her fingers as she twisted them in her lap. They weren't going to find Bill, she was sure of it. What ever made her think she could just go out and bring him home? He wasn't a dog that had wandered from home and got lost.
Calvin drove back down the same dimly lit streets, past the same flashing hotel signs, but this time there were no pedestrians. It was three o'clock in the morning.
She must have fallen asleep sometime before they got home, because she awoke at Calvin's gentle shake.
"Did you find him?" she mumbled, still groggy from sleep.
"I looked on every street and even drove out on the four-lane. I peeked into the hotel parking lots too," he said.
"And ... ?"
He shook his head.
She hit the door with her fist. "I can't do this anymore, and I won't do this to the baby." She stared at a moth that kept getting burned by the light on Calvin's back porch. Is that what she'd become? A moth to a flame? How many times would Bill have to do this to her before she came to her senses?
"Calvin, can I stay with you for a while?" she asked. "Just until I can find another place to live. I can sleep on the couch."
"I would insist that you stay in the spare bedroom," he answered and smoothed her hair out of her face. A tender gesture that brought tears to her eyes.
She looked back at the moth, but it was gone. Perhaps, it had gotten burned more times than it wanted and came to its senses.

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